arteejee

The Artist

2012-02-15T06:43:00.003-05:00

The art of motion pictures seems to undergo a revolution every 30 years or so. In the 1920s, movies learned to talk; the 1950s saw a brief fling with projection effects (Vistavision and 3-D) before conceding some of its influence to its upstart little brother, television. The success of one science fiction franchise enabled the entire industry to develop new cinematographic and sound effects in the 1980s with the parallel development of computers. Now another revolution is reviving 3-D for a more permanent place in the film industry.

Throughout all of these revolutions, the main component of filmmaking — the soul of the artist — endured. In 1927 Hollywood, the eve of the first revolution, George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) is a swashbuckling hero in the mold of Douglas Fairbanks. With his faithful Jack Russell terrier by his side, he is at the top of his game as he subdues villains, rescues damsels, and rides off into the sunset via sports car and biplane. He is adored by millions, and he becomes smitten when one of those millions, Peppy Miller (Berenice Bejo), accidently bumps into him just as the newspaper cameras record the premiere festivities of his latest cinematic triumph. The accident becomes a media sensation which aspiring Hollywood extra Peppy parlays into a film career. Unbeknownst to George, this triumph will be his last for a while.

It is a story as old as Hollywood itself. It is a story of the parallel lives of two human beings as they further their respective careers: one going down, the other going up during the traumatic time when the industry had to - like it or not - stand up on its primitive legs and begin to talk. Valentin does not like it. In fact, he sneers at the coming technology. Unfortunately for him, the march of progress will not be denied, and he gets left behind in his silent world. In the process, he alienates his fans and everyone around him; in a clever sight gag, even his shadow walks out on him!

The Artist can be cliché ridden, but fortunately it is about a time period in Hollywood history that has attained a romanticism of mythic proportions. At the time, cliché’s were still conventions and not perceived as moldy. For instance, there is a scene depicting the two leads meeting on the stairs inside the movie studio. Valentin has just walked out of the studio boss’s office and his prediction that sound films are here to stay. Valentin (and his career) descends the staircase, while the studio’s newly signed starlet, Peppy (and her career), ascends the stairs. His gait is pathos ridden, while she strides with the youthful exuberance of a promising future. Indeed, she takes the time to blow a farewell kiss his way.

Valentin’s personal life suffers as well. His spouse (Penelope Ann Miller), contemptuous of him from the get-go, gradually loses all respect and affection for him as his career declines into ruin. The deterioration of their marriage is denoted in a montage of breakfast scenes, giving a nod to a similar scene in Citizen Kane. (Another apparent in-joke is John Goodman’s portrayal of the studio boss, recalling the haughty demeanor of 1930s character actor Eugene Pallette, with mannerisms resembling Chaplin’s early on-screen nemesis Eric Campbell.)

As the story unspools Valentin’s fall, the cinematic conventions abound. His marriage and career gone, he walks the harsh streets of Hollywood (real Hollywood), while a theater marquee nearby telegraphs his dilemma as it advertises a film called “Lonely Star”. Meanwhile, Peppy watches him from her car, just after she has (unknowingly to him) bought (by proxy) all of his possessions. Her current screen triumph at this point of the story is splashed on another marquee: “Guardian Angel”.

Conventions, clichés, whatever! The Artist succeeds because it has chosen to tell the industry's trauma of technological change by actually taking the audience through the change. It is not a totally silent film; more accurately, it is 95% talky free. It celebrates the wonderfulness of silent films in our very noisy 21st century.

It is a valentine from those who love movies to those of us who have loved movies since, well, since before many of us learned how to talk ourselves. And, of course, it has the tried and true sentimental Hollywood ending. Rest assured, Valentin is rescued from his self loathing and descent into destruction by fire — never underestimate the resourcefulness of a Jack Russell terrier — only to be redeemed as a song and dance man in the newly tweaked film industry.

The Artist has garnered world-wide accolades from critics and is poised to do well in the current awards season. Over the weekend, the British equivalent of the Oscars gave The Artist its highest honors, even as America mourned the untimely loss of pop diva Whitney Houston. This is not to say that the British are insensitive to rapidly changing events. My comparison may seem off-base, but hear me out (no pun intended). Both the fictional Valentin and the very real Houston both understood the age old show business maxim. No matter what their personal trials and tragedies may be, they realized that the show always must go on.

And their souls — silent or otherwise — endure...

(Thank you for reading! And no, children, you cannot have a Jack Russell terrier for Easter!)

In Memory of Aunt Mary

2012-02-11T09:52:00.003-05:00

It’s only seven weeks or so into the new year and already I want out! I am so tired of 2012; I wish we could fast forward to 2013 now. My reasons are varied.

First, there is the ongoing Romney Gingrich Barnum and Bailey Flying Circus, which only has six months or so to go. Six months! That’s an eternity in political pundit years! Sad, but true, GOP, you will have to make up your mind who you want to run against Obama by the time you hold your convention in late August. Are you feeling the pressure yet?

I am also emotionally worn down by the number of people I have known who have passed away so far this year. It started with a member of Anne Marie’s knitting group in late December. The following week my cousin lost his wife suddenly. The next weekend our neighbor, Earl Wagner, died in a hospice. Anne Marie and I were on our way to his viewing when we got word that my Aunt Mary had passed on. Since then, there has been a fellow cardiac patient in my cardio rehab session die, and last week, my Uncle Hugh’s roommate at the Towne Manor rehab facility passed away.

For those of you keeping score at home, and I don’t know why you would, that makes six people that I have known die in the space of six weeks. I’ve never had these naturally occurring events happen so quickly so close together before in my life. Unfortunately, I guess it is inevitable as I and all of those around me grow older.

Now this rumination on exhaustion with the year and life in general will make a sharp Coen Brothers-style left turn and become a memorial for my aunt, Marybelle Welsh. The weather is keeping us from attending her memorial service today. So, while my cousins celebrate her life and catch up with their own (one of them is traveling in from Indiana), I can at least write a few of my many memories of Aunt Mary.

My oldest recollection of Aunt Mary happened in 1965. Her children, Richie and Paula, had taken me to a matinee at the Ellis Theater on Frankford Avenue in Northeast Philadelphia. Feature film lengths were shorter back then, which enabled them to show two films for the price of one admission. For those of you who were born after 1970, such a program was called a “double feature”. Of course this is different now with multiplexes, where you can pay for one film and sneak in and out of the other theaters at will, or until you get caught. Of course, you didn’t get that idea from me...but I digress.

The first film of the double feature started and it was set in a circus, a nice happy setting which should satisfy the entertainment quota for any five year old. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much of a chance to appreciate the film's story. In one of the early scenes, a hideous-looking creature appeared on the screen shrieking at the audience. The sight scared the hell out of me, and I made sure that the theater full of children and their parents knew that I was frightened out of my wits. I screamed and started bawling. My cousins couldn’t quiet me down. I don’t know how long I sat there crying, because the next thing I knew I was standing in the lobby with the theater manager and Aunt Mary. (Side note to today’s parents: this is how they dealt with noisy children in public places in the past. The children were removed from the public place, until said child quieted down or cried itself to death, whichever came first.)

In my case, Aunt Mary - who I don’t know to this day if she had been in the theater the whole time, or was called from home to come get me — asked me if I was okay. Yes, I said, calm again and having shed every tear in my system. She then asked, “Do you want to stay to see the movie?” Yes, I said, now looking forward to the second film on the bill: The Outlaws Is Coming, starring my favorite actors at the time, The Three Stooges. This is how I can accurately place this incident as happening in 1965.

Anyway the story ends happily. I got to see The Three Stooges, the horrible creature I saw had left the screen (I later figured out the “creature” was actually a woman wearing a mud pack on her face. What the hell did I know? I was five years old at the time.), and I guess my cousins got to enjoy the rest of their day. As for the theater management, they went to great lengths to stop small children from ever again crying during their shows when, years later, they converted the theater to an adult only venue. Okay, I can’t really say for sure that they started showing x-rated films because of weak-hearted children like me, but some events are too much for the realm of coincidence.

As for Aunt Mary, she went home, where she raised three of the finest human beings I have ever known. I will always remember the hospitality she showed everyone who came to her home. We had many fun times together, including when I stayed with her for three weeks in the summer of 1975. Part of her hospitality was the great food she introduced to me and my brother. Because of her, we have to have her version of macaroni salad (with tuna) in the summer and New Years Eve is not complete without French onion soup chip dip on the table.

This is how I will remember Aunt Mary: always there when you needed her, and always ready to share the joys of life.

Rest in Peace, Aunt Mary.

(Thank you for reading. Only 17 days until payroll taxes go up...AND only 8 days until Phillies pitchers & catchers report for spring training!)

Is Fox News Brainwashing People to Be Stupid?

2012-02-06T07:27:00.002-05:00

I realize that the Republican primary season is going full steam ahead to its acrimonious conclusion, and another American football season has been put to bed, but today there is a more serious topic that deserves our attention. It has come to our attention that the cowardly, right-wing media has reared its very ugly head and spit its venom at America’s most beloved and consistently successful entertainers. The attack from Fox News was so shocking and profound, that the entertainers themselves called a news conference to refute the horrific allegations.

No, I am not speaking about Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum. Please note, I said “entertainers”. I’m speaking about America’s most lovable Muppets, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.

It was obviously a slow news week at Fox — unemployment rates were sliding downward, so how could they complain that Obama was mishandling the economy? One Fox commentator — his remarks were so foul, that I do not feel it is worth my time to research his name — questioned the fact that the villain in the latest Muppet movie was an oil tycoon. Surely, this alleged journalist reasoned, the portrayal of this energy company executive was a thinly veiled attack on our capitalist system. He also wondered if perhaps the Muppets were brainwashing America’s movie-going children that capitalism is bad.

Incensed and insulted, the frog and the pig pounced! In a taped news release which went viral on the Internet, our beloved Muppets rose to the challenge and deftly responded to their critic’s accusations. Their responses were fabulous, but really, do we expect anything less from them than fabulousness?

Although the Muppet stars may believe they have handled the controversy, the whole episode still begs the question about Fox News’ motives. Surely they could not truly believe that their angle on this story would warrant a Congressional investigation into what is in reality — and I should issue a spoiler alert here, but I won’t — a pair of creatures made out of terrycloth and button eyes which were perhaps made by the tiny hands of Chinese children exploited by their faux communist masters. Why then did they raise this silly issue at all? This begs the question I pose at the top. Does Fox think so little of its viewer’s intelligence that they would stoop to such depths of reportage when there are so many other issues which need to be raised?

Aside from the free publicity the initial report, the Muppet press conference, the outrage expressed in the media including blogs like this one might have generated, Fox could not have gained anything else from this episode. Were they seeking a rise in their status as a serious news gathering organization? Please don’t make me laugh!

Granted there may be some unexplained lapses of events in the Muppets collective past. Certainly we’ve all heard the rumors (which I just now made up) recounting how Kermit took a course in Russian history while a freshman at the University of Maryland, or how Miss Piggy once did a one-pig show about Emma Goldman called Red Emma Tonight! Still these rumors, true or not, do not necessarily make them communist sympathizers, “fellow travelers” in McCarthy Era parlance, or even anti-capitalists.

The fact is, dear Fox, is that the portrayal of a captain of industry as a bad guy who seems indifferent to the sufferings of the workers is a literary tradition that goes back centuries. Witness: the character of the banker Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Or what about the villain pursuing conquest of the heroine’s honor if she doesn’t pay the mortgage in any number of melodramas performed on this country’s stages during the 19th century? Could this usually caped antagonist with top hat and very long, twirlable, handle-bar mustache have been a shoe cobbler? No, I say no! He was a money changer; a commodities lender not necessarily corrupted by the economic system itself, but rather by an old-fashioned aspect of human nature called greed.

Then there is The Simpsons.

This series is perhaps the most successful show on the Fox News sister network. For the better part of 20 years, millions have laughed at the antics of its villain — the uber rich J. Montgomery Burns. His character’s ambivalent attitude towards his workers hopes and dreams is borne out by his clichéd stinginess that he believes will preserve his financial self worth and well being. This is an attitude that is worthy of belittling for satirical purposes. This is a character that has been portrayed many times in the Christian-Judeo tradition. Granted the basic motivation for such portrayals may be envy on the part of the have-nots, but this still shouldn’t dissuade us from ridiculing one of the most pathetic facets of human nature.

The oil executives, the bankers, or even the entertainment moguls who use sock puppets to express their point of view are not the enemies. Greed is the villain that can affect all these business types. It is the great spoiler of many economic theories created and experimented with throughout the world.

In this regard, the two largest competing economic theories — capitalism and communism — share one trait. Both are capable of bringing out the worst in human nature. Capitalists can pursue their wealth so passionately that they can be insensitive to the sufferings of those who are not as well off. Communist leaders, likewise, succumb to greed and its companion corruption, resulting in their ascension to becoming tyrants and dictators over the people they profess to be benevolent towards. In both economic theories, the possibility that a master/slave relationship can be created is very real.

And you thought this was going to be about sock puppets! Now don’t you feel silly?

(Thank you for reading. Please note: my use of the word “fabulousness” does not automatically make me gay. So piss off, Santorum!)

An Open Letter from Punxsutawney Phil

2012-02-02T06:41:00.002-05:00

EDITOR'S NOTE: Since this blog was inaugurated in 2006, we’ve featured the adventures of Punxsutawney Phil — of Groundhog Day fame — in several entries. Well, featured or abused his good name and reputation, whatever, it’s all the same to us. This year, the management of arteejee has graciously allowed Phil himself to write a rebuttal.

Good morning, exploiters and other humans!

By the time you read this, I will have already been summoned by powers beyond my comprehension to give my annual forecast about the end of winter. Will it be six more weeks of ice and cold, or an early thaw? Actually, that’s a trick question this year because it’s been a very mild winter in my part of the country. In fact, the temperatures have been more like late summer/early fall than the dead of winter. As I see it, winter hasn’t even begun! So we can probably rule out the idea that I will predict an early thaw.

Actually, I never know what I’m going to predict. They lay down two scrolls in front of me, and they pick up whichever one towards which my nose gravitates. I don’t get it, but it’s a system that works for them. Also, I never know what the scrolls say. Spoiler alert: I don’t get final script approval! Imagine that, and I’m supposed to be the prognosticator!

Of course I’m overwhelmed by the adoring fans that come out early on February 2 to see me. I love them all, really I do, but (as this blog noted earlier) I’m rudely awakened in the middle of my mid-winter nap. I’m groggy as hell, I’m not dressed, there’s dirt in my fur, my claws are long, and I’m badly in need of a pedicure! I’m just not at my best at 7:00a, on February 2! Yet my fans understand and love me just for being me. Thank you, fans!

As for the rest of you blog writers who take aim at my yearly ritual — either with words or bullets — I can only say that you have blown it all out of proportion. My life isn’t quite the cushy Life of Reilly that you make it out to be. Spoiler alert: my life is nothing like the Bill Murray comedy where he gets Andie McDowell in the end and I end up in the fiery wreckage of a pick-up truck at the bottom of a quarry. Thank Hog it’s nothing like that! Actually, my life isn’t even close to a Bill Murray comedy set in Pennsylvania that, incidentally, wasn’t even filmed in Pennsylvania! Let me tell you, the local Chamber of Commerce was sore about that for a long time.

Full disclosure: my life is comfortable. Fact is, I’m not yanked out of my burrow early in the morning. Rather, I am spirited away under heavy escort the night before from my South Beach condo. That’s where I live the rest of the year, fans! Now you know!

My life is okay. I lead an active hedonistic lifestyle in Florida. For instance, last winter John Bolaris and I went cruising the Miami strip for a couple of Russian chicks...

CEASE AND DESIST ORDER

As the attorney representing Mr. Phil, I must advise this blog to cease and desist publication of this faux letter immediately. My client has assured me that he has not agreed to write or otherwise disseminate any information about his work, his career, or his personal life. I maintain that my client may suffer irreparable harm to his reputation if this blog continues to publish its scurrilous and cowardly lies about Mr. Phil.

Respectfully,

Wilkes-Barre Willie the Weasel
Woodchuck, Weasel, Ferret, Whistlepig and Santorum
Attorneys-at-law

EDITOR’S NOTE – So much for graciousness!

(Thank you for reading! On an unrelated note, only 26 days until everyone’s payroll taxes go up! Party now while the partying is good!)

The Duelists

2012-01-29T16:12:00.002-05:00

I know there’s a variety of other issues to talk about, but the most interesting drawing my attention is the “he said this/he said that” conflict among the Republicans presidential wannabees. In the last few weeks, the combatants’ tones make the debates look like re-enactments of the Alexander Hamilton – Aaron Burr duel of 1804. (For those of you unfamiliar with American history, I will issue this spoiler: Hamilton came in second that day.) In these recent re-enactments, the main duelists would appear to be Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, with Rick Santorum calling “Ready, aim, fire” and Ron Paul standing off to the side just watching. To this end, we continue what is becoming a weekly running commentary on the shape of Republican hopefuls to come.

All of the ongoing verbal fireworks have been emanating from an unmerciful number of political debates in this latest nominating season. I highlighted the word political because I believe the original intention of these events was to highlight the candidate’s positions on political issues. Unfortunately, Romney and Gingrich have seen fit to make the last few debates sound like the old radio show “The Bickersons”. For those of you unfamiliar with American pop culture, "The Bickersons" was a radio situation comedy from the 1940’s depicting a married couple constantly fighting. Spoiler alert: Alexander Hamilton never appeared on "The Bickersons".

In any case, the Republican front runners have been sniping at each other about how much money they made while other people suffered, or how much jewelry they bought to placate the spouses who don’t want them running for office in the first place, or their dubious ethics records. Even fellow candidate Rick Santorum has complained that Romney and Gingrich have made their comments too personal, and not addressed the actual issues. In this regard, I have to agree with Santorum.

I repeat this shocking revelation: in this regard I have to agree with Santorum. Please forgive me, readers.

This week’s debate was the 18th in a series that threatens to last as long as the television coverage of the O.J Simpson trial. Eighteenth? Do we really need this many events? Hell, Kennedy and Nixon were satisfied with just four. That’s four, as in all the fingers on one hand! Pundits, please have mercy on the American voter!

I’ll go lightly on Rick Santorum this week, since he is currently in Philadelphia while his youngest child is hospitalized at CHOP. However, I will note how his comment that equality is uniquely a “Christian-Judeo concept” has managed to outrage the other religions that haven’t been outraged lately. Way to go, Rick! Now everyone can be pissed off at the Christians!

Leading representatives from the Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist faiths have registered their complaints at Santorum’s pronouncement. One Muslim leader has offered to send Santorum a copy of the Quran so he can read for himself Islam’s position on equality. Good luck with that! Santorum may not block out time to read the Quran, if he has to keep up to date on his schedule of debates. Also, there’s no guarantee that he’ll read it at all. After all, as the old adage goes (which I just made up), you can lead the ignorant to a book, but you can’t make them read.

I predict that this week Mitt Romney will have this to say about Newt: “He had to pay a fine for ethics violations. He resigned from the only leadership position he ever held.” I can predict this with full confidence because these are the same things he has said about Gingrich for the last three weeks! He hasn’t even changed the sentence order around for variety! Please, Romney, have mercy on us!

Romney has yet to address questions about his earnings. Has he paid the legal tax rate on all his earnings? Is he really worth more than the last eight presidents combined? Are some of his investments hidden offshore, or are they all grouped together in a blind trust? He certainly can’t deny his wealth. Indeed, he should probably just cement his one-percenter creds once for all by shouting from the debate podium, “I’ve got more money than God!” Admittedly, this might go against the humble teachings of his Mormon beliefs, but it’ll give Gingrich that much less to talk about.

Which brings us to the winner of the South Caroline primary, Newt Gingrich. To this development, I must say: “Dear South Carolina, Newt Gingrich? Really? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

Newt was just endorsed by former nominee runner Herman Cain yesterday. Last week, if you recall, Comedy Central show host Steven Colbert proclaimed that a vote for Cain would actually be a vote for Colbert. Does this mean — horrors — that Colbert is now also endorsing Gingrich? This week’s episodes of The Colbert Report should be verrrrrrrry interesting, to paraphrase Arte Johnson. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Arte Johnson...oh, never mind.

Last and least is the fourth player in the debate cycle: Ron Paul. He has not made any comments so outrageous that they are newsworthy enough to outdo Romney or Gingrich. At this point, Paul appears to be just watching. Either that, or he has fallen asleep...

The only other person doing less than Paul is our special guest star today, Alexander Hamilton! He is not running for nomination, and not participating in any of the debates. This is due to the fact that he did poorly in a debate with Aaron Burr in 1804. (See results above.) Perhaps my repeated references to Hamilton today may be puzzling, but I will insist that, all things considered with this current crop of candidates, America could really use a man like Hamilton now.

This week, the primary race moves to Florida, and with it the circus that has the duelists in the center ring. It does not appear that we will be spared any vitriol – personal or political — for some time to come. I dare say that we, the American voters, will embrace the coming of November 6, with utter gratitude that the races will finally be over.

(Thank you for reading.)

JoePa

2012-01-24T20:12:00.002-05:00

I don’t follow football with any regularity, professional or otherwise, but any resident of Pennsylvania this week can’t escape the outpouring of emotions at the passing of legendary Penn State football coach Joe Paterno. The coach died with his family at his side and vast throngs of well-wishers from the college community gathered on the campus. It seemed to be a complete nearly happily-ever-after conclusion to a long, productive life, but everything isn’t always what it seems to be.

Paterno was the winningest college football coach in history with over 400 victories. He accomplished this in a career that lasted over 62 years! Many professional careers peak at 35 years max! Many people don’t live that long, yet he held onto to one job for over half a century! That is an accomplishment itself, when one considers the regularity with which companies toss workers aside in these economic times.

Had the last few months been different, the reverence for JoePa would be universal. Unfortunately, this was not to be. The sex scandal involving his long time defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky broke in mid-season, and Paterno’s role was scrutinized and criticized. In the end, many people determined – without the convenience of a trial by jury — that he did not do enough to report the incidents to his superiors. The university found their scapegoat and fired Paterno, effectively ending the only life he ever knew.

In the days since his dismissal, Paterno suffered the accumulating affects of old age. At one point, he fell and injured his hip. A bronchial infection was found to be lung cancer. It was treatable, we were told at the time, which was fine with everyone. His fans could look forward to the day when he could recover from his illness and face down his accusers much like his players faced down their opponents on the gridiron for over sixty years.

Again, this was not to be.

Paterno did speak once about the scandal that abruptly ended his career. In a Washington Post article published last month, Paterno admitted that he could have done more, but overall the concept of a man sexually assaulting a boy was beyond his understanding. Actually, I believe this is a very plausible explanation coming from JoePa.

How could Paterno not know about such things as pedophilia? Simple; in his day, it was not discussed in public. You might overhear about such things as a whisper, but seldom was it heard out loud as a matter of discourse.

People from Paterno’s generation didn’t talk about such things as Uncle Jim’s alcoholism, Cousin Suzie’s heroin addiction, or brother Michael preferring to spend more time with other men than women. Venereal disease wasn’t considered worthy of discussion until the public schools launched a major education effort in the 1970s. Similarly, grandma didn’t die from cancer; she had a “problem”. I have problems to deal with every day of my life, yet my heart is still ticking!

So how did people deal with real big problems like, say World War II? My answer: hell if I know! The war was certainly unpleasant and therefore not worthy of discussion at the dinner table. It was in all of the newspapers; surprise, it made the history books! It affected millions of lives from the common folk who had to do without eating meat certain days of the week and were only able to purchase gasoline for their cars with the aid of stamps; many others went off to fight the war and never returned. Certainly it was a major disruption for many lives, yet somebody must have talked about it!

That was the world in which Joe Paterno grew up. So, in the end, he could be accused of being naïve and blinded to many of the “problems” mankind deals with in the modern world. In this respect, he was no better or worse than the other survivors of his generation.

Will his legacy suffer? Certainly there will be a little tarnish on it, but ultimately he will be remembered for his victories on and off the field. Legacies can be fluid; they reach new heights or lows like the tides on a beach as additional information about the person is found year after year.

Consider Ben Franklin for a moment. In his lifetime, he was widely recognized for his scientific and diplomatic achievements. Since his death, historians have pondered — or salivated — over the many stories of Franklin’s romantic liaisons. Okay, so he took the role of Founding Father a little too seriously, yet his legacy endures. The same will undoubtedly be true for Joe Paterno.

This week, many will mourn his passing, while many others will mourn the fact that he escaped justice. We’ll forever be left to speculate what would have happened if he had lived, or if indeed his life was shortened when society took the ball out of his hands and told him, “Go home! You can’t play here anymore.” So much for outliving the naïve world he grew up in and cherished. Actually, the whole episode has been a rude awakening for everyone concerned.

Rest in Peace, JoePa.

(Thank you for reading.)

Snort Notes: January 2012

2012-01-21T16:13:00.003-05:00

Various events on the campaign trail compel me to devote this edition of snort notes to the ongoing circus, aka the Republican Presidential Nomination. This past week...

RICK PERRY DROPS OUT OF THE RACE

Sensing that he didn’t have tumbleweed’s chance in hell of winning the South Carolina primary, the former governor of Texas ended his quest for his party’s nomination. Perry — who was only slightly ahead of Costa Concordia cruise ship Captain Francesco Schettino in the polls — threw his support to Newt Gingrich.

Meanwhile...

NEWT GINGRICH LASHES OUT AT THE MEDIA FOR FOCUSING ON HIS SECOND WIFE’S REVELATION THAT HE ASKED HER FOR AN OPEN MARRIAGE

Ah, Gingrich throws another cranky tantrum in public. Now my week is complete.

How dare the media focus on his past and not on his loopy views of taking America forward? What could they possibly be thinking? Perhaps that the tawdry details of this sensational story is too much to resist, not to mention the ad revenue generated by your second wife’s nationally televised interview.

Ah-ha! Sensational story equals bigger profits! It’s those damn capitalists again, Newt! The same ones you were railing against two weeks ago! They’re out to get you!

Ah, I have fueled Gingrich’s paranoia! Now my week is really complete!

On a related note...

SOUTH CAROLINA FEMALE VOTER MAINTAINS THAT REPORTS OF GINGRICH’S INFIDELITIES WILL NOT AFFECT HIS SUPPORT FROM CONSERVATIVE FEMALE VOTERS

Really? While I believe in the concept of redemption and forgiveness, I can’t help noting the possibility that her analysis is not shared by other female voters. Hey, lady, listen! Can you hear that? That sound is the sound of millions of your sisters in the other 49 states smirking!

Meanwhile...

RECOUNT OF IOWA CAUCUS VOTES SHOW THAT RICK SANTORUM GARNERED MORE VOTES THAN DECLARED WINNER MITT ROMNEY

Okay, so Santorum still has a viable campaign — at least for another 24 hours.

Speaking of Mr. Frothy Mix, I find it curious that his comments about Gingrich’s open marriage request (it’s all about Newt today) focused more on his character, and not how the concept of open marriage was a threat to his marriage. I would have thought that Ricky would have been all over this accusation. Frankly, his reaction is underwhelming. Of course, he might just be overlooking the larger implications of open marriage as much as he’s overlooked renewing his membership in the Pennsylvania bar since...1994!

RON PAUL PARTICIPATES IN FINAL DEBATE BEFORE SOUTH CAROLINA PRIMARY

Let me be the first to thank Ron Paul for showing up. Now move along! If you hurry, you might be able to catch up to Rick Perry. (I'm a poet and I don't know it!)

HERMAN CAIN RALLIES WITH SOUTH CAROLINA NATIVE HUMORIST STEPHEN COLBERT BEFORE THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY

In an odd demonstration of sensational satire, Cain (remember him?) has teamed up with the Comedy Central show host to expose the shortcomings of the influential superpacs. In a strange twist of timing and ballot printing deadlines, Cain is still on the ballot — and could conceivably make a respectable showing in the primary — even though he dropped out the race weeks ago. Enter Colbert, who isn’t on the ballot, but who has gathered monetary donations for his superpac, which (he hastens to point out) is entirely legal!

There’s no punch line here, not because the issue of campaign financing isn’t a serious one, but because Colbert has already used all of the good ones! All I can add is God bless you Stephen Colbert! Good luck to you and your running mate!

MITT ROMNEY POISED TO TAKE SOUTH CAROLINA PRIMARY

Nice, but he didn’t do anything noteworthy this week except fend off attacks from Gingrich (there he is again) during their debate. Ho-hum! Suddenly this nominating race is boring me to death!

ERRATA: RICK PERRY IS STILL GOVERNOR OF TEXAS

I realized I made an error in my first note when I wrote that Rick Perry was the former governor of Texas. I apologize for my inaccurate reporting. This news may also come as a shock to the people of Texas, who may or may not have noticed Perry’s absence during the last six months or so.

Texas, you have your governor back. With that I want to express my deepest sympathies.

(Thank you for reading.)

The Shrinking Party

2012-01-18T18:33:00.003-05:00

Has anyone noticed how the ongoing campaigns for the Republican nomination to make Obama a one-term president has deteriorated into a dogfight? At one point, it was a series of civilized debates among candidates who held opposing points of view of how to get America moving again. They expressed their ideas, thrusted and parried the gentle admonishments from their opponents, smiled and waved, and treated each other with a thin veil of respect. Oh, and by dogfights I’m not talking about the seemingly graceful choreographed biplane duels to the death from World War I. By dogfights, I mean a mean, vicious, snarling, teeth-baring, bone-crunching, bloodied fur and limbs competition among a pack of mongrels.

But more about Newt Gingrich later. Perhaps we should note the latest triumphs and faux pas of each candidate on their respective trails. Okay, since this IS a liberal leaning blog, we will focus on their faux pas, and boy are they faux!

JON HUNTSMAN

Remember him? This week the former governor of Utah, and Obama’s lead man in China, saw his dream of a campaign conducted with civility vanish in a Newt Gingrich minute. A no show in Iowa, and a less than commanding show in New Hampshire has forced him to drop his bid and throw his support behind Mitt Romney before the South Carolina primary.

MICHELE BACHMANN

Who? I know she dropped out weeks ago, but I miss seeing her on the trail and making those wonderful, wild and wacky statements about American history with her patented deer-in-the-headlights look on her face. Do not fret, fellow Americans! Michele still has her day job in Congress, although I wouldn’t be surprised if she accepts a position as curator of American History at the Smithsonian. (Personal note to the regents of the Smithsonian Institution: don’t get excited! I’m just kidding.)

HERMAN CAIN

Seriously, who?

RON PAUL

The libertarian choice in the Republican Party. Okay, has anyone questioned why this guy is even in the Republican Party? Some of his ideas are not compatible with the legacy of the original Republican, Abraham Lincoln. In fact, I dare say that if Lincoln were alive today, he might be so terrified by Paul’s ideas that he might register as a Democrat! Paul may or may not have approved of the racist statements made on a newsletter named after him years ago, but the writer’s association with a few groups that catch the attention of the Southern Poverty Law Center is good enough for me. Good enough for me, that is, to discount Paul as a viable candidate for president.

RICK PERRY

His poll numbers are in the single digits since Iowa, but he can’t take a hint! Even Huntsman wasn’t this thick-headed.

Perry continues to demonstrate that he is not electable. This week’s Perry faux pas? Defending US Marines who were videotaped urinating on the bodies of Taliban rebels. Their actions, while worthy of punishment, do not rise to the level of war crimes, or so he says. Of course, it’s just a case of good ole boys being good ole boys! Unfortunately, many people in the Muslim world — even the ones we’re not fighting - might not see it your way, Rick.

Anyway, thanks for playing. Now if you don’t mind, please leave. If you hurry, you might catch up to Huntsman.

RICK SANTORUM

As I predicted, Santorum ruled at the top for a month just before the holidays. His surge ended when people beyond Iowa tired of Santorum being the flavor of the month. (That’s right! I put the words Santorum and flavor in the same sentence! Enjoy!)

He has been touting himself as the true conservative defender of American ideals, even though one Huffington blog poster outed his Italian ancestors as diehard Communists. Oh well, that was then, when women were expected to stay at home, do all the household chores, and bear endless children for the one man they married; and this is now when Rick wants women to stay at home, do all the household chores, and bear endless children for the one man they married. Santorum himself has been married to only one woman, and has a large family. Yet he firmly believes that same-sex marriage threatens his heterosexual union.

What a wuss!

NEWT GINGRICH

Like Santorum, Gingrich is also trying to pass himself off as the defender of conservative values. Yet I dare say that Gingrich’s marital adventures (note that the word “adventure” is plural) are more of a threat to Santorum’s connubial bliss than a couple of guys having lived together in a loving relationship for decades! Go figure!

On the economic side, Gingrich has been riding hard on Romney’s past life as a — I hope you’re sitting down, dear readers — capitalist! Newt hopes that the Republican leading Romney won’t be able to duck stories of his old job as a businessman who bought old companies, downsized the work force, and turned the company’s fortunes around. Yes, the downsizing part won’t play well with unemployment still hovering above 8 percent. Granted, Romney shouldn’t expect Newt to hoist him on his shoulders and cheer, “Yay! He killed jobs and fattened investors’ portfolios!” If Newt is so upset about Romney’s past predatory successes, then maybe he should just whip out a copy of “Das Kapital” and start proselytizing about the wonderful world of Communism. That would make Santorum’s ancestors applaud!

Oh wait, I forgot! Obama is the big bad socialist! Silly me! How could I have forgotten this tidbit of Republican sound bite dogma!

MITT ROMNEY

Currently the man on top; it certainly appears that the former governor of Massachusetts has the nomination in the bag. He has been quoted as saying Obama doesn’t know how to run the economy, but Romney is boasting that he has the skills that Obama lacks. Okay, let’s humor him for a moment and see how he would preside over the American brand of democracy. How would he run the country as a businessman with experience in turning corporate entities around?

Well, I’m guessing that he would first drastically downsize the federal workforce, streamline operations and make America as a whole look attractive to outside investors. Or he might sell the whole country lock stock and barrel to...China? I hope to God there is something in the Constitution that would prevent him from doing that!

(Thank you for reading.)

...Or So My Friends Tell Me

2012-01-14T17:35:00.002-05:00

One of arteejee’s most loyal readers has issued a challenge. A few months ago, I was still in medical coding mode, which led me to describe the most mundane aspects of everyday life — as in waking up, brewing coffee, and getting the morning paper – into medical terms. My challenge now is to describe a college party, which the reader swears he and I attended in the late 70s-early 80s. Naturally, I have no memory of ever attending such a party, and as such I had to do extensive research in order to recreate the scene that my reader swears I should remember.

The description of the events of a party from my college years will be written in medical terms first, followed by a translation in everyday English.

The guests were ushered into the apartment and prepped for a procedure of hedonistic abandon. A large metal bladder was produced and found to be swollen, necessitating a tap and catherization procedure for its contents. Legal and controlled substances were administered orally and via inhalation therapy. Clothes were removed and exchanged for other garments that were normally alien to one’s everyday orientation. Aural stimulation was produced and amplified utilizing fine needles running through grooves on a vinyl platter. Several participants removed other participants off the ground for the purpose of performing rapid physical therapy in rhythm with the amplified sounds emanating from the platters.

Two participants engaged in intensive cardio workout therapy in the middle of the room. One dressed in pink chiffon was spun around by his knees by another participant disguised as an altar boy. The procedure was completed, and the participants adjusted their heart rate with rest and replenished their fluids through oral consumption of legal substances.

A small stuffed animal was found to be anatomically incorrect; an exploratory procedure was immediately performed. The tail of the animal was reshaped and inserted through the animal’s legs. The surgeons, satisfied with their work, delivered the patient from the operating theater through a passage above the doorway into the recovery room. The stuffed animal tolerated the procedure well.

