A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Why a Yankees Loss/Phillies Win Is Good for America

Submitted for your approval: encounters with two very different baseball fans last weekend in the holiest of holy sites for the great old American pastime of baseball, Cooperstown, NY. The counterman at Sal’s Pizzeria — just down the street from the Hall of Fame — was asked for his pick in the World Series. He hoped the Dodgers would meet — and beat - the Yankees. His reason: the Yankees astronomical, disgusting payroll.

The next day, as we left our motel, a wild-haired gentleman in a Yankees jacket noticed our Phillies attire and said, “See ya in the World Series”. Anne Marie and I, still smarting from the victory which Chase Utley gift-wrapped for the Dodgers two nights before, were cautiously optimistic about our new acquaintance’s greeting. We chatted a short time and ultimately we shared a joke at the expense of the Mets. This Yankee’s fan explanation of the team name — which is hardly a new joke — was “My Entire Team Sucks”!

Now we know that this Yankees fan's optimism has come to pass: the Phillies are indeed playing the Yankees in the World Series. My mind is still reeling at the idea that my team is back in the World Series for a second year in a row! Never in my wildest dreams did I ever believe that this could happen to the Phillies — in the same lifetime! Naturally, I am rooting for the Fightins to win, but I don’t declare my loyalty out of a belief in their abilities to win, or simply hometown hubris. No, I have a third reason: a Phillies win will be good for America.

The man at Sal’s Pizzeria raised a good point. The Yankees, who have 27 World Series wins under their belts, have offended the gods of baseball with their obscene salary total. They believe that they can win the series just on their payroll alone. This payroll is not only obscene, but also immoral, unethical and, yes, probably fattening!

Think of it this way: baseball is the pastime of the common man. We all know who I mean, the hard-working American men and women, the everyday Joes and Josephines, who generation after generation have plunked down their hard-earned dollars for a seat, a beer, a hot dog and, perhaps in a bygone era, even a stogie. It is these people who will be denied access — economically speaking - to future baseball games if the Yankees win.

A Yankees victory will send a wrong message to a certain impressionable segment of the population. No, now I am not referring to the Joes and Josephines or even the eight-year-old residents of the Bronx who lustily cry out, “Moider dem bums!” I am referring to those wide-eyed and innocent baseball team owners.

They will interpret a Bronx Bombers triumph to mean that the World Series can be won by the highest bidder. This will translate to higher salaries for baseball players. It will translate into cheap seat tickets selling for hundreds of dollars...each! It will mean beers selling for $50 a cup, hot dogs for $25...mustard and relish extra! It will mean whole families will have to take out second mortgages just to see a ball game!

America’s pastime will be snatched out of the realm of the common man! It will become wholly owned by the elite and the wealthy, which up until now have had only the game of polo all to themselves. We’re familiar with polo, right? It’s a game played with mallets, not bats. It’s a game that leaves mounds of pony crap in its wake, which I can only assume is one thing the groundskeepers for major league baseball are grateful they don’t have to groom.

Consider this carefully, America. It’s more than just a game at stake this week in the Bronx. It is the future of America’s leisure time hanging in the balance.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember who’s on first!)


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