arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Snort Notes – February 2011

EGYPTIAN POPULATION REJOICES AT NEWS THAT HOSNI MUBAREK RESIGNS AS THEIR PRESIDENT

Honestly, I thought he would never leave. The man could not take the hint that he was no longer wanted. There were hundreds of thousands of his countrymen for God’s sake, willing to stay away from their homes for days on end, endure beatings and horrendous living conditions just to convey the message to him that they didn’t like the way he was doing things. Of course the closest thing we have come to this sort of event in America is known as the 1968 Democratic National Convention, but I digress...

Fortunately, Mubarak finally saw the light and left with his family for a resort. It was only after he left Cairo that his recently installed vice president announced Mubarak’s resignation and handover of power to the Egyptian Army. This resulted in much public rejoicing and anticipation that Egypt would move towards becoming a full-time democracy.

Ah, but what if this is a false alarm? I don’t mean to rain on anyone’s parade, but what if the vice president misread the announcement. What if, instead of the message, “I resign. Let the Army take over”, the message actually read, “I’m leaving for the weekend, resigned to the inescapable feeling that I need a break from the protesters in Cairo. Let the Army take over for the weekend. See ya Monday! Respectfully, Hosni.” This could be a major game changer for the protesters. On the other hand, it can’t compare to the rude awakening Mubarak might have when he returns from his long weekend and wonder why everyone is so happy...

WHITE HOUSE CONFIRMS THAT PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA HAS FINALLY DEFEATED HIS SMOKING HABIT

No joke here. I am honestly overjoyed to hear that someone has beaten the habit with the love and support of his family.

WASHINGTON PUNDITS NOTE THAT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS HASN’T ASKED A QUESTION DURING ARGUMENTS FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS

Reports out of Washington have noted that Thomas spends much of his time in silence when court is in session. Okay, so perhaps he is a good listener; there’s nothing wrong with that. On the other hand, has anyone bothered to check his pulse lately? The poor fellow could have died years ago and we wouldn’t know it. American history has many stories of hundreds of dead people voting in elections, but this could be the first time a dead judge voted.

Perhaps steps should be taken to revive Justice Thomas so that he is a productive member of the Supreme Court team again. Obviously he needs some activity or some stimulant to get his blood rushing in the morning. Maybe he could carpool with fellow Justice Antonin Scalia, who as The Washington Post noted years ago, drives really, really, really fast. I’m not saying that Scalia exceeds the speed limit on Shirley Highway, but I’m sure the trip would do Thomas wonders as he clutches Scalia’s dashboard for dear life.

Another idea: Justice Thomas could start each day with a big, caffeinated drink. Then repeat as necessary throughout the day. A Starbucks grande will do. A can of Coca Cola would be even better, pubic hair not included.

Yes, I went there! Kids, if you don’t get the Coca Cola reference, please Google Anita Hill, then sit back and relax with a Pepsi.

(Thank you for reading! Here’s another one you kids may not know: “Pepsi pours it on!”)

1 Comments:

Anonymous Janey said...

Oh, you are wicked with that pubic hair reference -- too funny! :-)

February 15, 2011 at 6:53 AM  

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