Now in English:

Guests entered the apartment where their coats were collected and piled onto the nearest bed. The keg was opened and pumped. Beer was drunk and doobies were smoked. (Confidential to Mom: if you don’t know what a doobie is, then please ask your grandchildren.) Clothes were removed and exchanged (remainder of this description redacted under legal advice). The stereo was turned on and turned up loud. A dance broke out.

Two participants danced suggestively (remainder of this description redacted in the name of everything that is holy and pure). The dancers left the floor at the end of the song and drank more beer.

A Pink Panther doll was found to be lacking a penis and was taken into the bathroom (remainder of this description redacted for...trust us, you really don’t want to know!) The now very well endowed Pink Panther doll was pushed through the transom to the hoots, taunts, and lewd suggestions of the partiers still in the bathroom. Otherwise, the Pink Panther tolerated the procedure well.

This description has been verified as actually happening at one point or another in my collegiate career...or so my friends tell me!

(Thank you for reading. Confidential to Janey: be careful what you wish for!)

Endangered Anthem

2012-01-10T18:27:00.003-05:00

Apparently, the country is 100% all right again. There must be full employment, everyone has health security, and no one is in fear from where their next meal is coming. This is fantastic news and even more fantastic knowing that it happened on Obama’s watch. Unemployment has dipped below 9%! It took awhile, but the FDR Commemorative New Deal Wand finally worked its magic on our stumbling economy.

Naturally, this is a massive assumption on my part, because how else can one explain why one Indiana legislator believes that the gravest crisis facing our nation today is how the National Anthem is performed in public. Acting on one constituent (one as in uno, single, solitary, less than two, or even less than everyone else) complaint that he was disgusted at how the Star Spangled Banner has been performed by some celebrities, Indiana State Senator Vaneta Baker has introduced legislation that would impose a $25 fine if performers intentionally alter the National Anthem. Of course, this legislator is a member of that party (Republican) who abhors excessive government control in our lives, yet can’t resist proposing more government control in our lives. Go figure!

So would this law really rein in the free-spirited, hedonistic temptation to ad-lib a performance of one of our national treasures, or would this be the beginning of a long slide down the slippery slope to censorship? Would we really stop enforcement at the performers onstage or on a sporting field? Or would we have deputized musicologists strategically situated in the stands, listening for errant singing and taking names down on a clipboard?

I can’t get behind this proposal at all, but it does give me the opportunity to point something out to my fellow citizens about their mangling of the National Anthem. I can’t ever recall hearing a performance of the anthem in my lifetime that didn’t end with the final words heard loudly and clearly. It always dissolves into a cacophony of raucous primal screaming which, no doubt, the likes of Joseph McCarthy would have labeled as (shudder) un-American.

My fellow Americans, it pains me to point out to you that the end of our national anthem ends with the words, “…home of the brave!” and not, “…home of the
YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Otherwise I respectfully request that the good lady from Indiana, oh, how would the French put it, get a life!

I wonder if this legislator realizes the origins of the anthem’s melody is a British drinking song! Perhaps it’s time that we consider other ways to express our patriotic fervor at the beginning of public events. Maybe we should think about adopting other drinking songs to fit our puerile patriotic pleasures. Let’s take, for example, the jingle for Schaefer beer. Look it up on YouTube to get an idea of the melody, for those of you under 40. For those over 40, you’ll remember the original lyrics go something like this: Schaefer is the one beer to have when you’re having more than one...

We could tweak the concept just slightly — to satisfy the swearing of allegiance to just one country - so the new words could go something like this:

America
Is the
One country to have
When you can’t have more than one!
The most rewarding life
In this frightening world
Is American life for people yearning to be free!
America
Is the
Greatest place to live
When you’re having so much...
YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Okay, obviously I am not Francis Scott Key; clearly this is a work in progress. So far this would appeal to the most xenophobic tea party Republicans, but not to anyone else. Once again, I caution the good lady from Indiana: be careful what you wish for!

By the way, in the first paragraph, I alluded to how great the economy is. Actually I was, oh, what do the French call it, kidding. The economy is slowing recovering, but we’re not out of the toilet yet!

(Thank you for reading. FDR New Deal Commemorative Magic Wand requires two AAA batteries – sold separately.)

Cinematic Titanic at the Keswick – 12/30/2011

2012-01-07T09:32:00.002-05:00

Like the faithful going to places of worship on Sundays, we fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 flocked to a performance of its latest incarnation in Glenside, Pennsylvania just as 2011 came to a close. The live riffing shows are a nostalgic tonic for many of us who are still mourning the passing of MST3K over a decade ago. Some may cry out, “Get over it,” but I remind those that many people are still bemoaning the break-up of the Beatles, and that happened over 40 years ago!

Cinematic Titanic continues the MST tradition of having the cojones of showing really, really bad movies in public, then sitting in front of the audience — who pay for the privilege of seeing really, really bad movies in public — and riffing the hell out of it. For those not familiar with the idea, think of it as you watching a bad film with — as one critic once put it — a roomful of drunken frat boys. In this case, you are in a room with one thousand or so other people (not all of them sober) and a select few (five, actually) designated to shout out outrageous, side-splitting comments at the screen. Those five — Joel Hodgson, J. Elvis Weinstein, Trace Beaulieu, Mary Jo Pehl, and Frank Conniff — are recognized as either founding members or original cast members of MST.

This show at the Keswick was a double feature: the Titanic premiere of The Astral Factor and Titanic oldie Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks. Both deserve their place in bad cheesy moviedom. Factor may or may not have been a made-for-tv-movie which may or may not have been made in 1976 and shelved (if IMDB is correct) until 1985. Frankenstein is just another foreign, mediocre dubbed 1973 entry of the Frankenstein cinema legend.

Ah, but the evening is not all about movies. Each cast member gets a chance to show off their particular talents. Titanic MC, Dave (Gruber) Allen, started the evening with his interpretation of Dan Fogelberg’s Another Auld Lang Syne, with an assist from J. Elvis Weinstein. Native New Yorker Frank Conniff had a variety of comments on the roundness of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, which begs the question: if Christie’s profile is high enough to get the attention of an LA based stand-up comedian, then my God how calculated are his actions beyond the state of New Jersey? Conniff also did an imaginative comic exercise in writing letters to his younger self (the alcoholic Frank) and response back from that younger self to today’s Frank.

Trace Beaulieu — Crow T. Robot and Dr. Clayton Forrester on MST — graciously gave us in the audience a moment to shout out our favorite MST lines just to get it out of our system. A short warning to us that riffing should be left to the (paid) professionals led to his reading of a selection from his book Silly Rhymes for Belligerent Children. Mary Jo Pehl continued the book tour portion of the show with reading chapter titles — not selections, not essays, just chapter headings — from her book Employee of the Month.

Joel Hodgson and J. Elvis Weinstein didn’t have books to sell or readings. Weinstein — resembling a rumpled version of another Elvis (Costello) — ably accompanied several of his colleagues on bass guitar. Hodgson had a few words about the first film on the program and tried to explain why it exists at all. No matter, it obviously exists now for our unbridled amusement.

Astral Factor, about an escaped psycho who has developed his ESP (remember that concept, boys and girls?) to the point of making himself invisible so he can snuff out has-been Hollywood starlets, would probably never have seen the light of day if not for one of its stars, Stefanie Powers. Her rise to television stardom in Hart to Hart may explain why the film has an official release date of 1985; indeed, her image is featured prominently on the video release packaging, even though she was not the main character in the film. That honor belongs to Robert Foxworth (who?), who plays the detective tracking down the psycho. Somehow, Hollywood has been forgiving enough to allow Foxworth to work steady to this day. The other big name in the film is Swedish beauty Elke Sommer, playing a spoiled, alcoholic film has-been prone to tantrums as she becomes a prisoner inside her beachside Southern California mansion.

Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks, a cliché ridden plate of horror stereotypes, is ripe for riffing, and the paid professionals did not disappoint. Of course, there were a few clunkers, but all the better as the Titanic gang improvised various ways to get back into the audience’s good graces. Conniff uses the most blatant excuse (“Oh come on! It’s late!”) when one of his lines didn’t get the desired guffaw. Or sometime they’ll riff on each other, e.g., Pehl’s declaration about a female character: “She’s putting out the pink welcome mat”. Many in the audience “oohed” (not booed), and Hodgson felt compelled to add the line, “Weeknights with Mary Jo!”

My only complaint is not with any of the performance, but the scheduling of a 15 minute intermission. Maybe 15 minutes is long enough for the performers to regroup, but not long enough for a theater full of people to take their place in Disneyworld-amusement-ride-length waiting lines to use the 1928 era facilities which can only accommodate five people at a time. (I assume the women’s room is similarly arranged.) I had just enough time to relieve myself, grab a quick bite of pizza in the lobby (scalding the roof of my mouth in the process), and get back to my seat just as the second feature began. Performances either need longer intermissions, or the Keswick needs to install more toilets, which isn’t likely given the theater's placement on the National Registry of Historic Places.

Otherwise, an enjoyable evening was had by many. I only hope the Titanics don’t take another two years to come around again.

(Thank you for reading. It’s now time to say, “Push the button, Frank!”)

Resolutions For 2012

2012-01-03T18:14:00.002-05:00

It is time once again to contemplate how I can improve my life and take positive steps to make the world around me a better place to live. Therefore, I make the following resolutions for this year.

1. Lose weight. Yes, this is the traditional resolution for millions of people this time of year, but for once in my life this could actually be doable. I’ve been attending Weight Watchers meetings at my job site, and the sessions have given me some good ideas on how I can accomplish my goal. Besides, the instructor asked for a commitment at the last meeting for the next six weeks. I played along and pledged six pounds or a pound a week. So...we shall see!

2. Resolve not to write about any Republican Presidential hopefuls for a full month. After all, these people come from all walks of American life with experience, expertise, and, most importantly, the desire to solve America’s problems. They deserve our respect and better treatment from all bloggers. As such, I will not write about their campaigning in a demeaning fashion while claiming it is my right as a satirist to do so. I will not question their intellect or grasp of policy matters while they work hard to convince voters everywhere that they are worthy to lead this country.

3. Snort! Yeah, right! Who the eff am I kidding? If I stopped writing about the Republican race, I might as well put this blog back on sabbatical. If I did that, I might have to lay off our interns, Steven and Meredith. Perhaps I should amend New Years Resolution #2.

4. Resolve not to write about any Republican Presidential hopefuls for a full month...and that month will begin February 1, 2013. That’s more like it! I honestly think I can live with this one.

5. Resolve not to make up faux resolutions (such as #4 above) in the guise of padding out my list of New Years resolutions.

6. Read more books. Now that my life is not in the state of unemployment turmoil that it was this time last year, I should be able to catch up on my reading. There are at least a dozen or so volumes of the American Presidents series which I have bought and are now collecting dust on my shelf, and currently I am making my way through a biography of Marlene Dietrich. There are also at least five other books that I started reading in the last few years, which I need to pick up and finish. This is a realistic goal; I just need to block out time before the end of the day to read a little bit.

7. Resolve to be more vigilant about my cardio rehab therapy and other physical exercise opportunities. If my back problems cease, I could do my therapy three times a week and do my stationary bicycle the other days of the week. Also, my job site has opened its own mini-gym which I could use at least one day out of the work week. All this exercising should dovetail nicely with my desire to lose weight.

8. Resolve to finally establish myself as an independent contractor for my voice over career. No punch line here.

9. Resolve to devote my days to gorging myself on potato chips and French onion dip and peel ’n’ eat shrimp, all the while watching every episode of Archer until I commit each one to memory or my brains bleed out through my ears, whichever comes first.

10. Scratch resolution #9. My executive editor has reminded me that the activities explained in #9 are okay for leisure time, but they will not be sustainable every day for the rest of my life. I didn’t quite understand what she was telling me until she used words like “gainful employment”, “job”, “mortgage”, “food”, “utilities”, “insurance”, and “taxes”. Then I understood.

So much for improving the world around me!

(Thank you for reading.)

Roll the Credits: The End of the Year

2011-12-31T08:32:00.005-05:00

It’s time to close out this blog for the year, and with any piece of art — great or otherwise — there always comes a time to give credit where credit is due. With that in mind, let’s roll the blog credits for the year.

Arteejee

Was written and produced by Raymond Todd Gunther

Additional material provided by

Newt Gingrich
Mitt Romney
Herman Cain
Rick Santorum
Michele Bachmann
Rick Perry
Sarah Palin
Christine O’Donnell
Ann Coulter
Chris Matthews
Chris Matthews’ little brother Jim
Rush Limbaugh
Barack Obama
All other members of the US House
All other members of the US Senate
Everyone who has ever worked for Fox News

Interns

Steven
Meredith

Executive Editor

Anne Marie Gunther

Lighting

PECO Energy

Makeup

Janey

Gowns by

Gene London

The author of arteejee wishes to gratefully acknowledge

Raymond and Anne Gunther (without whom, well, you know...)
The Philadelphia School District
The Southern Columbia (County) School District
Bloomsburg University (twice)
The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania
The authors of the First Amendment
And of course last, but not least, You (the reader)!

Thank you for a wonderful year!

Come back soon!

(Thank you for reading. Happy New Year to all!)

Iowa, Dear Iowa

2011-12-28T07:33:00.002-05:00

This blog entry is dedicated to the residents of Iowa because, as they may not know it, they are a groovy people! They are groovy because they, and they alone, will face the onslaught of seven — count 'em! — seven Republican candidates traipsing, cavorting, and gallivanting hither and yon within Iowa’s borders. It is these state residents who next week will give one candidate thumbs up and thrust daggers into the backs of the other candidates.

It would not surprise me if this week the people of the great state of Iowa hear or witness the candidates say or do the following.

Newt Gingrich, in his quest to become the extreme right wing candidate, will promise to bring back workhouses and poor farms for the nation’s children so they will have someplace to learn a work ethic, because (as only Newt knows) a work ethic is more important than a good education. Iowans may also witness Newt start frothing at the mouth. Now wouldn’t that be a grand YouTube moment!

MEANWHILE...

Michele Bachmann will get so exhausted from traveling to all 99 Iowa counties in nine days that she will say something endearing, historically inaccurate, but most importantly YouTube worthy, like, “It’s great to be here in Iowa where World War II began!” Come to think of it, she might also say that when she’s fully rested and alert. Iowans might also be treated to the sight of her husband Marcus...in drag. (Or so my friends tell me...!)

MEANWHILE...

Rick Perry will get so excited at the prospect at being the most extreme candidate that he might remember a point or two of his own campaign. He might even have an identity crisis and perform “Teenage Dream” in hopes that it will revive his sagging poll numbers. On a related note, Katy Perry will not be amused.

MEANWHILE...

Mitt Romney will promise to repeal Obamacare if elected, even though it was based on a great idea he once had as governor of Massachusetts. Pundits will puzzle if this promise will constitute another Romney flip-flop, but Romney’s opponents will have no trouble calling him out on it.

MEANWHILE...

Rick Santorum will also travel the state, ingratiating himself with the citizenry with such activities as hunting quail (the bird, not the former vice president) and perhaps “accidently” leave behind one of his own children here or there. On a related note, Mrs. Santorum will not be amused.

MEANWHILE...

Ron Paul will try to downplay hateful comments made in newsletters published under his name in the 1990s. Even Newt has been disgusted by the comments! Now that's saying something!

MEANWHILE...

Jon Huntsman will, um,...Jon who?

MEANWHILE...

Herman Cain! Does anybody miss him yet?

Brave Iowans! Sturdy midwesterners! We salute you for your courage to put up with this political circus!

After all, better you than us...

(Thank you for reading! You’re next, New Hampshire!)

War and Christmas*

2011-12-24T08:48:00.004-05:00

Just in case you might not have noticed, a war which we were fighting ended last week. Okay, technically it didn’t end, but our country’s involvement in it ended. There was a ceremony marking the handing over of democracy or some semblance of political stability from us to the people of Iraq, or at least those people of Iraq who still actually live in Iraq and didn’t become part of the largest international refugee crisis in recent memory.

And oh yeah, no one really expects the enemy to stop fighting, because they didn’t show up for the ceremony. When the war ended in the old days, there was one side who declared themselves victorious while the other side admitted defeat and negotiated a treaty with lots of concessions to the winners, but at least guaranteed them the dignity of not being annihilated. Like now, there would have been a ceremony, a lot of joy expressed by all relieved that the conflict was ended, a lot of parades, and pretty nurses getting grabbed and kissed in the middle of busy urban intersections.

I repeat, these were all signs of how wars ended in the past. We didn’t see any of these events happen this time. There will be no parades, no hoopla, and good luck stealing a smooch from uniformed pretties without getting a pair of cuffs slapped on your wrists for fourth degree sexual assault!

The ceremony in Iraq tried to capture the pomp of a past ceremony, like the Japanese surrender in Tokyo Bay in 1945 but, let’s face it, we aren’t total victors this time around. Yes, we enabled an environment for democracy to flourish, but democracy can be a tricky bitch. You may believe she will always act benevolent towards all those who believe in her, but she can just as easily choose to sleep with a dictator.

So our ceremony seemed to say, “Hey we came, we saw, we didn’t get the rose petals strewn in our path, we realized too late that it would not be a slam dunk, and our end result makes our involvement in Vietnam look like America’s greatest triumph. What we’re really trying to say Iraq is, ‘Sorry we screwed up! You’re on your own! Adios! We’re out of here!!!!'"

The end of that war leaves a big hole in our schedule for conflict. Fortunately, we Christians can still fight over other things, like the holiest day on the Christian calendar: Christmas! Those on the right side of Christianity have insisted with growing ferocity that there is a war on Christmas. In this regard, a number of Christians have become overly fearful that their holy celebration is in danger of being subverted.

In recent years, many Christians have registered their disdain for any movement which takes the religion out of the most religious holiday of the year. Many municipalities have restricted nativity scenes in public squares lest non-Christians be offended. This is within local government’s right and it satisfies the Constitutional guarantee separating church and state. Otherwise, what are they thinking?

They’re probably thinking that the real message of Christmas — namely, peace and good will towards all — transcends the normal labels of Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhism religions and has a universality that appeals to all humanity. Showing a preference for one group over all the others reflects an ethnocentrism which can grow into bigotry and prejudice which can lead to all sorts of nasty things. Christians do have the right to grumble that their icons aren’t as prevalent as they used to be, but they shouldn’t fear that the true meaning of the holiday isn’t shared by everyone. I don’t want to necessarily second guess Christ’s philosophy, but I feel comfortable believing that this is the way he would want us to celebrate his birthday.

We shouldn’t be so fearful if someone uses the term “Happy Holidays" instead of “Merry Christmas”. It’s just a matter of semantics, not a threat against our beliefs. There is no war; there is no conspiracy. There’s no reason to be offended when the greeter expresses the same sentiment, but uses different terms than those to which we are accustomed. (Are you listening, Sarah Palin?)

Or, to put it another way, if you’re a Christian and you have your heart set on being offended by something, then be offended by the fact that there are still starving people in the world. Be offended by the fact that millions of people are still without jobs and maybe without homes before too long. Be offended by the fact that those in whom we place our trust to remedy these situations are more interested in preserving their own opportunities and don’t give a damn about the less fortunate. There many more offensive things than just hearing the words “Happy Holidays”.

So, fellow Christians, calm down and enjoy all of the holiday observances. We do have a lot to be grateful for, even in these days of economic woes. After all, we’re not actively fighting a war any longer, and the fighters are coming home to their families. So, Happy Holidays — whatever you choose to call them - with peace and good will to all.

*This could be titled War and Peace, but someone already took that title. A pox on your house, Tolstoy!

(Thank you for reading! “…and what have we done? Another year over, a new one just begun”. What more can be said?)

The Moe Howard Treatment

2011-12-18T16:32:00.002-05:00

This time of year, the Christian world gears up for one of the holiest days of the year, celebrating the birth of Christ with renewed interest in joy, peace, and loving giving. Realistically, what the world needs now is not so much more peace and joy, but an attitude adjustment from none other than Moe Howard. No, I’m not necessarily talking about Moe Howard the actor, but rather his alter ego, the Moe Howard stooge character who could knock some sense into a person with a loose slap across the face.

(Wow, what a segue! I mentioned Christ in the topic sentence and finished the paragraph with a tongue-in-cheek reference to Three Stooges humor. Where in hell am I going with this, you may be asking? Read on...if you dare.)

I don’t come to the topic of Moe Howard accidentally. This weekend was the monthly open house of the Stoogeum in Spring House (www.stoogeum.com), and I’ve had Moe on my mind. Also, the trailer for The Three Stooges movie by the Farrelly Brothers is showing up in theaters and on the Internet. The movie won’t be released until April 2012, but the trailer is already causing some controversy. A brief informal survey of my fellow volunteers on their thoughts about the trailer ranged from indifference to a grimace of horror. Perhaps we should withhold further judgment until the movie is actually released, but, in the meantime, be forewarned: there are Stooges in our immediate future.

I’m writing as if they are coming back from somewhere, when actually the originals never went away. Oh, the actual actors are long gone, but their 290 plus shorts have been in continuous and I daresay uninterrupted syndication somewhere in the world every day since 1959. That has got to be a record, but who’s counting?

In any event, I dearly wish Moe Howard could come back if only to use his talents one more time. I don’t make it a habit to advocate violence, but there are so many people today that have their priorities screwed up. One such group of people is the 536 men and women of the United States Congress. Now I know they’re a very easy target right now with their approval rating in the single digits, but all of them — Republicans, Democrats, conservatives, liberals - need a dose of the Moe Howard treatment.

As an example, there are currently 14 million Americans who are out of work. It was determined this week that 49% of all Americans are at or below the poverty level. So, what did our Congressional knuckleheads consider this past week? Policies to create jobs? Nada! Legislation to improve financial opportunity for poor Americans? Nope! They voted to repeal a forthcoming Bush-era rule that would have discontinued the federal government’s use of old-fashioned incandescent light bulbs in favor of energy saving CFL bulbs.

Let it now be known that incandescent light bulbs are forever safe in the United States! As for unemployed Americans...ummmm, sorry, you’re on your own.

Moe wouldn’t necessarily have to draw blood or break bones. Perhaps line up one caucus in a straight line so he can he deliver one of his patent pending multiple slaps. Or an eye poke here or there; perhaps deliver one to a person who has a reputation for breaking into tears. I won’t mention his name, because lord knows I might get a visit from the Secret Service who will want to politely ask me if I was serious when I specified that a certain act of violence be performed on a certain legislator. Ladies and gentleman of the Secret Service, you should know me better by now. You should know that after five years this blog is seldom serious.

As for the rest, Moe can plant cream pies on their kissers. That should make them realize that they have their heads up where the sun don’t shine, and they should be more responsive to the problems facing all of us. I reiterate (or, in true Stooges speak, I should say I regurgitate): millions are unemployed, but light bulbs are more important. All I can say is “Moe, please come back and slap some sense into all of them...hard!”

(Thank you for reading. “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk...”)

Holiday Tune Roundup of 2011

2011-12-14T05:32:00.002-05:00

It is truly that wonderful time of the year when I get to make snarky comments on the holiday fare blasting from our radios. This is my annual state of the Christmas song message to the world. I do this as a public service, and it gives me an excuse to allow the cranky, middle-aged blogging fiend lurking inside me to rise up and say “Harrumph” or even “Bah humbug!”

One song which I must hear every day of the holiday season is John Lennon’s “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”. It just brightens my day to hear Lennon leading a children’s chorus from the Harlem Community Choir singing to everlasting peace and an end to all conflicts. This was recorded in 1971, and wherever Lennon was at that time, then his wife Yoko Ono could not be far behind. The song is always attributed to John Lennon because there isn’t a DJ in the entire northern hemisphere that has the balls to say ”and Yoko Ono” whenever they play this song. Yet it is her female voice leading the children in the “war is over” chorus. It is probably the only time her voice is heard on the radio all year. I can’t help but chuckle at this little irony every Christmas season.

One song which I take great pains to avoid each year is "The Christmas Shoes", a sentimental piece of sap that just exudes grief and tragedy, you know, the very embodiment of the Christmas holidays themselves...not! Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate the place that tragedy must occupy in our lives. But if I want to experience suicidal depression at the holidays, then I’ll go the route of the late Michael O’Donohue and shove 12 inch steel pins into my eyeballs. Fortunately, I treasure my vision, and long steel pins are so hard to come by.

Then there are some other songs which should be retired. For example, there’s the overplayed “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”. Oh, I’ll admit that it was a cute and novel idea the first year it was released, but unfortunately that year was roughly — if memory serves me correctly — 975 CE. Since then, the song has gotten more tired with the passing of each White Christmas that Irving Berlin imagined we should have. Okay, I may be off a few years when “Grandma” was first released, but I’m not off by much.

Then there are the 1,000 or so cover versions of “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer”, and an equal number of cover versions of Wham’s “Last Christmas”. Let’s consider this last point carefully, people. Why would anyone want to cover anything recorded by Wham? WHY?

There are some noteworthy high-profile cover versions of holiday favorites that have become just as much tradition as the original. Madonna’s remake of Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby” immediately springs to mind. The Material Girl is the only one of the current crop of crooners who could pull it off, but even she can’t entice Santa without Kitt’s signature purr. Of course, any year now Madge’s version will be covered by Lady Gaga. I can hardly wait...not!

Then there are some holiday favorites that were done so long ago that they were recorded by entertainment icons from several generations past. Witness “Frosty the Snowman”, as sung by Jimmy Durante with an assist from Jackie Vernon. No, kids, I’m not taking the time to tell you who Jimmy Durante was; go ask your great grandparents! Or Google him instead!

Similarly, there is “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" as sung by Thurl Ravenscroft. Ravenscroft’s greater claim to fame was Tony the Tiger and his catch phrase, “They’re great!”, which compelled anyone growing up in the 1960’s to drive their parents insane with pleas to buy Sugar Frosted Flakes. Who was Tony the Tiger, you might ask? Well, since I punted my exclamation about Jimmy Durante, I guess I could spare a few lines to explain that Tony the Tiger was a mythical, animated cartoon creature who devoured any and all small children who annoyed their middle-aged blogging elders with stupid questions like “Who the hell is Tony the Tiger?” Know what I mean? I think you do...

This explanation compels me to bring back my previous point. Wham...WHY?

So, in the true spirit of the holiday season, we should rejoice that someday war might be over; enjoy the quiet splendor of a snowy holiday; mourn for elderly ladies who meet their demise under the hooves of snorting beasts of the north, wallow in the sadness of a broken-hearted small child who believes his dying mother will want a new pair of shoes over, say a cure for whatever disease is killing her; wink and nudge at the thought of sex kittens trying their darnedest to seduce Santa Claus; cavort with cold weather friends that melt away before your eyes; and sneer with a crusty grump at the materialism of the world in general!

Christmas! Ha! Wham! Why?

(Thank you for reading. “Happy Christmas, Kyoko! Happy Christmas, Julian!”)

Least Popular Interest Groups

2011-12-10T10:22:00.002-05:00

Some years ago, Anne Marie and I saw Jeffrey, a romantic comedy about a gay man looking for love at a time when AIDS was decimating the gay community. One scene featured a rally in Central Park, where an organizer announces where different groups should gather for the gay pride parade. Naturally, the members within each group declare their pride loud and boisterously.

Groups like “Dykes on Bikes” revved their engines when their name is called. Yet, when he calls out “Black Gay Republicans”, you could hear a pin drop. Everyone in the audience immediately knew this was an improbable combination. Indeed, one theatergoer sitting behind us sniffed, “There can’t be many in that group.”

This episode led me to speculate on what interest groups we might see this year for the current crop of potential political candidates. Naturally, the big groups like the National Rifle Association and AARP will have their own vast constituency, and subsequently don’t create a challenge for my satirical exercise. But what about some other groups that may come together to support a candidate which by their actions or position on issues actually run counter to the group’s own objectives and interests?

So, in the spirit of Jeffrey, here is a short list of improbable candidate interest groups. These groups maybe have nearly one member...possibly, and even then this is a very rough estimate.

1. LGBTQ for Santorum

2. Responsible Historians for Bachmann

3. MENSA Members for Perry

4. Bald Men for Trump

5. Sane Thinking Democrats for Gingrich

6. Conservative Republicans for Romney

7. Single, Desirable Women for Cain (suspended)

8. Tax and Spend Liberals for Paul

And finally, we would be remiss if we left the President out of the fun:

9. Birthers for Obama

(Thank you for reading. And a special thank you to Jeffrey.)

...And Then There Were Seven

2011-12-07T06:02:00.002-05:00

Herman Cain’s suspension of his bid for the White House will most likely touch off a feeding frenzy by the other candidates for Cain’s supporters. Personally, I’m a bit leery of Cain’s use of the word suspended. Students are suspended from school with the understanding that they return after a set time period. Cain didn’t “end” or “terminate” his campaign; he merely suspended it. Yet everyone is assuming that has ended once and for all his quest for elected office.

Cain blamed his premature withdrawal on the hurt suffered by his family caused by media coverage of his extramarital affair and sexual harassment charges leveled against him. The candidate could not be accused of hypocrisy on the subject since he — or any of the other candidates, for that matter — have been emphasizing family values. Oh sure, Bachmann and Santorum have used traditional family values to explain their stance against gay marriage, but it is more of an understanding between themselves and voters that they would stand for these values as they align themselves with conservative voters. The candidates don’t beat the subject to death, but there is an underlying agreement that an advocacy of monogamous, heterosexual relationships is a basis for their moral beliefs.

The media, aware of this high standard voters set for their candidates, are ever vigilant for any violations that may be found in the candidates past. Or we can explain the media reaction another way: he media, aware that salacious details of a sexual nature sell more newspapers and advertising time in the non-print infotainment venues, are ever vigilant for any violations that may be found in the candidates past. Yes, that’s much better!

I’m not totally blaming the media for their coverage on Cain’s sexcapades. They can’t help themselves; it’s not that they don’t know any better when it comes to deciding which stories to pursue or not. The media do have high standards of ethics. As long as they confirm the facts of the story from more than one source, then they go with it, giving the public the illusion that they are just as outraged at the facts as the public should be.

Perhaps the charges against Cain have raised the ire within the conservative community, but otherwise the reaction from the public at large has been a shrug of the shoulders and ho-hum yawn. It’s not that the general public is blasé about adultery, but many of us do recognize that the temptations are harder to resist by those who have the massive ego required to run for office in the first place. They may want to be thought of as gods, but they are in fact still human, still vulnerable to the sins that life offers. Of course, we should hold office seekers to high standards, but we shouldn’t be so shocked when we discover that they have faltered.

Cain’s campaign implosion was inevitable, and not because of the allegations of his sordid past. His presentations displayed more style than substance. The economic ideas he touted (9-9-9 tax reform, for example) was deemed more complex than he would admit, but he boiled the idea down for electorate consumption. It was almost as if he were saying, “Here’s a great idea, but let’s worry about the details later”. Now, where have we heard that management philosophy before? Oh yeah, from George W. Bush, and look where that got us!

No one could doubt his salesmanship with a flair for thinking up new and inventive ideas to sell his product. Witness the old video that went viral on the Internet in which he sang the virtues of pizza to John Lennon’s Imagine. As a writer with a keen eye for satire, I could appreciate the performance complete with a small gospel choir. As a John Lennon fan, I was less than thrilled, but perhaps I’m taking it too seriously.

There is a downside to Cain’s departure: one local commentator has noted that African-American conservatives do not have anyone to relate to in the current crop of Republican presidential hopefuls. The seven who are left are lily white and overwhelmingly male. Par for the course! In this respect, all voters should mourn the lack of diversity among the Republican contenders.

So, whither Cain now? He insists he will still be a voice championing conservative values; he just won’t do it while holding high office. Where best to use his sales expertise, his power of persuasion, his less than stellar grasp of the issues, and his charismatic presence? Why Fox News, of course! They must have a time slot for him somewhere...

(Thank you for reading!)

Snort Notes – December 2011 (Congressional Follies)

2011-12-03T09:30:00.002-05:00

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL MICHELE BACHMANN CLARIFIES THAT GAY MEN AND WOMEN ALREADY HAVE THE RIGHT TO MARRY AS LONG AS THEY MARRY MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

Before we skewer this bit of logic (which could only make sense in Michele’s tiny, narrow world view), we should thank her for her entry this week in the “Ann Coulter: Oops! I Really Stuck My High Heels in My Mouth This Time Award” competition. Now let us bring on the skewers...

Perhaps this would be a good time to point out to Michele that marriage between two people who want to commit themselves to sharing a lifetime together is based on honesty and integrity. The type of marriage or “arrangement” which she proposes is not a novel or new idea. In fact, it’s been done for generations, where one or both people in the “arrangement” are gay, but they pretend to be heterosexual for the benefit of the world at large. If they are forced to pretend to be something that they are not — and please, Michele, stop me if I lose you on this point — then they are not being honest with themselves and the world around them.

(Thanks Michele! Now I’m channeling Dr. Joyce Brothers! Thanks a lot!)

The two people in this relationship obviously work out their own parameters of what is or isn’t acceptable when it comes to moments of physical intimacy between themselves or others outside of their “arrangement”. This should be a major “duh” moment for you, Michele! In real life, such situations create endless complications, although in dramaturgy it can create good material for any number of Rock Hudson/Doris Day romantic style comedies from the 1960s.

My point is that there is a certain amount of deception inherent in this type of relationship, which could be seen as violating the two tenets of traditional marriage: honesty and integrity. Many people in the gay community are tired of the deception and now want to be able to be open and honest about their committed relationships with their partners and with the world at large. They want to participate and embrace the concept of marriage in the spirit in which marriage was intended with full honesty and 100% integrity.

Why is this so hard for you to understand, you conservative twit?

IN A LEGISLATIVE VICTORY FOR FROZEN PIZZA MANUFACTURERS, CONGRESS DECLARES THAT PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE

This latest display of Washington intelligence occurred when pizza manufacturers realized that new school lunch requirements, which mandate that students be offered more vegetables for their noon respite, could mean a drop in demand for their product. Their lobbyists had their work cut out for them, but they did it. They succeeded in convincing Congress that, since tomato sauce is used as a base for the pizza, then the entire pie could be counted as a vegetable. Thus Congress thumbed their nose at common scientific botanical knowledge, and gave the finger to Mother Nature.

I asked my Weight Watchers instructor if she had heard about this Congressional action. She mused that it could be counted as a vegetable if they included something like broccoli as a topping. My Weight Watchers instructor is a very intelligent person when it comes to the topic of food consumption and weight loss, but obviously the finer nuances of government stupidity are lost on her. Pity! But I digress...

If Congress has made this bold step, then obviously they know that the technology exists which will enable us to grow pizzas whole and naturally. Imagine, pizzas will be America’s next cash crop! We will no longer have to wait for farmers to grow wheat and convert it to flour, or grow the grains which they will feed to their cows that make the milk which will be aged into cheese, and grow the tomatoes which will be converted into sauce, and then have everything slapped together and baked by perhaps illegal immigrants at your local pizzeria. In the future, we should be able to walk into our neighborhood farm supply and buy packets of seed which will enable us to grow pizzas in our backyards! Oh boy! I can hardly wait!

I just thought of something...what about pepperoni pizza? Will the seed for the pepperoni pizza have to be cross-pollinated to create a hybrid? I hope scientists are working on this problem right now.

Oh, wait another minute! I wonder if pizzeria owners have their own lobby. Maybe we won’t be able to grow our own pizzas in our backyard patches after all...

Anyway we should all thank Congress for their bold and new botanical vision. We should thank them now, and vote them out next year for this display of Washingtonian stupidity.

OPENLY GAY LIBERAL JEWISH CONGRESSMAN BARNEY FRANK (D–MA) ANNOUNCES HIS RETIREMENT FROM CONGRESS

Now here is a visionary: he has seen the writing on the wall and has noted the anti-incumbent mood of the country. Here is a man who knows when it is time to get out. Obviously he has looked around at the legislative paralysis afflicting both houses of Congress and has thrown his hands up in surrender. Some may see his action as cowardly, while others may see it as the wisdom of a veteran legislature who realizes it’s time for some new blood to move the country forward.

