A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Going Out On Top

Shockwaves have been sent through the political world at the news that Fidel Castro has stepped down as President of Cuba for health reasons. Many people never thought they would see this day, but it is finally here. The feeling was he would die in office, but instead he’s going out while he’s still on top. Unfortunately, no one is expecting any drastic changes in Cuban society right away.

Similarly, a few weeks ago, Mitt Romney gave up his quest for the White House for the good of the country. It’s refreshing to see leaders like these realize that it is time for them to retire. I’ll go further into this territory of historical theory, and state it would have been very nice if some other leaders from the past had left office much sooner than they actually did.

People like, for example, ADOLPH HITLER

My Fellow Germans:

After much careful consideration, I have decided to step down as your Fuehrer. I know this will come as a great shock to many of my followers, but after consulting with my astrologer I am convinced that my vision for a glorious Thousand-Year Reich will only destroy our beloved Fatherland.

I now know that my policies were doomed to failure. The Final Solution...what was I thinking? Honestly, I don’t know where my head was at when we conceived that idea. I cannot let this happen to you and our country.

Or former Whitewater “independent” counsel KEN STARR

Dear Justice Department:

I am writing to you today to resign from my post as independent prosecutor for the Whitewater affair. My reasons are varied, but suffice it to say that I had an epiphany this morning while jogging and humming my favorite hymn. I realized that this investigation is not a high, noble pursuit of justice and righteousness, but that it is – as my critics have been saying all along – a vicious, ill-conceived witch-hunt.

Please don’t get me wrong: I hate the Clintons with a passion, but I have concluded that we imperil the actions of future Presidents by setting the bar of honesty so low. Seriously, does any of us really care if Bill Clinton got it on with an intern? The little tease gets whatever she deserves, but we must preserve the Executive Branch. Besides, there are so many other issues that demand our attention at this time that we mustn’t allow one lie to distract us from our service to the American people.

I regret that I leave with my work half-finished, but I must step aside for the good of the country. If only I didn’t hate the Clintons so much. God, I hate them! I hate them! I hate them!

Or how about GEORGE W. BUSH

My Fellow Americans:

I come to you today with a heavy heart to announce that I am resigning as President of the United States effective immediately. My decision was not arrived upon lightly. I still believe that I have pursued the right course for our country in the war against terror. Despite the successes of my administration, I know now that I should step aside and not allow the United States to remain divided.

I will confess that my decision is based on a conversation I had with Laura. Over dinner last night she asked me, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” Well, I was stumped. I thought about it and, in fact, I was up all night debating my choices. I concluded that if I, as leader of the free world, could not answer this question, then I have no business serving as your President.

Believe me, I felt dumber than a pile of dog dirt, but at the same time I felt as if a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. If you people only realized what I went through every day, but that’s in the past.

For those of you wondering how my resignation will affect our country, I will assure you that, outside of a name change in the Oval Office, you will not notice any difference. You see, my decision puts Dick Cheney in charge now.

PS - Sorry about the Constitution! Maybe Dick can tape it back together for you...

I know this is all far-fetched, but a liberal can dream, can’t he?


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