The Walls are Laughing

Good morning, Mr. Snowden! My name is Alexi, and it is my honor to welcome you to your new home which we call “Dacha at Undisclosed Resort”. Let me show you around.

I would like to tell you exactly where you are, but we know that you can’t keep a secret. Yet we know that eventually you’ll figure it out for yourself using your intellect and your computer. We believe it’ll take you all of five minutes to figure it out.

Speaking of which, here is your government issued Chinese counterfeit Apple® laptop! Go ahead, boot it and see what you can do with it. And, oh yes, just to answer your next question, we are monitoring everything you do with your computer. Remember, it’s only for your security.

Ah, I see you’ve noticed one of the cameras in your living room. As you can see, we have a camera in every corner of all the rooms. There are cameras covering every conceivable angle in your hallway, and outside every exterior corner of the dacha. We will be monitoring and recording your every move. We really don’t know if agents from your country will try to abduct you or do worse, but we want to be ready.

Oh, let me introduce you to the two people who will keep tabs on you every communication you make with the outside world regardless if it’s by Internet or cell phone. This is Natasha and Boris; they will be stationed here in your hall closet. They will not only monitor and list who you contact, but they will also be responsible for reporting to us every word you and your contacts say. I know this is a bit more thorough then what you had done in your country, but your security and safety are our utmost concern.

Oh, by the way, you may want to watch your language. We know how fond you Americans are of the N-word, but trust me, you may not want to use it here. Natasha is very sensitive about that word…we don’t know why.

Here is the kitchen, and here is your cook, Leon. He is a gourmet specializing in French cuisine and possesses a black belt in jujitsu. As such, he will be part of your security detail, ready to take on intruders at a moment’s notice.

 

Umm, just a word of warning. Leon is very sensitive about his cooking skills. You may be tempted to critique his soufflé, but I warn you to hold back on that. I remind you he is a black belt!

Your dacha will have a full complement of maids to keep everything nice and clean. Yes, of course they will be doubling as part of your security detail. All of your needs will be seen to and furnished with minimum distraction to the security work which we hope you’ll be more than happy to do for us, your gracious hosts.

Do you have any questions? Oh, will you be able to move about freely at will? Ahh, well, surely you’ll be able to move freely, as long as by freely you mean with a score of cameras recording your every more, countless listening devices recording all of your conversations, and all of your Internet activity scrutinized beyond belief.

What’s that, Mr. Snowden? You thought you heard the walls laughing? Oh, that must have been Natasha and Boris you heard laughing in your closet at your joke about moving about freely!

That was a joke, right, Mr. Snowden?

(Thank you for reading. Special shout-outs to Natasha and Boris, in case you’re also reading this!)