Snort Notes – February 2010

NOR’EASTER DUMPS UP TO THIRTY INCHES OF SNOW ON THE MID-ATLANTIC REGION

On a totally unrelated note, Punxsutawney Phil has entered the witness protection program. Speaking of cruelty to animals...

WOMAN SELLING GOTHIC KITTENS IS SENTENCED ON ANIMAL CRUELTY CHARGES

A Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania dog groomer was recently convicted of animal cruelty after selling “gothic kittens”. She would pierce their ears and insert ear rings through the holes, much like teenagers and young adults pursuing the goth lifestyle would do. Another example of niche marketing going too far!

I’ll pause in my narrative here to give any cats reading this a chance to sharpen their claws in anger at this woman.

The most bizarre part about this story is that the defense attorney argued for dismissal of the charges because pet owners should not be held to a higher standard than parents who allow their children to get their ears pierced. Hey, with logic like this, he’s a shoo-in to be elected judge. Hey, wouldn’t you know it? There are a couple bench vacancies in that part of the state due to the ongoing judicial corruption probe of Judges...oh, I forgot their names again.

I guess I could look them up, but I’m feeling a bit lazy today. Let’s just rename them. Henceforth in this blog we shall refer to them — in the spirit of all the young lives they destroyed just to make a buck - as Judge Asshole #1 and Judge Asshole #2! Better yet, sentence the attorney to hundreds of hours of community service in a local animal shelter.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS WIN LOMBARDI TROPHY IN THEIR FIRST EVER SUPERBOWL APPEARANCE BY BEATING THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS, 31-17

In a totally unrelated development, the entire Colts organization has entered the witness protection program.

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT TO SPRING TRAINING IN ONE WEEK. PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES FANS ARE PARTICULARLY ANXIOUS FOR THE 2010 SEASON TO BEGIN

We want a rematch with the Yankees in the World Series. This time...IT’S PERSONAL!!!!!!

SCOTT BROWN TAKES OATH FOR SENATE SEAT PREVIOUSLY HELD BY THE LATE TED KENNEDY. HIS UPSET VICTORY TAKES THE MAJORITY STATUS AWAY FROM THE DEMOCRATS AND ENDANGERS PRESIDENT OBAMA’S DOMESTIC AGENDA

On a totally unrelated note, President Obama’s health care reform bill has entered the witness protection program.

(Thank you for reading! As snowflakes fall and cold winds howl please remember: summer is just a spring away!)

Punxsutawney Phil and His Blogosphere Fans

Once again, Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter. The reaction has been the same as in previous years. The crowd at Gobblers Knob — who are most likely inebriated - cheered. Animal rights groups decried the way Phil is manhandled at the event. Then there are Phil’s fans in the blogosphere, but more about them later.

For the record I will phrase my reaction this way: “Six more weeks of winter? Oh, duh!"

I’ve already written about Phil and his annual weather report. I’ve suspected for years that he cheats and consults the calendar before he is lifted out of his burrow to make his big announcement. He could play it safe and just predict, “There will be four more weeks of February, followed by four weeks of March, after that you’re on your own.”

Of course, this wouldn’t sit well with the organizers of Groundhog Day, who count on him to bring a major infusion of financial stimulus to this small, western Pennsylvania town. They might think that ole Phil is losing his touch, even though this prediction would be totally accurate. Any breach of faith in Phil could be a life-changing experience for him. They could replace him.

That would mean the end of his pampered lifestyle. No more all-he-can-eat greens. No more Swedish massages on demand. No more 24/7 groundhog porn. Worse, he would become an unemployed rodent! He would be another statistic, another casualty of this on-going recession. How would he survive? How would he file for unemployment benefits? I shudder at all of the hardships he would have to endure.

Many people are naturally disappointed at Phil’s prediction of a long winter and its attendant cold temperatures. As it turns out, many of those disappointed rodent watchers write blogs. Many of these blog writers, coincidentally, own guns. These people, not surprisingly, are not afraid to speak their mind. They have made it known to one and all that they would be more than happy to terminate any misery Phil might suffer from a job loss.

However, Phil is a trooper! After all, this is show business! So he ignores the explicit death threats, pooh-poohs the idea of animal cruelty leveled at his handlers, plays along with being hoisted out of his hole once a year to an adoring throng of thousands gathered on Gobblers Knob, and millions more watching on television. He doesn’t care...just keep the rodent sex shows going on his television.

