A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Bush Winter

We are finally seeing cold weather this winter in southeastern Pennsylvania. It has been very mild until this week, with temperatures hovering in the 50s most days and one day it went above 70. We should be averaging temperatures in the 30s in January. Perhaps it’s time we designate this temperature phenomenon, this sub-season within the winter season, with an official name.

Autumn has Indian summer, or any days that have above average daily temperatures during the month of October. Summer has its dog days, or any days with extremely high daily temperatures during the month of August. With this in mind, I believe we should declare any days from January through March with above average temperatures as belonging to the sub-season of Bush Winter.

We’ve all seen the symptoms and consequences of a Bush Winter. There are people wearing shorts and short sleeves outdoors when they should be wearing overcoats and scarves; ski slope lifts sitting idle and ski resort workers collecting unemployment; snow blowers and shovels rusting away in hardware stores; cough remedies gathering dust on pharmacy shelves; oil prices falling with demand for oil heat, and bikini-clad polar bears sunning themselves on slowly shrinking ice floes. Yes, these are all sights of a typical Bush Winter.

One recent weather report gave several reasons for the warm temperatures during the last few weeks. The Pacific Ocean phenomenon El Nino is one part of the global weather equation, but the report also stated that 99.9% of the world’s scientists would agree that it is also part of the larger trend of (drum roll please) global warming! There, I said it! I think it’s only fitting that this warm winter weather be named after the Denier-in-Chief, President George W. Bush!

Now I realize that the Bush administration will continue to deny global warming. I can just imagine Herr Rove spinning to the media that just because 99.9% of the world’s scientists state that global warming exists doesn’t mean it’s true. After all, 99.9% is not 100%. Oh sure, you claim that a mandate for your policies exists just because you received 51% of the vote in the last election, but 99.9% isn’t good enough for you to change your thinking? Damn that .1%! Who is this guy, and why isn’t he on board with all the other scientists? Where in Antarctica is he stationed?

I don’t care what Bush says; this tropical sub-season exists! In fact, I’ll venture to predict that global warming will throw our climate so out of whack that the wintry cold weather could last until May. That’ll be fun, holding Memorial Day barbecues with six inches of snow on the Florida!


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