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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Ideological Follies of 2011

Once again, Americans witnessed that our democratic form of government DOES WORK!

We saw this when members of Congress negotiated with the Obama administration to finalize a budget deal on April 7 with just hours to spare before a threatened government shutdown. In the afterglow of the agreement, both sides claimed victory. One concept which undoubtedly contributed to the deal was probably not given enough credit. That concept, of course, is otherwise known as — conservative Republicans, please avert your eyes — compromise!

The self congratulatory mood peaked on Friday night, but gradually gave way to the expected Sunday morning griping on the weekly network news talk shows. Suddenly, no one seemed happy. Most of the groaning came from the Tea Party camp, who complained that not enough was cut. Then, adding insult to injury, Planned Parenthood survived the budget axe.

Defunding Planned Parenthood was one of the Tea Party’s pet projects. They argue that government should not be funding an organization that performs abortions. They see it as a taxpayer subsidized infanticide.

The problem is their argument is superfluous. The bulk of Planned Parenthood’s activities are focused on cancer screenings, mammograms, and birth control for poor and/or disadvantaged women. It has been pointed out countless times that abortions represent only a small fraction (something like 3%) of Planned Parenthood’s job. And, oh yes, it has also been emphasized until all liberals were blue in the face that the organization is barred under federal law from using these federal funds for abortions.

No matter to the Tea Party! They don’t care if it’s 3% or 100%! None of the good Planned Parenthood does for female health and hygiene counts as long as they also do abortions. Talk about throwing the baby out with the bathwater! That’s right child, they’ll fight for your right to exist up to the moment you slide down the birth canal, but as soon as you exit the womb, you’re on your own!

Someday soon, even the hard-headed individuals populating the Tea Party will tire of this ideological piss battle. When they do, we have a few suggestions that they can rail against to waste their time and energy. Many of us would group these ideas under the heading “immutable facts”. Just do us a favor, Tea Party, leave the adults out of your little childish tantrums. After all, the rest of us have a country to run...

1. The sky is blue.

2. The Hyde Amendment — named after the REPUBLICAN congressman who sponsored it — prohibits federal funds being used to provide abortions. (Apparently, we can’t emphasize this fact enough.)

3. President Obama’s birth certificate has been available for inspection on the Internet for over three years. (Another fact that can’t be emphasized enough.)

4. Elvis has REALLY left the building.

5. Fish gotta swim, and birds gotta fly.

6. Seriously, Elvis left a long time ago.

7. SPOLIER ALERT: “The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.”

8. ANOTHER SPOLIER ALERT: Sorry, #7 isn’t as immutable as we thought. It should read, “The pellet with the poison’s in the flagon with the dragon. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.” Again, sorry about that!

9. Rosebud is a sled.

Tea Partiers: I dare you to argue these points!

(Thank you for reading. Does anybody know what the hell a flagon is?)


Anonymous Janey said...

A "flagon" is a narrow-necked vessel for containing and pouring fluids; it often has a spout and a handle.

April 12, 2011 at 6:08 PM  

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