Squashing Rumors: Winter 2016 Edition
Every once
in awhile, we feel a compelling need to squash rumors that we created five
minutes before. The following are (as
our libel avoidance lawyers remind us) NOT TRUE.*
(LAWYER’S
DISCLAIMER: As counsel to the blog arteejee, we will state that we advised our
client against this post, and otherwise deny all knowledge of its creation and
execution. Particularly #3. Don’t blame us. Sincerely, Tiger, Mako and
Hammerhead, Esq.)
1. Bristol
Palin will be named the new spokeswoman for Trojan condoms.
2. Punxsutawney
Phil will emerge from his hole, see Donald Trump, and instantly want to have
carnal knowledge with his hair piece because it has been a long winter and Phil
hasn’t had “it” in a while.
3. Sarah Palin
and Tina Fey will run off to Provincetown together.
4. Abe Vigoda
is dead. (Okay, so some rumors finally
do come true.)
5. Ted Cruz
will win the Iowa caucus.
6. OH
SHIT! #5 IS TRUE!
7. Chris
Christie will be humbled by his defeat in Iowa and go back to being governor of
New Jersey.
8. I can’t
believe I used the concept of humble in the same sentence with the words Chris
Christie.
9. Donald Trump
will be humbled by his second place loser finish in Iowa and…oh, who the hell
am I kidding?
*But we had
fun making them up anyway!
(Thank you for
reading. BTW, better late than never:
R.I.P., Abe Vigoda.)
posted by todd gunther | 6:55 PM
6 Comments:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVtcp8XHhOo
~ Freckles
Bristol! Bwahahahahaha!
My lawyers, of the firm Screwem, Takemore, and Runn, have advised me not to say this, but Marco Rubio (whose appeal I cannot understand) is a closeted gay, who life has been supported by his "single gay rich billionaire benefactor", and his marriage is a sham. I love gay people (and even several straight ones!), but I hate closet queens. So if Cruz is ineligible to run due to citizenship issues (according to my reputable lawyers), and Rubio's life is a lie, that leaves two blowhards (not that I know from sexual experiences with them): Trump and Christie. Sarah Palin would make a fine running mate for either of them, but rumor has she is munching Tina Fey's bush in Provincetown (from what my friends tell me)...
Thank you Freckles, for the link. I never heard that song before, but to be fair I was writing my master's thesis the year it was released and I dare say I came up for air less times that Punxsutawney Phil did that year. Warrior Queen enjoyed hearing that song again.
Thanks, Bob! I'm happy that Bristol put a smile on your face.
Thank you, Janey for that insightful analysis and tee-hee-hee, you said "bush".
quite silly.
Thank you, Spo, for endorsement.
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