A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Housebreaking Humans

A new month full of blog entries, and there’s so much satirical fodder to be found in media headlines that, well, I just don’t know where to start! Should I follow the Congressional Democrats lead and point out that the new majority-Republican House seems to be concentrating on everything and anything but the issue they criticized the Democrats for not doing enough of, namely, job creation?

Or should I note how Karl Rove’s critique of President Obama’s 2011 State of the Union address counted how few times he mentioned reducing the deficit, while not once noting that the deficit was born and grew to monstrous proportions on his watch as Bush’s main presidential adviser?

Or should I dwell on Charles Krauthammer’s equally pedestrian criticism of Obama’s speech, in which he noted that government spending on rebuilding the nation’s infra-structure won’t reduce the deficit, without mentioning the benefit that such a program would CREATE JOBS?

So many GOP missteps, so little time...

Unfortunately, all of these issues pale in comparison to the news that a three-year-old preschooler living in Arlington County, Virginia, has been expelled from preschool until she or her parents can demonstrate that she is fully potty-trained. Yes, this is the controversy making headlines in The Washington Post this week. This is quite a change in the Post’s selection of stories since say, oh, the 1970s. Back then the Post exposed government corruption at the highest levels and wrote on every tiny detail about the scandal until the miscreant president was driven from office prematurely. Liberals look back on those days with sentimental nostalgia, but as far as the Post is concerned, Watergate is a "been there, done that" experience.

Now the Post is exposing local government’s misguided efforts to curb soggy toddler pants. I feel bad for the little girl. The teacher at the school announced in front of everyone – children and their parents — how many accidents the girl had on one day. The Washington Post published the child’s name, obviously causing even more public embarrassment! This brings us to the following disclaimer.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Arteejee has adopted a policy of not publishing the names of children caught in traumatizing situations, victims of sexual assault, hypocritical liberals, and Democrats behaving badly. If, on the other hand, you are a duly elected official who abandons his/her constituency to pursue the more lucrative media fields of best-selling authordom and/or lecture touring, then may God have mercy on your soul...because we certainly won’t!

We now return to today’s entry...

Anyway, the child’s mother is challenging Arlington County to change their policy about not accepting children into schools before they are housebroken. The county does have a valid point: they don’t want the school day for other children interrupted just because little Suzy (actual name withheld to protect the damp bottomed) can’t control her urinary urges. However, experts (pediatricians and other concerned grown-ups) point out that it’s ludicrous to expect all children to uniformly attain full, 100% certified, potty-trained status at the same age. Some children learn at a slower pace than others. The article cited experts who claimed a window of learning could occur anywhere from eighteen months to four years of age.

In “Suzy’s” case her mother maintains that the child was fully trained, but only started having accidents when she started attending preschool in September. This claim begs the question: what the hell are the school administrators doing to this poor child to scare the piss out of her? Are they exposing her to old reruns of American Idol? Have they been reading to her all of the Republican Party’s deficit projections for which she and her generation will be responsible? Have they been forcing her to sit through episodes of Glenn Beck? What, what have they been doing to this poor child?

The Post briefly mentioned two radical schools of thought concerning potty training. One is called “elimination communication”, which advocates starting to train the infant at three months old. Three months old! Holy urinary tract, Batman!

The other idea is called “fast track”, in which the child is saturated with drinks and then placed on a potty until their business is completed. Good lord! I believe this was done to an adult in the movie Caligula, or so my friends tell me, and the results were not pretty! Why don’t we just waterboard the little pissers and get it over with?

EDITOR’S NOTE: Whoa! We feel we must discontinue Mr. Gunther’s commentary at this point as this suggestion of torturing small children is unacceptable for blog content, satirical or not. We apologize to any readers who may have been offended by this idea, unless of course you’re a former governor of Alaska who builds an entire career with such gaffes and will remain nameless for the remainder of this month. If you are this person, then may God have mercy on your soul...because we won’t!

(Thank you for reading! Please remember to urinate early and urinate often!)


Anonymous Janey said...

Your blogs make me laugh so hard I almost piss myself!

And I believe you and I, along with our theater friends, saw Caligula together, back in Bloomsburg, circa 1980, so don't even try to use the "or so my friends tell me " line... :-)


February 1, 2011 at 8:10 PM  

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