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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The 2007 State of the Disunion

Perhaps more Americans would pay attention to the annual State of the Union address if it were hosted by play-by-play announcer Rhett Crit, and color analyst Johnny Drama. The presentation could begin with the following introduction.

CRIT - Hello, everyone, and welcome to the 2007 State of the Union address. My name is Rhett Crit, and I’ll be your host for this evening. Joining me for color analysis is Johnny Drama.

DRAMA – Hi, everybody, and it’s a great evening here in Washington. Members of all three branches of the federal government filing into the House chamber, ready to hear President Bush outline his objectives for this year. I see a lot of hand shaking, many people reaching across the aisle, and is that someone campaigning down there?

CRIT – Yes, that’s Senator Clinton handing out “Hillary in 2008” buttons. You have to admire her chutzpah. That plucky lady is not letting the grass grow under her feet.

DRAMA – No, indeed, but let’s turn out attention to the star of the evening, George W. Bush. As you know, he’s coming off of a rough season. He’s down in the standings, taking a beating on his handling of Iraq, and unable to get any of his domestic agenda off the ground. I have to wonder if it isn’t time to call in a relief pitcher.

CRIT – Don’t tell me, you used to work for ESPN?

DRAMA – How did you know?

CRIT – Lucky guess. However, Johnny, you are correct. Bush has been beaten back in the last year, and prospects for this year are not good since the Democrats now control Congress. Tonight he is expected to ask for more troops and money for Iraq, some ideas to combat global warming, and propose health insurance coverage for everyone funded by tax deductions. It’ll be interesting to see how this will go over with Congress.

DRAMA – I predict a very interesting evening. Bush will probably get some applause, a few standing ovations, but for the most part I think that at least half of the chamber will sit on their hands for most of the evening.

CRIT – I believe that would be the Democrat section of the chamber.

DRAMA - Yes, the Democrats should have a nice comfortable evening ahead of them. They’ll just sit back in their chairs, nod occasionally, and let the Republicans stand up for the ovations and sit down again.

CRIT – Your description reminds me of the Bill Clinton State of the Union address, just after Newt Gingrich help sweep the Republicans into the majority. There wasn’t much movement on the Republican side that night.

DRAMA - No there wasn’t, Rhett. As I recall, a few of them passed away from boredom. No, I’m kidding of course, but perhaps bi-partisanship will prevail. It is hoped that everyone will put aside their differences and negotiate compromises on all of the issues facing this country tonight.


CRIT - Oh, that was a good one, Johnny! I haven’t laughed that hard since I heard the President try to pronounce the word “nuclear”.

DRAMA - Speaking of laughing, we should point out the new wrinkle in this year’s telecast. This will be the first year that the State of the Union address will be telecast with a laugh track. This will make it easier for you folks at home to tell the difference between when the President is serious, and when he is full of it.

CRIT - Right, Johnny. We should also point out that a non-partisan reporter from Comedy Central will man the laugh track. After all, if they don’t know funny, then nobody knows!

DRAMA - Well, everyone is getting into place, and we should break for a quick word from the American Lobbyists Incorporated, influencing American Democracy for 230 years! We’ll be right back!


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