arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

My Photo
Name:
Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Pack It In, Psychotherapists



The demise of the concept and discipline of psychotherapy is at hand. Why do I make such an outrageous statement? 
 
Actually, I question that my statement is no more outrageous than saying that Mexico is sending their worst citizens to our country. More outrageous than questioning a Vietnam veteran’s credibility as a war hero, given that he was captured and tortured by the enemy? More outrageous than the boorish behavior exhibited at a political debate and afterwards casting sour grapes at one of the questioners because the questions were too tough?

See how my outrageous statement can get lost in this shuffle!

We all know who the source of these events is. I won’t name him here; lord knows he gets enough publicity on his own. However, to avoid confusion, we will name him He Who Wears A Badger Toupee. We’ll call him Badger Toupee for short.

Ever since the race for the White House 2016 began (I believe it was January 20th, 2013), there has been a lot of opportunity for responsible political discourse to resolve society’s problems. Instead, we have been treated to a lot of hot air that is, to put it frankly, stupid.

All of the 17,000 Republican candidates vying for the presidency can share in the blame for this phenomenon of political meteorology, but Badger Toupee has been consistently ahead of the pack. Unlike the other political candidates, he has zero political cred, but his supporters are saying that this is his strength. He is the outsider who is shaking up the established status quo of stagnant governance.

I’m all for sending a message to DC that the obstructionist style of governing needs to change, but Badger Toupee is and cannot be the American voters’ final salvation. He topped the polls when he derided Mexicans as thieves and rapists. He didn’t suffer any sag in his popularity when he said Senator John McCain is not a hero. Then, since the first debate last week when he blew back at Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly when he suggested that she possibly succumbed to a female hormonal weakness when she questioned his sexist past, a new crop of polls came out. 

Any sane person would have thought that this, finally, would affect Badger Toupee’s poll numbers. The controversy from the past weekend would surely produce a backlash that would end his political ambitions once and for all, and exile him back to the canyons of Manhattan. Surely this would happen, right?

Nope, Badger Toupee is still topping the polls for favorite Republican candidate. PEOPLE, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???!!!!

The conclusion is obvious: there is no longer a sane person living on this planet, ergo my pronouncement about the future of psychotherapy at the top of the page. 
    
Dear Psychotherapists, you have provided a wonderful service in the name of humanity for many years. You have helped many people overcome their fears, their phobias, their anxieties, and many of us owe you a debt which can never be repaid. But, let’s face it, it’s over. Badger Toupee's continued popularity despite chronic stupidity is undoubtedly a sign of the coming cultural psychological apocalypse.

So where do you go from here? Many of you have earned a comfortable retirement, lounging by a pool somewhere, traveling at your leisure, and doing anything you want to enjoy life in this insane world. Or, if you still feel a need to do something, then perhaps you can take the easier alternative. Instead of trying to cure psychoses, perhaps you should go the other way. You should consider convincing the sane (there can’t be that many left in the world) and those of us who are otherwise undiagnosed to become psychotic.  

Obviously the American electorate, or at least those answering these polls, has gone stark raving mad. Come Election Day 2016, who will notice the difference.

(DISCLAIMER: THE EDITORIAL BOARD OF ARTEEJEE THOROUGHLY REJECTS THE PREMISE OF THIS BLOG ENTRY. THE AUTHOR IS OBVIOUSLY SUFFERING FROM SOME SORT OF HORMONAL URGE SOMEWHERE. PLEASE EXCUSE HIM FROM BLOGGING FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.)

And, oh yes, free guns for everyone! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

(Thank you for reading. Or, if you insist on continuing to treat the insane American voter, then God bless you.)

Saturday, August 08, 2015

As One Circus Folds, A Sideshow Begins…



The Daily Show with Jon Stewart came to an end this week, with many pundits rightly decrying that this was the end of an era. Meanwhile, on the same night and a few hours after Stewart taped his final episode, Fox News debut their masterpiece of accidental satire, The Fox News Republican Presidential Debate.

But more about those losers later….

I remember very well when Stewart took over the reins of the show from Craig Kilborn in 1999. The takeover seemed hostile at first. At the time, Stewart’s most striking comment was that the current crop of correspondents was “history”. We were fearful at the time that our beloved Daily Show would also be history soon.