(Thank you for reading! Please remember meteorological policy is not determined by an overgrown rat!)

Will Sleep With Anyone with a Good RX Plan

I had a cousin who was unable to be employed full-time due to a terminal health condition. As a widowed mother with two children, she was constantly searching for a companion who could give her family financial security. One method my cousin would use was to look for BMWs on the road. After all, “Beamers” were a status symbol, and surely any man who could afford to own one would be making enough money to support her.

Ah, but how times have changed! The old status symbols — the expensive car, the time share in Aruba, or the robust stock portfolio — are falling by the wayside. Soon we may have people looking for other qualities in a partner. No, we’re not talking about love necessarily, but health insurance.

Teri Carlson could be starting a new trend. This attractive, middle-aged divorcee from southern California is offering herself to anyone with a good health plan. Her situation is dire.

She suffers from a rare genetic disorder, C4 complement deficiency, which renders her body incapable of processing bacteria. The result is that her body fights itself. She is unable to get insurance on her own, and has one year left on her COBRA policy.

Carlson has advertised her plight on You Tube, where she is seen counting out 19 different prescriptions she takes on a regular basis. This doesn’t include the antibiotics or the plastic tub full of over the counter medications she shows off in her posting. She states that interested candidates should not send pictures, but please do send copies of your health insurance policy.

Those sounds you hear are the voices of thousands of short male geeks shouting, “Where has this woman been all my life!” I can’t help but wonder if other women in a similar situation will follow her lead just to get health insurance. Oh, to be a fly on the wall for this first date...

WOMAN: So, tell me a little about yourself.

MAN: Well, I’m a junior partner at a prestigious law firm in Center City, my brother and I are restoring a 200 year old farmhouse in Bucks County and...

WOMAN: Okay, enough about you! Give me a few details about your health insurance. Does it cover pre-existing conditions? What are the co-pays on your prescriptions? Answer the second question first.

MAN: Oh, well, the co-pays are low...ten to thirty dollars depending if it’s generic or not...but I must be up front with you. I’m not out of the closet and actually I’m looking more for a beard than a spouse.

WOMAN: Oh! This is so sudden! I don’t know what to say! Say you’ll marry me!

And so on...

President Obama could arrange a similar blind date for members of Congress, if nothing more than to get them talking about the health care reform, which is now on the back burner.

DEMOCRATIC CAUCAS: So tell us something about yourselves!

REPUBLICAN CAUCAS: Well, we’re very upwardly mobile, we’re presently serving as junior partners for the greatest democracy on the planet, but we’re expecting a promotion after the mid-term elections this November...

DEMOCRATIC CAUCAS: Oh, enough about you. Tell us...do you think bipartisanship is sexy?

REPUBLICAN CAUCAS: Bipartisanship? Eww…gross!

Or...maybe not.

Still, this could totally change the dynamics of relationships in the near future. Instead of accusations like I never loved you in domestic spats, we might hear something like I only married you for your low deductible! It could become legitimate grounds for divorce if a spouse hits the lifetime maximum on their policy!

Seriously, this whole episode brings to mind an element of the health care reform debate which I have not heard in awhile: health insurance that is not tied to a person’s employment. I don’t know if this was part of the public option the teabaggers killed, or if it was part of the insurance exchanges which would cross state jurisdictions. Its absence from the debate is frightening.

If the only way Americans can have health insurance is through their gainful employment, then any sort of job layoff which would deny them affordable coverage could literally be a death sentence for those with a life threatening condition. I’m not trying to put more pressure on any employers who might be reading this, and who are mulling over a massive layoff. On the other hand, I don’t think I am over dramatizing this scenario either. Teri Carlson is living proof of this national health care crisis.

Good luck, Ms. Carlson!

(Thank you for reading. Please remember life is a pre-existing condition!)

Fields-Speak

On this date in 1880, William Claude Dukenfield was born in what is now extreme southwest Philadelphia (so extreme in fact that the event actually happened in the borough of Darby). With juggling skills he learned and perfected as a child, he set out to entertain the masses. Along the way, he acquired a pool table as part of his act and developed a sharp wit which he delivered with a nasally drawl. The character that he created under the nom de plume of W.C. Fields endures today as one of the classic caricatures of American humor.