Liberals will hate to see Barney Frank go; conservatives are already licking their chops at the prospect of electing one of their like-minded people to succeed Frank. Liberals will miss Frank’s combative style in his quest to improve the lives of the downtrodden. Conservatives — many of them working for Fox — have noted that the representative’s combativeness could be seen as bullying towards his colleagues and his aides.

So be it! The US Capitol is an immense pressure cooker of interests and political intrigue. The rigors of the job can make ordinarily good-natured people with the purest of motives do strange things. And by strange, I mean like voting for pizza, or having delusions that certain people do not have the same rights as everyone else. When these people stoop to such shenanigans, then maybe the electorate is justified in their feelings towards Congress. In this case, many members of Congress deserve to get a time out.

(Thank you for reading.)

Rick Perry’s Third Day in Office*

2011-11-29T19:20:00.003-05:00

Time once again to indulge in some historical theory and speculate on the shape of events to come. In this case, we shall say “what if” the idea that one of the current crop of Republican hopefuls for the White House actually gets elected.

(*We say third day, because the first day is all inaugural festivities and more boot scooting, shit-kicking balls than you can shake a stick at; while the second day the new President gets down to business and starts carrying out all of the outlandish campaign promises. It’s the dawning of the third day when reality takes hold, the new president’s policies start affecting everyone, and the American electorate asks themselves, “My God! What the eff have we done?”)

TIME: January 22, 2013.

SCENE: The Oval Office. President Rick Perry is seated at his desk when Chief of Staff Andrew Breitbart rushes in.

Breitbart: Mr. President, we need to talk...

Perry: Not now! Can’t you see I’m trying to decide which country I have to start a war with.

Breitbart: Start a war with? But Mr. President, no country has acted with any belligerency towards us for months. Your predecessor successfully negotiated peace treaties with all the countries that we were fighting. Everyone loves us...even Iran!

Perry: I know that, and you know that, but that wise ass blogger arteejee insists that since I’m from Texas and I won the election that I have to pick a fight with somebody. He says it’s tradition! Johnson had a war; both Bushes had their wars; now it’s my turn. Get out of the way while I toss this dart at the globe over there! Now where did it stick?

Breitbart: Um...Oklahoma!

Perry: Dang! I was trying for Mexico. Oh well, those Okies got to be a pain-in-the-ass when I was governor. Maybe I will march into Tulsa just for the hell of it.

Breitbart: Mr. President, you cannot declare war against one of your own states.

Perry: Where’s Michele?

Breitbart: Michele...Bachmann? I believe she’s down in Miami separating Hispanic children from their illegal immigrant parents. She’s processing the parents for deportation.

Perry: Oh, right, her un-amnesty program. Well, tell her to get her tail back up here as soon as she can.

Breitbart: Why? Do you have a new policy for her to implement?

Perry: No, my water pitcher is empty! I’ve worked up a mighty thirst trying to decide where to go to war, what parts of the Constitution I want to scrap, and which departments to eliminate.

Breitbart: Ah, funny you should mention the Constitution, sir. You realize that declaring portions of it null and void can’t be done with just an executive order. It’s a long, drawn out process.

Perry: Oh yeah? I’ll fix that with another executive order. Any requests?

Breitbart: Pardon me, sir?

Perry: Any requests for amendments we should cut? How about the Second Amendment? It can’t be that important if the Founding Fathers didn’t make it the First Amendment, right?

Breitbart: Oh no, sir! We want to keep the Second Amendment! That’s the one that allows us to keep guns.

Perry: Oh, right! I better make a note of that. “Keep guns.” (suddenly laughs hysterically)

Breitbart: What’s so funny, sir?

Perry: I don’t know. Mitt Romney just popped into my head. (both laugh hysterically) Whatever happened to him?

Breitbart: He’s your vice president, sir.

Perry: Oh, yeah, but whatever happened to him? I haven’t seen him around here today.

Breitbart: You issued an executive order yesterday banishing him to Alaska to serve out the remaining time of Sarah Palin’s term as governor.

Perry: Okay. Now, where’s my Secretary of Labor? What’s his name? Ginrich? Grinchgich?

Breitbart: You mean Newt Gingrich? He’s up in New York City today, teaching nine year olds the correct way to mop a school gymnasium floor.

Perry: What for?

Breitbart: It’s part of his plan to get gut child labor laws and put kids to work.

Perry: Well, tell him I need to see him when he gets back. I need some of that high-falutin’ historical advice he gave to Freddie Mac. Maybe he can show me where to go to war.

(Secretary of State Herman Cain rushes in)

Cain: I’m sorry to barge in, Mr. President, but my mind is still swirling from the inauguration. I know you gave me some orders yesterday, but um, I’ve gotten everything mixed up. What was I supposed to do with Libya again?

Perry: Oops, I forgot too! Bomb the hell out of it!

Breitbart: But, Mr. President, Libya is no longer an enemy. Remember, Khadafy is dead.

Perry: Don’t worry about it, Cain. Go ahead and start some military action against them. We’ll just let Fox News put a positive spin on it. (Cain exits)

Breitbart: Speaking of those executive orders, Mr. President...

Perry: You mean the ones where I unilaterally and arbitrarily cut three government agencies out of existence?

Breitbart: Yes, those orders. Do you remember which departments you cut?

Perry: Well, you know I campaigned to cut three agencies. I cut the EPA and all their overregulation of our American industry. Any progress yet?

Breitbart: Some progress, sir. Every industry is reporting increased output now that they don’t have to worry about not polluting the air and water.

Perry: Sounds great! Have any of those bleeding heart liberal arguments against deregulation come true because the EPA is no more?

Breitbart: Well, sir, now that you mention it...hospitals in the major industrial areas are reporting upticks in emergency room cases for asthma, upper respiratory infections, and gastrointestinal illnesses from drinking tainted water.

Perry: Hmmm...must be a coincidence.

Breitbart: Of course, sir! My thoughts exactly! What other departments did you cut?

Perry: Well, let’s see...Commerce. How is that going?

Breitbart: Fantastic, sir! Many companies are expanding production and planning new growth, now that they don’t have to follow any pesky government regulations. The only problem today is they can’t find enough workers to fill their positions.

Perry: Why not? Where are all the people that Barack Obama’s policies put out of work?

Breitbart: They’re in the emergency rooms getting treated for asthma and gastrointestinal illnesses, sir!

Perry: Hmmm...must be a coincidence.

Breitbart: Yes, sir, it must be a coincidence.

Perry: You better have Michele ease up on her un-amnesty. We may need some of those workers for our American companies.

Breitbart: Yes, sir. Now, about that third agency you cut yesterday...

Perry: Well, in all the excitement of getting elected and inaugurated I forgot which one I campaigned to cut. So yesterday I just picked one at random.

Breitbart: And that was...?

Perry: Oh, I can’t remember now. Oh, wait...it started with a “d”.

Breitbart: Defense?!! You cut defense?

Perry: Yeah, why? Is that bad?

Breitbart: Well, that explains why a battalion of tanks are crossing the Key Bridge at this moment!

Perry: No problem! I’ll just issue another executive order to grant all of Michele’s illegal immigrants instant citizenship, impose the Second Amendment to arm them, then have Commerce hire them as mercenaries and position them along the Potomac against the tanks.

Breitbart: That’s brilliant, sir! You’ll go down in history as our greatest President ever!

Perry: Oh, I better add a pitcher of water to that order too. My mouth is as dry as a summer afternoon in El Paso.

(Thank you for reading!)

Thankful - 2011

2011-11-24T07:55:00.002-05:00

It is that time once again to count our blessings and express our gratitude for everything that we have received in our lives. In my life, first and foremost I am grateful that I will have the chance to gather with my loved ones again to catch up with their lives, reminisce about old times and, of course, eat ourselves silly into a tryptophan induced stupor. I am also blessed that I have a blog on which I can vent and rant at the massive stupidities we encounter in America today.

The last sentence of the first paragraph is the first part of what the French call a segue. In order to enjoy the full effect of this literary device, please proceed to the first sentence of the next paragraph. I’m anything but subtle.

I am also grateful that Newt Gingrich is a Republican — the polar opposite of my cherished slightly left of center political beliefs. I can’t emphasize this enough. In fact I’ll probably emphasize it more in a future blog entry. However, now is not the time to take cheap shots at a noted American politician who, based on the things he has said and done in his life, would make one swear that he has his head up his ass. No, I repeat no, this is the time for somber reflection of our accumulated blessings.

I am also thankful that my life is on an upswing again on a path to economic security and not in the bowels of despair that I was wallowing in at this time last year. I am grateful that part of my journey to prosperity was the opportunity to further my education through the state funded CareerLinks. I am really truly thankful, unlike some people who begrudge the unemployed a chance at retraining. Of course I’m talking about good ole Newt again.

So much for somber reflection!

Did you hear his latest brain fart? No, I’m not referring to the hygiene and career advice he offered to the Occupy Wall Street protestors: “Get a bath, and then get a job!” He wants to roll back child labor laws so they can replace the unionized janitors at our nation’s schools. This way the kids can clean their own schools and earn money at the same time. There are so many things wrong with this idea!

First of all, repealing child labor laws would greatly increase the labor pool, which is not necessarily a good thing when there are 14 million Americans already out of work. That’s 14 million adult Americans, as in 14 million adult Americans of voting age.

The children will be a cheap source of labor, which would be great for business but not so great for adult workers who have families to support. Ultimately, this logic would backfire on the business world. The youngins would be unskilled and unskilled workers run a high risk of producing...oh, what is the technical term which the French have, oh yes...merde (shit).

If kids are obligated to clean their own schools, when will they have the time or possess the energy to learn everything they need to make them productive citizens of society? Oh, wait, they won’t have to be productive citizens for American society, because their own children will take the jobs that the adults normally have gotten because the child labor laws don’t exist anymore. Silly me for overlooking this brilliant facet of Newt’s plan to dismantle unions! It’s so in the spirit of the ugly circle of life, or karma, take your pick!

So, boys and girls, if you’re bored with school, then tell your parents to vote for Newt! He’ll get rid of those pesky laws that keep you in school and thrust you into the working world. Yes, someday soon nine year olds everywhere can be back in the coal mines like their great-grandfathers, who picked through a ton of coal for three cents a day! (I know because I met one of those children, although by the time I met him he was a very old man lost in his memories as he gazed upon a full size model of a working coal car at the Schuylkill County Mall near Frackville, PA).

Don’t fret about earning the measly three cents a day. This is the 21st century, after all, and federal laws guarantee you will earn a minimum wage of $7.25! Oh wait, I forgot, if Newt’s in charge then he’ll repeal that law too! Maybe three cents a day wages are in your future.

On the bright side, children earning such a low wage might entice some manufacturers to take jobs away from China and bring them home to the USA! Think of it! Such products like Apple computers will be made once again in the USA...USA...USA! Hooray!

I repeat, Newt must have his head deep inside his rectum. So please cherish this image in your mind as you lean back in your chairs digesting the feast that was provided by the bounties of our American life which were grown, harvested, packaged and transported to your table by hard-working, sometimes unionized Americans. And, oh yes, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

(Thank you for reading.)

The Lesser of Eight Evils

2011-11-19T07:23:00.003-05:00

Ah, the ups and downs of the Republican presidential hopefuls on the campaign trail. There’s so many from which to choose, and so much time to do the choosing. The popularity of each candidate grows and wanes so fast that it can leave the heads of the electorate swimming.

The election is nearly 11 months away and already some of the GOP field have had brilliant launches, and then just as quickly flamed out. Michele Bachmann peaked very early in Iowa; she’s now on a book tour thinly disguised as a run for the White House. Pundits have pronounced Herman Cain’s quest all but dead; the sexual harassment skeletons in his closet didn’t help, but his dithering on some issues, such as Obama’s policy towards Libya, shows he’s ill-prepared for debate let alone the Oval Office. Then, breaking out of the back of the pack, Newt Gingrich rises in popularity only to be dogged by a controversy about $1.5 million in consulting fees he collected from taxpayer subsidized Freddie Mac.

We realize that Republicans have a while to choose their man (or woman) to unseat Obama, but this is getting ridiculous! This making someone believe they are the chosen ones, then throwing them on the political heap a month later is getting very tired, very fast.* Make up your minds already!

Now, as a public service, we will thin the current herd and make their decision that much easier.

One fellow who also peaked about two months ago (honestly, I’ve lost count) and who believes he still has a chance is Texas’ absentee governor, Rick Perry. This week he launched an anti-Obama political ad that is being broadcast about a year too early. It really is an intense indictment against the president that should have been released in the heat of the final campaign, not months before the presumptive nominee is even chosen.

Perry’s ad starts with footage of Obama at a business forum where he answers a question about the perception among foreign investors that America has “impediments towards investing”. The President answered in reference to American policymakers and business that “we’ve been a bit lazy” in selling the investment opportunities that the country offers. Perry pounced on the “a bit lazy” words and said that Obama was referring to American workers. He denounced the President’s attitude as “pathetic”, and finished the ad with a plea to send him to Washington to stop Obama’s socialistic agenda.

Perry’s quote twisting is the only pathetic act in this drama. He is the one calling Americans lazy, not Obama. Hard working Americans should find Perry’s act offensive, yet his audience will believe his version of the events.

Perry should get off the campaign trail and go back to Austin to finish the job that the good people of Texas elected him to do. The same could be said for Bachmann and her fellow House member Ron Paul. Get back to Washington and finish your terms; then worry about a job at the White House. This would take three people out of the race and cut the choices down to five.

So who would be left? Aside from the aforementioned Cain and Gingrich, there is former congressman Rick Santorum, former Obama official Jon Huntsman and former governor (and for all intents and purposes the most consistent front runner) Mitt Romney. Santorum and Huntsman have yet to have their month atop the polls, but rest assured they’ll get their chance if the fickleness of the Republican electorate holds to its present course. If each one of these candidates gets his chance to be on top of the heap, then we can expect some sort of skeleton to emerge from their respective closets within days of their ascension.

This is going to be a fun spectator sport for liberals to follow this winter! I can hardly wait! Face it, Republican Party faithful: when all is said and done, you’ll have the lesser of eight evils to choose from: Mitt Romney. Good luck and happy polling!

*I’m especially worried about Newt! He’s soooooo sensitive, you know. Why, one time he pouted and closed the whole government down, and we all remember what happened next. The shutdown created a crisis that forced many White House staffers to work longer hours together, which allowed Monica to sink her claws into Bill and she wouldn’t let go, and then the President lied about what they did, so he was impeached...and it was all Newt’s fault! Now there’s an interpretation of American history that you won’t read anywhere else but here!

(Thank you for reading!)

Certified (or Certifiable) Medical Coder

2011-11-15T06:48:00.003-05:00

One of the benefits of being laid off is the chance to wipe the slate clean and start over again. In Pennsylvania – (where, at the moment, child molesters still have free rein (but stay tuned, because a change is in the air) — the state offers retraining programs for unemployed. It’s called CareerLinks, a state funded effort to get people back to meaningful work. Of course, being a bureaucracy, there’s several hurdles full of paperwork to be dealt with, and there is rigorous testing (including math) to determine your qualifications for the program.

My passage through all this made it possible for me to get instruction in medical coding, a career choice that is predicted to explode in the next few years and create many new job opportunities. So I gave up five months worth of Saturday mornings to learn the intricacies of extracting information from medical and surgical descriptions and distilling it down to a five-digit procedure code and a three-to-five digit diagnosis code for the purpose of billing insurance carriers. This was followed by a certification exam given by the AAPC – American Association of Professional Coders.

I can now report that all of this effort has paid off. I passed the exam and I can now call myself a professional coder.

Of course, I couldn’t have done it without the moral support of my wife and colleagues at work, and most importantly I couldn’t have accomplished this without the investment of the everyday state taxpayer, who send their hard cash to Harrisburg every year and wonder what return they get. Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Pennsylvania taxpayer, I want to express my deep appreciation for your faith in my abilities to become a useful, gainfully employed citizen of the Commonwealth again. I also couldn’t have done it without...me! Hey, I’m a taxpayer too! Some of my money went to funding this program. So thank you to me!

It was a lot of hard work. The last month or so required that I concentrate on my studies as the course wound down towards the certification exam. Even though I have 20 years experience paying medical claims, I still had to learn or relearn medical terms that are vital parts of the health care industry. Many vocational specialties have a specialized vocabulary, and health care is no exception.

For example, wounds are not simply cleaned; they are debrided. Surgical sites are not doused with water or some other sterile solution; they are irrigated. Lesions are not removed; they are excised. Body limbs are not hacked off or otherwise chopped off with extreme prejudice; they are amputated.

One new term for me was the process of fulguration; the destruction of tissue – most likely malignant — through the use of electrical means by way of a needle. Until I learned this definition, I thought it would be proper to use this term like this: “We had to fulgurate the house last night after my wife and I had beans for supper.” It turns out that this would have been an improper use of the word fulgurate. Go figure!

Towards the end, I did countless practice exercises comprised of surgical reports. I realized that I was living, breathing, eating and sleeping medical terms. During this time, I would go about my usual morning routine of feeding Steven and Meredith, using the toilet, brewing coffee, and walking to the end of my driveway for the morning paper. In a medical report, this innocuous series of events might be reported like this:

Beef and or salmon byproducts were excised from its container and prepped in the usual fashion for feline consumption. Total bowel and bladder evacuation was performed. Next, ground particles of 95% caffeine were placed in a cone for steeping with H2O at a temperature of 212 degrees Fahrenheit. While this drip procedure was performed, an exploratory of the exterior of the property was done for the morning correspondence of news events. Using an instrument utilizing claws at one end to extract the journal reduced the risk of serious injury by allowing retrieval of the paper without the patient having to bend over to reach it. By this time, the drip procedure was completed and the caffeine solution was prepared for human consumption, allowing patient and spouse to tolerate the morning well.

Isn’t the world of medical coding fascinating?

(Thank you for reading! Be careful when and where you fulgurate; it might be illegal in some states.)

They Just Don’t Get It Syndrome

2011-11-12T07:27:00.002-05:00

The big story rocking the state of Pennsylvania this week is the tragic events unfolding in Happy Valley when a member of Joe Paterno’s coaching staff was indicted for molesting young boys. The story barely broke a week ago, and already the fallout has been swift and severe. So far, Paterno has been fired, Penn State University’s president has resigned, and at least two other university administrators have seen their careers evaporate before their eyes.

All of these punishing events are happening after years of turning a blind eye to horrible events done within the confines of an established and respected institution. One local reporter went as far as to compare Penn State’s sex scandal to the one that has been haunting the Roman Catholic Church for the last 20 years. Both scandals do share similarities. Penn State University and the church are both revered and cherished institutions. The misdeeds which happened within their environments were reported through channels, but further action against the perpetrators faltered somewhere up in the hierarchy.

Today, many regrets are being voiced. Some commentators are shaking their heads at the overall traditional attitude that the institution is more sacred than the safety and well being of humans victimized by horrible assaults. In Penn State’s case, there is not only the sanctity of the football program, but also the millions of dollars in revenue that the program generates for the school. It's almost as if the attitude has been “Money trumps all! Get over it!”

Actually, now that I think about it, this attitude is pervasive through many other of mankind’s cherished institutions. This doesn’t necessarily leave Penn State off the hook. The perpetrators and those that cover up the behavior all seem to suffer from a case of not getting it or a pathetic lack of concern for others who have been adversely affected by their actions. I would like to say that this is the only example of “not getting it” in this section of the country, but I would be sadly mistaken.

For example, there was the recent election for Montgomery County Commissioners, an office which requires three people. During the last term, the commissioner’s office was stymied by a bipartisan snub by two of the officials against the third member. Former high profile district attorney Bruce Castor was excluded from county commissioner business by Republican Jim Matthews and Democrat Joe Hoeffel.

Consequently, it does not appear that the commissioners accomplished very much during this term. Castor always seem to be eager to portray himself as a victim of politics, although he himself has been quoted as saying he is not a consensus builder, which is a vital skill that should be highly valued by the electorate. This week’s election replaced Matthews and Hoeffel with two Democrats. Once again, Castor will fill the third seat since he had the third highest number of votes and a state law that requires the minority party be represented on the board. In the election’s aftermath, Castor was quoted as saying that the Democrats won the seats due to higher registration of Democratic voters in the county and the amount of money the Democrats spent on the campaign.

Actually, he was only two-thirds correct and demonstrated that he also suffers from they just don’t get it syndrome. He could have been totally honest if he had also admitted, “The Republican Party may have lost its grip on Montgomery County politics for the first time in 140 years because I was perceived as acting like an egotistical prima donna, which caused my fellow commissioners to treat me like a leper.” He could have said that, but he didn’t.

The they just don’t get it syndrome is also evidenced at the state level. Natural gas lobbyist and alleged governor of Pennsylvania, Tom Corbett, doesn’t get it. With thousands of miles of state roads and thousands of bridges in disrepair, the state infrastructure is begging for a badly needed fix. Does Corbett realize that a well maintained infrastructure is a vital part of the state’s economy? Does he know that private enterprise is not capable of the Herculean task of implementing the necessary investment in resources and jobs to solve the problem? Apparently not, as he has given the state’s infrastructure woes a low priority behind his pet project of promoting school vouchers in the state.

Corbett realizes that investment resources can come from increased state revenue, or in other words, taxes! Problem is he has chosen to follow the pledge of no taxes by anti-progressive Grover Norquist. The “governor” can only kick this can down the road. Let someone else worry about the roads tomorrow and never mind that it will likely cost much more to fix the crumbling bridges later on. When it comes to investments for the common good, Corbett doesn’t get it.

Admittedly, Castor’s and Corbett’s sins don’t come close to the scale of the tragedy at Penn State. Still, we should recognize this too human folly of feigning ignorance in many situations so we can solve the problems posed by said situations. Joe Paterno has harshly learned this lesson this week. He now realizes he could have done more by looking to himself, rather than to others to deal with the assaults at Penn State. Finally, JoePa gets it.

(Thank you for reading.)

I’m Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!

2011-11-08T07:15:00.002-05:00

Good day everyone! I hope this entry finds everyone well. I want to thank everyone who looked in on my blog during the month of October. I apologize if I disappointed anyone, but there were other things that needed to be done. Now that those things are completed, I can come back and blog with impunity. I want to send a very special thank you to my two most loyal readers, one of whom begged me to come back. So thank you, Janey and Mom.

I will write at length about my coding class experiences later, but for now I feel like I need to play catch up on the events from October. It was quite an eventful month! My beloved Phillies proved once again that THEY were the team to beat to get to the World Series. Unfortunately, the St. Louis Cardinals were the ones doing the beating! The Cardinals went all the way for the 11th time in franchise history, while the Texas Rangers went home empty-handed for the second year in a row. Texas, we feel your pain. You not only had a losing World Series, but your governor is AWOL while he gallivants around the country trying to convince the American people that he should succeed Barack Obama.

I can’t leave the subject of the World Series without noting the general decline in today’s baseball players. I was dumbstruck when one of the World Series games was postponed because of rain! Rain, can you imagine? What a bunch of wussies! There was a time not so long ago when postponing a baseball championship would have been unheard of. This was back in baseball’s glory days when baseball players were made of steel and their bats were instruments of mass destruction! In case I’ve lost you, I’m referring to the great wonderful World Series of 2008! My Phillies played in the rain and they went on to win that decisive game against the Tampa Bay Rays. Okay, granted the game was called after five innings, but they came back a few nights later to win their second championship.

The next year the Phillies went to the World Series again, and this time a few of the games stretched into November. That’s November as in November, nearly winter! Okay, granted we lost that series, but I’d like to see how the wussie Cardinals play in November!

In October we bid farewell to Libyan dictator Moammar Ghadaffi, or Ghadafi, or Gandolfi, or however he spelled his name. He vowed to hold on to the death, and that’s what he got! Bloodied and beaten (complete with video that went viral on the World Wide Web), his reign ended in an alleged crossfire that looked suspiciously like a gangland execution straight out of The Godfather.

His end is no matter to us, because it is a tradition in the western Judeo-Christian culture which he so despised, to pause at times like this to remember the good things he did while he lived. Like, for instance, there was the time when he hired that guy to put a bomb...oh, wait, a lot of us died in that bombing. On the other hand, there was that speech when he said...oh, no, sorry. I forgot that he could be a major bitch when it came to demonizing Western culture.

To be honest, when it comes to saying something nice about Moammar Ghaddafi, I’ve got nothing. So, Moammar, sic semper tyrannus!

October is gone, and November is upon us. November is the month of Thanksgiving, a time to express gratitude for everything that life has bestowed on us. I’m grateful that I am working this year, as opposed to this time last year when I was unemployed. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to advance my career courtesy of CareerLinks, which enabled me to take the medical coding class which I’ve just completed. Most of all, I am grateful that God has seen fit to send us Ann Coulter! I haven’t talked about Ann in awhile, and Lord knows she is overdue for a drubbing in my blog! Honestly, she is one big reason that liberal bloggers like me get out of bed every morning.

Last week, Ms. Coulter defended black conservative political leader and entrepreneur Herman Cain from accusations of sexual harassment in his deep, dark past. She attempted to make the argument that liberals always make a big controversy out of scandals like this when liberals are just as guilty of committing the same sins. I won’t argue this point, Ann. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: liberals have more fun! So get over it!

However, in further defending Cain and other black conservative like him, she raised the point that “our blacks are better than their blacks.” Oh dear, Ann. Dear, dear Ann...you really stuck your spiked heels into your mouth this time!

I must point out, Ms. Coulter, a little historical tidbit that must have escaped your attention. However, in order to do so I would have to stoop to your level. Believe me, I find this idea just as repulsive as the next person. The very idea that a couple of white people should sit around and argue which of their blacks are better strikes me as ludicrous and so, oh, I don’t know, so antebellum.

Oh, what the hell! In the words of Red Skelton, “I dood it!”

Dear Ms. Coulter, if you believe that conservative blacks are better than liberal blacks because you believe they are more financially and materialistically successful, then by all means you are free to think that. However, I must point out to you that while your conservative blacks maybe better, one of our blacks is living in the White House!

BOOYAH!!!!! Ain’t I a bitch! All together now: “The bitch is back!!!!”

(Thank you for reading!)

ADHD Blog Writer’s Block

2011-09-28T20:03:00.002-04:00

Move along now! There’s nothing to see here...at least not today. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, but, well, okay, I can’t focus on any one topic to make it worthwhile.

Oh, there’s plenty going on in my world. The job is good, but it leaves me mentally exhausted at night. My coding class is going into the home stretch, with the actual certification examination scheduled for November 5. Between these two poles are my everyday life and all of its obligations. In short, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by it all. I have too much on my plate...no, strike that, I have so much going on that I feel like I’m carrying two full plates at once. That’s not necessarily a bad thing — I’ve been known to accomplish such a feat at various Chinese buffets in my area — but sometimes the weight of the contents can strain your arms.

I’ve fallen off the exercise wagon. I haven’t used my stationary bicycle in weeks; ordinarily I would do at least 25 minutes a day, or about five miles. Three times a week I would go to cardio rehab, but this month my heart hasn’t been in it. (ba boom ching!) There are various other reasons: a cold one week, car trouble the next, and a spell of very humid weather which by all rights should have departed with the summer season last week.

Would you believe I’m working up a sweat while I’m writing this entry? That’s how humid it is!

Beyond my life, the world is plodding along. The Philadelphia Phillies found their bats again after an eight game losing streak. They are now on the verge of setting a new franchise record of 102 victories in a single season if they can sweep the Atlanta Braves tonight. In the regular season, a sweep of the Braves would be a tall order, but stranger things have happened lately. After tonight, all eyes will be on the post season, and I hope the Phillies players get a few days rest before the slate is wiped clean for the start on Saturday.

The political world has been rather ho-hum lately. There’s been no clear front runner yet in the Republican presidential nominee race. All of the straw polls — those self-inflated media events that are treated as one big party wherever and whenever they happen — have not produced any one viable candidate. Oh yeah, Bachmann took Iowa, Romney won in Michigan, and Cain wowed them in Florida (I suspect a massive free pizza giveaway to the party faithful there), and the shadow of Perry looming over everything else. Palin has become a wallflower, dressing up nicely and making waves once in awhile as she awaits the right moment to join the dance.

The big scandal of the week involves a wardrobe malfunction on Dancing with the Stars, when television talking head Nancy Grace spilled out of her costume, and revealed that she does have at least one nipple. Naturally, the still pictures and a clumsily edited video version have become an Internet sensation. Nancy has denied that it happened at all, which is not the route to take. She should (okay, I’m getting this out of my system now) bare all on an episode of her own show, come clean about the ensuing scandal, and perhaps flash the other one. After all, these things do come in pairs!

Did I use the word scandal? Alas, it is much ado about nothing.

Anne Marie is in mourning: two of her favorite blogs have decided to cease. There will be no more “Undie Monday” (a weekly feature of scantily clad men in undershorts) as that blogger has decided to stop writing. I can’t say that I blame him. I enjoy blogging myself, even if the entire concept comes off as an egotistical exercise for many writers. On the down side, the pay is non-existent and the benefits suck! Don’t even ask about a retirement plan.

I’ve contemplated taking a similar break, at least until my coding class is finished. Honestly, I don’t know what to do yet. I’m still mulling over my options. So come back Friday; better yet make it Saturday. If I’m here, I’m here. If not, then go on and live your lives, balancing as many full plates as you can handle at the buffet of life. Check back every few days; I may be here after I rest my arms.

(Thank you for reading; this is my 600th post, believe it or not! Go Phillies!!!!!!!!!!)

Adios, Summer

2011-09-23T20:08:00.002-04:00

Today, autumn begins, and many of us are welcoming the change this year. We are looking forward to cooler temperatures, hopefully drier conditions, and colorful displays of foliage that could dazzle our senses. We are looking forward also because we don’t want to look back at a largely disappointing summer season.

To put it bluntly: summer, you were a bitch this year. First, you gave us long stretches of hot weather that was too dry for our crops. Then you ended with several intense periods of very wet weather that caused untold damage in monetary terms, put our crops out of their misery, and threatened a fragile bipartisan mood in our national politics. Okay, that bipartisan mood is largely a figment of my imagination, but it was great while it lasted, which I estimate was until the end of Obama’s speech to the joint session of Congress earlier this month.

Aw, summer! Our memory of you brings visions of long, lazy days in the country, relaxing on a porch with older relatives and sipping on powdered lemonade mix as they recounted the days of their youth when life seemed simpler. Or it conjures up other memories of camping in the great outdoors with mom and dad while the kids frolicked in the woods, discovering the wonders of Mother Nature. Okay, so the old folks would gloss over the hardships of national traumas like the Great Depression and World War II, and your nature expedition could have ended badly with you suffering the withdrawal effects from the steroids which passed for acceptable medical treatment of poison ivy in the 1970s, but hey it was summer, and you were determined to have fun even if it killed you.

Personally, I am more than happy to see the summer of 2011 leave. I lost my oldest friend this summer, and I’m left with the feeling of lost opportunities which my friend never realized in his lifetime and the opportunities I missed in devoting more time to our friendship. So, I can only dwell on such thoughts only momentarily before they consume my entire day, shrug my shoulders, and console myself with the philosophy that this was the way life was meant to be (to paraphrase an old ELO song) and move on. Farewell, Nick.

On the brighter side, my tomato crop this year was an utter failure. I tried a new variety of tomato this season and the results were disappointing. In past years, I would harvest well over 100 tomatoes; this year I’ve had twenty, with maybe a dozen more still on the already withered vines. They grew to a certain size – a little larger than a pea — stopped growing and refused to ripen.

I suppose I should consider a number of other factors that affected them. There were the previous hot spells, which would have been nice if there had been an occasional rainstorm, but no such luck this growing season. All the rain came at the end of the season, resulting in a nice crop of mushrooms in my backyard. It pains me to admit that my mushrooms did better than my tomatoes this year.

All this was Mother Nature’s way of falling down laughing at my puny farming efforts. The backyard wildlife was another factor. My tomato plants were tortured by deer nibbling on the tops and one too-fat groundhog stealing the low hanging fruit from below. I must also consider that perhaps my remedy of spreading used cat litter at the plant base to discourage the groundhog may have backfired. Next year will be different, I vow somewhat unconvincingly...

The first day of fall this year will have uncharacteristic weather for the season: more rain. The forecast predicts that 1-3 inches of rain will fall today, with a 1-in-3200-percent chance of falling NASA satellite. Yes, another of our interplanetary vehicles is due to fall back to Earth today, a six ton school bus size chunk of scientific technology which will break apart into harmless bits of three ton or so pieces as it plummets out of orbit. So, if we hear the soft tick-ticking of hail on our roofs today, we might want to consider that it isn’t hail we are hearing. I can only hope that the combination of rainfall and satellite debris will destroy my mushroom crop, but this might be wishful thinking.

The new season will bring with it the promise of a baseball post-season to Philadelphia. Now this is something to look forward to! This week has not been good for our Phillies, who are enduring a season high six game losing streak as they go into a weekend series with the Mets. The team is noticeably tired, not having a day off this month since before a combination of hurricanes and tropical storms battered the Northeast, and Presidential calls for bipartisanship were heard in the halls of Congress. Admittedly, these events have nothing to do with our baseball woes, but it has been that long since the Fightin's have had a day of rest. I hope they get to rest at least one day before their post season begins.

And so, considering all this, we bid a not-so-fond farewell to a kidney-stone of a season. Adios, summer! Don’t let the autumnal equinox hit you in the ass on your way out!

(Thank you for reading! Summer, are you still here?)

Snort Notes – September 2011

2011-09-20T07:36:00.002-04:00

PHILLIES WIN FIFTH STRAIGHT EASTERN DIVISION TITLE

With their win over the STL Cardinals on Saturday, the PHL Phillies clinched their fifth straight eastern division National League title, ensuring that they will move into the postseason. The fans celebrated with a fireworks display and the team celebrated by popping multiple cases of bubbly champagne at Citizens Bank Park. Sunday night the team was shut out, and they lost Monday's game as well.

Yep, that’s our Phillies!

So Little Leaguers, let this be a lesson to you! Lay off the sauce after you win a big victory, otherwise you’ll be worthless for the next game. Grape juice is okay, but non-alcoholic cider is verboten!

Second note to the Phillies: the fans have noticed that your hitting hasn’t been as consistent as it should be. Okay, you’ve won the right to play the postseason, but it pains us to remind you that the regular season isn’t over yet. There’s still a matter of a dozen or so games yet to be played. I’d like to see you win at least two more to get a 100 win season. Two more wins beyond that and you’ll beat the franchise record of 101 wins set in 1976 and 1977. (Thank you, Wikipedia!)

PUMPKIN IS FOUND GROWING ON A PEAR TREE IN IOWA

This week’s Internet sensation is the photo of a pumpkin growing on a pear tree. I’m not surprised, being it’s Iowa. However, it does make me question more than ever their right to proclaim the next biggest star of the Republican Party once every four years in the Iowa straw poll.

Let’s face it! Why should we trust them to tell the Republican faithful for whom they should vote (although this is a dilemma that I don’t have to worry about) when they can’t even grow their fruit correctly? I’d expect this type of thing to happen in La-La Land, but upright, midwestern Iowa? I could better believe it if I was still inhaling the second hand smoke from those funny cigarettes my fellow Alpha Psi members smoked when we were in college, but I haven’t been near those cigarettes in decades. (Okay, Janey, insert your comment here...)

Of course, there is a logical, non drug-induced, agriculturally-viable explanation for the pumpkin in the pear tree. The pumpkin vine has simply grown up the trunk of the tree and followed a branch to its terminus where it is now sprouting its fruit. This is not surprising for a pumpkin plant. Hell, these things are so easy to grow. All you have to do is discard your used, moldy jack-o’lantern in a compost pile after Halloween, and the next year you have a pumpkin patch.