Fortunately, our fears were unfounded. Yes, God Stuff (a piece highlighting the most absurd televangelist moments of the week) limped along for awhile under Stewart, and creator Liz Winstead’s parents no longer called in their Final Jeopardy question of the day. Kilborn's jealousy took the Five Questions segment with him. (Sample question to John Cleese, “Why does British food suck?” Answer, somewhat huffily as I recall, “Because we had an empire to run.”)

The debacle of the 2000 presidential election gave the show a chance to prove its satirical chops with a segment called Indecison 2000. The events of 9/11 and our subsequent invasion into various venues in the mideast forced the show to shift its focus further away from satire of pop culture into a lampoon of the daily issues. The Stewart era settled into a nice comfortable groove from that point forward.

There was always laughter at the expense of ourselves and our views, and occasionally there were flashes of brilliant journalism. One moment that truly rose to the level of Edward R. Murrow was Stewart’s interview of a group of 9/11 first responders on the eve (12/16/2010) of a Congressional vote to extend healthcare benefits to those who had been exposed to life-threatening substances when they performed their duties that day. Up to that point, legislation was stalled in the Senate courtesy of a Republican led filibuster. Stewart’s actions shamed Congress for the stall and shamed the other media outlets for not covering the story.

The bill passed both houses five days later. The accomplishment was not too shabby for a “news program" on a comedy network that once got by on the strength of a puppet show (No, not Crank Yankers, but MST3K.)

This week, Stewart did not say goodbye, but would only say the show was pausing in its national conversation and that he himself was "going to get a drink”. Good for him, but leaving so that the satire void is filled by the amateurs at Fox News? I’m not totally comfortable with this alternative. 

And so it came to pass on Thursday night that the candidates ranking highest in the polls gathered in Cleveland under the auspices of Fox News for the first of what will most likely be an interminable number of televised debates. It was nearly a brawl on the lake when Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly (and the other candidates, for that matter) took on top seed blowhard Donald Trump. The ratings were great for Fox, which almost guarantees that America will be subjected to a long series of these events without actually making a reality series out of the political process.

Did I say accidental satire? I probably should have termed this a freak show.  After all, this is democracy in action!

The almost a catfight in Cleveland took some nasty turns. Rand Paul and New Jersey Governor in Absentia Chris Christie got into a heated exchange about warrants for possible terrorists. Trump and Kelly also nearly came to fisticuffs over his characterization of women as “fat pigs,” “dogs,” et al. Reportedly, the other eight candidates also attended, but apparently did not do anything overtly controversial to warrant them a mention on the media outlets the next morning.

And these people want us to choose the next leader of the free world from among them? And this is the world Jon Stewart left us to survive on our own???

Hmm…

Jon, come back! Come back, Jon!

(Thank you for reading. Seriously, Mr. Stewart, have a drink, enjoy life, but don’t make yourself a stranger.)

Tuesday, August 04, 2015

SPECTRE Returns



The next James Bond film is due out this year, and it appears that the producers are reaching way back into the Ian Fleming novels to resurrect Bond’s old nemesis, the terrorist organization known as SPECTRE. I can’t help wondering if any thought has been given to reaching out to the remainder of the Fleming oeuvre. A scene from the next Bond film might play out something like this.

Q: Okay Bond, here is your Walther PPK for your next mission. Try not to lose it. Our budget this year is tighter than a euro in Greece.

Bond: Are you kidding? Replacing one of these should not be a problem, especially if I find myself in America. Hell, I could walk into any pawn shop in that country and buy one over the counter. They wouldn’t even question my numerous psychoses on their silly forms.

Q: Well, you might be right about that. Now pay attention, you’ll have a new car for your next assignment. Here it is….

Bond: What??? That! That is my new car?? 

Q: Don’t scoff, 007! It may be an older model than what you’re used to, but it is reliable.

Bond: Not as reliable as my Aston Martin!

Q: Aston Martin! Now you’re the one that’s kidding! What have I requested that you do with the Aston Martin before every one of your assignments over the past 50 plus years?

Bond: (tired sigh) “Try to bring it back in one piece.”

Q: What part of that don’t you understand? There are no more Aston Martins. Every one of them we’ve allowed you to drive is either blown up, riddled with bullets, or comes back with disgusting stains on the backseat upholstery. You’ve voided the warranty on every Aston Martin Her Majesty ever purchased for government service!   

Bond: All of them?

Q: All of them! You’ve been through the lot!

Bond: All right, but this thing looks ridiculous! What are those things coming out of the sides?

