Item: Political pundits note the
Democratic Party is courting the young female vote in anticipation of the 2014
mi-term elections. This looks like a job
apartment somewhere in America. A young
woman is curled up on her couch, texting friends on her iphone. There is a knock on the door.
CLINTON: It’s Bill Clinton for the Democratic Party!
cautiously opens the door and the 42nd President of the United States steps
CLINTON: Good evening, miss. As I said, I am Bill Clinton and I am going
door to door to talk to young voters like you about the Democratic Party!
WOMAN: Ooh! I
like parties! Will there be beer?
(chuckles) Well, no, it’s not that kind
of party. The Democratic Party is an
organization dedicated to serving America’s young people, creating
opportunities which will make them stronger, better citizens.
CLINTON: Is there something wrong?
WOMAN: Well, no, it’s just that the Democrats
really pushed for Obamacare and that made my friends and I buy health
insurance that we don’t really need! We’re not sick! My friends and I are
all healthy! We don’t see why we need to
choose between paying for health insurance or a tax penalty! It’s not fair!
Well, I feel your pain, but the Democrats are more than just Obamacare! Let me take a moment to get some information
from you for our demographics department. They make me complete an exhaustive questionnaire for everyone to whom I speak. I’ll just be a
minute. You can just stand her and
admire my Adonis-like physique…
CLINTON: ...while I get my pen and paper out. Okay, let’s see, gender. Obviously female. Um, can I ask your age?
CLINTON: Good! Well above the age of consent…um, single or married?
CLINTON: Great! Thank you! That completes our
exhaustive questionnaire! Well, let me ask
you, what are your concerns about living in America?
WOMAN: Oh, I
don’t know. I just enjoy living my life
in freedom, working at a great job, and hanging out with my friends. I don’t like someone else telling me what I
can and can’t do.
understand. Could we sit on your couch
and discuss this?
(they sit on
know, I was young once and I had the same feelings that you have now. Then I realized that sometimes we all need
some amount of authority in our lives. Whether you know it or not, we human beings all crave structure in
our lives. Government provides that need
to make life better for everyone.
I don’t know…
know, I’m talking in generalities. Maybe
I should be more specific to your concerns. How do you feel about birth
WOMAN: Well, it’s okay, I guess. Oh, I don’t use them myself!
CLINTON: Of course not! My point is that the Democratic Party would allow
you the freedom to choose whether you want to use them or not. The Democratic Party is trying to preserve
your right to choose to have an abortion if, for some unforeseen reason, you
end up being pregnant and you do not want to keep the baby. The Republican Party wants to take away your
WOMAN: Re…re…what was that first word you said?
CLINTON: Reproductive rights?
WOMAN: No, that first word you said with re…repub…
CLINTON: Oh, Republican!
WOMAN: Yeah, that’s it! Anyway, I don’t have to worry about getting
pregnant. I don’t have a boyfriend.
CLINTON: Oh, really? (slides closer to the woman) Our questionnaire didn’t cover that! I’ll have to talk to our pollsters in the
demographic department. (the woman
CLINTON: Say, is it getting hot in here or is it just
WOMAN: Oh, I
don’t know. Anyway, there is something
else your questionnaire didn’t cover…
CLINTON: What? Wait, your name…your name isn’t Monica by some chance?
WOMAN: No, my name isn’t Monica, Bill Clinton!
CLINTON: Wait, that voice! You’re…you’re…
rips her mask off her head)
PALIN: That’s right, Bill! And I can tell you you’re not man enough to
take on my values!
CLINTON: Really? You forget that I’ve been married to Hillary for nearly 40 years! If I
can handle her…
PALIN: I’m also not alone! Todd! Get in here and whip some conservative values into this liberal pussy! (pumps fist into the air) Barefoot and pregnant forever! Woo-hoo!
CLINTON: Curses! Busted again!
for reading! Hillary! Look out! Incoming Nike!)