arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Monday, September 15, 2014

Pop Quiz: The Palins vs. Everybody



Submitted for your approval:

You are imbibing at a kegger in Anchorage, Alaska. You’re admiring the local scenery and the host’s mukluk collection, when it happens! Some foolish schlub, who has had one Midnight Sun Arctic Devil too many, decides to pick a fight with the Palin Posse, who are all in attendance. You relax and enjoy the fisticuff entertainment and the running commentary from the crowd.  

At several points during the fight, the matriarch of the clan is allegedly heard to shout, “Do you know who I am?” Someone counters with a crack about this not being a reality hillbilly show, but you can’t resist piling on a remark of your own. You respond by saying:

1.  “Yeah, you’re the vapid airhead that kept John McCain out of the White House!”

2.  “Yeah, you’re the stupid bitch that lost the election for John McCain."

3.  “Yeah, you’re the (insert intelligence challenging characterization here) (insert derogatory noun here) that kept (insert old fogey characterization here) from being president!”

4.  “Yeah, you’re Tina Fey! Can I have your autograph?”

Sorry, no points, no prizes…

(Thank you for reading! Watch for Sarah Palin’s WWE Challenge coming soon to TNT!)

Friday, September 12, 2014

A Lot of Flags on This Field



(Peppy marching band music up and crescendos)

Rhett Crit – Good day, football fans everywhere. This is Rhett Crit with a play-by-play description of today’s confrontation between the National Football League and the rest of the world about the Ray Rice controversy. You may recall, fans, that earlier this year a surveillance tape surfaced showing the Baltimore Ravens running back dragging his unconscious then-fiancée off an Atlantic City casino elevator. New Jersey officials called Rice out for…

(Referee whistle)

RC - Unnecessary roughness.

Warrior Queen - And I might add that the fiancée Janay got an off side call!

RC - As you just heard, joining me now is Arteejee editor and today’s guest commentator, Warrior Queen!

WQ – Thank you, Rhett!

RC – So what are we seeing today?

WQ - Today we’re witnessing the ongoing conflict between one of the sport’s most celebrated players and team owners. A lot of people are seeing this fight as a larger indictment of the team’s owners and the sport itself. Frankly, many people are shocked at their traditional indifference to domestic violence.

RC - And that is shaping up to be the most violent contest I’ve seen in all the time I have been a sports commentator.

WQ – And how long has that been, Rhett?

RC – Um, well since this blog entry started at the top of the page!

(Referee whistle)

RC – And there’s another flag on the field! What is it this time?

WQ - It’s an out of bounds call!  It appears that this one was thrown by Rice’s now wife protesting the media attention that has been thrown on an incident in which they believed they had put behind them. Many people, myself included, have wondered how this woman could stay with this man after he beat her.

RC - Well, aside from low self esteem issues she may have, it could be that she recognizes that her man really loves her, has forgiven him for his momentary lapse into primordial fit of violence, and knows that he is capable of redemption.

WQ – Or there is also the possibility that she is just plain bat-shit crazy, certifiably full tilt boogie insane.

RC – Um, that’s what you think?

WQ - That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

RC - Well, the story took another nasty turn this week when the other side of the video showed the actual punches thrown in the elevator before Janay was dragged out. Since then, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suspended Rice indefinitely and the Ravens have released him from his contract.

WQ - Good for Goodell, the Ravens, and the league...

(Referee whistle) 

WQ - What? A holding penalty against Goodell? What the eff?

RC - Yes, it appears that, despite his earlier claims of not having the entire surveillance tape to view and pass judgment on Rice, the Associated Press has reported that the league had possession of the tape since April! Clearly, Goodell may not be telling the whole truth. This could be bad for the commissioner.

WQ - And there’s all sorts of flags being thrown on the field now! I can’t even see the field anymore!

RC – Yes, league officials, pundits, commentators, everyone is throwing out their opinions about the game of football and its alleged coddling of violent offenders.

WQ – It’s not alleged! If anything, this incident proves that the game of football harbors abusers!

RC – Look, sister! The game itself is inherently violent! So what if the good ole boys don’t know when to turn off the testosterone when they’re off the field. Take violence out of football and it’s no fun anymore! Take away that and you might as well play baseball!

WQ – And what’s wrong with baseball? 

RC - It’s a wussy game! Everyone knows it!