Pumpkins sprout as easily as fear-mongering politicians in an ideological vacuum. While we’re on the subject of Republicans...

OBAMA ANNOUNCES AMBITIOUS JOB CREATION/DEFICIT REDUCTION PLAN

President Obama announced more of his plan to reduce the deficit through spending cuts to Medicare, and raising taxes on those making over $250,000 per year. So far, the President’s announcement has caused the usual excitement among the nation’s pundits, but of course the biggest sounds are coming from Congressional Republicans, who are acting all pissed off at the President’s plans.

I’m already onboard with Obama’s proposal, particularly since it has ticked off the GOP, and any day that the GOP is ticked off is a good day indeed. They have actually renewed their “class warfare” accusations against Obama. When will the Republican Party admit that they’re the ones that have been waging warfare against middle class America for years?

Obama believes that a mixture of spending cuts and revenue increases (by raising you know what) is simple math and not class warfare. Spending cuts only go so far. Eventually more revenue will have to be raised to meet our obligations. Please don’t take my word for it. Just ask any of the 9.1% of Americans who have not seen any revenue in their lives in months! They can tell you that spending cuts alone won’t alleviate the debt.

Better yet GOP, don’t ask them! Just keep pursuing the failed economic theories that postulate that the super rich should be able to keep their money so they can be the wonderful job creators you love to defend. Only the jobs aren’t being created, or haven’t you noticed that? Again, refer to the 9.1% of unemployed Americans. They’ll set you straight, real fast.

THE AMERICAN MILITARY POLICY OF “DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL” ENDS

The self-defeating policy, which disenfranchised thousands of military personnel who happen to be gay, finally came to an end at midnight last night. Now, homosexual men and women can serve their country openly without fear of dishonorable discharge. While it was in place, the DADT policy penalized many talented soldiers and sailors who could have proven very useful in the on-going war against terrorism. This narrow-minded way of thinking only hurt all of us as a society in the long run.

Of course, there are those who will decry this progressive turn of events as undermining American society and contributing to the moral decay of our nation. The end of DADT will tick these people off no end. As I said before: it’s a good day.

(Thank you for reading. Pumpkin pear pie anyone?)

Thank You, Tea Party

2011-09-17T09:34:00.002-04:00

Dear Tea Party,

How do I ridicule thee? Let me count the adjectives!

Thou art belligerent. No, too strong! Thou art very angry. No, too subtle! Thou art hostile! Perfect!

Thou art strong-willed. No, too positive for this left-leaning blog. Thou art uncompromising! Oh, duh! Thou art as stubborn as a jackass! Perfect!

Now let’s add another adjective: blood-thirsty!

We come to this latest adjective due to the audience reaction at the Tea Party sponsored debate featuring the announced candidates for the Republican nomination for President. Moderator Wolf Blitzer posed a hypothetical situation to libertarian leaning candidate Rand Paul about an otherwise healthy young man who foregoes the cost of a health insurance policy, but ends up comatose in a hospital. Blitzer asked who should pay for his care.

Paul dug back into his own experiences and recounted a time when churches and the community would step forward and help out, instead of allowing the young man to depend on the government for his care. Blitzer followed up with a blunt question, “Should we let him die?” While Paul continued this answer, members of the audience responded with shouts of “Yeah” and applause.

The audience's shameful reaction shocked many. It was repulsive — oh, there’s another wonderful adjective for this political cult — and (dare I say) most unchristian-like. The whole episode points to the classic conflict between the economy, with its attendant costs of accomplishing results such as good health, and good old-fashioned Christian charity.

So, in this hypothetical case of this young man, we should let churches step forward and see to his needs. Okay, fine, I can see this working to a point. Volunteers could help with the man’s custodial needs, but how many church-goers will be able to keep putting money in the collection plate for other expenses like, say, medication. The pleas from the pulpit for more contributions could get old real fast, particularly now, when many in the congregation may themselves be unemployed and without health insurance. An apple pie and a ham dinner are nice (sorry for resorting to the old stereotyping of Christian churches, but I am trying to make a point), but these acts of charity won’t revive a comatose patient.

We live in a society which has developed the best medicine in the world! How can we not take advantage of this level of medical care, which incidentally was developed over many years of financial investment and blood, sweat and tears? How could members of a community hope to afford the care our critically-ill example needs to recover? Would these people seriously expect pharmaceutical companies to forgo a return on their investments and write off the cost of their product to help one patient? How could they expect hospitals to stay in business if the facilities granted deep discounts to uninsured patients?

Never mind the uninsured, what about the insured who need treatments which their policies won’t cover? Could the good churches pass the plate around again for an expensive medication that is too new and experimental for the health insurer’s tastes? The congregation's motives would be admirable, but many times it would not be practical.

Basically, the principles of good Christian charity fly in the face of one of capitalism’s darker aspects of Darwinism. This idea would dictate that only the strong survive in a pure capitalist society. The captains of industry would look upon our patient with sympathy, exclaim “Oh, well! That’s too bad!” with a shrug and move on. This is obviously the view of the Tea Party audience members who, I thought, were faithful Christians. Go figure!

We could agree that good Christianity can be bad capitalism, and leave it at that. There have been efforts over the years at compromise and make both systems work together. The Reagan era edict that emergency rooms cannot turn away patients who are uninsured may be good Christianity, but it has placed a financial burden on our medical institutions. The hospitals have survived by spreading the cost of uninsured services to other patients — like you and me.

More recently, Obamacare has sought to spread the cost of health care out more evenly to everyone through its individual mandate and tax penalty for those who don’t buy health insurance. By the way, has anyone noticed that the proposed tax penalties would cost less than a good health insurance policy? Price some policies and see for yourself. In this respect, the tax penalty may backfire on Obamacare supporters.

I won’t pretend that health insurance is a bargain these days. I also won’t pretend that today’s health insurance policies are a godsend; presently many of them are far from perfect and don’t meet the needs of their customers. The industry trend toward consumer driven high deductibles make the policies nearly useless for day-to-day health care needs. Consumers should adjust their thinking about health insurance and look upon it like they would an auto insurance or homeowners policy. People don’t need it day after day, but when an accident or catastrophe strikes, they’ll be glad that they invested in the policy.

So Tea Party, drink all this in as you ponder the wretched conduct of your members at this week’s debate. Those that applauded are an embarrassment to whatever Christian principles to which your movement clings. Of course, your public chagrin is a major win for my satirical musings. So, thank you, Tea Party, for your very biased, narrow-minded attitudes. They may ultimately prove to be bad politics, but it’s great blogging material!

(Thank you for reading. Could someone offer an unsweetened ice tea to our comatose patient? It’s the least we can do.)

Vacation and Remembrance

2011-09-13T20:31:00.002-04:00

I can sum up my just concluded vacation in Cooperstown, NY with the words, “Too much rain, too much food, and not enough alcohol.” Overall, it was a nice relaxing time, but it’s good to be home again. I read two novels in the space of a week, and we did accomplish our main goals of beer and wine shopping. Still, the whole week was literally dampened by a tropical storm that had all the moisture, but necessarily the punch of a full-fledged hurricane.

We should have realized what our week would be like when Anne Marie and I drove through a torrential thunderstorm — complete with hail — in Binghamton on our first day. The next two days were cloudy with nothing falling from the sky. Then another round of intense rain on Wednesday wiped out activities for the rest of the week.

Once again we were denied the chance to ride the Glimmerglass boat on Otsego Lake. The Baseball Hall of Fame even shut down for an entire day because their employees couldn’t drive into work. The entire county was under a state of emergency, which limited travel to essential purposes only.

The weather was not kind to us or the region. I woke up one morning to find that our carpet was soaked at the back of our room. The management of the Lake Front Hotel dutifully moved us to a second floor suite and didn’t charge us for the upgrade for our last full day in Cooperstown. Further down the Susquehanna River — which has its origin a block from the hotel — the swollen channel raised havoc in places like Binghamton, Wilkes-Barre, Bloomsburg and Harrisburg.

Otherwise, we had a grand time stuffing our faces and indulging our appetite for wine and fine liquors. We marked Anne Marie’s 57th birthday with a fine meal of scallop bisque, broiled bluefish, and steak at the Doubleday Café. Most of our other meals were taken at the Lake Front Hotel Restaurant, where one night I satisfied my craving for peel n eat shrimp. Anne Marie had two raspberry cosmos; she deemed them VERY drinkworthy.

Our return travel plans got complicated due to Wednesday’s precipitation. We postponed our return by one day since the highways around Binghamton were flooded over, and we heard rumors of various closures along the New York State Thruway to the east. We didn’t like the idea of adding two hours to our normal six-hour trip by way of Albany, but that’s precisely what we had to do when we came home on Friday. That drive was longer, but not as bad since most of the flood waters from the previous day had receded enough to make the roads we took passable.

Naturally, the weekend that followed was dry. Just our luck! Although the dry spell was welcome news to the otherwise somber events marking the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, it came too late for our vacation.

Yet it was poetic that nice weather allowed the various memorial sites in New York City and Shanksville, PA to be dedicated. It was a good day to reflect on the sacrifices of those we lost and to renew our vows that these events should never happen again. It was, to paraphrase an old Ronald Reagan campaign slogan, “Morning in America.”

I didn’t spend much time in front of the television on 9/11. The story was all too familiar with me. So, as the History Channel trotted out every foot of documentary film they could find, and as speeches were made and prayers were whispered, I went about my business of a harried Sunday on the day before I returned to work. My car needed to be inspected and groceries needed to be purchased. In short, I was able to continue my daily routine as a free American because of the sacrifices made by other Americans that day. For that I am grateful, and my thoughts about their efforts were never far from my mind.

The events of 9/11 should remind all of us how important the virtue of tolerance is in our daily lives. It was intolerance for our freedoms which brought the attacks on our soil in the first place. It was a long — and I’m talking centuries-long — intolerance of other people’s religious beliefs which fueled the hatred within our enemies.

So the 9/11 celebrations should by all rights be the perfect time for everyone to reflect on their own prejudices and figure out ways to overcome them. Good luck with that! Already the Tea Party-influenced dysfunction of our federal government gears up again even in the wake of Obama’s call for bipartisan cooperation to create more jobs. House leaders are allowing funding for disaster relief to go through, but now Republicans in the Senate are blocking the same disaster relief until it’s paid for through spending cuts.

Same old same old, just a different day. Ah, yes, it’s good to be home again.

(Thank you for reading. Stay dry, everyone!)

Meanwhile, At the National Board of Bloggers...

2011-09-02T18:11:00.002-04:00

Counselor: Good morning, Anne Marie. I’m Charles Titsmore III, and I’ve been assigned by the National Board to review your vacation request.

Anne Marie: How do you do, Mr. Titsmore. (snorts)

Counselor: What? What’s so funny?

AM: Oh, nothing! You were saying?

Counselor: I see you have applied for some time off from the arteejee blog.

AM: Yes, just one week.

Counselor: And arteejee is your blog?

AM: Actually, it’s written by my husband, Todd. I serve as the editor-in-chief.

Counselor: And where is Todd now?

AM: He’s waiting outside. You can see him through your window.

Counselor: Oh, yes...um, does he have to press his nose against my window?

AM: No, and I’ve told him about that before. (shouting) Get down, Todd, down. Sorry!

Counselor: No problem. So, where are you going on your vacation?

AM: I’m going to Cooperstown, NY.

Counselor: That sounds nice! Todd should enjoy that.

AM: Todd? Oh, I wasn’t planning on taking him with me.

Counselor: Ah! Actually, that’s why we called you in. The Board believes that Todd should also take a week off.

AM: Really?

Counselor: Yes, we’ve reviewed his most recent entries, and in our snotty-faced opinion, he’s been getting stale of late.

AM: Stale? Oh come on, let’s be fair. In the past week alone, we’ve had an earthquake and a hurricane. Also, it’s been at least 12 hours since Michele Bachmann has said anything awe-suckingly stupid. There’s no material about which to write!

Counselor: Well, I can see your point about Michele Bachmann. She is overdue to make a gaffe; but nevertheless, Todd should...he should... What’s that noise at my door?

AM: Oh, sorry! That’s him scratching. (shouting) I’ll be out in a moment, dear!

Counselor: Anyway, he does need some time off.

AM: Why? I can leave him home alone. My cats can look after him.

Counselor: He needs to get away. Just look at the quality of his writing. Here’s something he submitted last week. “Why did Handel refuse to loan Bach money? Answer: Because he was baroque.” I don’t get it!

AM: It’s not meant for you to get, but any musicologists reading this right now are falling over laughing!

Counselor: Really?

AM: Okay, maybe not. Look, I need some down time away from him. I’m looking forward to a nice, leisurely drive north. Just me and my Zooey Deschanel CDs. If I take him along, I’ll have to listen to crap like ELO, or...or ABBA! Argghhh!

Counselor: Nevertheless, we must consider his mental condition.

AM: What’s wrong with his mental condition?

Counselor: Well, just look outside and watch him. Ever since you got here, he’s been trying to convince the board that he believes he’s a dog.

AM: Okay, so what?

Counselor: So what? Can’t you see it’s a cry for help? He needs a change of scenery. We can understand him walking around our parking lot and marking all of our cars with his urine. That’s a nice touch, but frankly the dog collar and leash are over the top. I can only approve this vacation request if you promise to take him with you.

AM: Alright, I’ll take him with me to Cooperstown...but I refuse to listen to ABBA!

Counselor: Thank you! Now I’ll just go down the hall to have your request signed off and...oh, look what he is doing now.

AM: What? Oh, I’m so sorry.

Counselor: Before you leave, Anne Marie, please curb your husband.

(Thank you for reading. This is where I leave a snarky comment, but it’s time for my walk.)

Snort Notes – August 2011

2011-08-30T06:14:00.002-04:00

RAID OF MOAMMAR GHADAFI’S COMPOUND YIELDS SURPRISING PHOTO ALBUM/SCRAPBOOK DEVOTED TO GEORGE W. BUSH SECRETARY OF STATE CONDOLEEZZA RICE

Yes, it appears that one of our most despised enemies in recent decades had a “thing” for Condi! This was not a good week for Condi. First this news breaks, and then Bush Vice President Dick Cheney slams her in his just published, hotly-quoted memoir.

Now that we know this, a few other things make sense. Like all of those mysterious phone calls to Condi’s residence in the middle of the night, where the caller would hang up just as Condi picked up the receiver, traced back to you-know-who’s palace in North Africa. Or Ghadafi’s interview with Al-Jazeera when he went into orgasms chanting “Leeza, Leeza, Leeza”. Or why Ghadafi suddenly tossed all of his Moms Mabley memorabilia nine years ago.

Suddenly, all these events make sense now.

Okay, two reactions to this bit of news:

One: “Ewwww, gross!”

And two: “Back off Moammar! I saw her first!”

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s put this in perspective. What if, and I’m just saying, what if historical evidence is found that Eva Braun came across a stash of Der Fuhrer’s unmailed love letters to, say, Eleanor Roosevelt.

Again, two reactions:

One: “Ewwww, gross!”

And two: “Ewwwwwwwwwwwww! Grossssssss!”

Meanwhile...in another part of Libya...

CONVICTED LOCKERBIE BOMBER, ABDEL BASSET AL-MEGRAHI, IS REPORTED NEAR DEATH

As Ghadafi’s reign disintegrated, a few American congressmen raised the idea that here was a chance to get the Lockerbie bomber back into a Scottish jail. Pardoned by Scotland on humanitarian grounds because he was (allegedly) only a few months away from dying of cancer, the bomber was given a hero’s welcome in Libya. That happened in 2009. Only problem was that Megrahi reneged on his part of the deal; he didn’t die.

Now, within the last few days, CNN has conveniently broadcast footage showing Megrahi dying at his mother’s home. He is depicted as comatose, near death, and having gone without medication for several days because rebels have looted the nearby pharmacy. With this footage coming to light, the calls to have him returned to Scotland have subsided. Scotland doesn’t want him and the Libyan rebels won’t give him up. Many believe that whether he dies in Libya or in jail is a moot point, so he might as well die at home surrounded by his loved ones.

My only problem with all this: now that the international media has gotten hold of this story, how far will they run with it? If Megrahi doesn’t go to be with his 72 virgins soon, he may become the subject of daily, beat-into-the-head saturation of daily medical bulletins. That’s all we need: Megrahi to drag this out like that drama queen Francisco Franco did in 1977!

The very thought of this makes me long for a replay of the O.J. Simpson trial, and we all remember what a kidney stone of a media event that was!

THE MUCH HYPED HURRICANE IRENE TERRORIZES NORTHEAST RESIDENTS WITH HEAVY RAIN AND CATEGORY ONE WINDS

As the Weavers sang many years ago, “Good night, Irene! Good night, Irene!” (You effin bitch whore! – characterization mine.) I’ll see you in my dreams! (NOT!)

CHEESESTEAK KING JOEY VENTO SUFFERS FATAL HEART ATTACK

Vento, long a symbol of the typical Alger Hiss rags to riches American success story, became the guy liberals loved to hate a few years ago with his posted insistence that his cheesesteak customers order in English. He could have stated that his policy was a desire to increase ordering efficiency, but somehow his explanation made him look like a racist. A city investigation later found that he was within his First Amendment rights to post the “speak English only” directive, and he became a hero to the Tea Party. This just pissed off liberals even more.

Then, in the months since the controversy died down, the local media highlighted Vento’s contributions to the community. He supplied a local church with food to feed the homeless. He held benefits for local police charities. Vento once contributed money to one of Elton John’s AIDS benefit concerts. The list of his charitable contributions probably goes on longer than people wrapping around his shop at noon time.

So in judging Joey Vento with a scale that gives more weight to actions over words, then perhaps the liberal community was too harsh on this son of South Philadelphia. After all, we’ve all said things we later regretted, and we don’t think it’s fair to let the rest of our lives be tainted by those words. How can we hold Joey Vento accountable to a higher standard? He was nothing more than a product of the society in which he grew up.

Rest in Peace, Mr. Vento.

(Thank you for reading! Adolf and Eleanor sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Ewwwww!)

The Great Earthquake of 2011

2011-08-26T07:40:00.002-04:00

Everyone should know by now that my area of the world had an earthquake this week. The devastation that the 5.8 tremor left in its wake was nearly minimal. The loss of life defies description because nobody died! Okay, maybe there were a few broken fingernails, but that’s it!

I was at work, reviewing a few cases when the great event happened. My first feeling that something was amiss was the floor shaking – almost like a wave rolling under my feet. I stood up and looked around, only to see all of my co-workers standing up and peering over the top of the cube walls that were vibrating slightly. Everyone had a look of puzzlement on their faces as if we were silently asking each other, “Are you feeling what I’m feeling?” I stated out loud, rather matter-of-factly, “Must be an earthquake.”

A few more seconds passed and I perceived that the floor had stopped moving. Our 15 (some estimates ran as high as 18) seconds of sheer...bemusement was over! Bravely, boldly, I SAT DOWN at my desk and RESUMED MY WORK! My other workers conversed for a few more minutes and we all went back to our duties, even though a good portion of our job could not be accomplished for the next hour or so because the outside phone circuits were jammed.

Then, it happened! Absolutely nothing! Nothing at all for the rest of the workday! Our office handled the event with excited serenity and an anxious calm. We did not evacuate our building. By the end of the day, our office was back to normal with the average, everyday buzz of phones ringing and clicking-clacking of computer keys.

Meanwhile, in Center City Philadelphia...pandemonium reigned!

Office workers were told to evacuate their buildings and thousands dutifully did what they were told and poured into the streets. There, they resisted the temptation to run around in circles with hands above their heads and screaming hysterically. They stood around, talked, comforted each other, and pondered calling it a day in the early afternoon. Many did go home, believing that a mild earth tremor constitutes grounds for paid time off.

Since the great event, the experts have weighed in on what to do and not to do in the event of an earthquake. Yes, that’s all we need to make the day complete: thousands terrorized by the ground turning to mild jello and a bunch of Monday morning quarterbacks giving us lessons in tectonic plate shift etiquette! Don’t run into the street, they say; crawl underneath your desk so that you don’t get hit by falling debris. This is fine advice unless the shocks are so severe that the floor collapses beneath your cowering, kneeling mass of protoplasm.

There is some common sense in telling people not to run into the street. For one thing, you could be injured by debris falling off very tall buildings. Second, you could be seriously injured by people — who were obviously faster than you in getting out of their offices and into their cars — running you over as they escape the shock waves that would barely make an ant break into a sweat!

A total analysis of the event must at some point involve raw data. We all know that the quake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. Another measure was 9.5 on the sarcasm scale expressed by the late night satirists and snarky morning paper journalists writing about our panic reaction. California could have recorded a large number — 9.9 — if every Californian had fallen over in hysterics laughing at the reaction to the quake by wussified effete easterners. Fortunately, the residents of the Golden State took the high road. I’ve heard no reaction from them, although who could blame them if they offered a smug smile and a “Been there, done that!”

On a personal level I was mildly concerned by what I would find when I got home. Would shelves have fallen off the walls? Would a cabinet or two topple over? Would our Fiestaware dishes spill off the iron rack on my kitchen table and shatter? Would a water pipe burst in our basement and gush thousands of gallons of water on our crappy linoleum floor? Oh, and what about Steven and Meredith? What would my cats think of this?

Thus my thoughts as I drove into our driveway and saw nothing wrong. I entered and did a quick inspection from bottom to top of the entire house. Nothing was out of place; everything set and unbroken in its place. No pipe or wall damage at all. As for the cats: Steven met me at the door as usual. I had to call out for Meredith, and found her standing at the top of the stairs with a spooked look on her face. I assured her it was safe to come downstairs, and she came down slowly...eventually.

Now also, the usual religious zealot community is weighing in with their pronouncements on why the quake happened. So far, a rabbi has made the conclusion that the seismic event occurred because the country is slowly adopting a growing tolerance for gay marriage. The Westboro Baptist Church crowd and Pat Robertson haven’t opened their yaps yet, but I’m sure they’ll do so about the time that our next natural disaster — Hurricane Irene — hits the east coast before the end of the weekend.

(Actually, I spoke too soon. Even before I finished this paragraph, Robertson had issued a statement comparing the cracks in the Washington Monument caused by the quake to our national leadership. Typical!)

To this, I say coppy-pock! (No relation to poppy-cock.) If we consider that anything is possible, then perhaps we should consider the idea that the earth tremors happened for the opposite reason. The quake may actually be a sign from another larger than all-of-us force that is angry that gay marriage hasn’t gone nationwide yet. This could be the work of...Liberace!

Go ahead and fall down laughing, Californians! Go ahead and fear the wrath of God, Westboro Baptists! Just don’t underestimate the glory and power of Liberace!

(Thank you for reading. Everyone can come out now. Liberace has left the building.)

I Am a Job Creator

2011-08-23T06:57:00.002-04:00

I know I’ve talked about my parents political proclivities in the past, but to understand where I’m coming from, a quick recap is in order. My mom has been a lifelong Democrat. My father was, until the last few years of his life, a lifelong Republican.

Mom explained to me one time that she sided with the Democrats because they usually looked out for the little guy, the average joe, society’s worker bees. I never did figure out what the hell Dad’s problem was. He would never discuss how he voted and politics was never discussed at the dinner table. Still, he kept a roof over our heads, fed and clothed us, but most importantly brought pizza home when he worked late on a Friday night. Dad was all right, except for the Republican thing, but hey, nobody’s perfect.

I’ll be the first to admit that many of my blog entries have been highly critical of the GOP. I know I’ve made many disparaging remarks about their ruthless, blasé attitude towards the disadvantaged in society. Unbeknownst to many people, I would make these comments with tongue in cheek and a knowing wink of the eye due to a perhaps extremely naïve belief that surely no one group of people can be so callous to another group of people.

Now I know the truth: Mother was right!

Case in point: there’s a current debate in Washington about the payroll tax. As you may recall from a previous episode of Federal Government Follies, a deal was cut last December to decrease the payroll tax contribution of many American workers from 6.5% to 4.5%. You may recall at the time that the Bush tax cuts were set to expire, and the Republicans were crying that those cuts shouldn’t expire because it would hurt the “job creators” (whoever the hell they are). So Obama, ever the centrist, conceded the point on the very rich, and allowed the middle class to enjoy a brief tax holiday.

Now this tax cut is due to expire at the end of this year (I did say “brief” tax holiday). As can be predicted, one side wants to let it expire, while the other side would like to renew it for hard-working Americans everywhere. Take a wild guess as to who is who.

Okay, everyone close your books and put your pencils down! The Democratic President – that champion of cutting deficits by advocating higher taxes for those who can afford it — wants to let the middle-class have their tax cut live on past the end of the year. The Republicans in Congress want — to paraphrase Jim Nabors, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE — want to stick it to the middle class while their very wealthy buds enjoy the lowest tax rates in this country’s history.

I don’t mind paying taxes, since many times they are used to fund many programs and ideas that are for the common good. And I really don’t mind paying taxes as long as everyone - and I mean everyone (are you listening, General Electric?) — pays their fair share. I’m not convinced that the super wealthy in this country are paying what they should be paying.

Don’t take my word for it, but consider the recent griping from one of their own — Warren Buffett. He has made it known that he believes that he and his neighbors in the upper tax brackets are not paying their fair share, and he’s been willing to whip out his checkbook to prove it. God Bless Warren Buffett!

My attitude towards this debate is I’m fine with a rise in my payroll tax, but it has to come with a comparable rise in the tax rates for the super rich. Otherwise, I will use the argument that they’ve used against the Democrats all year. You can’t tax me: I’m a job creator!

Since I’ve gone back to work, I’ve become more sensitive to my place in the capitalist hierarchy. In other words, I have done my best to spend a bit more each pay period than I have in the pay periods for the last ten years. It’s a habit that was a holdover from my six month unemployment stint, when I would meet my monthly obligations, but I wouldn’t hold the rest back for a rainy day.

After all, I was unemployed; as far as I was concerned, the rainy days were already here! I would go forth and stimulate the economy. And the economy liked it, but it proved to be an insatiable bitch, and always begged for more.

So today, I treat myself to breakfast at a local diner at least once a week. Friday nights, I’m in the mood for spending a little more money on a cheesesteak or a pizza on the way home from work (Gee, I wonder where that habit came from? Thanks, Dad!)

Okay, it might be only $10-$15, but if everyone could spend that amount every week, it might go a long way to keeping a business open, which keeps people employed, who in turn go and spend the money they earn at other businesses, which keeps them going, which...and so on!

I order goods more frequently on line than I ever have. Bed sheets from Haband, books and DVDs from Amazon, sauces and condiments from Fly Creek Cider Mill! I’m a spending fool!

So go ahead, raise my taxes! Then maybe I won’t be so generous in spreading my wealth (what little I have) around. I won’t eat breakfast out, and I’ll cut way back on my Internet spending. I’ll turn my back on the economy and leave it whimpering in my wake!

I swear I’ll do this if you raise my taxes, Republicans! Go ahead, play your hypercritical job creator card and see how the middle class reacts. You won’t jump start this economy on the bent over backs of the American worker, and you certainly can’t expect Warren Buffett to support the whole country either. Tax everyone fairly or not at all.

(Thank you for reading. Now go forth and order something...preferably something with pepperoni on top!)

Gaffe Parade

2011-08-19T07:22:00.002-04:00

Newly anointed presidential front runner Michele Bachmann has probably had better weeks in her life. Oh, it started off nicely last weekend when she won the Iowa Straw Poll, and everyone knows what an accurate barometer of America’s voting attitude that is...NOT! Then it happened! A new week dawned with new chances to prove herself worthy to the American electorate...again, NOT!

Dogged by a few missteps early in the week brought renewed focus on her lack of knowledge on...well, you name the subject, and she managed to screw it up! During a busy weekend of political events, Bachmann was late for one of the events, and then challenged by reporters as to why she was late. Well, she explained, she had a lot of ground to cover in Iowa — a political fund raising dinner here, a speech there, and, oh yes, a big family reunion in Waterloo. Well, that’s okay! After all, the leading candidate in the party of traditional family values should be allowed the chance to see the folks back home when she just happens to be in the same time zone.

Unfortunately, Michele was a no-show at the gathering of the Bachmann clan. And who revealed this tidbit of information? CNN? MSNBC? My Weekly Reader? No, it was no less than Michele’s own mother that called Michele out on her fib!

Way to go, ma!

Then there was the rally in South Carolina where Michele made a grand entrance to the strains of Elvis Presley’s Promised Land. Of course, she must have got caught up in the moment and giddy with excitement. That might explain why she whipped the crowd into a frenzy to wish Elvis Presley a Happy Birthday...on a day that’s nearly equidistant on the calendar from his actual birth date in January. That was a minor point, because she wished the King of Rock and Roll a happy birthday on the 34th anniversary of Presley’s...DEATH!

Does anyone vet this woman before she opens her yap? Does she have any handlers at all?

Poor Michele! The Libra in me feels sorry for her, while the liberal in me is laughing its ass off! Seriously, I do feel for Michele, as opposed to feeling Michele, but being a married man I won’t go there.

Just to show that I’m not a total liberal jerk enjoying a moment of her public embarrassment, I’ll offer to help her out. The week, for all intents and purposes, is nearly over. Michele has one more chance to make up for all the parade of gaffes this week. So I will make a suggestion that she can choose to use or not that might help repair her image.

I will just mention the fact that during the very same week in 1977 - in which we lost Elvis Presley - another great icon of American pop culture passed on. This icon was a dark, brooding genius of another generation who attacked the pomposities of society with a sharp razor-like wit. In many ways, this man set the standard for comics who came of age in the 60s and 70s.

So it is only fitting that Bachmann honor this man at an event today. She could enter the event as the tune Hooray for Captain Spaulding fills the air, a stuffed duck with a cigar sticking out of its bill under her arms. Then, donning a fake mustache, bushy eyebrows and glasses, she could shout out, “Hey everybody, let's wish Happy Birthday to Groucho Marx!”

No need to thank me for this suggestion, Michele. I’m just doing my duty as a patriotic, fair and balanced liberal blogger...NOT!

(Thank you for reading. “Hello, I must be going...”)

Iowa Results Are In!

2011-08-16T08:40:00.002-04:00

All media attention last weekend was on the overblown fundraiser for the Iowa State Republican Committee, otherwise known as the Iowa Straw Poll. In recent years, the straw poll has become — in the minds of some — this great event that portends the future of the Republican Party in the presidential election every four years. The media oblige and devote a great amount of time to what has become a combination state fair/carnival/political free-for-all.

Granted, the state of Iowa does get some benefits on its own from the event. It undoubtedly brings more business to the state, if only for a week. It also gives the state a chance to be more than an agricultural center that feeds the rest of us and lives down its unfortunate claim to fame as someplace where rock and roll legends come to crash their airplanes. More about that later, but my point is that we at Arteejee felt left out of the proceedings.

Thus we present the results of the first (and probably last and only) Arteejee Iowa Straw Poll! The voting constituency for this poll comprised me and my wife, Anne Marie. Our cat kids Steven and Meredith, who couldn’t be bothered with the complexities of national politics, sneered and abstained — courteously!

Our decisions were based on admittedly incomplete media coverage of the event. Thus this poll is totally unscientific and the results should not be construed as an endorsement of any candidate for next year’s election. Indeed, as of now, we intend to vote Democrat.

BEST FOOD SERVED AT THE IOWA STRAW POLL – Ron Paul

His barbecue easily won over Michele Bachmann’s corn dogs (Really, Michele! Corn dogs? In Iowa? What were you thinking?) and Rick Santorum’s home-made peach jam.

BEST ENTERTAINMENT AT THE IOWA STRAW POLL – Michele Bachmann

Bachmann’s campaign featured Randy Travis at her tent, which we believe was better than Santorum employing The Crickets (as in Buddy Holly and the...) and bagpipers. Oh yeah, I can just imagine that the Crickets have always held fond memories of playing Iowa ever since The Day the Music Died (see not very subtle rock and roll legends remark above). In this light, the bagpipers presence offered an interesting counterpoint to the otherwise festive politicking.

BEST SHOWING FOR A CANDIDATE NOT EVEN ENTERED ON THE BALLOT – Rick Perry

Watch out, Michele! This guy is hot!

WORST SHOWING FOR A CANDIDATE ON THE BALLOT – Tim Pawlenty

Okay, Mitt Romney did worse, but at least Pawlenty saw the writing on the big tent wall, and bowed out while Perry announced his candidacy at the same time the poll was being conducted.

VOTED LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED IN 2012 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION – Tim Pawlenty

VOTED BIGGEST WUSS/SORE LOSER – Tim Pawlenty

VOTED TOO STUBBORN TO REALIZE IT’S TIME TO PACK UP THEIR BIG TENT AND GO HOME – A four way tie between Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Herman Cain, and Jon Huntsmann

Congratulations, gentlemen. Now pick up your John McCain Commemorative I-Did-Lousy-at-the-Iowa-Straw-Poll t-shirts and get the hell out of here!

VOTED MOST DESERVING TO GET CAUGHT IN A GAY SEX SCANDAL – Rick Santorum

Granted this has nothing to do with the Iowa Straw Poll, but it did come up in our voter’s discussions about the candidates and how we would like to see some of their campaigns end. This one was the most noteworthy, so I included it here.

VOTED WORST COVER VERSION OF “BAD BAD LEROY BROWN” – Frank Sinatra

Okay, again this is totally off subject, but I’ve been dying to work it in to one of my blog entries for months.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A PROFESSIONAL POLITICAL COCK TEASE – Sarah Palin

Do you believe she had the cojones to come to the straw poll and upstage everyone with her demure “Oh, I don’t know if I’m running yet. Maybe I’ll announce next month...”? If she keeps this up much longer, the Republican Party establishment will get very frustrated with feelings of repression – political and sexual. And we all know what happened the last time a sexually repressed Republican Party went to the polls. That’s right, Richard Nixon...elected president!

A word to the wise should be sufficient!

(Thank you for reading. Corn dogs! She had the nerve to serve corn dogs! I mean, aren’t they so plentiful in Iowa that they’re, like, lying all over the streets?)

Iowa Beware!

2011-08-12T20:28:00.002-04:00

See, there is a downside to being one of the first states to have a primary. The straw poll in Iowa this weekend is a perfect example. Sure, you get the satisfaction of being the first citizens to kick the tires — so to speak — of the newest crop of candidates that want to lead this country for the next four years or so, but at what cost?

There are so many from which to choose, and every other one is more outrageous than the previous one. Candidate A will promise not to raise your taxes; candidate B will promise not to raise your taxes and balance the government’s budget; while candidate C will promise to do all that and put consenting adults of the same sex who just want to live like any other couple in a committed relationship in their place.

My state — the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania — has no time or patience to put up with this kind of riffraff. And by riffraff, I’m referring to the politicians who promise you the moon for your vote, and not the consenting adults of the same sex who etcetera etcetera etcetera. Gays are okay with us. On the other hand, politicians are a totally different animal, particularly after the latest round of political brinkmanship that played out in DC recently.

So as of today, we have eight or ten or twelve or I don’t know how many Republicans tossing their hats into the presidential election ring. Let’s put it this way: there are so many hats in the ring that no one can see the ring anymore. From this multitude, the media are focusing on the eight main contenders, which includes a couple of holdovers from 2008 (Romney and Pawlenty), the tea party fave (Bachmann), a former Obama administration member (Huntsmann), and all the rest — but not including the Professor and Maryann.

Of these contenders, I feel compelled to warn you, dear sweet corny Iowa, about Bachmann and Rick Santorum. I truly have mixed feelings about Bachmann: on the negative side, she is the main tea party candidate who has displayed a bizarre grasp of American history. On the plus side — and I’m speaking now as a male who is deeply appreciative of female beauty — she looks good in a dress. In this respect, she is miles ahead of Santorum, who to my knowledge has never worn a dress. This is a pity, as it might broaden his narrow-minded, 12th century horizons...or maybe not.