There are several ways we could celebrate this occasion. Two obvious events – kicking dogs and boiling children – should be discounted at once. Not only are these illegal and immoral (although not necessarily fattening), but they are in direct conflict with the man’s true beliefs. His character would have no problem with such goings on, but that was the politically incorrect genius of Field’s creation.

Likewise, an event which would test a person’s dexterity by balancing a full martini glass while falling down a flight of stairs did not pass muster with the legal department here at arteejee. Which is a shame, because we were fully prepared to award additional points if the person broke a collarbone, yet managed to spill nary a drop of their drink. No matter, this tribute will play just as well without it. Instead, we will note a few of the more memorable moments from his comedy career.

His character was prone to using the fifty-cent words which are not commonly used by the general population. He could convey the simplest of ideas with a jumbled, confusing array of doubletalk I will call Fields-speak. In actuality, Fields used such moments to belittle the pompous attitudes of society, particularly those in the world of politics who rely on this language every day to hide their true agenda.

So when Fields cursed Drat, we could translate it as $%@#! Godfrey Daniels was his way of saying God damn, as suggested by the late Fields fan Ed McMahon in an essay on Fields career.

He referred to a barbershop as a tonsorial parlor (My Little Chickadee). When he wanted to give a weather report of blizzard like conditions, sub-freezing temperatures and occasional fistfuls of snow hitting him in the face, he would declare, It ain’t a fit night out for man nor beast. This line is actually a running gag from what I believe to be the funniest American short ever produced, The Fatal Glass of Beer. (Laurel and Hardy’s Big Business, and Chaplin’s Easy Street are a very close second in my humble opinion.)

Fields eventually toured the world and entertained millions of people in his lifetime. His comedic skills and inventions — particularly that of the conniving curmudgeon who hated dogs and children — continues to make his fans laugh today over 100 years since his birth. This, as he might say, is a most audacious achievement in the annals of mankind.

(Thank you for reading. Please try The Great McGonigle’s Yach’wee Indian Elixir! It cures hoarseness!)

Career Check

It’s time we surveyed the current employment status of some of the celebrities who catch our attention from time to time and entertain us intentionally or not. Without them, we would have nothing to take our minds off the day-to-day drudgery that many of us call our lives.

Career in rehab: Tiger Woods

Career over: John Edwards, for finally admitting the baby is his!

Career on hiatus: Conan O’Brien

Career poised for a comeback: Jay Leno

Career just content to sit on the sidelines and make wise ass comments at the expense of Conan O’Brien, Jay Leno, and NBC: David Letterman

Career down in flames: Martha Coakley, for not getting that very important promotion to the US Senate

Career dead and buried: Michael Jackson, although his demise won’t prevent him from making millions of dollars this year anyway

Career which should be ended with extreme prejudice at the hands of an angry mob of enraged liberals marching by torchlight: Rush Limbaugh, for telling his beloved “dittoheads” not to send aid to Haiti

Career which should be ended with extreme prejudice at the hands of an angry mob, etc, etc: Pat Robertson (Honorable Mention)

Career plagued by delusions of grandeur: Sarah Palin. Who else?

(Thank you for reading! Please consider a career in public service...after all, someone is sure to find it amusing!)

The Devil and Pat Robertson

The recent earthquake in Haiti has had a number of repercussions throughout the world. First, in Haiti itself, there has been horrendous loss of life and destruction; the latest estimates are that over 100,000 are dead. Many nations are preparing to help with any rescue efforts which will alleviate the suffering.

Many experts see this disaster as an opportunity for Haiti to rebuild its infrastructure and prevent massive destruction from happening in the future. Then there is the case of one American commentator whose statements on the disaster could — and should — embarrass anyone who considers themselves a Christian.

On his 700 Club television show, televangelist Pat Robertson noted the earthquake before giving a short history of how Haiti gained its independence from the French in the 1790s. It was an interesting historical footnote which involved — in his telling of it — voodoo and Satan. He finished his little anecdote with the words, “True story,” and many who heard it insisted that he implied that there was connection between Haiti’s deal with the devil and the earthquake.

Maybe he did or did not mean to imply that the earthquake was God’s way of punishing the people of Haiti. Perhaps he just recounted the history lesson to fill some time on his show. In any event, the placement of this historical tale in the context of the earthquake story did not seem appropriate.

