The Return of the Liberal Media Anonymous Therapy Group*
Me: Hi, my name is Todd and I have a Sarah Palin problem!
Counselor, Liberal Column Writers, Producers, and Bloggers: Hi, Todd!
Me: I didn’t realize I had a problem until recently. My blog is usually a satirical commentary about the world at large, and, well, Sarah has been such an easy target! I don’t know what it is about her that makes her ripe for abuse in my writings. Is it the silly things she says? Or is it the stupid political moves, like resigning from her governorship halfway through her term? Or is it her naïve, golly-gee-whiz personality? Or her whacko, conservative views...
Counselor: Mr. Gunther, let me remind you that conservative views are not whacko here! Please continue.
Me: I can’t even remember how I started writing about her and her antics...
Counselor: Antics? Are you sure that’s the word you want to use? Remember, there is a movement afoot in this country to tone down the rhetoric in our commentaries.
Me: Does that include liberals? I don’t know about that. All I know is whenever I wrote about her I felt great! I was on top of the world! Writing about her was fun! There, I admit it! I abused her in print and I enjoyed it! But...but...
Counselor: But now...?
Me: Well, now, I’ve written so much about her recently that it’s gotten dull. Boring, even! It got to the point that I thought about changing the name of my blog to Stupid Sarah Palin Tricks! That’s when I knew I was in a rut!
Counselor: Would you consider participating in the moratorium?
Me: What? Me not writing about her...for a full month? Eight blog entries? Seriously? I don’t know if I could do that! Maybe I could ease myself into it like say something nice about her...
Counselor: You? A liberal saying something nice about Sarah Palin?
Me: You’re right! That’s absurd! I couldn’t do it. Although…I could talk about her legs.
Me: Yes, I could talk about her legs! She’s got a nice set of legs! I can’t deny it. She is a beautiful woman! Even Barbara Bush said so!
Counselor: Yes, but we don’t want to degrade ourselves by thinking of our influential political leaders in such base terms.
Me: Oh, yeah! I could just see her now! Stretched out on her back in a tight dress suit and skirt, one leg dangling over the knee, with one of her black spiked heel shoes balanced on her toes...and she’s reading the Constitution! That would make a great centerfold spread in the Weekly Standard!
Counselor: The Weekly Standard doesn’t have centerfolds!
Me: Well, maybe it should! Just a stuffy old conservative rag anyway!
Counselor: Surely, Mr. Gunther, you can find other subjects about which to write. You know like how small government can solve all of our problems?
Me: Small government solve all of our problems? Are you kidding?
Counselor: No! You could write about this idea that Palin talks about constantly without mentioning her. You could write about, as an example, how the very rich in this country should not be penalized for their success and act out their roles as, oh, how does Sarah put it...job creators!
Group Members: (snorts, sniggers, and titters).
Me: Job creators? Oh God! I haven’t heard anything so ridiculous since Bush Junior talked about evil-doers!
Group: (loud, lusty, liberal laughter).
Me: Look, the super rich have had lower tax rates for eight years!
Me: So when the hell are they gonna create jobs?
Counselor: Um, well...um, that’s not what we’re talking about today! We’re discussing an idea to not write, talk, comment or mention Sarah Palin in any column, blog, on-air discussion on talk radio or television. Why don’t you liberals talk about someone else. Someone like...oh, Michele Bachmann.
Me: Hmmm! Interesting idea!
Counselor: She’s a rising star in the Tea Party...
Me: Yes, and some of her ideas are just as loopy as Palin’s.
Counselor: Umm, that’s not the point I was making.
Me: And she’s also attractive. Yeah, I can see Michele Bachmann now...stretched out on a copy of the Constitution...
Counselor: Mr. Gunther, please! Remember, we’re not using our writings to satisfy our sexual fantasies...
Me: Says you! Hey, I could write about a three-way with Michelle, Sarah and Ann Coulter...
Counselor: Okay, Mr. Gunther, I warned you! Orderlies, take Mr. Gunther to the Karl Rove clinic in the Cal Thomas Wing immediately!
Me: No, no, not the Cal Thomas Wing! Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!
*The first session was recounted in a blog entry dated 2/21/2006.
(Thank you for reading! Enjoy your break from liberal abuse, Ms. Palin! We’ll miss you! Hahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha...!)