Bachmann has made many amusing statements on American history in the course of her campaign. Now, to be fair, I should note that she did get something right. Last week, when she criticized Obama about the S&P downgrade of America’s credit rating from AAA to AA+ (the plus sign must count for something), she noted that the rating held steady through “World War One, the Great Depression, World War Two, the Korean War,” and so forth. What was amazing was that she ticked off each of these conflicts/social upheavals in the right order! I was stunned! And she did it without a five year old nearby to check her facts or a crib note tucked into her bra! I was so proud of her!

Santorum deserves to be watched closely, sweet corn-shucking Iowa. In anticipation of this weekend’s straw poll, he has uprooted his wife and seven children from their northern Virginia digs (which is miles away from their “legal” residence outside of Pittsburgh PA), and brought them to your sunny midwestern plains. I assume his plan is to establish residency, ingratiate his brood with your citizenry, and perhaps enroll them in a cyber charter school in your state.

I have no reason to believe this is Santorum’s intention, but the fact is he has done this before. Back in 2004, a controversy arose when then Senator Santorum representing a district in western Pennsylvania listed a residence near Pittsburgh as his legal address. He and his family spent most of its time at a house in Leesburg, VA.

So far, no problem. Papa Santorum’s job was in DC, and who wouldn’t want his children living with him close to daddy’s job. The problem arose when the local school district noticed that Santorum’s children were enrolled – at Pennsylvania taxpayers expense — in a PA cyber charter school when they spent most of the year in VA. The school district ruled that the Santorums didn’t satisfy their residency requirements, and requested a refund from the senator.

Santorum balked and withdrew his children from the PA cyber school. Courts later ruled in his favor, but eventually the school district did get some of their money back courtesy of the Pennsylvania State Department of Education. Where the state got the money to settle this dispute...oh, wait, I guess we the taxpayers of Pennsylvania footed that bill too! No matter what happened, we got screwed!

In any event, Iowa, you may want to watch this man Santorum carefully. If he does well in this weekend’s straw poll, then he’ll go off campaigning to God knows where, and he’ll leave his brood behind in Iowa. You may get stuck with a bill for educating them while daddy runs for president. Of course, if you have no cyber schools in your state, then you should have nothing to worry about.

So, Iowa, good luck with this year’s crop of corn and corn-fed candidates! Enjoy their company, give them a thumbs up or thumbs down for the benefit of the rest of us, and send them on their way. Just make sure they take all of their people with them when they leave.

(Thank you for reading. By the way, Iowa, please don’t take my “kicking the tires” of the candidates remark literally. I’d hate to see Michelle Bachmann emerge from the straw poll with bruises on her ankles.)

Random Swings Between Tranquility and Apoplexy

2011-08-09T06:27:00.008-04:00

Okay, let’s all take a deep breath. Let’s remember we are all on this earth together as one big, admittedly not always happy, family, but many of us are still learning to get along and respect each others beliefs and cultures and...EFF IT!

You damn tea partiers! You’re destroying all of us just to make one man look bad! For a group that professes to be mostly Christians, you are incredibly selfish!

No, sorry! That outburst was wrong and not very civil. I must remember what my father taught me. He would say, “If you can’t say anything nice, then...say it on EFFN FOX NEWS!!!!”

Sorry, Dad!

You pushed your Republican leaders to stand so firm on no taxes that they were forced to accept a half-ass compromise on the debt ceiling that has been sinking markets all over the world ever since. Look at the stock market yesterday! Dooowwwnnnn over 630 points! Down, as in the opposite of up! Down as in very, very bad!

No, I must get a hold of myself. After all, these are just human beings who mean well and want their very best to make life...an EFFN LIVING HELL FOR THE REST OF US!!!!

You’re destroying our retirement savings! We won’t have anything left to live on just because you want to make Obama a one-termer. My poor wife will be forced to continue working making little instruments that measures stress in glass and plastic products until her fingers cramp up permanently, and her knuckles get all gnarly, and she won’t be able to knit anymore, all because her 401(k) was wiped out by the great Tea Party of 2011!

Okay, I need to take a few more deep breaths. I must control these urges to verbally assault people who are, after all, fellow Americans who like me are hard-working, dedicated to making a better life for all. They are nothing less than freedom worshipping...FEAR MONGERS WHO SEE COMMUNISTS UNDER EVERY EFFN ROCK!

Everyone, let’s welcome back Joseph McCarthy! Let’s dive right into the mud-soaked pool of fear and paranoia! Come on, let’s roll around in it until all of the pores in our bodies are unable to breath in the life-sustaining oxygen of faith and understanding, and our eyes are so caked over with grime and dirt that we can’t see anyone else's point of view except yours. And your point of view is the only point of view, period. Am I right, tea partiers?

Now I must calm down. I should lie back in my Lazy Boy, eyes closed with my cat Steven snuggled comfortably in my lap, and perhaps sipping a nice warm cup of...TEA!

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(Thank you for reading. Coffee, anyone?)

Dear Wall Street

2011-08-05T20:38:00.002-04:00

Dear Wall Street:

Hope this little missive finds you well, although I hear you’ve not been well at all. You taunted and teased us during the course of the default battle recently waged in the halls of Congress. You predicted dire consequences if the United States did not raise its debt limit. Interest rates would rise, thousands (more) would be thrown out of work, retirement investments would shrink, and you claimed that Michele Bachmann would say something stupid. None of which came true, except for your Michele Bachmann prediction, and I’m still wondering what five year old you consulted for that bit of news!

So, in light of all these warnings, the impossible happened: Democrats and Republicans came together (in other times, a sure sign of impending apocalypse) and worked out a compromise deal. Of course, the deal was warmly received for about five seconds, before everyone involved realized what they had done. Sure, Obama got his debt ceiling raised, but without the aid of tax revenue for which he was hoping. Republicans got their spending cuts, but without the balanced budget amendment the Tea Partiers wanted. In short, everyone agreed to a deal that, in the end, left everyone not entirely satisfied.

Their satisfaction was of little consequence as long as you were happy, Wall Street. It didn’t matter one iota if the politicos in Washington were uncomfortable, just as long as you weren’t sitting in the corner and pouting that you weren’t getting your way. So everyone gave in a bit of their principles just to see the look of joy on your face the morning after the dust settled.

So how did you repay us? You tanked! You plunged over 500 points in one session, the worst since the recession began in 2008, and started talk that the recession was on again.

Wall Street, we need to talk.

What the eff is your deal? Historically, you react all jittery every time someone beyond your borders says anything nice about the economy. The government says the dollar is strong, and you start crying. The head of the Federal Reserve develops a case of the sniffles and you go running for an open window on a skyscraper floor very high above terra firma. Someone else sees a trend that first time unemployment filers is down, and you see the end of the world. Please note this equation: working people = good things. Obviously, you have a hard time believing this.

In more recent years we, the American taxpayers, have bent over backwards to help you through your tough times. Unfortunately, you viewed this gift giving as a one-way street. There were strings attached after all.

We gave you billions with the understanding that you would use that money to help homeowners from foreclosure, and to create jobs. So what did you do? You partied and blew the wad on executive bonuses without requiring them to show what they had done to earn it in the first place. Oh, you said they’re good talent and we need to reward them to keep them here.

Hey, Wall Street, I have news for you! There are millions of other Americans whose talent has been going unused for many months, and for some more a few years. When will they get a chance to display their skills again? Hmmm?

Clearly many of you on Wall Street are not cut out for the high stress environment of high finance. Perhaps you should seek out occupations which are less taxing on your nerves. Something like, oh, I don’t know, delivering mass quantities of dynamite in a huge semi tractor trailer that has failed its brake inspections for the last three years. Or how about suicide bomber? There are always openings in this field. Oh, I know, it’s a very short term job, and you can forget about retirement benefits, but it’s obviously more in line with your natural fatalistic tendencies.

(Wow! Job recommendations for those with nerves of celery and career advice for suicide bombers! Can’t you just feel the love, readers? Read on...this gets better!)

Then there are others who are not fulfilling their capitalistic duties. I’m talking about the entrepreneurs who once again — with the help of their Republican chums in Congress — will not see their tax liability go up. You are the ones who it is said are the “job creators”. Okay, so start creating jobs...now!

As for the rest of you who are not in the position to help homeowners or the unemployed, I have one final suggestion: kneepads! You’re going to need a strong set of kneepads, because there are lots of Americans who are very unhappy with their financial situation and are seeking satisfaction.

Yes, I am suggesting that you get on your knees and suck us! Suck our (insert genitalia here)! So get on your knees, close your eyes, take a deep breath and, I don’t know, “think of England”.

Warmest Regards,

Millions of Pissed-Off Americans

(Thank you for reading. Everyone, send your kneepads to Wall Street!!!!)

Thank You for the Music...Now Get Out of Here!

2011-08-02T20:44:00.002-04:00

Compact discs, the grandchild of the vinyl long-play platter, is holding its own against the iPods and other inventions that enable us to hear our music without utilizing a separate contraption. We’ve gone from room size stereo systems that were once the neighbor's envy in the Mad Men era, to tiny players with the accompanying ear buds. Honestly, I thought CDs would be long gone by now.

So, to hasten its demise and drive the last nails into its coffin, here are my suggestions for albums which should do the trick:

1. The Puppini Sisters Sing Abba’s Greatest Hits

2. Derbies and Mallets: The Return of the Nairobi Trio*

3. Newt Gingrich’s Greatest Press Releases, as performed by John Lithgow

4. Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas, as read by Percy Dovetonsils**

5. Live from The Improv: Michele Bachmann Teaches America’s Greatest History Lessons

6. Crying Time Again: Greatest Songs of Tears as performed by John Boehner and the House Republican Caucus

7. Faithful: A Collection of Devotional Songs for Long Term Relationships by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Anthony Weiner

8. The Wiggles Sing Mack The Knife and Other Selections by Brecht and Weill

9. Glenn Beck Reads Selections from “Mein Kampf”

*With apologies to Ernie Kovacs

**With more apologies to Ernie Kovacs

(Thank you for reading! Happy listening!)

Countdown to Happy Depression!

2011-07-29T07:42:00.002-04:00

Is everyone missing the recession that allegedly ended nearly two years ago? Do you feel cheated that you did not suffer enough so you could consider yourself equal to your long-suffering grandparents who would recount endless stories of woe from the Great Depression? Fear not! The next cataclysmic economic disaster is coming soon...very soon.

How does Tuesday, August 2, work for you? That’s Tuesday, as in next Tuesday!

You’ll want to pencil that date on your calendar to remind yourself not to do something stupid, like winning the lottery that day. It wouldn’t be very becoming to have one person possessing what could possibly be the only money left in the country while the rest of us spiral downward into a whirlpool of economic ruin.

See, we’re already ahead of grandma and grandpa! They didn’t get advanced warning when Black Tuesday happened in October, 1929! It was a big surprise for everyone! We’re so lucky! We’ve been warned about the apocalypse for a few months now! Nobody can rightly say, “Gee, I didn’t know anything about this! What will I do?”

Now, those of you who have been continuously unemployed through the last recession and this brief period of pseudo-prosperity are due for a hearty round of congratulations! You people are ahead of the game! Obviously, you planned well! Many of us - who were only unemployed a short period of time, only to be lulled into a false sense of economic security when we found work again — are in for a rude awakening when the US guvmint (intentional misspelling mine) defaults on everything come Tuesday!

So now that we know it’s coming, what can we do to survive this? What a stupid question! Surely our survival is not as important as figuring out who to blame for the mess.

There are potentially two parties to blame: the esteemed President Obama and the Democratic members in both chambers of Congress, or the sniveling, cowardly, pig-headed members of Congress who also just happen to be of the Republican persuasion.* Of course, we can heap an extra helping of blame on the Tea Party fringe of the GOP, who seem perfectly happy to see the country go out of business if it’ll make President Obama look bad. This is 100% selfishness, pure and simple.

GOP leaders Boehner, McConnell, Cantor, et al have been very eager to portray Obama as the one who won’t compromise. Excuse me, boys, but Obama compromised months ago when he reneged on his campaign promise to allow the Bush era tax cuts to expire for everyone except the very rich. He gave into you then so the very rich could keep creating the jobs which they have yet to create even though the Bush tax cuts have existed for the last 10 years. In other words, GOP, it’s your turn to give a little. Cough up a compromise or suffer the historical humiliation that it was your party that destroyed this great country of ours.

Some commentators have given a dismissive wave to all the gloom and doom scenarios of skyrocketing interest rates, devalued credit ratings, and massive unemployment. They argue that we survived a government shutdown before when Clinton was President, so there is nothing to worry about now. Yes, we did indeed survive that previous debt crisis, and if memory serves me correctly, I believe a particular Ms. Lewinsky of the Watergate Apartments in Washington, DC survived very well indeed. (Insert Groucho Marx wagging eyebrows here!)

These commentators are forgetting a few vital differences. The country was not coming out of a recession in 1996, like it is today. Also, unemployment was lower in 1996 and nowhere near the 9% with which we are dealing now. Considering all this, then perhaps the gloom and doom predictions might come true this time.

So, what can we expect come Tuesday morning? Social Security checks will likely be delayed, which should rile up the most powerful voting bloc in the country: the AARP! Come on, seniors, we’re depending on you! Grab your pitchforks and torches, and march on DC! Okay sorry, I forgot that you may not be able to march anymore. Let me amend that: grab your pitchforks and torches and roll your walkers on DC! There, that’s better!

Hopefully, a show of force from this constituency will convince our wonderful leaders to meet in the middle and play nice with each other. If not, then we may suffer even worse consequences when those holding the majority of our debt call for our loans. Of course, I’m referring to the Chinese who could very easily march in and foreclose on our asses!

Oh well, there is a silver lining to this worst case scenario. If the Chinese march in, then at least the buffets will stay open! It may behoove us to develop a taste for deep fried chicken feet and sweet and sour rodent quick...real quick!

*Oh come on! You knew damn well on which side this slightly left of center blog would come down!

(Thank you for reading! Have a happy depression everyone!)

"That’s Funny"

2011-07-26T19:57:00.002-04:00

So many fond memories running through my mind, cascading like torrents through the years...such as the time we were at the movies and sputtered in anticipatory glee when we realized that the campfire scene from Blazing Saddles was coming up. The people sitting around us probably wondered what the hell was the matter with us, but soon they were also laughing with us at what is possibly the funniest sound gag ever put on film.

Then there was our senior prom, and neither one of us went because neither one of us had a date. Oh, you could have had a date if your girlfriend hadn’t broken up with you a few months before. I could have had a date too, if it wasn’t for the fact that a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex was — at that point of my life — largely a hypothetical proposition.

There were the short summer vacations filled with a million or so hands of pinochle. We lived to play that game then. Funny how I can’t remember the last time I played any cards at all. Literally, it’s been decades.

Then there were the parties, with more eating than drinking. We liked to eat pizza with you, not so much because we enjoyed it as much we enjoyed making fun of how you pronounced it. For the last time it’s pronounced “peet-sa” not “pee-sa”!

We were the closest of friends, so close that we could see each others faults and not mind them at all. You liked to argue just for the sake of arguing too much for my taste. And, yes, alright, I could be a moody tempermental person at times. Could be? Alright, I’ll admit, I’m still a moody person!

We only had one big fight, and it was over a woman. I was so angry with you that I didn’t communicate with you for two years. Even now, I won’t admit you were right about her, but I now believe that in the end she wasn’t worth the trouble.

So now I’m remembering all this and laying out many of the details of our friendship for all to see. It’s my way of approaching, then retreating away from, something I hate to do. I’m dancing around every conceivable way to avoid doing the inevitable. That inevitability is saying good bye and letting go...

Your son followed your final instructions well. He called and left a message on my answering machine to tell me you had passed away that morning. I didn’t realize it at first, but when I played the message again I could hear a more gravelly version of your voice when he spoke. That fact is comforting to me. I see it as a sign that only your body gave out, but you’ll live on through him and your daughter.

I expected the phone call for nearly a year since when you told me that you had decided to forgo a transplant and living a less-than-ideal life on dialysis. You reached a point where you had lived your life and there was nothing more to do. Still, I couldn’t believe the news since I had last spoken to you only a few weeks ago. You were still your jovial, joking self on the phone then, with no trace of pain or regret in your voice.

Oh, then there was the time we saw Dylan and the Dead at that fiberglass-slivers- in-your-ass venue, JFK Stadium in South Philly. Oh, and a few midnight misadventures such as the time a parking meter “followed us home”. Or all those times when you would nearly laugh yourself into unconsciousness and exclaim at the end of your merry jag, “That’s funny!” Oh, and oh so many more tales to recount. Perhaps at some other time and some other blog...

I’ll never eat another slice of “pee-sa” without a mild chuckle at all these memories.

Nick, God Bless You and Rest In Peace.

POTC: On Stranger Tides

2011-07-21T19:45:00.002-04:00

I had an opportunity to go to the movies last weekend. While most of humanity was tripping over each other by the millions to see Harry Potter, I and a few dozen other movie goers caught a blockbuster from earlier in the season: Pirates of the Caribbean – On Stranger Tides (hitherto known as POTC – OST). There’s my new motto: if a movie title takes longer to say than actually sit through the actual movie, then we should be able to acronym the hell out of it!

Movie fans are no different than patrons of the other arts; they come from all walks of life with varying degrees of different attributes, including race, sex, intellect and wealth. I dare say that, for most film patrons, their observance of whatever celluloid drama is unfolding in front of their eyes is nothing more than a pleasing way to pass a hot, humid, summer afternoon. They may or may not take away any deep meaning from the film. I, on the other hand, will always attempt to gather some sort of lesson from the performance.

I don’t believe I do this because I consider myself that much more of an intellectual than the average movie fan. No, I believe I look for a deeper understanding in the film because I want to get more out of an experience for which I paid $5.00 20 years ago, but have to plunk down my hard earned plastic for amounts nearly twice that amount now. Another reason I only go to the movies twice a year, but I digress.

So, the lessons that made an impression on me from POTC – OST (again, I remind you, an acronym) could all qualify as SPOLIER ALERTS (not an acronym) on the International Movie Data Base website:

1. Jack Sparrow, oh sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) has commitment issues.

2. Barbossa, Sparrow’s adversary played to wonderful broadly comic effect by Geoffrey Rush, finds himself owning one show too many.

3. Mermaids are vicious, nasty bitches!

This latest entry in the POTC franchise (yes, I think we can officially label this a franchise now) has a potential romantic interest in Penelope Cruz, as opposed to being a losing corner in the romantic triangle that was Sparrow/Swann/Turner in the first three POTC. Now Sparrow has a chance to shine and show off for his lady love, whether he’s swashbuckling through the streets of London or screaming like a little girl when he jumps off a high cliff somewhere in the South Seas. Okay, so perhaps screaming like a little girl isn’t considered macho, but perhaps that’s the point. Perhaps we are ready to redefine the concept of “macho”. Or maybe not...

Sparrow’s and Barbossa’s relationship doesn’t break any new ground. They are the same old cranky enemies when each doesn’t have a ship under them, but the best of allies in special situations, like being tied to side-by-side coconut trees by a third party. At times like these, they trade quips like Hope and Crosby did 60 years ago. Scenes like this make one wonder if perhaps the whole enterprise could be entitled Pirates of the Caribbean: The Road to the Fountain of the Youth (AKA...oh, please do the acronym yourself, dear reader. It’s hot and I’m tired)!

Then there are the mermaids; those wonderful, beautiful creatures that can be an allegory for the relationships between the sexes through the ages. Yes, they are all smiles and come hither looks before they’ve got a man within their clutches, but once he’s there he’s as good as being dragged to the bottom of the sea. I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times in real life. It’s happened to me a few times in my past, not that I want to admit to it now.

So much for deep meaning...

The action did bog down a few times, but the performances were wonderfully entertaining. Depp’s Sparrow can still show flashes of the earlier master Chaplin. Cruz was very enticing, even with her being photographed from the neck up so as to disguise the fact that she was pregnant throughout the shoot. A few scenes were enlivened with cameos by Dame Judi Dench (as a high society lady riding inside a coach invaded by Sparrow) and an elderly-looking Rolling Stone Keith Richards, who gets to deliver an instantly classic movie line that he was born to deliver.

In the end, we are all enriched by the spectacle of the conflict and the grand panorama of the chase. In the end, the Fountain of Youth is found and lost again, Barbossa gets a ship, and Sparrow abandons love for the life of a pirate. Naturally, fans of the franchise believe that the drama is not truly over until Sparrow utters the word Savvy at least once.

Yet the drama is not over, because this franchise has set a new standard for film endings tacked on after the closing credits have finished. This time — another patented IMDB SPOILER ALERT ahead — our spurned love interest finds a way to avenge her broken heart. Even though she is thousands of miles from civilization on a tiny island, she realizes that she holds Captain Sparrow’s wretched pirate life in the palm of her hands.

Oh yes, I see another grand sequel on the horizon...

(Thank you for reading! If nothing else, remember this: “Does this face look like it’s been to the Fountain of Youth?”)

Busy Summer Weekend

2011-07-13T19:07:00.002-04:00

Most of my summer weekends during the last 10 years have been a harried series of events to complete outdoor work before Monday morning dawns. There is grass to be mowed, weeds to be pulled, shrubs and vegetables to be fed and more than the occasional indoor break in air-conditioned comfort between chores. These tasks fill the two day time span as many weekends I have nothing better to do.

This weekend is an interesting case. Normally, this time of year there would be a silent comedy film festival to attend in Arlington, Virginia. Event two: my niece by marriage is ending her bachelorette days this weekend when she walks down the aisle in Conshohocken. Event three: on my side, one of my cousins is celebrating his doctorate in physical therapy. And finally, event four: I also have my ongoing medical coding class to attend Saturday morning. So many choices, so many directions to go in, that I can’t make up my mind which to do.

Which is why I am staying home this weekend mowing grass, pulling weeds, etc.

The main reason is my school obligations. Oh, I could make the drive upstate after class to see my cousin and celebrate his academic achievement, but it would make for a very long day. The wedding is also a moot point: family circumstances would make our attendance a distraction and we never want to take the focus off the bride on her big day. My wife and I will be there in spirit if not in person.

The silent film festival is also a moot point: Slapsticon 2011 was canceled this year due to “contractual obligations”. I’m a bit bummed out by this, but it made it easier for me to forgo our annual trek to northern Virginia because of school and new job obligations. The Slapsticon organizers have come up with an alternative event for the weekend of July 16: the Al Joy National Fan Club meeting. It promises to be a multi-venue affair divided between screening rooms at the Library of Congress, homes of silent film enthusiasts in Washington DC, and Culpepper, Virginia. Okay, I can see the question on your lips now: who the hell is Al Joy?

Suffice to say he is one of thousands of thespians who ever dared to take a pie in the face just to make a living. His place in silent film history is several rungs down from the likes of Chaplin, Keaton, and Lloyd. Even many silent comedy fans (and historians for that matter) know very little about Al Joy, who made a series of comedies in the late 1920’s before disappearing into obscurity.

Staying home this weekend might give me more opportunities to blog, which would be true except for one thing: my editor is leaving town for a long weekend rest away from me and our cats. Yes, Anne Marie will be Amtraking north to visit an Internet friend in Boston who shares her passion for the needle arts, namely knitting. Oh, if I were going, I’d fill the weekend with activities I could only do there and nowhere else, like whale watching, take in the awesome view of the Maparium at the Christian Science Publishing Society, and attend an American League baseball game at Fenway.

Anne Marie will have none of this. Her fear of large bodies of water precludes her from taking an excursion to chase large mammals in the ocean. She’s not religious, so I doubt she will go anywhere near the Christian Science complex. As for baseball, there is only one team for my wife: the Phillies. All the other teams don't matter, regardless of their colorful historical heritage of the game.

I believe her weekend plans revolve around knitting, swilling wine, and eating. So be it! Sounds like a plan!

I will make do at home, just me and my cats. (Cue melancholy violin music.) Oh, I suppose I could venture out and treat myself to various gastronomic delights. In this pursuit, I will abide by the old philosophy, “So many Chinese buffets, so little time”. Or I could go on a historical excursion and seek out W.C. Fields birthplace in Darby, or the stomping grounds of the Sundance Kid in Mont Clair, both within driving distance from my house.

Or I could go to school, mow the grass, pull the weeds, feed my shrubs...and, oh yeah! Crank up the ABBA!

(Thank you for reading. Best Wishes and Good Luck with all our love to Carolyn and Jeff!)

The Zealots Are Coming! The Zealots Are Coming!

2011-07-08T20:46:00.002-04:00

To arms, to arms! Beware all believers and non-believers! Organized religion is rearing its ugly ethnocentric head again!

Mark it on your calendars! The Response — a national day of prayer - is scheduled for August 6! The day is being declared by Texas Governor Rick Perry, and co-sponsored by the American Family Association. What? Rev. Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church bigots aren’t showing up? What about Terry Jones? Surely he’ll be asked to burn some sort of religious icon from one of the heathen faiths!

How can something that gives so many people the strength to carry on with their lives in the face of adversity be used for such intolerant purposes?

It certainly seems like a sweet, innocent gathering of Jesus’ faithful followers until you examine the various groups past agendas. For example, The American Family Association, allegedly a Christian faction, preaches regularly against homosexuals, Muslims, and — oh what the hell, let’s call the kettle black — everyone else that doesn’t believe in Jesus!

This event is being promoted by Perry as “a non-denominational, apolitical, Christian prayer meeting”. As some critics have pointed out, and allow me to pile on as well, how can an event be non-denominational and Christian at the same time? It does make one wonder if the governor doesn’t have ulterior motives.

It’s almost if he is promoting himself (not Jesus) to a narrow segment of the population who are narrow-minded in their ideals on how to move the country forward. Oh yes, of course, the Iowa straw poll - a Republican Party event that is heavily influenced by conservative Christians - takes place a week after The Response! So much for apolitical!

I really feel sorry for Jesus. Once again, his followers are using his teachings to justify their own prejudices. Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men? No problem as long as you are a man who doesn’t want to marry another man. Turn the other cheek and forgive your enemies? Have no fear as long as you truly are a Christian, but other believers need not apply. I hate to see Jesus given a black eye by anyone, but especially by those who profess to love him.

Unfortunately, those who love him come across as hypocrites more times than not. This particular voting bloc that Perry is trying to woo is prone to standing up for a literal interpretation of the Bible and the US Constitution. Ah, but in this case they seem to have overlooked the notion of keeping church and state separate in our grand federal document. The Founding Fathers (not including John Quincy Adams) believed that the establishment of one religion as the nationwide preference over all others was wrong. This doesn’t matter to the conservative Christians who like to cherry pick which federal laws should apply to them and which should be eliminated.

Or perhaps I’m overreacting. Maybe it will just be truly a gathering of Christ’s followers who will come together in harmonious fellowship, pray, bear witness to God’s great glory, and become invigorated with a renewed sense of faith and spiritual purpose in their lives. Then they might tuck into a nice ham supper that night.

Or...perhaps a few radical elements will overpower the glorious positiveness of the event, set down a series of edicts which every Christian is expected to obey, and formulate a series of policies which will adversely affect all non-believers (i.e., Jews, Muslims, gays, short middle-aged bloggers living in southeastern Pennsylvania, etc.) with actions of shunning, excommunications, isolationism, and, finally, total and profound destruction of entire cultures.

Of course nothing like that has ever happened in societies with one organized religious sect expressing majority rule over other sects in the entire history of mankind!

Oh...wait a minute...

On second thought, to arms! To arms! The narrow-minded zealots are coming! The narrow-minded zealots are coming!

(Thank you for reading. Please remember to exercise your beliefs wisely!)

Snort Notes – July 2011

2011-07-05T20:39:00.003-04:00

ISRAELI COUPLE PLEADS GUILTY TO STEALING ARTIFACTS FROM THE AUSCHWITZ DEATH CAMP MUSEUM IN POLAND

Honestly, what were these people thinking? Did they need these items — mostly eating utensils — to complete their collection of Holocaust souvenirs back home? Can you imagine them saying, “Oh look, dear, that spoon will fit perfectly with our gold-embossed copy of Mein Kampf on our bookshelf.

DISCLAIMER: I do not know for certain if a gold-embossed edition of Hitler’s infamous screed does exist. But if it does exist, I’m sure Glenn Beck owns a copy. The whole Auschwitz theft episode can be summed up in one word: kinky!

Speaking of Glenn Beck...

GLENN BECK ENDS HIS SHOW ON THE FOX NEWS NETWORK

In a move that both sides tried to make appear as amicable as possible, Glenn Beck signed off his nightly television show on June 30. That may explain the rising wailing and gnashing of teeth from the right, and the cheers and champagne toasts from the left.

Of course, this isn’t totally the end of Beck. He may have lost his prime media real estate spot on Fox, but that doesn’t mean he’s finished! He still has a large following who share his loony ideas of racism and national apocalypse. They were the ones that propelled his ideas to the top of the bestseller lists and radio and television ratings. How could Beck leave behind such an adoring public?

The answer is, “He won’t leave them.” In the closing days of his Fox News show, the coming of GBTV — wow, I wonder if they stayed up all night thinking up that name — was announced. His show will start on this subscription based Internet television network in September.

It’ll be interesting to see how many of his followers will be willing to plunk down more of their hard-earned “guvmint-keep-your-hands-off-my money” to hear his brand of rabid swill.

Speaking of Fox News...

FOX NEWS TWITTER ACCOUNT HACKED ALLOWING DISTURBING TWEETS TO BE BROADCAST

Fox News is investigating how their network Twitter account was hacked during the Fourth of July weekend. The tweets — which gave details that President Obama had been assassinated while campaigning in Iowa — raised more than a few eyebrows, and got the attention of the Secret Service. The network released a statement that the reports were incorrect and apologized for any distress they may have caused.

My main problem with how Fox handled this: the tweets remained on their site for ten hours after they were first posted. Why did it take them so long to remove these messages? Did they actually spend time trying to confirm the false reports? Didn’t they — as a news organization that most likely has people watching the President’s every move 24/7 — know that Obama was nowhere near Iowa during the holiday weekend?

In retrospect, the incident is a tribute to Fox News’ dedication to accuracy and fairness in their news gathering operation. In case you’re wondering, I will admit that, yes, that last sentence was a snide comment.

NEW YORK STATE LEGALIZES SAME-SEX MARRIAGE

Finally, we should note another milestone in civil rights was achieved last week when Governor Cuomo signed legislation legalizing same-sex marriage in the Empire State. The event was celebrated at New York City’s gay pride parade with much cheering and champagne toasting from the left. Of course the right moaned, groaned and gnashed their teeth while decrying this latest example of moral decay in America.

Here’s some advice for the right: go cry on Glenn Beck’s shoulder. I hear he needs some friends right now.

(Thank you for reading. Now go forth and marry your true love, even if that love is the proverbial love that should not be spoken!)

Michele Bachmann and the Spirit of 1776

2011-07-01T16:38:00.002-04:00

Tea Party icon Michele Bachmann has made several attempts to co-opt the rebellious spirit of the American Revolution in her quest for the White House. So far, her adventures resemble more comic horse opera than patriotic gala extravaganza.

Consider these missteps:

In a previous appearance in New Hampshire, the Tea Party leader placed the beginning of the revolutions conflict in that state, and not where it actually happened in Massachusetts;

She insists and continues to insist — inaccurately - that the Founding Fathers worked hard to abolish slavery in this country;

She insists and continues to insist - inaccurately again - that John QUINCY Adams is one of our country's Founding Fathers;

She tried to invoke cinematic icon John Wayne when she declared — again inaccurately — that they were both born in Waterloo, Iowa, only to be called out on the falsity by a historically conservative newspaper!

Perhaps we should give the old girl credit for trying, but she wants to lead this country, not entertain us just for a few laughs.

The New Hampshire incident showed up her lack of geographic knowledge. This is an unfortunate trait which she shares with too many Americans. Even more alarming is her understanding of American history, which again she shockingly shares with so many Americans.

Recently, one of my cardio rehab mates complained about a report he heard noting the number of people who don’t know why we fought World War II and the Korean Conflict. This hit close to home for him; he served in Korea. I shook my head along with him as he told me the story, and I could hear the tears in his voice. Ironically, he identifies himself with the political movement that Bachmann wants to lead to the White House. Go figure!

The notion that the Founding Fathers fought to abolish slavery is a knee-slapping howler! In truth, several of these revered figures did keep slaves, struggling privately with the hypocrisy of the reality of their entrepreneurial situation, even while they put forth ideas declaring that all men are created equal. The author of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson, is often cited as the worst offender. However, we should point out that he did make an honest attempt to include the idea of freeing slaves within the Declaration. He and his fellow patriots like John Adams and Benjamin Franklin did put up a fight for a while, but eventually conceded the point just to get all of the colonies united against the British monarchy. It is a concession that haunts this country to this day.

Bachmann tries hard to make the case that Adams’ son, John Quincy, a slavery foe, was a Founding Father. Quincy was eight years old at the time the Declaration was produced and signed! He could hardly be considered as one of the Founding Fathers! True, he would begin helping father John within a few years and thereby starting his own life-long career in diplomacy and politics. Otherwise, he should be considered the son of a Founding Father, who built his own legacy within American history.

Then there are Bachmann’s attempts to raise the spirit of American rugged individualism as embodied by Hollywood legend John Wayne. Her argument was that she and Wayne shared the same birthplace, Waterloo, Iowa. Unfortunately, truth was not on her side.

The Washington Times — a historically conservative newspaper which theoretically should have had her back — questioned her assertion. They noted that Wayne was born in Winterset, not Waterloo, Iowa. Then, perhaps to twist the knife, they helpfully pointed out that the only John Wayne associated with Waterloo was John Wayne Gacy, one of America’s more notorious serial killers.

So, let’s do our own comparison. John Wayne, American film actor whose film roles and highly publicized political activities elevated him to God-like status in the eyes of super patriots. John Wayne Gacy lured 33 young men to sex-related torture and death before stuffing their bodies into the crawlspace of his home.

Oh sure! I can see how Michele Bachmann could have confused the two men...NOT!

Bachmann’s misadventures are actually doing some good. They make Sarah Palin, no slouch herself in interpreting American history for her own political advantage, look like a genius. They are energizing some radical Republicans to follow her blindly, while most of the Republican establishment is left to scratch their heads as they try to figure what to do with this loose cannon.

Then, of course, there is the reaction among the liberals and Democrats who are rolling around on the ground laughing. There’s no denying that she is extremely entertaining. However, even this shtick will get old. We’ll all stop laughing next spring if she makes any headway at all in the early 2012 primaries.

Then we run the risk of seeing our most cherished ideals buried like John Wayne Gacy’s victims — in the crawlspace of our American psyche.

(Thank you for reading! Have a safe Fourth of July!)

My Summer Education

2011-06-28T07:14:00.002-04:00

My local newspaper recently published their research of the newest and best summer reading will be this year. We all know what type of book they’re talking about: something light to pass the time while many of us lounge at the shore, occasionally glance up at the crashing waves, and blithely tune out the acres of human flesh that is either baking to a nice, golden brown or all the way to cancerous black. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

My summer reading is neither light, nor conducive to dragging along to a sandy environment. Here are the titles on my summer reading list: Quick and Easy Medical Terminology (429 pages); Medical Insurance – An Integrated Claims Process Approach (700+ pages); 2011 CPT – Professional Edition (794 pages); 2011 Step-By-Step Medical Coding (1058 pages); and the mother of all medical coding textbooks, ICD – 9 for Hospitals Volumes 1, 2 and 3 (so many pages they forgot to number them all)! Sounds like fun, doesn’t it?

If these sound like reference books or, more appropriately, college textbooks, it’s because they are college textbooks. Yes, it’s true, I’m back in school! This time, it’s not for a full degree, but for a job designation that might affect my potential earnings within the next few years. Fortunately I gave up going to the beach sometime during the last century, so I won’t know the pleasure or misery of dragging those mothers to such far-flung destinations like the Jersey Shore.