Let’s get this straight: the people of Haiti are suffering the worst in a long running series of natural disasters; thousands are dead, many more will probably die, and thousands are still buried in the debris. Then some wise guy Christian leader throws the devil in their face? Way to kick the people when they’re down and out, rev! Shouldn’t you as a Christian be comforting them in their time of need? You may think you have a valid point of view, but your timing sucks!

Furthermore, we should differentiate between Robertson’s concept of the truth and historical accuracy in his “true story”. As a religious scholar and leader, Robertson believes every word of scripture as fact. That is his right and prerogative. On the other hand, historians need solid proof of an event happening before they will agree that it actually did happen. In their research, historians will deal with primary sources and secondary sources.

In this case, a primary source could include, among other things, the actual paper contract between the Haitian leaders of the revolt against France and Satan, signed by Beelzebub himself. Oh, let’s not forget: this would have to be a wet signature. No photocopies or faxes are acceptable as a primary source. Historians work under very strict rules.

A secondary source could include, among other things, a newspaper account of the deal or even a story about the signing ceremony itself. I haven’t researched this incident extensively, but I believe that neither a contract nor any journalistic pieces have yet surfaced. With this in mind, I’m inclined to see the Haiti/Satan story as a legend and chalk up Haiti’s troubles to extremely bad luck, terrible government, and location, location, location.

In any case, relief is pouring into Haiti and Robertson has crawled back into the woodwork of his own media empire. Still, there is a silver lining to this whole episode which has restored my faith in the existence of a superior being. Someone has offered a voodoo doll version of Pat Robertson for sale on Ebay.

Yes, there is a God after all!

(Thank you for reading. Please remember to help the people of Haiti wherever and whenever you can.)

The Elephant in the Room Squirms

Within the last week, a new book about the 2008 Presidential election, Game Changes, caused quite a stir among the policy wonks inside the Beltway. The book sounds like it is an exhaustive survey of both parties quest for the White House. There’s plenty of dirt to dish around here!

Among the highlights: more than one point of misunderstanding between Barack Obama and running mate Joe Biden; John McCain’s misgivings about the direction of his campaign; potential Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton suspecting Obama of cheating to get the nomination; Bill Clinton acting like a plantation owner in the antebellum South; and McCain running mate Sarah Palin giving everyone the impression that she was a political idiot.

Well, it’s two years later and my, how times have changed! Obama is President and getting along with Biden. McCain has abandoned his pledge to support Obama in the spirit of bipartisanship and resembles the back bench bomb thrower that Newt Gingrich used to be. Hillary is cementing her legacy as Secretary of State, while husband Bill is helping with the Haitian earthquake disaster. And, of course, Sarah Palin is still giving everyone the impression that she is a political idiot.

The most startling revelation from the book involved Majority Senate Leader Harry Reid's assertion that Obama could win because he is a “light-skinned” African American “with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.” The quote set off a firestorm of protest from Republicans who cried for his resignation, and a round of apologies from Reid to Obama and to every major African American leader within shouting distance. Strangely, everyone who could have been offended by the remark accepted his apology, and Republicans were robbed of gaining political points from a poorly worded assessment about Obama’s chances.

Unfortunately Reid’s sentiment points to a still ugly truth about race relations in the United States. This is indeed the elephant in the room that we try to ignore but can’t. The elephant was with the Founding Fathers in Philadelphia and it’s alive and well today in so-called post racial America.

Reid’s comments are — dare I say it — accepted as political common sense that could be supported by reams of empirical data in countless exit voter polls. It’s sad, but most likely true characteristic of human nature: an articulate light skinned African American would be more readily acceptable to voters than a darker skinned African American.

Let’s be very honest with each other here. Prejudice between members of the same race can and does exist. News flash, people: not all white people like all other white people just because they are white! We can’t solve our race problem until we acknowledge how widespread and insidious bigotry really is.

Words can hurt, but words can also heal. Actions are the greatest remedy for all of human nature’s follies and foibles. Today, we honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who dedicated his life through words and actions to lift up the African American community so that American society as a whole could move forward.

Now, having written all this, I hope I don’t have the same trouble that Senator Reid had with his comments. I hope the elephant in the room doesn’t squirm and roll over on top of m-...ow! Ow! OW! It’s on my foot! Get it off! GET IT OFF!

(Thank you for reading. Please remember to do the right thing today...and always!)