A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, July 29, 2011

Countdown to Happy Depression!

Is everyone missing the recession that allegedly ended nearly two years ago? Do you feel cheated that you did not suffer enough so you could consider yourself equal to your long-suffering grandparents who would recount endless stories of woe from the Great Depression? Fear not! The next cataclysmic economic disaster is coming soon...very soon.

How does Tuesday, August 2, work for you? That’s Tuesday, as in next Tuesday!

You’ll want to pencil that date on your calendar to remind yourself not to do something stupid, like winning the lottery that day. It wouldn’t be very becoming to have one person possessing what could possibly be the only money left in the country while the rest of us spiral downward into a whirlpool of economic ruin.

See, we’re already ahead of grandma and grandpa! They didn’t get advanced warning when Black Tuesday happened in October, 1929! It was a big surprise for everyone! We’re so lucky! We’ve been warned about the apocalypse for a few months now! Nobody can rightly say, “Gee, I didn’t know anything about this! What will I do?”

Now, those of you who have been continuously unemployed through the last recession and this brief period of pseudo-prosperity are due for a hearty round of congratulations! You people are ahead of the game! Obviously, you planned well! Many of us - who were only unemployed a short period of time, only to be lulled into a false sense of economic security when we found work again — are in for a rude awakening when the US guvmint (intentional misspelling mine) defaults on everything come Tuesday!

So now that we know it’s coming, what can we do to survive this? What a stupid question! Surely our survival is not as important as figuring out who to blame for the mess.

There are potentially two parties to blame: the esteemed President Obama and the Democratic members in both chambers of Congress, or the sniveling, cowardly, pig-headed members of Congress who also just happen to be of the Republican persuasion.* Of course, we can heap an extra helping of blame on the Tea Party fringe of the GOP, who seem perfectly happy to see the country go out of business if it’ll make President Obama look bad. This is 100% selfishness, pure and simple.

GOP leaders Boehner, McConnell, Cantor, et al have been very eager to portray Obama as the one who won’t compromise. Excuse me, boys, but Obama compromised months ago when he reneged on his campaign promise to allow the Bush era tax cuts to expire for everyone except the very rich. He gave into you then so the very rich could keep creating the jobs which they have yet to create even though the Bush tax cuts have existed for the last 10 years. In other words, GOP, it’s your turn to give a little. Cough up a compromise or suffer the historical humiliation that it was your party that destroyed this great country of ours.

Some commentators have given a dismissive wave to all the gloom and doom scenarios of skyrocketing interest rates, devalued credit ratings, and massive unemployment. They argue that we survived a government shutdown before when Clinton was President, so there is nothing to worry about now. Yes, we did indeed survive that previous debt crisis, and if memory serves me correctly, I believe a particular Ms. Lewinsky of the Watergate Apartments in Washington, DC survived very well indeed. (Insert Groucho Marx wagging eyebrows here!)

These commentators are forgetting a few vital differences. The country was not coming out of a recession in 1996, like it is today. Also, unemployment was lower in 1996 and nowhere near the 9% with which we are dealing now. Considering all this, then perhaps the gloom and doom predictions might come true this time.

So, what can we expect come Tuesday morning? Social Security checks will likely be delayed, which should rile up the most powerful voting bloc in the country: the AARP! Come on, seniors, we’re depending on you! Grab your pitchforks and torches, and march on DC! Okay sorry, I forgot that you may not be able to march anymore. Let me amend that: grab your pitchforks and torches and roll your walkers on DC! There, that’s better!

Hopefully, a show of force from this constituency will convince our wonderful leaders to meet in the middle and play nice with each other. If not, then we may suffer even worse consequences when those holding the majority of our debt call for our loans. Of course, I’m referring to the Chinese who could very easily march in and foreclose on our asses!

Oh well, there is a silver lining to this worst case scenario. If the Chinese march in, then at least the buffets will stay open! It may behoove us to develop a taste for deep fried chicken feet and sweet and sour rodent quick...real quick!

*Oh come on! You knew damn well on which side this slightly left of center blog would come down!

(Thank you for reading! Have a happy depression everyone!)


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