arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

My Photo
Name:
Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Saturday, August 16, 2014

First Vegetables of the Season



It’s been a cooler than usual August, which I think is one reason why my tomatoes are taking longer to ripen. Well, that and the fact that I got a late start in planting them, but farmer laziness should not be an excuse. It works for me, but I won’t allow my tomatoes to fall down on the job.

Below are photos of the first tomatoes - cherry and big boy - harvested from my garden. Still waiting for the red and orange peppers to ripen, but I’ll give them a few more weeks. I do not give any special treatment to my fruits; water every other day from my water barrel when it doesn’t rain, and fed once a week with Miracle Gro©.

The last photo shows the remnants of a store bough tomato next to my first tomato (cut open). Notice the meaty, rich red texture of my home grown tomato next to the pale, puny specimen from the local Aldi. Not that I’m bragging…




Upon further consideration, we now believe that the store bough tomato was imported into the country in the pants pockets of a young boy from El Salvador escaping abuse and harassment from the hands of the local drug lords. Hey, kid, your journey didn’t get you very far, did it? You thought you were coming to a country that would welcome you with open arms and the opportunity for unlimited prosperity. HA! Boy, are you wrong!

Here you are finding near universal revulsion and rejection. You want the chance for a good education, which you believe will land you a good job? HA! You’ll be lucky to get a soccer ball from Glenn Beck. 

You should have kept walking until you got to Iraq. There you could have made your way to that mountaintop where the Kurds and Yazidis are trapped. There you could have gotten relief supplies dropped there by the USA! You can’t get it here in the USA, but you can get it in Iraq! Go figure!

Always remember kids: location, location, location!

Um. Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, aren’t my tomatoes lovely?

(Thank you for reading. In keeping with our current national policy to deny relief to the social refugees massing on our southern border, no tomatoes for you!)

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

To One Who Made Us Laugh…



In the days ahead, we will mourn Robin Williams, and we will endure the sordid details of his final days. Sure, we can get angry that he’s gone and some may even be imprudent to say he still owed us something. HA! He gave all he could and then he gave more.

And which one of his gifts will we remember him by? Wow, where shall we start?

As Mork, or earlier on a short-lived revival of Laugh-In (1977)? In one blackout gag, he played a human size lab rat peering from inside a giant cage and wondered aloud, “Wow, reality! What a concept!” That was probably his catch phrase from his stand-up days; it was later used as the title of his first comedy album.

Or the serious side in The World According to Garp; Moscow on the Hudson; Good Morning Vietnam; The Fisher King; Awakenings; Dead Poets Society” ("O Captain! My captain…", or so Whitman wrote) and his Oscar-winning performance in Good Will Hunting. 

Or the zany improvisational performances from Mrs. Doubtfire or Aladdin?

Or the understated character actor that graced The Birdcage?

Or the priceless one-of-a-kind performances for Comic Relief, the charity raising awareness for America’s homeless, even as he tweaked the nose of the Reagan administration's aloofness for the common citizen?

We may cry now, but our memories of him will bring back a smile. And we will laugh again.

Rest in Peace, Mr. Williams.

(Thank you for reading. “Nanu, nanu!”)

Monday, August 04, 2014

COMMERCIAL BREAK



I was going to write about hatred and intolerance and anti-this and anti-that, when my editor reminded me that we need to run a commercial once in awhile. So we now present something that I just discovered, but it’s been around the Internet since 2011. If you have seen this before, please pardon the intrusion, and enjoy again! If you have never seen this, then sit back and enjoy this finely crafted political satire!


(Thank you for watching.  We will return to our regularly scheduled snarkiness soon!)

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Chief O’Hara’s Performance Review



The weekend arrived, which gave me more time to spend with Oreo, who is still more or less ensconced in our basement. She is getting braver, venturing into the living room when we keep the basement door open for extended periods of time. Otherwise, she is, for all intents and purposes, still our basement cat, which means she gets to watch all the television she wants as that is where the only television hooked up to cable in the house is located.

Saturday morning dawned, and we watched another old episode of Batman as we enjoyed an extended petting session. I pondered one scene from the episode later in the day, when suddenly my muses reappeared after a several month’s absence.  (Rumor has it that they spent much of the time lounging near a pool at the Phoenix home of a certain blogger we know, swilling Windexes and scarfing down live scorpions dipped in Hunt's Ketchup…but I digress.)

The scene dealt with Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara, extolling the virtues of Batman, when it got a little weird…

Gordon: Batman is certainly a credit to our city.

O’Hara: He certainly makes my job easier!

Gordon: And that can’t get much easier than it already is, can it?

O’Hara: Uh, what do you mean?