The subject is medical coding, an established career opportunity that enables medical practices and hospitals to bill for their services that is both correct and financially advantageous to their bottom lines. Naturally, the main payer for these services is the health insurance industry, who has worked hand-in-hand with the medical community over the years to create these standards of medical service. Their efforts have created a whole subsection of medical billing - another pillar in the health care financial kingdom - one that is predicted to grow within a few years due to the health care reform laws passed and signed last year.

During an early session of my coding class, we were all asked to introduce ourselves and briefly explain why we were taking this class. The reasons varied from person to person, but at least one theme could be found in everyone’s explanation. The knowledge we gained here could help improve our financial health.

Or as one smart aleck class member eloquently put it, “On the advice of my former employer, I decided to change my career.” Okay, I’ll admit it: I was the smart aleck! I was not too surprised to find there were at least four others in my same situation.

My classmates are a wide assortment of ages and types. There are a few college age adults who are giving up weekends on the beach for the promise of a new career on the horizon. There are a few single mothers hoping to land a better job in the near future.

Most of the rest of us are middle-aged folk who, for one reason or another, want to or have to do something else with their lives. Several are still working in medical offices and crave something different for their careers. A handful of us are disillusioned refugees of the recession either from the health care or the health care insurance field. And yes, as a matter of fact, we’re also giving up our weekends temporarily to improve our lot in our lives.

When I was going for my master’s degree — also in the last century — I attended classes side-by-side with adults who had long passed their bachelor degree years. They ranged from their 30s through middle-age with established careers. Sometimes I wondered why they should want for more.

I never imagined that I might be back in school when I reached their age. Yet, here I am in the same position. Like me, they were either unemployed or underemployed and found what had been state of the art training ten years before was now woefully obsolete for the demands of the current economy.

Sometimes karma is a bitch!

So between the new job and the weekend coding class, I’ll be busy, busy, busy until well into the fall. A month or so after that, there will be a test for all of us to become certified. Perhaps by that time the economy will have finally improved to the point that all of us will find our newly acquired knowledge in demand and highly desirable to prospective employers. Now that sounds like fun.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember it’s never too late to learn more.)

Steven’s Medical Adventure

2011-06-25T07:33:00.003-04:00

The big event at our house this week was that one of our cats, Steven, underwent dental surgery. Steven is this blog’s mascot; that’s his picture at the top left.

This procedure was long overdue. We first noticed the tell-tale signs of gum disease - perpetual bad breath that resembles the aroma of day old tuna — over a year ago. His vet examined him in-house — yes, a veterinarian that makes house calls — and asked us to watch for him rubbing his jaw.

Flash forward to earlier this year when we noticed a few other problems. He wasn’t rubbing our hands as vigorously as he used to. There were also more incidents of diarrhea and vomiting whole pieces of dry food, which we can only surmise led to the loss of a few pounds. His once velvety fur had become rougher and matted. We realized he was suffering and that something had to be done.

We justified that all of this was due to his ever more painful jaw. Okay, the diarrhea I can’t explain away, but obviously the pain made chewing on the crunchy dry food impossible. He would swallow the food whole, and naturally his digestive system couldn’t handle that. At this point, the colorful array of cutely shaped cereal-like food would make a U-turn and back up through the mouth.

Normally I would apologize for writing such graphic depictions of kitty regurgitation, especially if you’re reading this while you’re eating. There will be no apology this time! I’m eating a pepperoni stromboli and a salad while I’m writing this. So suck it up!

His unkempt appearance could also be traced to his gum disease. Once again it must have gotten too painful for Steven to clean his fur.

So the vet was summoned again. Blood was taken for lab work - which was traumatic enough for him and me. Anne Marie bravely left the room while the deed was done. The lab work came back normal and a date for the surgery was set.

The vet came early on the appointed day, and as per her suggestion, we isolated Steven on our sun porch. I helped her lower him into a cat carrier amidst more loud meowing and finally sounds of what I would describe as cries of terror. We tried to reassure him as he was carried out. Once he was gone, the pressure to keep up a stiff upper lip was gone. I broke down and cried like John Boehner.

I thought about him all day. We assumed the vet would be removing the more decayed portions of his mouth, and Anne Marie also asked the vet to clip his nails. Beyond this, we didn’t know what they might find. Needless to say, my imagination ran wild!

I have no reason to question the vet’s sense of professionalism. Still, she and her assistant might have gotten a bit playful while Steven was anesthetized. They could have relieved the tedium of the day by putting a red clown nose on his snout just long enough to snap his picture and transmit it over the internet. Or they could have carved a tattoo on his belly. Perhaps a colorful drawing of roses intertwined with catnip, or something simpler and more traditional like the words “Bird Lives”. Or...who knows?

Fortunately, nothing like this happened. Steven returned that night minus his two vampire fangs. His fur was cleaned at no extra charge, and no sign of a tattoo. Best of all, we have yet to hear about any embarrassing photos of him on the Internet.

Steven is back home with us, restricted to a diet of soft food for a few days. His appetite has come roaring back as if he’s trying to make up for the lost time and weight. I don’t mind going through a few more cans of cat food per day, just so long as he’s healthy again. I’ll miss his vampire fangs, but at least his appetite is back. Still, the tuna breath persists...

(Thank you for reading. Please remember to hug your children, furry or otherwise!)

Yo, Taiwan! Crap This!

2011-06-21T07:41:00.002-04:00

My hometown of Philadelphia is reeling from another public relations dishonor. It seems that some type of anime website based in Taiwan took it upon themselves to produce a video rating American cities. Based on actual research of various facets of life (education, environmental factors, overall quality of life, etc.), the website awarded different distinctions to each city.

Some of the awards were expected: New York was rated “rudest city”, while Hollywood was rated as “shallowest”. New Orleans was named “dirtiest” city, but Philadelphia was given the rather vague title of “crappiest” city.

Perhaps this was intended as a satirical exercise in stereotyping, but many of us aren’t so sure. We all recognize that there is always a small grain of truth in stereotyping, and these ratings uphold that theory. New York City is definitely the rudest; sorry, but from personal experience at my job this week, I must say that New Yorkers need to work on their phone etiquette. Period!

The Hollywood is shallow accusation has been around for years, but what else should we expect. The town was founded on the manufacturing and marketing of imagery, and, frankly, many times their product is merely a reflection of the society at large.

As for Nawlin’s being dirty: aw, come on, give the Big Easy a break! They were nearly wiped out by a hurricane six years ago. Give the city some points for trying to come back.

The clip makes its case — no, tries to make its case — by arguing that one of our local delicacies is not fit for human consumption, and one, solo, solitary, unfortunate incident involving Santa Claus. Let us now skillfully deconstruct their arguments with lots of malice and hold the charity.

These anime geeks had the audacity to criticize our beloved cheesesteak sandwich. Any real Philadelphian will tell you what a wonderful slice of heaven this sandwich on an Italian roll truly is! You have wit (meaning smothered in sautéed onions) or you have witout (nothing at all)! Many of us will have pizza style with sauce, or perhaps Heinz ketchup. I’ll bet true cheesesteak aficionados will hold all condiments so they can savor the feeling of the beef juice running over their wax paper, down their chin and finally down their arm. Yes, this is truly heaven!

So, Taiwan, with what delicacy can you tempt us? Frosted grasshoppers or chocolate ant clusters? Please, spare me!

Then there is the Santa Claus incident, a truly terrible thing which many Philadelphians have tried to live down over the years. Of course, I’m referring to the time when the jolly bearded one was pummeled with snowballs at a Philadelphia Eagles game. The event — which, if I may point out, happened decades ago — shamed Philadelphia sports fans for years.

I hate to split hairs, but actually it is not a mark which should be held against Philadelphia’s baseball, basketball, or hockey fans. I for one will dare anyone to find any documentation that Santa was assaulted with snowballs at a Philadelphia Phillies game! I rest my case!

Eagles fans will probably argue that they were just testing Santa’s love for us by being mean to him. On this point, their argument has some merit. Santa still comes to Philly every year, so obviously he doesn’t hold the incident against us.

A more likely argument as to why it happened is a fact that is little known outside the city limits. We all know that Philadelphia sports fans are a tough crowd; I will admit that Phillies fans can be abusive. Still, it doesn’t compare to Philadelphia football fans. I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret here in the City of Brotherly Love. Between you, me, and the 29 million other bloggers on the internet, I’ll tell you that Eagles fans are total psychos. Shhh! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

So let’s turn our attention to Taiwan, who came to exist as the result of a group of democratic revolutionaries exiled by the Chinese communists. At the same time this was happening, a huge propaganda campaign was going on in the United States against communism. In the media, communists were portrayed as loathsome, foul, and filthy. In government, a few narrow-minded individuals spearheaded efforts to root out the red menace once and for all. Those who grew up with these ideas are now approaching retirement age, but the indoctrination they underwent all those years ago is as strong as ever. Witness the many cries of socialism lobbed at the progressive policies now known as Obamacare.

My point in dredging up this bit of history, Taiwan, is this: if Philadelphia is so crappy, then how come you’re a country full of people that not even the dreaded communists wanted?

BOO YAH!!!!

(Thanks for reading. Any similarities between statements in this blog and those which could lead to a war with Taiwan, are purely coincidental.)

Sympathy for the Bunny Keeper

2011-06-17T19:16:00.002-04:00

I feel compelled today to take a break from a world full of strife and conflict. We must turn away from the stories about a resigning Congressman who was unwise enough to send lewd pictures of himself to unsuspecting female political groupies, and look away from two timing regimes that are persecuting the people who led us to Osama Bin Laden. We must close our eyes to mean old Congresspeople who turn their backs on the nutritional needs of the nation’s children, but still allow their agricultural constituents to gorge themselves at the taxpayer subsidized trough of the corporate welfare system. No, today we will distract ourselves on a noble mission of consolation for this country’s oldest connoisseur of female beauty.

Hef, our thoughts are with you today.

This weekend was to be a happy time for our favorite octogenarian playboy. He had planned a wonderful June wedding for himself and his blonde (naturally) love-of-his-life Matilda, or is it Lillian, or is it Patricia, or...just what was her name again? Honestly, Hef, how do you keep them all straight? Do you brand them with tattoos under one of their bountiful mammaries...

Sorry, that was not called for. Let me start again.

Poor Hef! Here is a man who has dedicated nearly sixty years to promoting a certain ideal of female beauty for mankind. Of course, that certain ideal involves firm, nicely shaped breasts (natural or not), long slender legs, very light colored hair, lively expressive eyes, voluptuous full lips, trim waists, well proportioned buttocks, and breeders hips...

Hey, I have to admit something here: I enjoyed writing that last paragraph a little too much for my own good...if you know what I mean. Let’s start again.

Poor Hef! The eternal bon vivant and man about town who has generously shared his discoveries of female pulchritude (a term I first encountered in a Paul McCartney song) with men all over the world. Although he surrounded himself with many fine examples of womanly charm he found and collected over the years, we must wonder if – deep down — Hugh Hefner is a true romantic.

He probably has shared the same vision of romance that many of us have. Hef probably longed to settle down with a pretty, down-to-earth member of the opposite sex. He may have envisioned a life of coming home from the office everyday to a sweet, young girl that dear old Dad would marry, waiting for him at the garden gate. Aw, but the problem is that while dear old Dad may have had a girl at the garden gate, he didn’t have a blonde in every bedroom, brunettes lounging throughout the living areas, and 50 or so assorted females relaxing in the grotto.

Come to think of it, dear old Dad never had a grotto. Maybe that explains why he only ever had one woman. Oh, wait, this is about Hef.

Let’s face reality, Hef! We could tally up all of the women with whom you have had encounters for the last 50 or so years, and we might see a number that make the rest of us males envious, and make the late Wilt Chamberlain (no slouch in the bedroom himself) blush. Dude, you’re a champion for many males! Unfortunately, champions and other geniuses who excel in some aspect of life beyond the feeble accomplishments of us mere mortals, have to sacrifice some part of life for the sake of hyper-achievement.

Your sacrifice is that you may never know the satisfaction that a long term committed relationship can bring. I realize you have had several marriages in your history, but the reality is that they are in your past and not in your present. I also know that this is no consolation. You must realize that there are many others in your situation, and you do have many friends surrounding you that can get you through this heartbreaking crisis. And by friends, I’m not necessarily referring to the harem hanging out in your grotto. You may want to keep company with other guys for the time being to console you.

After a few months, when you feel the time is right, you may want to start dating again. Here’s a suggestion: give older women a chance. They have a lot to offer and they might be able to relate to some of the other values with which your generation grew up. The young chicks have let you down time and time again. Get yourself a cougar, Hef, or perhaps a lion!

What about Betty White? Have you tried calling her up? She’s closer to your age than the vapid, blowsy twenty-somethings bouncing around in your mansion. (I know the vapid characterization hurt, but it’s true. Sorry!) Perhaps Ms. White has been waiting for your phone call. Who knows? Maybe a date with Hugh Hefner is on her bucket list, if she has a bucket list. Go ahead, call and make this old girl’s dream come true!

Good luck Hef! You have devoted a lifetime casting a discerning eye on the finer things this life has to offer - sex, fashion, cars, food — in short, any and everything to which modern man can avail himself. You also displayed an aptitude to discovering and developing the dreams and ambitions of the most beautiful women in the world. This is truly a remarkable talent you have.

Okay, maybe not as remarkable as finding a word that rhymes with pulchritude, but that’s Paul McCartney’s department. You can have the rest.

(Thank you for reading...um, the articles of course!)

A Gift for the GOP

2011-06-14T06:58:00.002-04:00

The talk among the old men in my cardiac rehab session this week is about the special treatment one particular Democrat is getting. The Democrat to whom they are referring is an obviously vain fellow by the name of Weiner. The cry I overheard by several of the fellows was along the lines of “Well, if a Republican did something like he did, he would’ve been out after one day.”

Of course, they say this forgetting about such Republican members of Congress like Larry “Wide Stance” Craig and Mark “Get Naked” Foley, but I digress.

I had hoped that the few words I devoted to Anthony Weiner’s serious lapse in judgment last week would suffice.* Unfortunately, these aspersions that my friends — and, despite their right wing leanings, I do consider them my friends — are casting on the whole of the Democrat Party cannot go unchallenged. Besides, there is a whole other dimension that the tsk-tskers of the GOP are failing to realize.

The point has been made many times over the years that each party has their own distinct monopoly when it comes to scandals. When Republicans are caught misbehaving, it is usually due to their lust for power satisfied by their sometimes unethical accumulation of cash. When Democrats are caught being bad, it usually involves the sometimes immoral pursuit of the opposite sex.

To paraphrase a hair shampoo ad campaign from the 1960’s, “Democrats have more fun!” That’s tradition, but this new trend of photographing body parts for transmission over public media has me stumped. I can’t see what the big attraction is; the old guys in my rehab session don’t get it; and mystery writer and part-time humor columnist Lisa Scottoline weighed in with the female point of view. Her verdict: many women can’t grasp the idea either.

From my own experiences, I can truthfully say that a beautiful woman has slinked up to me begging to see my privates nearly...oh, nearly once. However, in the dark corners of my repressed subconscious, it’s happened nearly...oh, but I digress.

So why is it done? Obviously, many people on both sides of the gender aisle have voyeuristic tendencies. Many times the offender is publicly embarrassed (usually on Facebook) and at worst may lose educational or job opportunities. This time, the offending party is a public servant, chosen by the people to represent their interests in the wicked, wicked cauldron known as “inside the Beltway”.

So why is this public servant still in office a full week after publicly disclosing that he did indeed photograph and transmit his genitals to various women around the country? Why indeed? Weiner has offered to enter rehab — the celebrated way to say, “Oops, I know I did something wrong, but I’m going to get rehabilitated and be a better person for it.” — but not resign. In other words, he hasn’t offered to fall on his sword, but just lean on it a bit until his hand grows numb. Many people do not believe that this offer is good enough.

Surprisingly, Weiner did not get much sympathy from his fellow Democrats: party leaders were calling for his resignation within a few days. Even President Obama is calling for him to step down. Also surprisingly, I haven’t heard much condemnation from the Republicans — you know, the guys and gals that are the majority in the House. Okay, so John Boehner made a few snide comments over the weekend, but otherwise there have been (to my knowledge) no calls for censure or public rebuke. Yes, pressure has been growing on Weiner to give up his seat, but when you’re arrogant and narcissistic, why should you care what others want?

So why hasn’t the Republican leadership been more demanding in their calls for his resignation? Because they know a gift when they see it!

The Republican leaders and their fellow travelers can utter his name every chance they get in the halls of Congress, on the television news shows (especially Fox News), on the conservative radio talk shows, and conservative blog sites as an example of how degenerate the Democrats are! They will talk about him every chance they get, keeping his name and his lurid story on everyone’s minds because surely he is a shining example of how truly evil and depraved the Democratic Party is.

Even better, Weiner will become a great fund raising tool! As long as the GOP believes they can use Weiner to milk their constituencies to build up their campaign war chests for 2012, they will make sure his name is on the lips and minds of every American voter. I realize that this is a cheap shot accusation to level at a major political party, but honestly I couldn’t resist the temptation to use the words “weiner” and “milk” in the same sentence.

Yes, my fellow Americans, we have not heard the last of this scandal, nor will we hear the last of it for a long time to come! You say you’re tired of hearing about this story? You say you’re so disgusted by all of the allegations that you just want this story to go away? That’s too bad!

Keep in mind 2012 is still six months away...and many of us are sick of it already! Do everyone a favor, Weiner! Resign...NOW!

*Snort Notes – June 2011

(Thank you for reading, and watch where you’re pointing that iphone!)

Snort Notes – June 2011

2011-06-10T07:22:00.002-04:00

DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSMAN ANTHONY WEINER CONFESSES TO LYING ABOUT SENDING X-RATED PHOTOS OF HIMSELF VIA CELL PHONE TO VARIOUS WOMEN AROUND THE COUNTRY

This celebrity sex scandal of the week could force Weiner from office. I’m sure that hurts enough. Knowing he may have damaged his relationship with his recently revealed to be pregnant wife probably adds to his pain. Still, neither of these events can compare to the humiliation he must have felt when he apologized to conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart for calling him a liar. Breitbart was the one who broke the story and, oops, by accident, released the offending photos to the Internet.

Wow, that cuts real deep!

No one believed Weiner’s previous explanation that his e-mail site had been hacked and, Lord only knows, he had no idea how those photos got sent to the women. First of all, what did he expect would happen after he shoved his camera down his crotch? Doesn’t he know by now that there’s no such thing as an honor system when it comes to keeping potentially embarrassing images and/or statements off the Internet? Speaking of embarrassing statements on the Internet...

NEWT GINGRICH LOSES HIS SENIOR CAMPAIGN STAFF WHEN THEY RESIGN EN MASSE

The presumptive Republican presidential candidate has had more missteps in his campaign in just 3 weeks than George W. Bush (remember him) had in 8 years as President. The departing staff members cited differences in what direction the campaign wanted to take. Apparently the campaign staffers wanted to work for a winning candidate, not one who regularly embarrasses himself just by opening his mouth.

Weiner should take notes from Gingrich’s style: ole Newt doesn’t need to shove cameras at his private parts to experience public humiliation.

Another seeming sore spot in the Gingrich camp is his abandonment of the campaign trail to go on a cruise to Greece with Wife #3. I can understand how Newt wouldn’t want to lose a vacation deposit had he kept his campaign on track, but still someone in his household screwed up. What were they thinking when they planned this vacation? Didn’t anyone think to pencil in the words “Running for President today” on their kitchen calendar? This is how he manages his private life? And he wants us to elect him to a position where he would tell us what to do with our lives?

What’s wrong with Newt’s picture, other than the fact it doesn’t involve stiff members clad in tightie whities?

POLITICAL STRATEGIST ED ROLLINS, SPEAKING AS A MEMBER OF MICHELE BACHMANN’S PRESUMPTIVE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, FIRES A VERBAL SALVO AT SARAH PALIN

Oh goody! Now in addition to the male strip tease in ring one, the clueless clown overdosing on chutzpah in ring two, we have a prospective fight between two mama grizzlies to complete our political three ring circus! This promises to be a fun-filled season for political wonks!

Both "ladies" have shown they know how to manipulate the media (Was Palin’s bus trip an actual issue raising event, or just a ploy to make money for her PAC?), but their intelligence in other areas is open to debate. Tea Party darling Bachmann lacks geography skills with her speech earlier this year that placed the beginning of the American Revolution in New Hampshire, not Massachusetts. Meanwhile, former Tea Party matriarch Palin displayed questionable knowledge about American history earlier this week when she insisted that Paul Revere warned the British that they were coming (I think they already knew that, Sarah) with bells clanging and guns ablazing.

One has to wonder with all these distractions if anything relating to policy will ever get accomplished in this country. Yoo hoo, politicos, over here! Yeah, remember us? We the people? You know, the ones experiencing high unemployment rates, high gas prices, and anxiety over your ability to solve the problems of the modern world? Oh well, they may not get the job done, but they sure as hell are entertaining.

(Thank you for reading. One lady whose intelligence I never questioned was Mary Kenny Badami. I may not raise a bottle of Heineken to her memory this weekend, but I will remember fondly her friendship and words of encouragement. I miss you, Mary!)

Paul Revere Who?

2011-06-07T07:20:00.002-04:00

Listen my children and you shall hear,
About the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
Or maybe not!

What was once accepted historical legend
Is now nothing more than stupefying hyperbole
That bends with the political wind!

It started with a bus tour by a woman named Sarah
Who once ruled a cold northern land; so barren
From the Aleutians to Point Barrow!

Now she’s found a larger stage saying things outrageous
Which won’t help her win political races
But just the same makes her sound so courageous!

Never mind the facts, she might cry,
A good story to tea party brethren should be a good story to all,
Only those with half a brain can see through the lie!

Thus, with a bus stop in Boston, she recounted the story of Paul Revere’s ride
Forget one if by land, scoff at two if by sea,
And create her own version with gaps in the truth that is Alaska-size wide!

Scores and scores of years ago, Longfellow spelled out the incident in rhyme,
His take could have been as questionable as a woman named Palin,
But school children believed his words; only historians could be heard wailin’!

So now we ask which is right?
Did Revere ride through the countryside,
Screaming and peeling bells through the night?

Sarah believes this version is true
How Revere warned the Redcoats,
And not the colonists clad in blue!

So arguments ensue in barrooms and blog rooms throughout the land
Who to believe — the actual events, or a children’s poet?
When it comes to America’s story, maybe we really don’t know it!

It doesn’t matter; Sarah’s work is done!
She has accomplished her goal to leave her name on everyone’s lips,
While she confounds those who want her to run!

So, proud of the confusion she leaves in her wake, Sarah rides into the sunset!
Her followers think, “So wonderful this woman, gallant and true!”
While her critics sigh, “My God! How much longer will we put up with this nut?”

(Thank you for reading! Now “dash away, dash away, dash away all!”)

Stupid Republican Tricks: The Saga Continues

2011-06-03T17:14:00.002-04:00

Well, once again we have another example of Stupid Republican Tricks, our ongoing continuing series of stories highlighting incidents that make members of the GOP look like stupid sacks of crap. As I embark on this theme again, I ask myself why. Why do these stories captivate the general public so much? Why should I, a lowly humble writer toiling away in the outer reaches of the blogosphere devote so much paragraph space to such idiotic events in our political world?

The answer to the first question would have to encompass the psychology of the masses, a collective primitive need to find fault in others so as to bring them down to our level of perception and/or our basest instinct to topple those from lofty heights down to where they can act like mere mortals such as us. In short, this is definitely master’s thesis territory. As to the second question, my answer is simple: it’s been a short stressful week at work, the antics of these professional politicians are too easy to pass up, and I’m working under a deadline.

Thus, we have the story of Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey, finding himself in hot water this week when he used a state police helicopter to fly himself and his wife to their son’s high school championship baseball game. Some witnesses to the helicopter landing and the governor embarking from the craft duly recorded the event for posterity or the Internet, or Tweetdom, or any number of other media outlets that need photos like these to fill the voracious 24/7 news cycle. Of course, Christie’s critics pounced on the story. After all, wasn’t this the man who has been so critical of the teacher’s union, so eager to let the havenots suffer the results of his state budget cuts, and so friendly to his rich buddies in the business world, now using state resources for personal use? The story made the governor appear to be a huge hypocrite.

The key word here is “appear”. Once again, a politician is caught in a situation that is politically embarrassing. It may be perfectly legal, but it may not be 100% ethical. In any event, Christie’s real problem is the perception among his constituents that he possesses a “Do as I say, don’t do as I do” mentality.

Advice to all future politicians and wanna be pundits: people hate this mentality! This whole incident could have been reported several different ways. It could have been written up for the masses with thought-provoking theories of power and abuse thereof. Or we could — in the spirit of the governor’s handling of the teacher's union, assume the role of school yard bully who resorts to name calling people with whom he doesn’t agree (i.e., the state's teacher's union is nothing more than thugs – I’m paraphrasing here) – reduce such a thoughtful examination to a string of raucous epithet shoutings that could devolve into an elementary school brawl.

Since the governor might want to be looked upon as leading by example, we’ll select option two. Besides, it’ll be much more fun than some stuffy discourse about abuse of power.

So anyway, Lord Pudginess is seen alighting from his taxpayer subsidized air ride and into a rented limousine — which itself was possibly written off as a reward from a grateful populace (not!) — where he rides 300 FEET (or 100 YARDS) to the baseball bleachers. WTF! The common rabble (i.e., New Jersey voters) would have made do by walking the last part of the journey with no artificial means of forward mobility. Also, the common rabble would have made the first part of the journey in a fuel-inefficient SUV! No fancy-dancy whirly-gigs for us, no siree, bob!

Just thinking of the gasoline that was used to tow his fat cat politician's girth is mind boggling! Let’s do the math. Let fr designate “fat rump”, multiplied by the upward draft of the motor blades, divided by the product of the mileage of an average helicopter trip, multiplied by the price of gasoline per air mile...and we soon see a formula which many professional mathematicians would determine to be truly unworkable. Okay, let’s forget the math and just revel in the sight of a huge man taking perhaps unfair advantage of his constituents who have seen their children’s educational opportunities savaged by the governor’s budget cuts.

Yes, this is hypocrisy at its finest!

Of course, the governor and the state have offered several explanations as to why the trip was not necessarily an extra expense to the taxpayers. There was the statement released by the state police that the helicopter would have been in the air anyway as part of its usual homeland security mission. Besides, this is a newer helicopter that must have so many hours of test flying before it can be deemed safe for everyday use. These arguments still didn’t sit well with Christie’s critics. Finally, the governor, tired of the controversy after a few days, ordered the state Republican Party to reimburse NJ for the cost of the ride.

So it appears there is a happy ending all around. The taxpayers get their money back, the governor is humbled and may double his efforts to watch his own back, and Christie’s critics in the media get lots of mileage from the story. Who could ask for anything more? Answer: we all will want more accountability from a government (state and federal) that appears to abuse their constituent's trust. Now the governor knows that many are watching his every move for the next stupid trick he pulls.

(Thank you for reading! Remember, when going to a sports event, consider taking public transportation. Christie probably wishes he had...)

Snort Notes – May 2011

2011-05-31T07:32:00.002-04:00

TORONTO’S COUPLE RELUCTANCE TO IMPOSE GENDER ROLE ON THEIR INFANT SPARKS WORLD WIDE DEBATE AND CONTROVERSY

Excuse me, did I miss something? Did I miss the reports that peace has broken out in all troubled areas of the world, like the Middle East? Does the United States enjoy a record setting 1% unemployment rate? Has home foreclosure become an obsolete concept in this country? Are all of our children fully guaranteed a full education from preschool through college? Is every man, woman and child also able to get the medical care they need regardless of age, employment status, or condition? Has any of this come to pass? If not, then WTF should we care how a couple decides to raise their child?

People, we’ve got too many other problems we need to solve. Yes, this news item is a distraction, but does it deserve worldwide Internet attention? We should butt out and concentrate on solving the problems in our own lives.

Besides, this couple won’t be the first killed early one morning by an ungrateful child who couldn’t learn to cope living in a world that demands rigid standards of gender conformity, and they probably won’t be the last. Yes, it's a tough room today! Moving on...

GASOLINE PRICES DROP AS THE SUMMER SEASON BEGINS, REVERSING A TREND THAT GOES BACK AS FAR AS THE AVERAGE MOTORIST CAN REMEMBER

This was good news on the economic front, as more companies report they are hiring, and most people agree that we seem to be coming out of the recession. Most people, that is, except for the banks who are still foreclosing on homes like nobody’s business.

Still, unemployment and foreclosure didn’t affect everyone, but gasoline prices did affect everyone. Various influences - uprisings in the Middle East interrupted oil production, some fallout from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill last year, and good old American greed to name just a few - contributed to gasoline prices climbing above the $4/gallon mark. Consumers were outraged, Presidential poll numbers plummeted, and oil company profits soared.

Then, an amazing thing happened. Free market economics responded when people simply stopped buying gasoline. Wow, what a no-brainer! Consumers changed their driving habits, rethinking and replanning daily activities in order to get the most efficient use of their fuel. Many people (mercy!) even resorted to taking public transportation more often.

Gasoline prices, which have traditionally hit an annual high mark just before the Memorial Day holiday, went in the opposite direction. They dropped nearly 30 cents/gallon (by my reckoning) in the last few weeks. By all predictions, the prices should have risen well above $4/gallon, but thanks to the buying power of the average American consumer, economic disaster has been averted.

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. American! You really can influence market forces simply by saying, “No thanks!”

FORMER HOUSE SPEAKER AND DEMOCRAT PAIN-IN-THE-ASS NEWT GINGRICH ANNOUNCES HIS RUN FOR THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012

Oh, Newt, must you torture us with your extremist economic ideas, those wild off-the-cuff remarks that send liberal media icons like Keith Olbermann into a fit of hysterics, and make the leaders of your own party reach for the Alka-Seltzer? Let me put it another way. When, Newt, will you just run away and join the circus?

Sadly, the circus will have to do with one less clown, as Newt sets his sights on a larger big top: the White House. Poor fellow is so deluded that he has a chance to capture the nomination! He doesn’t realize that all the baggage he has accumulated over the years — blame for a government shutdown, multiple marriages, and lots of public miscues, to name a few — just bogs him down and stops him in his tracks.

More recently Gingrich expressed befuddlement that his credit bill of $50,000 at swanky jeweler Tiffany’s created such a big splash in the media. He tried to turn the controversy to his advantage by pointing out that the debt had been paid and he was debt free. He was hinting that, hey, if he could do it, then every American could get out of debt.

No, Newt, that wasn’t the point. Americans want a leader that is decisive in times of crisis, but they also desire someone to whom they can relate. Most Americans don’t have a revolving line of credit at Tiffany’s worth $50 let alone $50,000. Also, Newt, we have since learned that your line of credit was interest FREE!

Naturally, you were able to pay it off because you’ve managed to make a lucrative living as a large hemorrhoid to one or perhaps both of the major political parties in America. In the real world, Newt, people would have interest rates of 25% or higher to pay off the gaudy baubles that Tiffany’s sells.

This little irritation of yours became another major flameout for Newt because people can’t relate to his lifestyle. Maybe I’m wrong and we did make a big thing out of nothing, like the Internet-osphere did with the Toronto couple. Or perhaps Newt has joined the circus after all. So, let’s indulge him for the next year and a half. We need the laughs, and lord knows those in the Big Tent can always use an excuse to take another bromo.

(Thank you for reading. Happy summer everyone!)

So The President Walks Into a Bar...

2011-05-27T06:08:00.002-04:00

Meanwhile, in a pub somewhere in Ireland...

BARTENDER: Hey, Sean! Come over here!

SEAN: Top o’ the mornin’ to you Frankie! What’s up!

BARTENDER: Look, Sean, I’ve got an important favor to ask you. We have a special visitor today and I don’t need your usual shenanigans in here.

SEAN: Frankie! Shame on you! What kind of stereotypical Irishman do you take me for? On second thought, don’t answer that!

BARTENDER: Please Sean! There’s a pint of Guinness on the house if you don’t do your usual carousing. Just don’t start any trouble, all right?

SEAN: All right, deal! Where’s your special visitor?

BARTENDER: He’s at the other end of the bar. It’s the President of the United States!

SEAN: Really now! What’s he doing here?

BARTENDER: Visiting his roots! He’s got family from this part of the country!

SEAN: Who? Him? He can’t have family from around here!

BARTENDER: Why not?

SEAN: Well, for one thing, he’s got a dark tint to his features, if you know what I mean!

BARTENDER: Aw, you’re daft! His kin lived here generations ago. It was his father what gave him his skin color. Here’s your pint!

SEAN: Bless you! I thought maybe he’d been out in the sun too long, that’s all! So, what’s his name?

BARTENDER: Obama.

SEAN: Obama, you say? A good Irish name!

BARTENDER: True, but he spells it differently. It’s O-B-A-M-A!

SEAN: Apostrophe!

BARTENDER: What?

SEAN: You forgot the apostrophe. O-apostrophe-B-A-M-A!

BARTENDER: That’s what I’m tellin’ you! He spells it differently. He doesn’t use the apostrophe!

SEAN: (indignant) What? Doesn’t use an apostrophe? What kind of an Irishman is he?

BARTENDER: Don’t start trouble, Sean!

SEAN: I’m not starting anything! What’s his first name? (TAKES A GULP OF BEER)

BARTENDER: Barack.

(SEAN SPITS OUT HIS BEER, FOLLOWED BY A LONG PAUSE)

SEAN: Barack!

BARTENDER: Don’t start, Sean!

SEAN: What’s his religion?

BARTENDER: What?

SEAN: Where’s he go to church?

BARTENDER: Funny you should ask! There’s a bit of controversy about that. A lot of his fellow Yanks swear up and down that he’s a Muslim. But if you ask me, I know for a fact that he attended a Protestant church when he lived in Chicago for many years.

SEAN: Protestant, you say? Oh, well, no one’s perfect!

BARTENDER: Don’t start, Sean!

SEAN: Now, let me get this straight! This man has dark skin, an Irish sounding name without an apostrophe, a Muslim first name, is a Protestant, and is President of the United States, yet he claims to have Irish blood in him?

BARTENDER: That’s right!

SEAN: (shrugs) If you say so! I’ll say this much for him. He can certainly down a Guinness like a true son of the Emerald Isle!

BARTENDER: Aye, he can do that! He’s had to quell a domestic dispute over beer at the White House, in fact!

SEAN: Is that so? (LONG PAUSE) Frankie?

BARTENDER: Yes, Sean?

SEAN: Did you happen to ask for his birth certificate?

BARTENDER: Sore subject, Sean! Don’t start!

(Thank you for reading! Please tip the bartender! And someone please help Sean get home!)

Post Rapture

2011-05-24T07:08:00.003-04:00

Please take a moment to contemplate the above title. It should be considered an oxymoron. After all, if everything had happened as prophesized, then I shouldn’t be able to be typing this right now. I should have fallen into a vast, fiery pit which would have consumed my body and soul. There shouldn’t be a post anything, in fact! No one to write the blog, no one to read the blog, no one to make the power to run the computer on which the blog is published, and so on and so on...

Fortunately, nothing of the sort happened. No cleaving of the planet, no fires, no floods, no big bang explosions which sent chunks of Earth to the nether regions of the solar system. So this week, the Monday morning quarterbacking — another event which would not have been able to happen if events on Saturday night had gone according to plan — has begun.

Again, fortunately, no one is questioning God why He changed his mind at the last minute. We might be pushing our luck if we did that. Instead, everyone is piling on the messenger, a lowly, humble, aging radio evangelist by the name of Harold Camping. Camping was the one who got everyone riled up. He calculated the end of days using the Holy Scripture. Then he publicized the event through his syndicated radio show. And, oh yes, he asked for donations from his audience. Many answered the call to the tune of — by MSNBC commentator Lawrence O’Donnell’s estimate - $70 million!

