A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Friday, April 03, 2015

God and Son

And now a sneak peak at the series premiere of the newest situation comedy from Fox…God and Son!

(Studio applause.)

Jesus: Good Morning, father!

God: Good Morning Jesus!  Happy Good Friday!

Jesus:  Thanks!  Um, why do they call this Good Friday?

God:  This is the day that all my best plans are revealed to the world.  This is the day that I demonstrate the concept of everlasting life!

Jesus:  Really?  That’s wonderful!  Is there anything I can do to help?

God: Actually, yes.  You could d… (mumbles)

Jesus:  What, father?  I didn’t catch that!  Your voice trailed off.

God: You could DIE!  There I said it!

Jesus: Oh.  I see. (Long silence.) So I just go off somewhere, die peacefully like I fall asleep, then I just, BOOM, come back to life, as if by magic!

God:  Um, yeah, something like that.

Jesus:  I’ll be lying there one minute, then, ta da, just jump up! Like that time you invited a thousand people over for dinner and all I had was a smelly mackerel and a few loaves of bread.

God:  Yes!  Exactly!

Jesus:  So, how will it happen?

God: What?

Jesus: How will I die?

God: Oh, well, um…I can’t think of the exact term for it.  The Romans have a cute name for it.  Anyway, it’s on your “To Do” list for today.

Jesus:  Oh, let’s see.  Here’s my “To Do” list.  Oh my! This can’t be right! There’s only one entry on my list for today, “Get crucified!”  Sweet me!  

God: Son! Language!

Jesus:   Sorry, father.  (After a moment.) Oh, I get it.  This won’t be an actual crucifixion.  The Romans will just pillory me in the local media so bad that people will think, “Wow, they really crucified Christ!”

God: No, you don’t get it.

Jesus: Huh?

God:  It won’t be a metaphorical crucifixion.  It will be a literal crucifixion.

Jesus: Actual crucifixion?

God: Large spikes nailed through your limbs, hung on a cross, exposed to the elements like a common thief, the whole nine yards.

Jesus:  I don’t know about this…whole nine what?

God:  Never mind that!  Look. Just trust me; this will play great in all the history books.

Jesus:  What’s a history book?

God:  Well, that’s a record of all of mankind’s achievements and mistakes, but mostly their mistakes.  Never mind that! You’ll be remembered as the greatest teacher who ever lived. You will have taught the miracle of everlasting life!

Jesus: But crucifixion is so painful!

God: Oh, stop whining!

Jesus:  Couldn’t I just eat an under cooked piece of pork at tonight’s supper?

God:  It’s Passover. They won’t be serving pork.  I’ll make sure of that.

Jesus:  Couldn’t I just go to sleep and just stop breathing?

God:  No, it needs to be more dramatic!  You have to die for all of mankind’s sins!

Jesus:  But it’s going to hurt!

God:  Well, there are a lot of sins! Jesus, do you trust me?

Jesus: Well. Yes, father, implicitly.  But…

God: But what?

Jesus:  I keep thinking about that dinner with the mackerel and the bread.   All those people expecting a meal…

God:  Jesus?

Jesus: ...and not so much as a single jar of Hellman’s to be found anywhere!

God: Look, son, just let the events of the day play out and you can lay low for a few days.

Jesus:  Lay low?

God:  Yeah, just rest for a few days…three days, tops!

Jesus:  Sweet me!

(Footsteps of a Roman soldiers heard coming in the distance.)

Centurion:  Jesus of Nazareth?  I place you under arrest in the name of the Emperor!

Jesus:  DAD!

God:  La, la, la, la!  I can’t hear you!

Did we say series premiere?   We meant to say series finale…of God and Son!

(Studio applause up and fade.)

(Thank you for reading.  This attempt at satire should not be construed as religious persecution.)


Blogger Bob said...

I've never heard this fable told so succinctly.

April 3, 2015 at 9:17 AM  
Blogger Raybeard said...

Bet this would leave a lot of God-botherers with faces that look like they've just sucked on lemons. (Tee hee!)

April 3, 2015 at 2:38 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you Bob for your comment. next week; Jesus buys an anchovy pizza in Indiana!

Thank you Raybeard for that image!

April 6, 2015 at 6:09 PM  

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