Gordon: I mean it’s time for your annual performance review! Chief, do you do anything all day except hang around my office?

O’Hara: Well, I…

Gordon: Did you have any collars within the last year? Oh, and when was the 
last time you even saw the inside of a squad car?

O’Hara: Good question? Now that I think about it, it was 1947.

Gordon: 1947! From what I’ve seen, all you have done in the last few years is sit on my couch and exclaim, “Saints preserve us!” "Mother Macree!” “What the dibble?” What is a dibble anyway?

O’Hara: Actually it’s devil. I’m saying, “What the devil,” but in my adorable thick Irish brogue it comes out dibble.

Gordon: Which reminds me, your thick Irish brogue is annoying! You’re what, fourth/fifth generation American? When are you going to stop sounding like a potato farmer from County Cork and start talking with a New York accent, man?

O’Hara: Sorry that my accent is annoying, but at least I’m not pretentious to the point of sitting around the set all day and bragging about working with the great D.W. Griffith!

Gordon: And what’s so pretentious about reminiscing about one of the giants of our industry?

O’Hara: That man was a racist! Everyone knew it!

Gordon: No one talks about the great D.W. that way and gets away with it!  Put up your dukes, potato eater! (KAPOW!)

O’Hara: With pleasure, ham actor! (BIFF!)

Announcer: What’s this? A grudge match between two veteran character actors? (BAM!) Will they settle their differences in time to move the story forward? Will the Dynamic Duo appear in this week’s episode at all? (CRASH!) Tune in tomorrow, same bat time, same bat channel! (OOF!)

(MUSIC UP AND FADE)

(Thank you for reading. As I said, it got a little weird…)

Friday, July 25, 2014

Snort Bites – July 2014


This month: political leaders behaving badly.

MALAYSIAN AIRLINES FLIGHT SHOT DOWN OVER PRO-RUSSIAN UKRAINE TERRITORY 

This much of the tragedy is irrevocably true. Any other language confirming who actually did the shooting - pro-Russian rebels, Ukrainian authorities or whomever - has yet to be determined. So far, public opinion has shifted against the rebels and their seeming indifference to their treatment of the dead and the scene of the crime.

So as the Netherlands - the country which suffered the greatest loss of life - mourns their dead, the rest of the world weighs its next option (economic sanctions?) against the most likely suspect, Vladimir Putin.

Gross understatement: Putin has a public relations problem. Yes, he has sold his own people on the notion that the rebels are trying to overthrow a fascist regime, but how does he explain away mass murder of innocents traveling through disputed air space for a vacation in an exotic locale? Editors in the western media have simplified it: he can’t justify it and news outlets are free to portray the Russian leader as someone akin to the next Adolf Hitler.

Somewhere, HuffPo found a photo of Putin clutching a tiny bird in his hand and placed it under a headline which read “No Smoking Gun”. Perhaps the website editors meant it to be ironic. In any case, the undated photo in the context of this week’s events is ludicrous! 
 
After all, who’s to say that once the photographers stopped clicking their cameras, Putin didn’t rip his own shirt off his back and proclaim, “Hey, get me!  I’m Ozzy Osbourne!”

Poor Tweety! What am I saying? Poor humanity!

POLITCAL PUNDIT AND PROFESSIONAL PITA SARAH PALIN RELEASES VIDEO CALLING FOR OBAMA’S REMOVAL FOR MANY “IMPEACHABLE OFFENSES” 

Awww, isn’t that cute! Ms. Palin is showing us what she’s learned since being unleashed on an unsuspecting American public in 2008. She can say big three syllable words now, like “impeachment”.

I’ll admit to using the concept ad nauseum during the W administration (and I had fun doing it), but now it’s been talked to death. There used to be a time when, if we disagreed with the other guy, then we would debate and work through our differences. Now why should we do something as detrimental to our viewpoint as working with the other side, when we can simply just throw the offender out of office? 
 
Answer: because it takes time and resources away from what should be our primary goal - solving our problems.

Grow up, Sarah! 

SENATOR TED CRUZ CRITICIZES THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION’S BAN ON FLIGHTS TO TEL AVIV WHILE FIGHTING CONTINUES IN THE REGION 

In an obvious desperate move to win over Jewish voters, Cruz equated the FAA ruling (since lifted) as a sanction against Israel. The FAA based their decision on the fact that several missiles exploded near the Tel Aviv airport.

No Ted, it was not politically motivated. It was something called “safety” and “security”. Don’t you read the papers, Ted? Didn’t you see the report about the Malaysian airliner shot down over the Ukraine (see above)?

Hellllooooooooo!!!!!

(Thanks for reading! Don’t fly if you don’t have to. The world wide political rhetoric makes travel by air too dangerous at this time.)