arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Saturday, July 14, 2018

Announced: The President’s 2020 Campaign Committee


For immediate release to fake news outlets and satirical blogs: the following people have been named to the Trump 2020 Presidential Campaign Committee:

Boris Badanov

Natasha (no last name supplied)

Roger Stonesky

Paul Manafortovitch

Lolita (no last name supplied)

Sergei Gunther (no relation)

Vladimer Internettrollsky

Emma Goldman*

Katrinka Benghazi**

The President is incredibly excited to have these true red Americans working on his campaign for re-election.

*This maybe a typo.

**This is not a typo.

(Thank you for reading.  And God help us all!)

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Snort Bites: June 2018*


PRESIDENT FUHRER HAS RALLY IN DULUTH, MI; NATIONAL MEDIA PASS ON COVERING THE EVENT.


Another week and another “How Great Am I” political rally featuring the President has occurred.  This time only one news organization, Fox News, covered the event.  The other networks, most notably the conservative-feared CNN, chose to sit this one out.


Who can blame them for the non-coverage.   I dare say I could write the script for one of these events with my eyes closed:


President:  ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!


(Pause for applause and sheep baaing.)


President:  Democrats suck!


ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!

                  
you

                  
ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!

             
(Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, ad NAUSEUM.)


In other words, these rallies are no longer news worthy.


Also, why does Fox News repeatedly misspell their own name.  It’s not F-o-x N-e-w-s.  Your name is more properly spelled P-r-o-p-a-g-a-n-d-a M-i-n-i-s-t-r-y.  Get it right, Fox!


PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN MANAGER DISPARAGES AN AUTISTIC CHILD ON NATIONAL TELEVISION INTERVIEW.


Corey Lewandowski (remember him) was part of a nationally televised interview this week discussing the immigration crisis.  Another panelist shared the story of a 10-year-old autistic child being separated from his mother. 

Lewandowski dismissed the account with a roll of his eyes and uttering “Womp, womp.”  The other panelist immediately pounced.  Social media reaction followed swiftly. 



Reportedly, Lewandowski has since lost his contract with his speaker’s bureau due to the incident.



What more is there to say, but (all together now): Womp, womp!



PRESIDENT’S PRESS SECRETARY ASKED TO LEAVE RESTAURANT BECAUSE SHE WORKS FOR THE PRESIDENT.



Sarah Huckabee Saunders and her party attempted to dine at a farm to table restaurant in Virginia.  The staff brought her presence to the attention of the restaurant owner who asked the party to leave.  Huckabee complied, but then went full drama queen on social media.   Naturally, social media buzzed back pro and con and loudly.



Reportedly, the owner cited her reasoning for the ouster as Huckabee’s lies and the administrations treatment of children at the border as violating her religious beliefs.  Imagine that!  A progressive resistor using the religious freedom argument against those who believe they don’t have to bake a cake for a gay couple.



The Huckabee incident followed closely on the heels of two other incidents when protestors of the administrations immigration policies heckled other members of the President’s administration while they dined in public.  Things like this aren’t supposed to happen in a polite civilization.  Oh, wait.  We ceased being a polite civilization on November 8, 2016.



Oh well!   Can I hear a “Womp, womp”?



WOMP! WOMP!



Hey, this is fun!



*Or I Don’t Need Your Womp, Womp!


(Thank you for reading.  Please use womp womp wisely.  Too much of a good thing can be addictive.)

Sunday, June 17, 2018

So Not Chinese Proverbs


Recently, a member of the President’s family attempted a moment of philosophical introspection by offering some bromide about not attacking people who are trying to do great things in the world.  Ivanka (last name withheld due to self-imposed blog restrictions) issued what she quoted as an old Chinese proverb about the same time that her old man (Der Orange Fuhrer) met with North Korea’s Great Dictator.  The timing of her quote with the Singapore summit made the under lying meaning obvious: stop picking on my Daddy.

The Twitter and blogosphere went nuts!  Many people pointed out to Princess Vapid that her quote was not a Chinese proverb at all, but rather a badly paraphrased Western Culture version of an ancient profound statement.  Others determined that her quote wouldn’t even make it as a Chinese fortune cookie fortune. 

Poor dear…she had it coming!

In this spirit, we offer examples of other great quotes that never have and never will be mistakenly recognized as Chinese proverbs:

“You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think!” - Dorothy Lotus Flower Parker

“People are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.” - Groucho Ko-Ko Marx

“Do you find me amusing?” - Joe Chen Pesci

 “…speakin' of the city, ‘It ain't no place for women gals, but pretty men go thar." - W.C. Mahatma Fields

“I want you/I need you/But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you/Now don't be sad/'Cause two out of three ain't bad” - Kung Pao Meatloaf

“I’m not a crook.” - Richard Mao Nixon
           
“Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!” - Rosalind Madame Russell

“Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong.” - Stephen Stills

And finally, last but not least:

F**k the Emperor!” - Robert Wang Chung DeNiro

So there!

(Thank you for reading.  And now my contribution: People who always look down may never see the sun shine.)