He used a good part of the donations to further publicize the end on radio and billboard ads all over the country. His predictions got even more publicity — this all free — from well-meaning news commentators, morning radio disc jockeys, late night talk show comedians, and just about everyone else. Naturally, most of this free publicity was ridiculing the good preacher.

So, what happened? Hell if Camping knows, no pun intended. He’s been described by his daughter as being “bewildered” by the end that didn’t happen.

Maybe his calculations were off. Perhaps he put a decimal point in the wrong place. Not for nothing, but as any mathematician will tell you, this could make a big difference. And by difference I’m thinking of 10,000 years more or less.

The problem is this is the second time Camping’s predictions have proven incorrect. Apparently he also said the Rapture would occur in 1993. We all remember 1993, don’t we? America was full of excitement for the man from Hope AK, economic times were improving as we rose from a recession, and a political villain by the name of Gingrich lurked in the shadows of the Capital. Now, America is giving higher than usual marks to our current President from Hawaii (an actual state in the United States), economic times are slowly improving as we rise from a recession, and a clown by the name of Gingrich lurks in the shadows of our collective political consciousness. The old adage is proven true again: The more things change, the more they stay the same, or something like that.

The disappointment of the Rapture also proves another old adage: “There’s a sucker born every minute.” Legendary American showman P.T. Barnum lived and breathed this philosophy. Currently, Camping is living proof of this! He does, after all, now have $70 million dollars to help console himself from the world-wide ridicule of his wrong prophesy.

Camping might as well face the truth. He is nothing more than an old-fashioned huckster who plied his brand of snake oil called “Rapture” to millions of gullible people who are normally intelligent, God-fearing Christians. If this is the case that he was sincere about his teachings, than Camping should take heart that sometimes things don’t go your way, even when God is involved. If, on the other hand, he only did all this for the money, then he should be ashamed of himself. Unfortunately, he won’t be the last one to take millions for outlandish promises. Remember, the 2012 Presidential election is only 18 months away!

(Thank you for reading. Enjoy life everyone! Camping could make a third prediction any day now...)

Recovering from a Bipartisan Marriage

2011-05-20T06:25:00.004-04:00

Their marriage was the envy of most mortals living in this imperfect universe. She is the product of a long line of liberal overachievers. He is — or was until this week — a favored foreign born son of the conservative right. Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger met, fell in love, married, raised a family, and made an improbable relationship work for over 20 years.

Now, it’s all over amid confessions of a past infidelity that produced a child over a decade ago. They have now separated and are working to rebuild their lives - separately. I don’t mean to throw oil on the fire, but I’d bet that in our cynical world, even Romeo and Juliet would have been hard pressed to gaze at each other longingly after spending 20 years together.

Granted, we all should have seen this day coming. I realize that it’s painful for Maria to admit that any reservations her family may have had about her relationship have proven correct. Grandpa Joe Kennedy would never have approved her marriage to a man with an “R” after his name. Of course, she can take some consolation from the fact that she made the relationship work for as long as it did. That should count for something.

Maria should do whatever she has to do to get over this emotional hump. Commiserate with her best buds, cry on Aunt Oprah’s shoulder, and/or have a blowout celebration marking her release from the suffocating grip of this Austrian muscleman. After all that, she might want to plan for what she’ll do next with her day-to-day activities. In other words, she should get a job. Restart her career. It won’t do to be part of a liberal overachieving dynasty and be unemployed.

Continuing with her volunteer activities is a good start, but she might also want to jump back into broadcasting. Let’s face it, Maria is still an attractive woman with, I dare say, many more of her most productive years still ahead of her. She still has her journalistic creds. The wide, wide world of television news reporting and commentary is totally open for her.

Maria could get a network anchor gig, or do commentary on MSNBC. (Fox would not be a good fit for her.) Or she could go the talk show route, but it might be a bit early to campaign for Aunt Oprah’s time slot. At this point, that might be seen as tacky. She should do this not only for her self-esteem and to rebuild her life, but do it because she’s a Kennedy! I’m not necessarily referring to the idea that the Kennedy name will automatically open doors for her — but it could help. Actually, I’m referencing the drive and ambition that her family has demonstrated for several generations.

This leaves us with...Ahnold.

I won’t lecture him on the virtues of keeping his pants on; as a male, I can appreciate the temptations he probably encountered on a daily basis. Still, the fact remains: he broke the heart of America’s political sweetheart. I hope he realizes the gravity of his situation.

Not only did he hurt his family, but he dissed a Kennedy! That’s the clan that is the closest thing America has to royalty. The ex-governator may want to watch his back. After all, you never know if some of Grandpa Joe’s cronies from Prohibition days might still be lurking around in the shadows of our society.

Ahnold, you were a high profile celebrity, political figure, and hero worshipping icon to a generation of body-builders everywhere. You were leader of one of the largest states in the union and, not for anything, a representative of the party that advocates family values. I should point out that you have fallen into the same trap as some of your other Republican brethren, i.e., adopting behaviors that would find them starting more than one family. (See Newt Gingrich) Remember, the concept is called “family values” not “families value”.

Just because you married into the Kennedy family didn’t mean you were obliged to emulate the lifestyles of the clan’s male members (no pun intended). History has shown that the Kennedys did many notable things for America, and we should be grateful that we are the beneficiaries of their achievements. On the other hand, the private lives of some of the Kennedys were complicated and, um...shall we say, messy? To put it delicately, these Kennedys lived life to the fullest. (Wink wink nudge nudge! Know what I mean? I think you do!)

My point here is that there were lessons to be learned from all their activities. Their reputations have been stained by the revelations about their private lives. These lessons apparently did not make an impression on you, Ahnold! Now you are suffering the angst of your ego-driven activities, and many may believe that your angst is well earned.

So forgive us, Ahnold, if for the immediate future America takes Maria and your family to its bosom, while we act with revulsion at the mere utterance of your name. Don’t worry, this reaction won’t be permanent. We all know how fickle the American public is. We all know all will be forgiven once you get a few more Terminator sequels in the can. That should make everything all better!

(Thank you for reading. Insert Schwarzenegger line about “I’ll be back blah blah blah” here.)

The End (Again)

2011-05-17T17:34:00.002-04:00

Haven’t we been here before? By here, I mean all of us minding our own business when we are subjected to tales of the end days by the really, really true believers. This time, global apocalypse is scheduled for this Saturday, May 21. No set time has been publicized, so everyone may want to check their local listings for when everything ends.

Actually, the end has been coming in dribs and drabs all year. Armageddon came for many Japanese earlier this year with an earthquake, which resulted in a tsunami and a nuclear plant meltdown. Economic end times are approaching for the American Midwest, as millions of acres of farmland are flooded to control the waters of the Mississippi River surging on major population centers in lower Louisiana (i.e., New Orleans and environs). The instability of regimes in the Middle East has given Nostradamus’ prophecies some credence, while also raising gas prices that threaten our slow economic recovery and President Obama’s high poll numbers.

Oh well, at least we got Osama bin Laden.

Blame or credit the Mayans or Nostradamus for this, but in the end it doesn’t matter. So while our mutual destruction may only be days away, we should probably use the time wisely to get our affairs in order. After all, there is a 50-50 chance that the true believers are correct.

To that end (no pun intended), let’s list our remaining days with a set of goals we could all achieve. We must pause, rethink our priorities, and reset our endeavors to rationalize whatever existences we had on this Earth. Herewith is a day-to-day list of suggestions — complete with weather forecast — for the rest of the week:

TUESDAY, MAY 17

Rain, rain, and more rain, high 67F. Thirty percent chance of apocalypse.

Sleep in, turn over and think over missed opportunities, overdue deadlines, and relationships that went awry. And oh yes, get out and vote! It’s Primary Day!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18

Torrential rain, high 68F. Fifty percent chance of final judgment.

Write a long overdue thank you note to the Westboro Baptist Church, for it appears that they were right all along. Suggest to them that when the Earth splits in two and the blessed are cruelly, painfully separated from the damned by an angry, jealous God, they should have the pleasure of reaching Rapture first. Yes, they should get the privilege of being first in line, since they worked so hard for it. After they’re gone, the rest of us can party again like we did two weeks ago when bin Laden was killed.

THURSDAY, MAY 19

Mostly cloudy, thunderstorms, high 74F. Seventy percent chance of total annihilation.

Call loved ones, gather family together to laugh, cry and share the joys of life one more time. Hmmm...I should send this to the Hallmark Corporation for an “end of the world” card idea.

FRIDAY, MAY 20

Mostly cloudy, high 74F. Ten percent chance of Armageddon.

This is everyone’s final chance to do something that they won’t be able to do again: procrastinate. If you’ve never done this time-honored human tradition of putting off actions and priorities, this will be the last time you can do it. Choose your final act of procrastination wisely!

SATURDAY, MAY 21

Cloudy, spotty showers, high 76F. 100 percent chance of Rapture.

At some point today, the world will split apart, the righteous will rise to the heavens, while the damned and procrastinators party away. Some of will us burn up with fires from the sky and many of us will drown from rising waters below. At the very end, the partiers will cry out in a mixture of agony, ecstasy and derision as the world implodes and disintegrates in a fashion that would make Industrial Light and Magic envious. Whatever is left of humanity at this point — our achievements, our civilizations, our high-minded goals of peace and brotherhood which we could never get around to accomplish in the millions of years of our existence — will be reduced to dust that drifts and swirls away across the universe.

SUNDAY, MAY 22

Sun and clouds, high 79F. Trace chance of really bad things happening.

(Thank you for reading. “...and I feel fine!”)

Thank You Notes

2011-05-13T19:53:00.002-04:00

Dear Florida:

We, the railroad riding public living in the northeastern section of the United States, want to thank you from the bottom of our carryon bags for turning down the federal money offered to you for high speed rail in your state. Now that money will be spent on upgrading our high speed rail in the Northeast Corridor! We just can’t believe the luck we are having because of your short-sighted policy!

We’re not so proud to anxiously take advantage of this wonderful opportunity that you have foolishly passed up. Soon we native Philadelphians will be able to travel up to New York City in the blink of an eye. We can go shopping, museum hopping, maybe even attend a Broadway show, and still be back home in time to catch Dancing with the Stars. You, on the other hand, will be stuck in your little hamlets in your very big state filled with lots and lots of tourists, alligators, and AARP members!

We understand why you refused this wonderful gift from the Obama administration. Your governor said that your wonderful state couldn’t afford to invest any money into high speed rail, even though it could bring jobs and more economic prosperity to you. The rails could have linked employers with wider pools of talent, widen a tourist's ability to see more of your state beyond Mickey Mouse Land, and gosh darn it all, it would have created many construction jobs just to build the damn thing!

Now that we think about it, your position seems so funny and ironic. When the Bush administration — who, like your governor, is Republican — tried to privatize the nation’s railroad system by entering into partnerships with each state, the states balked. It seems they didn’t have the money then either. Now, when a small group of Republican governors came to power last year in Florida, Ohio, and Wisconsin, they were also offered the chance to become economic partners with the federal government for railroad investment. You would think that, since this partnership was originally a Republican idea, that your governor would jump on board (no pun intended). Alas, your state still doesn’t have the money, and now the federal government is taking the money and spending it elsewhere.

This makes us in the Northeast very sad! No, on second thought, just kidding! We’re gloating over the idea of using money meant for someone else! Wow, we can’t believe our luck!

Oh, they just called for last boarding for our train! Well, gotta go! We don’t know where we’re going, but we’ll get there very quickly on our new railroad system!

Once more, thank you again for being too dollar wise and penny foolish with your ideas about economic investment. Good luck with all of your tourists, alligators, and old people! Sorry if you feel bad about us rubbing this in your face, but you know you can just eat our concrete rails!

Yours Truly,

Northeast Railroad Passengers

*************************************************

Dear Ohio:

We, the railroad riding public living in the northeastern section of the United States, want to thank you from the bottom of our carryon bags for turning down the federal money offered to you for high speed rail in your state...

CC: Wisconsin

DISCLAIMER: The preceding notes were not endorsed by the National Association of Railroad Passengers (NARP), any and all other transportation lobbyists, their vendors, or Amtrak.

(Thank you for reading! Toot toot! Woo woo!)

The End of the Intermission

2011-05-09T06:37:00.002-04:00

Hello, everyone! In case you haven’t noticed, I have not posted any entries in over a week. Did you miss me?

Most likely, you didn’t even notice I was gone, did you? That’s okay, because I know a lot went down since April 26. A birth confirmation, a royal wedding, and an assassination, and each event had major world-wide historical significance.

By the way, just in case you’re wondering why my blog went on intermission last week...well, let’s just say it was combination of factors. I may or may not have had a serious shortage of topic ideas to write about due to my settling into my new job. Or it may have had something to do with my computer being in the shop for over a week. In any event, my computer is back with new and improved memory, my transition back into full time employment is going smoothly, and recent events have given me so many ideas to discuss.

Let’s recap the days of April 28-May 1, 2011; each one will be long remembered throughout the history of mankind for years to come.

APRIL 28 – PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA PRODUCES THE LONG FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE TO ONCE AND FOR ALL SILENCE THE CRITICISMS FROM THE BIRTHER CONSPIRACY THEORISTS WHO INSISTED THAT HIS PRESIDENCY WAS ILLEGAL.

On one level, this action had to be hugely embarrassing for Obama. The whole episode reminded me of a child coming home from school and having to face his parents with an unsatisfactory report card. Consider this: Obama was the first man — out of 43 - serving in the White House forced to furnish proof that he was born within the United States border, making him an American citizen who is eligible to hold the office that a majority of Americans elected him to serve in an election two years ago.

Why him? Why not the other 42 men? The only difference I can see between Obama and the other men is — major “duh” moment coming — skin color. There! I said it! I’m not trying to cause trouble, but I’m just saying. Now let’s move on, damn it!

APRIL 29 – PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON MARRY IN LONDON, ADDING MUCH NEEDED VARIETY TO THE ROYAL GENE POOL.

These once in a generation affairs are, of course, a wonderful event to celebrate. It is significant for the happy couple, their families, but also civilization in general. It is happy events like this wedding that could ultimately change the course of future world history. In any event, stay tuned...

APRIL 30 – SATURDAY AND ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED!

Okay, I may have been a bit optimistic when I pronounced this four day period as having great historical significance for mankind. Maybe people were recovering from making merry at the Royal Wedding the day before, or maybe it was just a rough work week for mankind in general, but whatever the reason nothing of historical note happened on this day. Maybe we can get a refund or at least partial credit for April 30, because we definitely did not get full value for our history dollar.

MAY 1 - AMERICAN FORCES LOCATE AND KILL AL-QAEDA LEADER OSAMA BIN LADEN.

The news was announced late Sunday night by the president himself, who got the added satisfaction of interrupting Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice to tell the world that Bin Laden was dead. That in itself was a major high-five moment, given the fact that Trump had been riding the president’s butt about his birth certificate for weeks. Obama trumped Trump! Booyah!

Bin Laden’s death was celebrated with questionable taste by many people living in the West. To be fair, people in the free world had built up 10 years of paranoia and terrorist-weary tension. So they took to the streets immediately and carried on like it was New Year’s Eve. Who could blame us infidels, right? I mean besides those in the Arab world who revered Bin Laden.

The spontaneous demonstrations of joy were if nothing else another example of human nature overtaking humanity’s sense of common decency. Of course, we all know that none of us should ever feel so superior over another human being that we can be justified to dance on their graves. We’ve all heard that such an attitude diminishes all of us. We all know that such thinking is un-Christian-like and very, very bad karma.

On the other hand...we are talking about Osama Bin Laden. This is the guy who master-minded the greatest massacre of Americans on American soil in American history. In the years since, he made it quite clear that he didn’t like us, he hated our guts, and — I can’t help noting this — he never sent us a Christmas card! He never wanted to negotiate peace with us; he plotted and advocated for our destruction. Here again, human nature with its attendant idea of self-preservation overruled any hopes we may have had — if ever — to love this enemy as we love ourselves.

It was the negative side of human nature - namely fear, hatred, and intolerance - that is the true enemy of mankind that worked against both sides in this grand drama of global history. That made the cultural gap between us and Bin Laden too wide and too deep for any one generation of mankind to bridge. This realization shouldn’t discourage us from trying harder to bringing all cultures closer together for everyone’s mutual survival and happiness.

Unfortunately, Bin Laden’s ideas were an obstacle that had to be overcome.

Fortunately, his ideas are already losing favor with the new generation of militant Muslims who have risen up against the dictators in the Middle East in what history will henceforth call the Arab Spring. Of course, Bin Laden’s death will almost certainly lead to a new round of retaliatory attacks from another group of militant Muslims - al-Qaeda. At least this time, we’re better prepared than we were on September 11, 2001.

Overall, I have been ambivalent about Bin Laden’s demise. I am relieved of course that he can no longer work to destroy us, but I didn’t feel the need to jump up and down in ecstasy. Truth be told, I was already in bed when Anne Marie told me the news. I just said, “Okay,” turned over, and went back to sleep. In retrospect, I probably should have gotten up and watched the historic announcement on television, but deep down I realized that, in our 24/7 news cycle, I would have ample chance to relive the moment over and over in the days to come.

Thus it happened that the curtain closed on Act One of the War on Terror. Our intermission is now over as well. Time to move on to Act Two with all its attendant intrigues and plot twists that will enthrall and depress us as we move through our daily cycle of rituals which we call our lives. For now, we can mourn or rejoice however we choose that one of our boogeymen won’t harm us anymore.

(As always, thank you for reading. Sorry Janey, we’re fresh out of cucumber sandwiches!)

Tea Time

2011-04-27T07:09:00.002-04:00

There was an interesting article in The Philadelphia Inquirer recently about the British tradition of taking tea in the afternoon. The location was curious: the help wanted section in a Sunday edition. There was no byline, except a small note that the article was put together by the advertising department. Obviously they didn’t have enough job ads to fill the space, but that’s a trivial observance.

Being an unemployed person (at that time) I read this and thought, “Okay, I don’t have a job, you people can’t find enough employers to place job ads in this space, and yet you believe I have the financial resources to purchase the silver service, finger food, stationary for the invitations, supplies to make hand-crafted doilies, and all of the different teas I’ll need to do a proper high tea?”

There are several reasons why there will never be a tea event at Chez Gunther.

First, there is the matter of finger food — usually defined as cookies, small baked goods and maybe (if you’re real good boys and girls) cucumber sandwiches! Anne Marie’s idea of finger food is a Fiestaware plate full of toaster pastries (untoasted), but she will be more than happy to give any of her guests the finger if they ask, “Yo, Anne Marie, where are the cucumber sandwiches?”

I repeat: tea event at Chez Gunther, not happening!

Second, we are hardly afternoon tea people. As an example, the article described some of the little niceties (see “doilies” above) the host can offer to display the proper ambiance. Ambiance, now there’s an interesting word. I doubt that I could pronounce the word correctly. When properly used — by someone speaking fluent Main Line — it should be pronounced “um-bee-aunts”. Someone like me raised in the Greater Northeast (specifically Frankford/Upper Kensington) would pronounce it “am-bee-ants.”

To review again: no um-bee-aunts at Chez Gunther. Lots of ants, but no aunts.

Third, if you think your choice of finger food is limited, then you won’t like our choice of teas. No green tea, Earl Grey, or oolong. It’s decaffeinated orange pekoe or nothing, bucko!

Fourth, who the hell in a blue collar household has the time to polish the silver service? More to the point, who the hell in a blue collar household OWNS a silver service? The spoons offered here would be plastic: carefully chosen, saved and accumulated over the course of twenty years of office parties, back when I was employed. As for drinking implements, we use Fiestaware mugs! Not dainty tea cups, but real he-man mugs that can hold a full cup of liquid refreshment! No frou-frou porcelain here!

Oh, and what would we discuss over our biscuits and orange pekoe? The idea that “The Donald” is actually mulling the idea of running for President in 2012? A lengthy discourse on how the poor in this country just don’t get it when it comes to the sacrifices of the rich, who need to hoard every little cent they have for job investment that has yet to materialize? Or the idea that cucumber sandwiches — the kind with the crusts cut off — are getting harder and harder to find? Puh-leeeze!

So, friends, neighbors, and blog readers, do not expect an invitation to high tea from us anytime soon. I know it’s been a tough year for invites, as I expect that many of you were also disappointed at not receiving an invitation to the Prince William-Kate Middleton nuptials this weekend. I didn’t receive one either, but I’m okay with that. Given my pithy dismissal of doilies and notions of am-bee-ants, I doubt that I would fit in anyway.

(Thank you for reading! Happy Birthday to my little brother this week!)

Another Bored Easter Child

2011-04-22T07:52:00.002-04:00

I know I’ve written about this subject before*, but it is that time of year once again to contemplate the trials and tribulations of a small segment of American society. We all know to whom I’m referring. It’s those people who are very adamant — some would say stubborn — about their life, their feelings, their beliefs, and who are very determined to express their ideas as loudly as they can. Some might believe that these traits are signs of immaturity, but this is something that society as a whole is willing to overlook.

No, this is not about the Tea Partiers. It is about the small children everywhere who don’t understand the true meaning of Easter. And after reading this entry, they still won’t know the true meaning of the holiday, but at least they’ll know that we empathize with their feelings.

We understand more about their lives than they realize. We know how tough their lives are. We know, for example, they spend most of their days crying and screaming at their clueless grown-up humans living with them about their every little need. Why don’t these adults understand that you are the center of the universe? Honestly, children, I am just as puzzled as you are.

I know you have a long, tiring week what with eating, pooping, sleeping, and torturing your little sister (who thinks that SHE is the center of the universe). There’s no denying that you work hard all week keeping up this schedule. The one thing you look forward to is sleeping in on Sunday mornings with your arms caressing your best buddy (a stuffed animal you call Boo Bear) and a binky in your mouth.

Truth be told, my young ones, many adults share this same vision of a Sunday morning with you. They also look fondly towards a gentle morning rising from bed with something warm and soft next to them, and many also have something in their mouths, but they don’t always refer to that as a binky. I can’t go into any more detail about this now, but as you grow older you will understand. But I digress...

Unfortunately, this weekend is the one weekend of the year that you won’t get to sleep in on Sunday morning. Christians all over the world celebrate this Sunday as Easter, the holiest day of the year! The anniversary when their recognized Lord and Savior rose from the dead. It is a most joyous time!

Now you may wonder what’s so joyous about getting yanked out of bed, forced to put on some cutesy little outfit complete with something to adorn the head and a matching pair of footwear with bells on the front, then paraded in front of a bunch of adults who shriek in high-pitched voices, “Awww, look at the little dickens!” My answer to your puzzlement is, “Hell if I know.” I truly feel your pain.

You are further puzzled when the best explanation these same adults can give you has something to do with a huge boulder rolled out of the way, and somebody’s missing from their final resting place. If you were a little older, you might suggest that they should look for Indiana Jones, who (if your memory serves you correctly) makes a living from breaking into graves, taking museum quality relics out of these holes, and back to civilization. However, you don’t know the right words to communicate this idea. So you just sit there on those hard wooden benches which are not ergonomically correct as they curve around your backside and up way over your head and stew.

This is probably why some wise adult many years ago thought up the idea to make the Easter holiday a bit more attractive to your youngsters. “Let’s make this holiday more for the children,” this adult said. “Let’s give them colorful eggs to play with! And sweet candy to eat, and let’s give a cute fluffy little animal dominion over this entire holiday! And then the children will rejoice with the rest of us!” And somewhere all of his/her words were written, and everywhere it was done.

Unfortunately, there are consequences about each of these icons of the Easter season. The oil used to make the plastic eggs could probably be put to better use fueling our vehicles, as the adults of the world watch the price of gasoline climb out of sight. The candy served up on Easter morning can cause serious health risks if the child overindulges. The Easter Bunny too is questionable: many times he is not small and cuddly, but portrayed as a full size adult. The last time a six foot rabbit was so adored he was the object of a fictional character who was a hallucinogenic alcoholic, but that was way back when comedies about hallucinogenic alcoholics were considered politically correct.

At some point on Easter morning, young child, you will make peace with all of the fuss your adults have made over you. They will fill you with chocolate until your tummy is full and the remnants of your candy orgy are smeared all over your face. You’ve suddenly forgotten about the rude awakening you got that morning and you’re satisfied.

Then you see your little sister — all dressed up like an ornate china doll in something frilly, passed around among the adults, and she is crying the entire time — and your satisfaction is multiplied. She is miserable! Adding salt to the wound, you notice that her binky has fallen out of her mouth and onto the ground. At this point you smile and say to yourself, “Yes! This is going to be a good week!”

*The Bored Easter Child, 4/10/2009.

(Thank you for reading and Happy Easter!)

The Push-up Career Enhancement

2011-04-19T07:14:00.002-04:00

If I had to do it all over again, I would get breast implants rather than a college education. Obviously, large breasts not only garner attention, but also endless financial security.

What I am saying has been known by many people for a long time: large breasts = power. They have the ability to make the most intelligent of heterosexual males drool like babies, and make other women who otherwise have wonderful attributes (example: brains) envious. Everyone knows this, but so few people have the chutzpah to make this argument in such base, blunt, and admittedly shallow terms.

Monty Python noted this in a sketch about a contest in which participants have to summarize the writings of Marcel Proust in fifteen seconds or less. At the sketch’s end, the judges throw in the towel and award the prize to (their words, not mine) “the girl with the biggest tits”. It was a funny way to make a very gloomy point about success.

Unfortunately, there are times when the fiction of a television sketch becomes reality. Such is the case of one Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. This young woman has become famous simply for appearing on an MTV reality series. I have never seen the series, but it’s impossible in the 24/7 media cycle to not encounter the amply endowed Snooki.

I don’t know very much about her. The only discernable skill set that she has is her possession of huge bosoms, the ability to stand at a bar and drink like a fish, and speak in a language that would make sailors turn white as a ghost! Yet she recently “earned” $32,000 for a speaking engagement at Rutgers University. The event went well by Snooki standards. Reportedly she advised the packed house to “Study hard, but party harder”.

Note to Rutgers University: you got ripped off!

To recap: millions of Americans with more marketable, profitable skills are out of work while Little Miss Bouncy-Bouncy makes an amount in one night that would take me an entire year to earn. Even more tragic, there are many Americans who will never realize this amount within one calendar year. In a phrase, this inequity is not fair, but such is the celebrity worship society which we’ve become.

This brings me back to my solution for my financial opportunity problems: large breasts. Oh, I can see the whining now from the critics — mostly women, I assume — now. They’ll say, “You’re a guy who doesn’t need breasts to succeed. Besides, you don’t have the right set of chromosomes. Your body might reject them. Also, they’ll clash with your salt and pepper mustache”. I will admit that these are all valid points, especially the last one. I may have to finally ditch the upper lip hair that I have carefully grown and trimmed since I was a teenager.

Even as I contemplate this radical form of career enhancement, there is hope in the news that Rutgers has had a case of buyer’s remorse with Snooki. A few in the college community are lobbying to have New Jersey’s favorite son, Bruce Springsteen, appear at a university event for free in some misguided thinking that it will make up for the Snooki fiasco. Actually, they’re rubbing salt in the wound by devaluing The Boss!

Snooki is worth $32,000, but Bruce is worth zero? What kind of justice is this? After all, Springsteen has been a major influential artist since the mid-70s. He is considered by many to be a rock icon, while many others put him on the same plateau as God. Geez, at least accord him some respect! At least offer him an honorarium which he might not need, but at least he could make a gesture of offering the amount to his favorite charity.

How will The Boss regain his dignity after this offer from Rutgers? I think I know. Hey, Bruce, think breast implants...

(Thank you for reading. Here’s hoping that someday society will judge success by ability and talent, as opposed to man’s baser instincts. Yeah, right, good luck with that philosophy...)

Snort Notes – April 2011

2011-04-15T07:16:00.002-04:00

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES PASS 11TH HOUR BUDGET DEAL ALLOWING FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TO REMAIN OPEN. BOTH SIDES NOW SET SIGHTS ON NEXT BATTLE — THE 2012 BUDGET.

Republican Congressman Paul Ryan began the next battle with his proposal to replace Medicare with a voucher system which will allow seniors to purchase their own plans from private insurers beginning in 2023. In his own budget salvo, President Obama announced that he would revive his proposal to eliminate the Bush era tax cuts for those making over $250,000 per year. House Speaker Boehner has already answered that Obama’s tax idea is a “non-starter”.

Translation: look for a lot of hand-wringing in the halls of Congress, back room political intrigue, cries of outrage from the American heartland, maybe some bloodshed on the streets, a lot of sweat from the White House, and tears (mostly from Boehner) which will all culminate in a budget deal same time next year. By the way, Mr. House Speaker, if Obama’s tax plan is a non-starter, then your pal Ryan's Medicare hocus-pocus doesn’t even get the key near the ignition! So, nanny-nanny-boo-boo!

WISCONSIN SETS A NEW RECORD OF SEVEN TORNADOES WITHIN A SINGLE DAY

I don’t want to sound like a liberal version of old-and-in-the-way evangelical Pat Robertson, but I can’t help noticing that this meteorological event happened only a few months after Governor Scott Walker shoved a bill through the state legislature that effectively ends collective bargaining rights for unionized public workers. I realize that it is a physical impossibility, but what if...what if these tornadoes were actually acting on behalf of the unions. What if union workers somewhere in the state burned Walker in effigy and raised their voices to the spirits of Joe Hill and Samuel Gompers in the same way that Moses beseeched the heavens to rain down misery on the Pharaohs.

It is very possible that soon Governor Walker will be visited by several union “associates” (not thugs) who will attempt to make the governor see the error of his ways: “Morning, governor! Nice state you got here! Yes, very nice. So what’s your main industry? Cheese, milk, and Packers fans? Oh, then you depend a lot on your cows, don’t you? Gee, it would be a shame if your cows suddenly got sucked up into the vortex of a sudden meteorological event, wouldn’t it?"

Wow, linking political union busting with natural disasters is definitely Pat Robertson territory! Divine retribution indeed!

SEARCH FOR MISSING PROSTITUTE ON LONG ISLAND YIELDS REMAINS OF 10 OTHER WOMEN

This might be a bad time to bring this up, but what the hell! While the authorities continue their search for the handiwork of a serial killer, it behooves me to remind them that Judge Crater is still missing. Just saying...

VARIOUS CONSERVATIVE LEADERS START DROPPING STRONG HINTS THAT THEY WILL SEEK THE REPUBLICAN NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012

Romney’s in, and so is Huckabee. Santorum is “testing the waters” to raise money for a campaign. Palin and Bachmann have been teasing their base, but not committing one way or the other. The Donald is keeping his name out in front by hammering away at the Obama birther issue.

Stephen Sondheim summed up the current situation best when he wrote, “And where are the clowns/send in the clowns/don’t bother, they’re here.”

(Thank you for reading! Okay, kids, your assignment for the weekend is to Google Joe Hill, Samuel Gompers, and Judge Crater.)

Ideological Follies of 2011

2011-04-12T07:33:00.002-04:00

Once again, Americans witnessed that our democratic form of government DOES WORK!

We saw this when members of Congress negotiated with the Obama administration to finalize a budget deal on April 7 with just hours to spare before a threatened government shutdown. In the afterglow of the agreement, both sides claimed victory. One concept which undoubtedly contributed to the deal was probably not given enough credit. That concept, of course, is otherwise known as — conservative Republicans, please avert your eyes — compromise!

The self congratulatory mood peaked on Friday night, but gradually gave way to the expected Sunday morning griping on the weekly network news talk shows. Suddenly, no one seemed happy. Most of the groaning came from the Tea Party camp, who complained that not enough was cut. Then, adding insult to injury, Planned Parenthood survived the budget axe.

Defunding Planned Parenthood was one of the Tea Party’s pet projects. They argue that government should not be funding an organization that performs abortions. They see it as a taxpayer subsidized infanticide.

The problem is their argument is superfluous. The bulk of Planned Parenthood’s activities are focused on cancer screenings, mammograms, and birth control for poor and/or disadvantaged women. It has been pointed out countless times that abortions represent only a small fraction (something like 3%) of Planned Parenthood’s job. And, oh yes, it has also been emphasized until all liberals were blue in the face that the organization is barred under federal law from using these federal funds for abortions.

No matter to the Tea Party! They don’t care if it’s 3% or 100%! None of the good Planned Parenthood does for female health and hygiene counts as long as they also do abortions. Talk about throwing the baby out with the bathwater! That’s right child, they’ll fight for your right to exist up to the moment you slide down the birth canal, but as soon as you exit the womb, you’re on your own!

Someday soon, even the hard-headed individuals populating the Tea Party will tire of this ideological piss battle. When they do, we have a few suggestions that they can rail against to waste their time and energy. Many of us would group these ideas under the heading “immutable facts”. Just do us a favor, Tea Party, leave the adults out of your little childish tantrums. After all, the rest of us have a country to run...

1. The sky is blue.

2. The Hyde Amendment — named after the REPUBLICAN congressman who sponsored it — prohibits federal funds being used to provide abortions. (Apparently, we can’t emphasize this fact enough.)

3. President Obama’s birth certificate has been available for inspection on the Internet for over three years. (Another fact that can’t be emphasized enough.)

4. Elvis has REALLY left the building.

5. Fish gotta swim, and birds gotta fly.

6. Seriously, Elvis left a long time ago.

7. SPOLIER ALERT: “The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.”

8. ANOTHER SPOLIER ALERT: Sorry, #7 isn’t as immutable as we thought. It should read, “The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.” Again, sorry about that!

9. Rosebud is a sled.

Tea Partiers: I dare you to argue these points!

(Thank you for reading. Does anybody know what the hell a flagon is?)

Buyer Beware

2011-04-08T07:07:00.002-04:00

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS A WORK OF SATIRE AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR AN ACTUAL BUSINESS EVENT

Time is running out! America, the United States of America, must close its doors by midnight tonight! And everything must go!

Nothing held back! Vast natural gas resources in the northeast! Unlimited opportunity for oil reserve exploitation along the coasts and in the extreme upper northwest! In between, manufacturing belts, a hard-working middle class, more mineral resources and of course the classic “amber waves of grain”.

We repeat, nothing held back! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Act now! The biggest, the best, real estate on the planet! Prime developed land in the northeast and all along the east coast! Just ripe for maximum return on investments! Similar investment opportunities exist on the west coast, but hurry, before the next earthquake strikes! And once again, in between there are huge tracts of residential and agricultural property that are guaranteed to bring fantastic economic advancement to any buyer!

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up to the biggest, best deals ever offered! Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Is this it? Is this all you can offer — land and rocks? Is that all you have to show for over 200 years of democratic experimentation?” We answer, “No, of course not!” There is more, much, much more!

Of course, America’s most precious resource is its people! Americans come in a variety of shapes and colors, but they all have one thing in common. They all share a willingness to do anything to live life to the fullest, dedicating their toils to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, not just for themselves, but for all who share their philosophy.

This wonderful cache is available in lots according to race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, and political philosophy. Blacks, whites, Christians, Jews, men, women, straight, gay, liberals, conservatives and so many, many more varieties! These lots can sliced up, divided up, broken apart, and remixed together with other lots to meet every conceivable investment goal.

Now, I must warn you, there are conditions related to this sale. You must allow the people within these lots to pursue their own economic goals...this is not a slave auction! Allow them to make their own living and pay a small tribute to you, and you’re in business.

Here’s just a sampling of what’s available. Strong-willed, dye-in-the-wool blue Democrats available to the highest bidder from any reputable business conglomerate or interest group. Ditto for strong-willed, patriotic, red Republicans! But wait! There’s more! For the bargain hunters, we are now offering the most fervent, die-hard political philosophy ever seen in the United States. You know who I’m talking about! That’s right...Tea Party Republicans available now! For this group, we will accept your best offer for the lot!