WQ - All right, mister! Put up your dukes!

RC – Bring it on, girlfriend! Give me your worst!

(Referee whistle)

Arteejee - What? Me trivializing a serious social issue? No way! Appeal! Appeal!

(Thank you for your reading. Please keep your flags in your pockets.)

Monday, September 08, 2014

“Can We Talk?”



Sure, we can talk. Or, actually, we’ll listen to you, Ms. Rivers, and you can talk like you have been talking to us for the last 50+ years. 

You know, tell us all the things about men and women’s roles in society. Oh, not the old roles where men went to work and could stay out all night if they wanted, while the women dutifully stayed at home and steadily grew more depressed about the role they were expected to play. These were roles your mother and her mother played…so, what’s your beef?

Ah, but this was the early 60s and revolution was in the air. This wasn’t a revolution fought with bullets, but rather voices raised in protest against the old ideas. The voices were heard in songs (Dylan, Pete Seeger) or in monologues coming from the coffee houses and clubs in the Village (Lenny Bruce, Mort Sahl, Dick Gregory). Your voice rose with them, questioning the inequities of the old norms. After all, this was a world created, nurtured, and nourished by and for the happiness of the dominant white males. 

“Sez who?” your generation asked.

Of course, the men got all the press. Meanwhile, you waited in the wings, sometimes teamed with a couple of men in a club act and sometimes writing gags for a mouse puppet on The Ed Sullivan Show (Topo Gigio for those of you playing along at home.) The humor you performed back then was probably the type that was expected from a woman in a man’s world (or, in the case of the mouse, cute). It was also forgettable: none of the articles I have seen during the last few days quote anything you said or wrote during this time. No matter, the best was yet to happen and you would have the last word.

Then Betty Friedan published The Feminine Mystique and suddenly the male chauvinist shit hit the fan.

Now, it was almost like you were given a license to point out the crap with which the opposite sex had to live. At the same time, there was a rising attitude to “tell it like it is”, and why not use this to manufacture the ideas that would become the bullets to tear and rip at society’s inequalities. So you told it like it is from a woman’s viewpoint, and because we were laughing so hard at your lines that we didn’t notice they were barbs aimed at firmly entrenched attitudes cherished by our fathers and their fathers.

Then, 1965, you had your big break on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, and there was no looking back.

Good bye, Topo!

In the years since your voice spoke, sometimes shrilly, in clubs, on television talk shows (others and sometimes your own), and well, everywhere we could hear you. It seems oddly ironic that your heart stopped during a procedure on your throat. Seriously? Someone determined that there was something wrong with your voice that it needed a surgical procedure to correct. That joke is on all of us and now we’re paying the price.

In the days since your passing, you’ve been remembered as a comedy pioneer. You paved the way for a generation (or two) of female comedy artists. Somehow the term “comedienne” now sounds so, you know, old world.

Who can argue with that accolade? So, wherever you are now, Ms. Rivers, please keep talking. We’ll hear it one way or another.

Rest in Peace, Ms. Rivers!

(Thank you for reading. Surprise! There’s nothing more to say.)

Monday, September 01, 2014

Program Note for Monday, September 1



Happy Labor Day, everyone! We hope everyone reading this is enjoying their long weekend!

Having said that, the management of this blog wishes to make the following announcement: This week, the part of Monday will be played by Tuesday. It is suggested, nay highly recommended, that anyone tempted to curse the hours out of Monday as they are wont to do at the beginning of the work week refrain and postpone their usual weekly routine until tomorrow. Therefore, today we shall hear no moaning, groaning, griping, hissing, and spitting (the last two predominately referencing any cats reading this blog), because this week Monday is free!

Shake your fist at Tuesday at will tomorrow for having the bad luck of following Monday. For tomorrow, Tuesday, will not be the nice, safe buffer between the dreaded Monday and the middle of the week (Wednesday), but rather will be the start of the terrible work week.
 
Thus the schedule for this week should be:

Monday – holiday, not a work day. Let us not hear any discouraging words today. (This goes double for you, Warrior Queen!)

Tuesday – to be treated this week as a normal Monday in an otherwise normal five day work week.

Wednesday – cursing Wednesday is right out!

For those reading this blog and residing in countries that are not celebrating Labor Day, then please proceed as you normally would.

Happy Monday!

(Thank you for reading. Five days until Warrior Queen’s birthday!)