A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Notes to Self

I’m sure we’ve all been in situations that turn out bad, and no matter what we do the result cannot be fixed. It’s times like these when all you can do is try to make something positive out of the experience by promising yourself to avoid situations like this in the future. This is when we all make mental notes to ourselves, which is something I had the opportunity to do several times during last weekend.

My first note to myself is: when issuing or answering an invitation to dinner, refrain from using the expression, “Aw, go f*** yourself!” The use of this expression is not at all polite nor diplomatic, and is in fact counter-productive, since no one given this invitation will likely show up for dinner. There is a long story behind this revelation, and perhaps someday it will grow into one of those “Someday-we’ll-laugh-at-this-story”, but trust me on this. At this time the back-story is not so much funny ha-ha as funny strange.

Having skipped dinner at my brother’s house, I went to the movies to see “The Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End”. The film opens with men, women and children being hanged until they are dead. Unfortunately, there was no title telling me what year the scene takes place. I was forced to surmise that - since civil liberties were being suspended in the scene - that it had to have occurred in Nazi Germany, 1938. Or perhaps it was George W. Bush’s America, 2008.

The film is fast-paced and action filled with much swashbuckling intrigue. However, at one point, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) addresses a collection of his colleagues. He announces that four people in this group have tried to kill him, and one of those people succeeded. Whoa, I’ve missed a few plots along the way. Oh, I remember now. This is the third film in the series and I’ve only seen the first film. Second note to self: rent “Pirates of the Caribbean – The Um...Hmm...The Second Film” so I can figure out what the hell Captain Sparrow is mincing on about.

The climax of the film is a great battle in a maelstrom created by a spooky-looking chick that grows to be seventy feet tall. The special effects are dazzling and so realistic that I felt the ocean water creep up to my kidneys. Then I realized that it probably wasn’t salt-water backing up, but rather I was feeling the effects of drinking liquid refreshment over the course of two-and-a-half hours without a restroom break. Third note to self: when viewing a film that runs beyond two hours and you don’t want to interrupt the viewing to go pee, it is best not to purchase the massive, huge, multiple gallon soda, otherwise known as “The Bladder Buster”!

I returned home from upstate Pennsylvania on Sunday. Unfortunately, I had so much on my mind that I missed my exit from I-80 East. I continued to the next exit hoping to make a simple turnaround back onto I-80 West by using the overpass at Blakesley. This exit was the closest to the Pocono Speedway, and it just happened to be Pocono 500 weekend. The overpass was blocked off and, presumably, all roads were routed towards this swirling vortex known as NASCAR Heaven. Apparently the State Police believe, “Hey, everybody loves NASCAR. Everybody should want to go to the races!”
Fourth note to myself: do not venture anywhere near northeast Pennsylvania during Pocono race weekend. Escape is difficult, but not impossible.

I intend to stash these notes away in the recesses of my mind – what little I have left – for future reference.


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