A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Dear Iowa

This week, you embark on your most unique role of political gatekeeper for the rest of the country with your quadrennial caucuses. As you know, this is when you take a break from feeding your hogs, husking your corn, and do whatever else it is you do when the Hawkeyes aren’t playing.

(Okay, fine intro, but I started to doze halfway through…and I’m the writer. Make your point!)

We realize that you face a considerable challenge, since the pickings for the next president are slim. On one hand, you have Donald Trump, an egotistical, narcissistic bully, who is a wuss at heart. Yes, wuss! He sat out this week’s debate because the head of Fox News would not take his star anchor away from the proceedings, a star anchor who happens to be a girl! “Please, Roger,” Trump begged, “Don’t make me stand up in front of Megyn! She was mean to me!” Seriously, Iowa, this is the guy you expect to go up against ISIS? Against Putin? He’s afraid of girls!

(Better, but a bit wordy. Let’s keep it simple.)

Then, on the other hand, you have a Hispanic fellow from Canada, who claims he is eligible to be elected president, and vows to take away the ability of millions to pay for their healthcare. Then, on the other hand (I know, this is the third hand), there is another Hispanic fellow, handsome and charismatic in nature, who can’t seem to make up his mind whether to let other Hispanics into the country and share in the same opportunities that he enjoys.

And you, good people of Iowa, are giving these three the top positions in your political polls? Are you leading the country with your political choices, or allowing yourselves to be led by a certain news organization, or should I say alleged news organization? Or should I just come out and accuse you of understanding only Fox News sound bites and nothing more?

(Okay, fine so far, but let’s make it simpler. It’s one thing to look down our liberal, condescending noses at them, but quite another to engage in wholesale ethnocentrism.)


There, I said it!

Iowa, what in tarnation are you effin cornhuskers thinking????

Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio? Seriously????

Think carefully, Iowa. We will be watching, but we don’t have to follow your lead. 

Oh yeah, Iowa. Maybe you didn’t notice, but another week passed and another classic rock and roller died. This is an epidemic!

So, in memory of Paul Kantner, here is a video with images of a willowy woman whirling her threadbare clad body along a beach while Jefferson Airplane gives us their version of Alice In Wonderland. Warning: drugs were involved.

(Thank you for reading, and that goes for you, Iowa. "Hookah smoking caterpillars”? Yes, drugs were involved.)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't blame Trump for refusing to appear in this past debate (not that I will vote for him). In the first debate, Megyn Kelly asked Trump questions no male moderator could get away with, and pushed her issue too far. She behaved like a bleeding cunt, and Trump called her on it.

January 30, 2016 at 9:12 PM  
Anonymous Janey said...

Sorry, I did not indeed to not identify myself: that last comment was from Janey, who can be a bit of cunt herself, so she knows one when she sees and hears one!

January 30, 2016 at 9:14 PM  
Blogger Raybeard said...

I still don't quite get all the niceties of the American presidential election system, so some clarification please, if I may be so bold:-
In these state election to choose a representative, is it only 'officially registered' party supporters who vote for their preferred candidate or can anyone vote? - so those supporting other parties could, if they wish, vote for a candidate who could be detrimental to a party with which they have no sympathy. Thus Democratic party supporters could vote for Trump with the intention of giving Clinton a more likely victory? Having said that, I fear that now that we are so advanced in the cycle that choosing a Republican candidate other than Trump might make Mrs Clinton's job less easy.

January 31, 2016 at 12:18 PM  
Blogger Ur-spo said...

I am going underground with the groundhog for the next couple of days.

January 31, 2016 at 6:58 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thanks Janey for your viewpoint. Now if only someone could offend Trump so profoundly that he leave the race altogether....

Thank you Raybeard for your thoughts.
The primary situation varies from state to state. Some states like Iowa have caucuses, but many of the states have primary voting throughout the spring. Many are open primaries in which registered voters can vote for anyone in any party. Unfortunately we have closed primaries in Pennsylvania where Democrat voters can only vote for the Democrat Party candidates and voters registered Republican can only vote for the Republican candidates. This can be changed, but so far previous attempts to go to an open primary have failed.

Good luck, Spo, although I would not be surprised if the groundhog you burrow with has WIFI access.

February 5, 2016 at 6:58 AM  

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