Q: Those are wings! Just press the button underneath the steering wheel and voila! It becomes a flying machine.

Bond: Flying Machine…as in "Smile a Little Smile for Me"? 

Q: Enough of your juvenile references to 1960’s music pop culture, 007! This is all that’s available for your next mission.

Bond: But I can’t drive this! I have a certain reputation to uphold! With an Aston Martin, I exude the personification of testosterone overload, oozing with confidence, sophistication, and danger. If any self-respecting terrorist group sees me drive up in this, they’ll laugh themselves to death.

Q: We don’t care how you use your license to kill, 007. If they laugh to death, then so be it.

Bond: But, Q…

Q: But nothing, Bond. It’s Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or nothing!

(Thank you for reading. I can hardly wait for SPECTRE.)

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Update: Prep Day



I’ll keep this short, but suffice to say I survived another colonoscopy. This was my third since I turned 45. The standard thinking is to have one at age 50 and, if they don’t find anything, they don’t want to see your ass (pun intended) for 10 years. However, anyone like me, who shows signs of a possible pre-cancerous condition, gets the honor of having the procedure preformed every three years.

Lucky me!

The prep day as expected was a major pain in the ass (again pun intended). It was a long day of hunger, and lots of drinking, punctuated by short explosions of bowel material. (I’m trying to keep this entry as tasteful as possible. Besides, I couldn’t find a suitable term in Ur Spo’s Book of Big Words.)

The day of the event went as well as could be expected. Lots of questions from the registration, the first nurse, the surgeon, the second nurse, the anesthetist, and still another person who actually administered the anesthesia. Warrior Queen, meanwhile, amused herself with her knitting, snarky comments about the television in the waiting room, snarky comments about the healthcare business, all the while trying to relax after a restless night because yours truly had several bowel explosions in the middle of the night. 

I was done in about 20 minutes and the surgeon did not find any polyps this time. Yay! He did remind me that I have a diverticulous condition and mentioned something about those pesky internal hemorrhoids. My hemorrhoids and I go way back…1983 if memory serves me correctly. I have learned to live with them and treat them nicely so that they don’t make my rear end miserable.

We did not take any photos of our travails. No selfies with any of the staff, although the surgeon himself did snap a few photos as he traveled through my insides. We won’t be publishing those either. Warrior Queen has determined that publication of those pictures would probably violate every form of human decency known to mankind.

I think I’ll try to sell them to Fox News.

(Thank you for reading. Pardon me…I feel another explosion coming on!)

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Prep Day Drinking Game


Hey kids! Remember those fun college days when you were gathered around the table with your friends on the weekends and you wanted to get drunk as fast as you could? Sure, we all do! At some point during those weekends, someone would suggest a drinking game to expedite everyone’s main goal of drinking to excess and losing every bit of food you ever consumed in your life during one trip to the toilet bowl. As you may recall, everyone playing the game would take a drink when a certain event happened, or someone said a certain word.

I am inviting anyone who has free time on Tuesday (July 28) to join me in a drinking game. I will supply a list of events which, if they happen, you can drink whatever refreshing libation you choose. I will be playing this game by default, as I will be having a prep day for a colonoscopy on Wednesday. I will be required to drink 12 ounces of clear liquid every hour,* which may take my percentage of water to body ratio from 98% to, oh, I don’t know, 200 or 300%!

So keep your eyes and ears open on Tuesday and drink up!!!!

1. Donald Trump says something mean about one of his fellow Republican candidates for President.

2. Another Republican announces their candidacy for President and immediately qualifies for abuse from The Donald.

3. A media pundit whines that Atticus Finch is a racist bastard!

4. The Donald files a lawsuit for damages when someone says a mean thing about him.  (This may be good for five or six rounds in one hour.)

5. Harper Lee confesses that when she approved the publication of To Set a Watchman, she thought she was Margaret Mitchell approving publication of the sequel to Gone with the Wind.

6. Mike Huckabee chokes on a chicken sandwich at you know where.

7. A second hand completes a full rotation on a clock face in sixty seconds.  (Actually this might be a game ender!)

8. Another woman steps forward to accuse Bill Cosby of rape. 

9. The Donald accidently sues himself!

*My surgeon has advised me gin, rum, whiskey and amaretto do not qualify as clear liquids! Bummer! 

(Thank you for coming back and reading! “Drink, drink, let the toast start/ May young hearts never part/drink, drink, drink/ Let every lover salute his sweetheart/Let’s drink!”)