Hurry! Operators are standing by now to take your orders! Financing available to all! Conditions and restrictions apply! Remember, this once-in-a lifetime opportunity ends at midnight, and everything must go!

This sale has been made possible by persistent budget wrangling between Congress and the White House! So hurry, act now! Make your deal, before they reach their deal! Their loss is your gain! We repeat, everything must go!

SECOND DISCLAIMER: MR. GUNTHER IS NOT AUTHORIZED BY ANY FEDERAL, STATE, OR LOCAL AUTHORITY OR ENTITY TO SELL OFF ANY LAND, RIGHTS, PROPERTY, OR PEOPLE CONTAINED WITHIN THE PHYSICAL, GEOGRAPHICAL, OR PHILOSOPHICAL BOUNDARIES OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IN WHOLE, PART OR WILLY-NILLY. BUYER BEWARE.

(Thank you for reading. Remember...satire, satire, satire!)

Wish We Had Your Problems, Maine!

2011-04-05T07:08:00.002-04:00

The assault on middle-class workers right to organize has been gathering steam in many state legislatures. Unions are beginning to fight back, but it promises to be a long battle. Most of the fights have been connected to state budget deficits, and in those cases the issue has some merits. State legislators in Wisconsin and Ohio have been eager to divine other results from their portrayal of unions as the big, bad wolf of the public sector.

Then there is the case of Maine, where the fight hasn’t been linked to a money crisis, but is rather more cosmetic. Here, the governor, acting on a complaint in an anonymous e-mail, has ordered that a mural in the state’s department of labor be removed. The mural depicts various images of Maine’s labor history such as factory workers, working children with lunch pails, people engaged in various industrious pursuits, and strikers on a picket line. Allegedly the e-mail complained that the mural was anti-business and compared it to a propaganda technique used by North Korea.

NOTE OF FULL DISCLOSURE: until this issue appeared in newspapers, I had no idea that Maine had any industry at all. Without the benefit of in-depth internet research, I can think of only two products for which Maine is known: lobsters and Stephen King novels. Indeed, if this were true, then why does the state of Maine need a department of labor at all?

This issue leaves me with a variety of feelings. I can understand why Governor Paul LePage wants to make his state more business friendly. More business naturally means more jobs, more prosperity, and more tax revenue to pay down rising state budget deficits. As a historian, I am pissed off! How dare this man deny a vital part of his own state’s history! LePage invites the risk of repeating the mistakes which made the rise of unions possible in the first place.

I also can’t help noting that LePage shares a physical quality with such other freshmen Republican governors Chris Christie and Tom Corbett. To put it diplomatically in Mystery Science Theatre 3000 parlance, these gentlemen are “doughy guys”. This is a much nicer term than describing their physique as ranging anywhere from “pleasingly plump” to “morbidly obese”. NOTE OF FULL DISCLOSURE: anyone who knows me personally can attest to the fact that I have been to the trough more than a few times myself.

My point is that LePage and his colleagues contribute to the public’s perception that they are fat cat businessmen who can live off the fat of the land. They are playing into the Daddy Warbucks stereotype, which doesn’t elicit much sympathy from the everyday middle-class worker who struggles to put food on the table or keep a roof over his head. In this context, the whole issue is silly.

LePage himself has come off as abrasive with his blunt governing style. So far, he has riled civil rights groups when he refused to meet with members of the NAACP for Martin Luther King Day, telling critics that they could “kiss my butt”. He has also installed one of his children as an assistant to one of his advisers complete with a $41,000 salary, a $15,000 benefit package, and a $10,000 housing allowance, according to Wikipedia. I will be very surprised if LePage gets a second term as governor.

Fortunately, there are now some signs of sanity on the issue. A group of eight state senators — Republicans, no less — have written a letter rebuking the governor’s rash decision to remove the mural. The governor himself reportedly has expressed concern that his order caused so much controversy.

Now it appears that the action will cost Maine some bucks. The federal government has notified the state that removal of the mural violates a funding agreement between the two levels of government. The fed's message: put the mural back up or pay back the federal money you used to commission the work of art. Stay tuned for further developments...

At first glance, it appears that Maine has no more pressing problems than the meaning of a painting. I only wish the rest of us had problems this trivial, but unfortunately that is not the case. The state has, as one report stated, 50,000 unemployed people. Governor LePage should stop playing art critic/interior decorator and put his energies in getting his people back to work. After all, not everyone is able to trap lobsters or write horror novels.

(Thank you for writing. Please remember, wall decorations depicting historical events are more interesting than a bare wall.)

Meanwhile, at the Liberal Media Anonymous Therapy

2011-04-01T07:16:00.002-04:00

Counselor: Okay everyone, let’s get started. Once again, welcome to the Bonzo Memorial Institute for Right Wing Media. Today, we’d like to discuss your union tendencies. Let’s start with...you! Yes, you! Stand up and tell us your name.

Arteejee: Um, hi, I’m Todd and I...I am a product of collective bargaining.

Counselor, Liberal Media Members, and Bloggers United, Local 5117: Hi Todd!

Arteejee: I realized this while I’ve been reading about all these state governments trying to bust their public unions. At first, I was on the union’s side and their struggle to keep their basic right to negotiate wages, working conditions and benefits. Then I thought back on my life and I realized how I had been affected by unions. My father was a unionized meat cutter for Acme Markets. He had learned a good trade and his wages all came about due to collective bargaining. As soon as he could he transferred to another local in upstate Pennsylvania, and despite the fact that he had to take a pay cut, he was still able to raise my brother and I in an environment away from the city. He did this, and was able to help me get through college, all because of the money he made from the contracts his union negotiated for him. It felt great at the time, but now...now I feel so ashamed of myself...

Counselor: Keep going! You’re doing fine.

Arteejee: But then I realized something else about myself. All the time that I was enjoying a privileged middle-class lifestyle with all the food I could ever want, a roof over my head, Christmases with all the gifts I could ever imagine, and a college education, I forgot about some very special people. I forgot about the business leaders of this great nation, the wonderful industrialists and bankers and capitalists who made this country what it is today. All that time I thought of them as the archenemy of the working class, the oppressors of labor everywhere who would stop at nothing to keep people like my Dad in their place.

Now I know that they were really the oppressed. Burdened down with heavy taxes and crushing government regulations from above, then tortured by the bleeding-heart trivial complaints from their own workers below. These people were the true patriots of our free market system!

Did their employees appreciate their struggles? Could they know the heart-pounding pressure of waiting for a quarterly stock portfolio report while swilling gin and tonics in high leather-backed chairs like many executives have to do year in and year out? Do they feel the anxiety that their employers have to endure because they are forced to wait beyond their scheduled tee time because there’s a jam up on the back nine? Hell no, of course not!

But now I know about their hardships and I appreciate what they’ve done for this country. Meanwhile, the workers snivel and whine. God, they make me sick!

Did you see what the legislators in Maine are doing? They’re rolling back child labor regulations, and I say it’s about time! Why should young people under the age of 16 have it so good? Let them taste the bitterness of working long hours for less than minimum wage. It’ll be a great experience preparing them for decades upon decades of demeaning work for a barely livable rate per hour. I’d like to see them strike about that!

Liberal Media Members: Traitor!

Counselor: You hush! Go on, Todd.

Arteejee: All I can say is Thank you right wing media for allowing me to see the light. I can see that unions are truly distrustful, socialist organizations. I didn’t come to this conclusion on my own. I had help from people like...well, like Rick Santorum, who taught me that our abortion culture is having a negative effect on maintaining a good supply of labor that keeps our country prosperous. He convinced me that women shouldn’t be trusted to make decisions about their own lives. Honestly, it really is common sense to allow total strangers the right to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies.

Oh, then there’s Michele Bachmann! Isn’t she adorable? I just admire the way she confounds the lame stream media with her unique perspectives on American history. Claiming that the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire, and then blaming Barack Obama for an incandescent light bulb regulation that was actually signed by George W. Bush caused the liberals to have apoplexy! She is absolutely a genius, a sheer genius!

Then there’s Sarah...the divine Sarah! Did you hear her criticism of the President’s speech on our military participation in Libya? She invented a new way to pronounce the word skirmish; she called it “squirmish”. No, I’m not making this up. The way she modifies the English language is breathtaking. She really is our very own William Shakespeare.

Oh, oh, oh, and how can I forget Newt Gingrich? I can’t believe how lucky we are to have such a giant intellect in our midst! He loves this country so much that he is warning us that we are heading towards a...oh, how did he put it, oh, yes...a secular atheist society ruled over by Islamist extremists! This man is brilliant...a prophet who can foresee the disastrous end result of our liberal ways!

Counselor: Well, Mr. Gunther, your testimony is very impressive. I see that our therapy here has had a positive affect on you. I believe you’re ready to give up your union tendencies.

Arteejee: Do you really think so? I’m glad you said that, but I haven’t told you the best part yet.

Counselor: What’s the best part?

Arteejee: APRIL FOOL!!!! Joe Hill lives! Joe Hill lives! Come on everybody!

Liberal Media Members and Bloggers United, Local 5117: (laughing and chanting) Joe Hill lives! Joe Hill lives!

Counselor: (sighs) Security! Please take Mr. Gunther back to his cubicle in the Glenn Beck wing.

Arteejee: Glenn Beck? I love Glenn Beck! (maniacal laughter) Hahahahahahahahahahaha...

(Thank you for reading. Seriously, I dreamt I saw Joe Hill last night...and he wasn’t in New Hampshire!)

Elizabeth Taylor: A Survivor’s Tale

2011-03-29T07:13:00.002-04:00

The loss of two great artists last week demonstrates the inequalities of newspaper obituaries. Of course, it might not always be a fair comparison. Not everyone lives their lives precisely the same way to justify the additional column space to recount their existence.

As our first example, the influential playwright Lanford Wilson, whose writing since the early 1960’s resulted in such gritty urban dramas as The Hot L Baltimore and small town family angst fests as Fifth of July, died last week. His plays were briefly mentioned, with nary a word devoted to his personal life. This brings us to our second example: screen goddess Elizabeth Taylor. In our feeble attempts to capture Taylor’s life with mere words...where does one begin?

Let this be said now: all of the articles and tributes published about Taylor reflect the fact that she lived a long, full life. How full? She was an Oscar-winning actress, iconic film star with a rocky personal life that expanded the boundaries of tabloid news reporting, cosmetics entrepreneur, and last but certainly far from least, humanitarian.

Elizabeth Taylor was the last of what we may consider to be the old-school movie star. As a point of reference (and reverence), think of her fellow colleagues in this school: Cooper, Bogart, Tracy, Hepburn, Wayne, and Monroe, among others. Her longevity in show business — from her breakout role in National Velvet (1944) to guest shots on television up to 2001 — certainly attests to a large quantity of work. In between there was magnificent quality — A Place in the Sun, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? — with which she enriched our culture and, in turn, she was rewarded with two (out of three) Oscars for her acting achievements.

Naturally, the obituary writers could not downplay Taylor’s personal life. Indeed, there was so much to cover that our local newspaper devoted a second article just to her marriages. The reports recounted all of the details of all eight of her marriages to seven men. In my reading of these accounts, I have concluded IMHO that, in addition to several high-profile friendships with gay actors (Montgomery Clift and Rock Hudson), Taylor had two great loves: Michael Todd and Richard Burton.

Fate cheated Taylor and Todd out of God knows how many years of happiness when he died in a plane crash. Burton was lucky enough to be invited back to her marital bed, even after their divorce was final. They married again, and concluded again, that a contractual living arrangement couldn’t work for them.

In between the marriages, there were bouts of grief, scandal, alcohol binges, and ultimately recovery. The American movie-going public exhibited a love/hate relationship with Taylor throughout it all. The public loved her as a teenage actress in Father of the Bride, wanted to scratch her eyes out when it appeared she stole Eddie Fisher from Debbie Reynolds, warmed up to her sympathetically when she had a near fatal bout of bronchitis (indeed she felt her Oscar win for Butterfield 8 was more for her illness than her performance), then turned on her again when she began cavorting scandalously with Richard Burton during the filming of Cleopatra. Sometimes it seemed like Liz couldn’t win for losing! Fortunately, all of the tabloid columns and condemnations would fade from memory as Taylor moved from this second act of jet-setting materialistic debauchery to a third act of redemption.

In her later years, Elizabeth Taylor devoted more time to humanitarian causes, chief among them raising funds and awareness for HIV/AIDS research. Oh, she was still hounded in the press for a few more marriages, stints at the Betty Ford Center, and hospitalizations, but they seemed to take less importance when she became a leader against a disease (and its corresponding prejudice) that nearly decimated an entire generation. The results must have been gratifying to her: satisfaction in waging a war against AIDS; her reputation restored to one of high esteem; a humanitarian award from the Academy, and made a Dame of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth.

All these details from her life make her succinct suggestion for her own headstone inscription — “She lived” - seem like a massive understatement. More than anything else, Elizabeth Taylor was a survivor. Could we have asked for anything more? I seriously doubt it.

(Thank you for reading. Rest in Peace, Liz.)

Another Reason to Take the Train

2011-03-25T06:58:00.002-04:00

Did you ever hear the story of the CEO of a large conglomerate who was faced with a labor crisis one day? It seems that experienced workers of one particular skill set for one of the CEO’s subsidiaries was threatening to walk off the job if management did not negotiate with them for a new contract. The CEO acted quickly by not negotiating at all and firing the entire lot. The subsidiary immediately hired inexperienced workers for a highly specialized, highly stressful job, and it’s a wonder to this day that there weren’t more incidents with loss of life due to the turnover of experienced workers.

The fired experienced workers: air traffic controllers. The CEO: Ronald Reagan.

Now — nearly 30 years after Reagan dismissed the unionized workers — there is a news report of an air traffic controller falling asleep on the job at — irony of ironies — the airport named after Ronald Reagan!

The incident happened around midnight one day earlier this week when two flights were unable to establish contact with the control tower at Ronald Reagan National Airport near Washington, DC (actually located on the southern edge of Arlington, VA). Normally the tower would have a full staff of controllers to guide the flights down, but since Reagan National has reduced air traffic after dark due to noise restrictions, the staff is comprised of one flight controller. One and only one! Uno! Single! Sole controller working the night shift who drifted...off...to...sleeeeeep...

Meanwhile, high over the monuments and edifices of democracy in Washington, two sets of pilots were probably wondering what the hell was going on. They couldn’t reach the control tower through normal radio contact and they couldn’t know if any other flights were ahead of them in landing. Their options: contact the next nearest control center forty miles away; or wake up the sleeping passengers on their respective flights and order them to all yell as loud as they could all at once in hopes that this might wake the controller up; or just crash into the Potomac River with the hope that the cacophony of screaming sirens from hundreds of emergency vehicles rushing to the river might rouse Sleepy from his late winter hibernation!

(Speaking of hibernation, I feel compelled to go off topic very briefly with a personal message to Phil from Punxsutawney, PA. Yes, I mean you, you demented little rodent! You better be in the Witness Protection Program, because there are hundreds of people literally gunning for you after we had snow showers this week, five days past the beginning of spring! Who awarded you a degree in meteorology? Reagan should have fired your flea-bitten butt years ago when he dumped the air traffic controllers! Six weeks more winter, my ass!)

Meanwhile, back at the airport...

So the pilots did contact the nearest control center which could help them up to a point, and they did announce to the passengers that they were circling the airport until they could get clearance to land. Both flights were able to land safely by maintaining radio contact with other pilots in the area so that they could coordinate their actions and land safely. However, that isn’t the end of the story.

The Federal Aviation Administration has vowed a thorough review of procedures for overnight landings. The FAA has already helpfully suggested that there should be no fewer than two controllers on duty at all times. Some critics have also helpfully pointed out that this won’t solve the problem necessarily, because then the probability exists that both controllers might fall asleep due to lack of activity.

One solution around this might be to arm both controllers with very sharp instruments so as to poke their drowsy buddy into alertness. If one poke doesn’t do the trick, then by all means, try harder thrusts multiple times. The other person will have to wake up sooner or later, or bleed to death. Okay, so there are still some details to be worked out on this plan, but it might yet prove to have some merit.

As of now, the air traffic controller has been suspended. I wouldn’t be surprised that — in the very near future — he is given lots of time off to catch up with his sleep. And by time off I mean the type of free time that Reagan gave to those other air traffic controllers a generation ago.

Whatever happens — disciplinary actions, upgrading of air traffic control systems throughout the nation, etc. — it will all be for the good and safety of the air traveling public. Some day soon, passengers and pilots will be able to fly in confidence to the nation's capitol, secure in the knowledge that they will land safely when they hear an alert, highly-caffeinated voice from the control tower of Ronald Reagan National Airport say, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Washington, DC”. At that point, the horrified pilot will look at the co-pilot and say, “Aw, shit, Hal! We overshot Minneapolis again!”*

*Please see blog entry: “Meanwhile, Somewhere Over Minnesota...or Wisconsin...or...?” 11/09/2009.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember if you have to go, go Amtrak!)

Snort Notes – March 2011

2011-03-22T07:23:00.002-04:00

SENATORS AL FRANKEN AND RAND PAUL HAVE BECOME PERSONAL FRIENDS EVEN THOUGH THEIR POLITICAL BELIEFS ARE WORLDS APART

Minnesota Senator Al Franken, considered an extreme liberal, has become close friends with tea party fave Rand Paul. The friendship began when Franken, believing he was following Senate etiquette, phoned to congratulate Paul on his election to the Senate shortly after the November election swept Republican conservatives back into the majority. Franken has since conceded that he was mistaken about the etiquette, but no matter. Both men are holding steadfast to their beliefs even as they enjoy a camaraderie that many people wish would happen more often in the halls of power.

Okay, let’s get this out of our system now. WTF! What is the world coming to? Liberals consorting with conservatives! OMG!!! It’s the end of the world as we know it! This is terrible! This is horrible! This is wonderful!

While it is perhaps premature to start a registry for the two men at Macy’s (they’re close, but not THAT close), it will be interesting to see where this relationship will go. Who knows? It may be the beginning of a new era where poisoned rhetoric and action are abandoned in Congress and, more importantly, something could actually be accomplished for the good of all Americans.

I do hope some others inside the Beltway are noting the Franken/Paul relationship. Please take notes John Boehner, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Eric Cantor. Watch these two carefully. You might learn something about the proper way to serve the people.

ANN COULTER DISMISSES NUCLEAR THREAT IN JAPAN BY CITING A STUDY WHICH STATES THAT LEVELS OF RADIATION HIGHER THAN ALLOWED BY LAW ARE GOOD FOR YOU

In the wake of the disastrous earthquake and tsunami to hit Japan, pledges of relief and assistance have been pouring into the country. As the waters from the flooding are receding, survivors are locating and removing bodies. Search and rescue missions are ongoing with a few success stories. Over the weekend, an elderly woman and her grandson were found alive after nine days. It is wonderful that they survived, but I doubt if the child will want to spend another weekend at grandma’s anytime soon.

One major complication was the explosions and threatened meltdowns at nuclear power plants in the area. Nuclear workers have gone to the reactors at a great risk of their health to contain the radiation. Concerns have been raised about radiation levels found in food and milk. In short, the Japanese are experiencing a lot of difficulties just now, so the last thing they need are some idiotic pronouncements from some right-leaning bimbo that heightened levels of radiation are good for you.

First question: what university or other institution of higher learning in their right minds would award a degree in nuclear fission to Ann Coulter? What makes her an expert in this highly specialized level of energy management? Doesn’t she realize that in the past severe nuclear radiation poisoning has been proven to cause a variety of cancers and other ailments?

Oh, right, the fact that she is a paid commentator on Fox News makes her an expert on absolutely everything! She knows that large doses of radiation are healthful, that Al Gore is a “total fag”, and that communicating with liberals should be avoided as much as possible. Unfortunately for society at large, all of her rhetoric is protected once again by the First Amendment. Fortunately for Ann Coulter, stupidity is not a capital offense.

BERLIN ZOO LOSES THEIR PRIZED POLAR BEAR

Knut, the cuddly polar bear cub abandoned by his mother only to be raised by loving, nurturing zoo keepers at the Berlin Zoo, has died. His loss is being mourned by his keepers and his fans throughout Germany and beyond. In the four short years the world knew him, Knut burrowed a place in the hearts of animal lovers everywhere.

His popularity didn’t hurt the Berlin’s Zoo bottom line either. Attendance spiked when the cub’s remarkable story went viral on the Internet. Increased attendance receipts and the resulting merchandising of Knut souvenirs was an economic boon for the zoo. Knut may be gone, but his popularity will likely live on in the shape of cuddly, fuzzy Knut dolls.

His fans are consoled by the fact that Knut’s passing was quiet and quick. He didn’t die from the old Gestapo illness: shot while trying to escape. Nor did he choke on a knockwurst while ogling a cute cubette at a local beer garden.

Okay, calm down! I’m sorry, but I just had to get that out of my system.

In all seriousness, rest in peace, Knut.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember exposure to excessive radiation can also lead to extreme lightning of hair follicles, brain loss, and an increased incidence of saying really stupid things. Hmmm...that explains a lot!)

The Firing of Beethoven and Big Bird

2011-03-18T06:47:00.002-04:00

In the near future, children may not learn their numbers from a tall, gangly creature covered in yellow feathers on their television screens. Similarly, such obscure beautiful melodies as Beethoven’s Fur Elise or Dave Brubeck’s Take Five will cease to be heard over the nation’s airwaves. Why? It’s certainly not through a sudden change in popular tastes, but rather because a large deficit is being used as a good excuse to score big points with an extremely narrow-minded political ideology.

The Republican-led House is set to do something they’ve been hoping to do for years: get rid of the Public Broadcasting Corporation. This has been a fantasy for them since the Clinton Administration, championed at that time by none other than Newt Gingrich. Now, it seems their wish is closer to becoming reality under the guise of cutting federal spending.

Since its inception by the Public Broadcasting Act of 1967, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (and its affiliated networks Public Broadcasting Service and National Public Radio) has been required by law to follow a “strict adherence to objectivity and balance in all programs or series of programs of a controversial nature”. Unfortunately, this pursuit of balanced programming has been perceived by many lawmakers and pundits as leaning too far to the left. Conservatives see little reason for the government to fund what they believe to be liberal-biased and superfluous programming.

The argument against Public Broadcasting in the 1990s pointed to cable television's rising prominence offering a number of networks (e.g., The Learning Channel, Arts and Entertainment, etc.) that duplicated PBS’s programming. It was a considerable challenge for public broadcasting advocates to counter this argument, but nonetheless they were triumphant. PBS survived the controversy then, and in some respects public broadcasting has remained true to its mission. In the meantime, the cable channels that were touted as its replacement have been seduced by the insatiable demand for sensationalistic "reality" television shows.

Today, conservatives argue that PBS and NPR will survive without public funding. Perhaps they might survive, but not in their current form or without a shift in focus. In actuality, the federal government funding represents only a small portion of the money used to operate public broadcasting television and radio stations throughout the country. The bulk of operating funds are donated by corporations, foundations and individual viewers.

This argument reminds me of a question asked during a broadcasting class I had at Bloomsburg University some years ago. Someone asked our instructor, Bill Kelly, (currently President and CEO of WVIA, the PBS affiliate in northeastern Pennsylvania) if public broadcasters would consider accepting advertising revenue like all other media to support their operations. Kelly replied, “In a heartbeat!”

His answer demonstrated the broadcaster’s frustration with depending on government funding and pledge drivers to keep their stations operational. Likewise, viewers also loathe the weeks of broadcast time devoted every year to “banging the tambourine”, but the dependence and pleas for dollars are a necessary evil to maintain public broadcasting's unique character.

PBS has long broadcast programming that would never see the light of day on commercial television. The reasons are many and varied, but most often this happens because there is not enough demand for the performance of a Mozart concerto or a Ken Burns documentary to make it economically feasible for broadcast on the commercial networks who insist on making a profit. Although, to be fair, if PBS had to support the lifestyle of a performer like Charlie Sheen, then they would also probably require a profit.

However, public broadcasting is a non-profit venture, and American society is all the better for it. Without public broadcasting, many of us would not be familiar with the theories of physicists Stephen Hawking or Dr. Carl Sagan; a generation of Americans would not know who Monty Python is; and God only knows how many children learned to read and count on Sesame Street. Likewise, National Public Radio provides unique forums for local and national public affairs programming; a showcase for artists performing in such wonderful, but otherwise commercially unviable, genres as classical and jazz music; and introduce listeners to other forms of entertainment, such as opera.

Yet all of these benefits are lost on conservatives who think only in terms of dollars saved, and the subjugation of ideas with which they disagree. If public television had to resort to selling actual commercial time to operate, then the schedule would become a dumping ground for programming with the widest (read: most profitable) appeal to audiences with the lowest common denominator. The PBS stations would become susceptible to the whims of the marketplace as dictated by the almighty Nielsen ratings. Public broadcasting would be forced to abandon its enriching mission to cater to viewers who may not be literate and/or appreciate the beauty of Beethoven’s work. That would be a pity, but apparently it is an outcome which many conservatives see as a worthy goal.

Let’s hope public broadcasting wins this latest assault on their honor.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember education — even through the media — is an investment, not a luxury.)

Who’s Who on The Unemployment Rolls

2011-03-15T07:32:00.003-04:00

Quick personal update: I am still unemployed, but I did have an interview last week. I thought it all went well, but I am still waiting to hear from them. This happened among several encouraging signs that the unemployment rate has started trending downward. I am also encouraged that the recession has affected more than just the middle class. As examples, I will cite several recent high profile additions to the unemployment rolls, and one who is literally committing murder to keep his job.

Job Loser #1 – RONALD MCDONALD

It finally happened! After nearly 50 years, the fast food giant has retired their happy-go-lucky corporate symbol. In job severance parlance, the company has decided to “go in a different direction”. Apparently the success of their lattes has gone to their corporate heads so much that now McDonald’s wants to move away from their core business of fast food. Gee, they couldn’t have decided this, say 40 years ago, when they used every trick in the book to convince an entire generation of American youth that there was a great future in being morbidly obese! Anyone who knows me will attest that I swallowed this argument hook, line, and McCheeseburger.

So it is with heavy cholesterol-laden-arteries that we bid farewell to another of our childhood memories. Good bye, Ronald! Farewell to your hamburgers that swayed in the breeze from their patch on our Saturday morning television screens in the 1960’s. Adios, H.R. Pufnstuff rip-off Mayor McCheese, with your human body, very large cheeseburger head (the original cheesehead) and Ed Wynn voice. Good riddance to Grimace, you purple blob pile of I-don’t-what-and-I-don’t-even-want-to-think-what-you’re-made-of-considering-you’ve-been-around-all-that-food-for-four-decades-or-so!

Job Loser #2 – CHARLIE SHEEN

Sheen is a television actor with the second largest ego in the universe (for largest ego, see Job Loser #3 below). Here is a man who had it all — a steady gig in a business not well known for supplying steady gigs that paid him $2 million (yes million) per episode of Two and A-Half Men. He was literally on top of the world with large mansions, a large drug habit, and a couple of female buds who may or may not be prostitutes/porn stars.

So how did he become unemployed? His sitcom is still very popular and wasn’t canceled. Gross misconduct? Hmm, we’re getting warmer. Embarking on a loud campaign denigrating his bosses as maggots, crapping on the entire industry before demanding a raise to $3 million per episode? Bingo! Hey Charlie, way to commit career suicide!

I wonder how long it took the producers to decide that they wanted to “go in a different direction” from Charlie Sheen. I suppose the debate could have gone something like this: “Gee, billions in syndication residuals, but he called me a maggot! Billions in syndication residuals...but he called me a maggot! Billions in syndication residuals...aw, the hell with it!”

Do not cry for Charlie, Argentina, or anyone else for that matter! Charlie will find work again, even if it is just his photograph in your favorite dictionary illustrating the definition for the word “asshole”.

Job Loser #3 – MOAMMAR GHADAFI

Actually, the plucky mass murdering dictator is still employed — despite my earlier prediction. Unlike some people who know they are not wanted when they get their notice (for example, moi), Ghadafi can’t take the hint. He is not being very gracious at all by staying on, killing thousands of his countrymen, and trying his very best to plunge his country into civil war.

Ghadafi’s arrogance just edges out Charlie Sheen for largest ego award!

We can’t stress this enough, Moammar: it’s time to go and call it a career. Retire before any more embarrassing information comes out about you, like the fact released by one of your former ministers that you ordered the Lockerbie bombing. Actually, all of us figured that one out a long time ago, but it was still satisfying to find out that our suspicions were correct.

All of this violence and killing cannot be good for his resume. How will all of this look when he goes on a job interview? Well, that interview might go something like this:

Human Resources: So, Mr. Ghadafi, I see you were at your last job for what, 40 years. Why did you leave?

Ghadafi: My people, they loved me, but they wanted me to leave. So I killed them! I killed them good...by the thousands.

Human Resources (after a long awkward pause): Okay, well, they probably had it coming to them. (Chuckle.) Anyway, where do you see yourself in five years, Moammar?

Ghadafi: I see myself ruling over my people...with a benevolent iron fist!

Human Resources: Benevolent iron fist?

Ghadafi: I will love them, or crush them underneath my iron fist...with benevolence, of course!

And so on and so on...

Attention to Human Resources people everywhere who have to put up with the Ghadafis, the Charlie Sheens, and the Ronald McDonalds of the world: you have my deepest sympathy.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember pimping fatty burgers to children, partying life away on blow, and mass murder do not a career make!)

Are Republicans People?

2011-03-11T07:08:00.002-05:00

Members of the Grand Old Party truly perplex me. One-on-one they show many times how they deeply care for their fellow man. They are financially generous to charities and donate much of their time and resources to their local community. I myself have been the recipient of several charitable actions from those proudly professing to be Republicans, and I am grateful for their help.

This makes my personal dilemma all the more vexing. As individuals, Republicans are wonderful human beings, but once they gather as a large group in the Big Tent, they seem eager to cultivate a contradictory image. They rail against many institutions within the federal government that benefit the population at large. More recently, they seem intent on diluting educational, economic, and health care opportunities for those less fortunate in American society. They seem content to follow the Ebenezer Scrooge pronouncement “Are there no workhouses?” as a motto.

I want to stress this main point: Republicans are caring people with an image problem. Submitted as Exhibit A:

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett, who just this week released his state budget proposal. True to his word, the budget contained no state tax hikes and slashed spending, mostly in education and mental health care. The big losers would appear to be local school districts (who will end up raising their tax rates to make up for Corbett’s cut), local municipalities (ditto), poor families who dreamt of sending their children to state universities which will now most likely hike up their tuitions out of the reach of these families, and mental health patients who may rely on state programs for help. The big winners: the Marcellus shale drilling industry, who will not have to pay any extraction tax because they contributed heavily to Corbett’s campaign.

This last point is doubly painful to recount: such a tax could go a long way to bringing the state budget back into line. I don’t know if I can even consider Corbett a governor of anything. He appears to actually be a highly paid lobbyist for the drilling industry who just happens to live in the Governor’s Mansion through the graciousness of the state’s electorate.

Further evidence of his ambivalence to the downtrodden was his allowing a health care plan for poor working Pennsylvanians, Adultbasic, to lapse without objection. The best he could offer the poor was a plan which cost three times as much while offering less coverage than Adultbasic. Corbett had already shown his true colors on health care reform earlier when he joined other states in their lawsuit against President Obama’s plan.

He hasn’t demonstrated to me that he wants anyone to have health care coverage. He doesn’t want the federal government to oversee health insurance and he doesn’t want his own state to have anything to do with it either. This sounds cruel, and may not be true, but to what other conclusion can I come?

Exhibit B: Governor Scott Walker finally got his precious anti-union bill through the Wisconsin legislature which will drastically restrict union’s member’s right to collective bargaining. He did this without the Senate Democrats returning from their self-imposed exile in Illinois. The great/horrific event happened through procedural maneuvering by the Senate Republicans. Wisconsin’s unionized public workers will now be unable to bargain for anything beyond a wage increase within the rate of inflation.

Winners here are the Koch Brothers who bankrolled Walker’s gubernatorial campaign and many other tea party candidates throughout the country. Big losers: workers trying to keep their heads above water in harsh economic times, and in general the people of the state of Wisconsin, who up until now were living in a democracy. Sorry, Cheeseheads, but your belief in a representative form of government was just an illusion.

Unions have vowed to fight the law in the courts, but for now the Republican leaderships in several states are claiming victory. Enjoy the moment, Big Tenters! The backlash against your prioritizing money over the needs of the people will be swift. If only the charitable feelings of individual Republicans could overcome the extremist ideology of the whole party, then we might have a better place for everyone to live.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember round one of this fight is over, but the bout has a long way to go.)

Children’s Book Titles I’d Like to See

2011-03-08T17:02:00.002-05:00

In the midst of my ongoing sorting out of boxes that have been sitting untouched in the back of my closets for 10 years (or more), I found my stash of How and Why Wonder Books. For those of you born in the Reagan era (i.e., 1980 or thereafter), these were short books geared towards children ages 4-8, or so Wikipedia says. The series focused mainly on the sciences, but there were occasional titles reaching into history and social studies.

I loved the books in the series, but somehow I only managed to collect perhaps 20 of the possible 70 in the set. They covered a great amount of material written in a fascinating style, but I realized something when I re-discovered my collection. The series had a broad variety of subjects, but a 70 book series cannot possibly cover every subject about which a sophisticated child of the 1960s was entitled to know.

To remedy this situation, I make a modest proposal of How and Why titles which should have been published, but for some reason or another never made it to the coloring book end cap display at my local Woolworth’s. For example:

1. The How and Why Wonder Book of Controlled Substances – defines, describes and discusses such terms as “roach clip”, “lid”, and “junk”. Also answers such classic questions as “What makes a ‘trip’ bad?”

2. The How and Why Wonder Book of Vietnam – discusses the Tet Offensive, Vietnamization, and other concepts of the conflict in language so simple and direct that eight year olds everywhere will finally understand why grandpa is so effed up!

3. The How and Why Wonder Book of The Sexual Revolution – explores the explosion of new mores discovered and experimented with in the swinging 60s. This title would also have detailed discussions of homosexuality, transgender issues, Stonewall (the bar), and why actions that today would be considered sexual harassment were actually tolerated.

4. The How and Why Wonder Book of The Watergate Scandal – everything an eight year old ever wanted to know about the events that destroyed the Nixon Administration. Defines such concepts as stonewalling (the concept of defiance as opposed to the bar), “expletive deleted”, and of course the missing twenty minutes __ _______ _____!

5. The How and Why Wonder Book of The Counter Culture – answers questions about hippies, yippies, Black Panthers, Gray Panthers, psychedelia, “flower power” and other groovy concepts. Can you dig it?

6. The How and Why Wonder Book of the George W. Bush Presidency – as in “Why did it happen at all?” and “How can we get those eight years of our lives back?”

7. The How and Why Wonder Book of Obsolete Inventions – marks the rise and passing in the last 25 years of such common items as reel-to-reel tape recorders, video tape recorders, beepers, cathode ray tube televisions, cassette and eight track tapes, and telephone booths.

8. The How and Why Wonder Book of the Kennedy Assassination – okay, let’s face it; we will always have questions about this one. This may have to be a multi-volume set on its own just to cover all angles of every conspiracy theory floated about this event. At the very least, American children will finally know why their grandparents get so weirded out whenever someone says the words “grassy knoll”.

9. The How and Why Wonder Book of the Wonderful World of Barbie – answers every young girls (and perhaps a few boys) questions about America’s favorite possible anorexic. Details her fashions, her carefree valley-girl lifestyle, as well as her Oprah Winfrey-Steadman Graham-type relationship with Ken. It should settle one issue once and for all, namely, why didn’t every boys GI Joe doll blow away this cheatin’ bitch when he returned from ‘Nam and caught her humping plastic with Ken!

(Thank you for reading. Please remember many questions cannot be answered in a nice compact and timely fashion.)