Dear Iowa
This week,
you embark on your most unique role of political gatekeeper for the rest of the
country with your quadrennial caucuses. As you know, this is when you take a break from feeding your hogs,
husking your corn, and do whatever else it is you do when the Hawkeyes aren’t
playing.
(Okay, fine
intro, but I started to doze halfway through…and I’m the writer. Make your point!)
We realize
that you face a considerable challenge, since the pickings for the next president
are slim. On one hand, you have Donald
Trump, an egotistical, narcissistic bully, who is a wuss at heart. Yes, wuss! He sat out this week’s debate because the head of Fox News would not
take his star anchor away from the proceedings, a star anchor who happens to be
a girl! “Please, Roger,” Trump begged, “Don’t
make me stand up in front of Megyn! She
was mean to me!” Seriously, Iowa, this is
the guy you expect to go up against ISIS? Against Putin? He’s afraid of
girls!
(Better, but
a bit wordy. Let’s keep it simple.)
Then, on the
other hand, you have a Hispanic fellow from Canada, who claims he is eligible to be elected president,
and vows to take away the ability of millions to pay for their healthcare. Then, on the other hand (I know, this is the third hand), there is another
Hispanic fellow, handsome and charismatic in
nature, who can’t seem to make up his mind whether to let other Hispanics into
the country and share in the same opportunities that he enjoys.
And you,
good people of Iowa, are giving these three the top positions in your political
polls? Are you leading the country with
your political choices, or allowing yourselves to be led by a certain news
organization, or should I say alleged news organization? Or should I just come out and accuse you of
understanding only Fox News sound bites and nothing more?
(Okay, fine
so far, but let’s make it simpler. It’s
one thing to look down our liberal, condescending noses at them, but quite another
to engage in wholesale ethnocentrism.)
Read this
sound bite: DONALD TRUMP IS NOT THE
GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN TO HUMANITY SINCE THE INVENTION OF SLICED BREAD!
There, I said
it!
Iowa, what
in tarnation are you effin cornhuskers thinking????
Donald Trump,
Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio? Seriously????
Think carefully, Iowa. We will be watching, but we don’t have to follow your lead.
Oh yeah, Iowa. Maybe you didn’t notice, but another week passed and another classic rock and roller died. This is an epidemic!
Oh yeah, Iowa. Maybe you didn’t notice, but another week passed and another classic rock and roller died. This is an epidemic!
So, in memory
of Paul Kantner, here is a video with images of a willowy woman whirling her
threadbare clad body along a beach while Jefferson Airplane gives us their
version of Alice In Wonderland. Warning: drugs were involved.
(Thank you for reading, and that goes for you, Iowa. "Hookah smoking caterpillars”? Yes, drugs were involved.)
posted by todd gunther | 7:08 PM
5 Comments:
I don't blame Trump for refusing to appear in this past debate (not that I will vote for him). In the first debate, Megyn Kelly asked Trump questions no male moderator could get away with, and pushed her issue too far. She behaved like a bleeding cunt, and Trump called her on it.
Sorry, I did not indeed to not identify myself: that last comment was from Janey, who can be a bit of cunt herself, so she knows one when she sees and hears one!
I still don't quite get all the niceties of the American presidential election system, so some clarification please, if I may be so bold:-
In these state election to choose a representative, is it only 'officially registered' party supporters who vote for their preferred candidate or can anyone vote? - so those supporting other parties could, if they wish, vote for a candidate who could be detrimental to a party with which they have no sympathy. Thus Democratic party supporters could vote for Trump with the intention of giving Clinton a more likely victory? Having said that, I fear that now that we are so advanced in the cycle that choosing a Republican candidate other than Trump might make Mrs Clinton's job less easy.
I am going underground with the groundhog for the next couple of days.
Thanks Janey for your viewpoint. Now if only someone could offend Trump so profoundly that he leave the race altogether....
Thank you Raybeard for your thoughts.
The primary situation varies from state to state. Some states like Iowa have caucuses, but many of the states have primary voting throughout the spring. Many are open primaries in which registered voters can vote for anyone in any party. Unfortunately we have closed primaries in Pennsylvania where Democrat voters can only vote for the Democrat Party candidates and voters registered Republican can only vote for the Republican candidates. This can be changed, but so far previous attempts to go to an open primary have failed.
Good luck, Spo, although I would not be surprised if the groundhog you burrow with has WIFI access.
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