A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Hello AIG!

Dear AIG Executives:

Hello! Just a short note outlining our expectations for your performance in the coming year. Who are we? We are your new bosses! We are known by many names, but you can call us collectively the US taxpayers.

Yes, we are the group that has chosen, reluctantly, to save your sorry corporate asses. To be honest, many of us were under the impression that the billions of bail out money given to your company would be used to keep your company viable during this recession. That reminds me, you did get the memo that there is a recession going on, didn’t you? I would hate to think that we are not all on the same page.

Anyway, we were extremely surprised to hear about the bonuses you were getting, and imagine our shock when we found out that there was nothing we could do about it. You must realize that we perceive things like bonuses, salaries, and fringe benefits as things that are earned through hard work. It has something to do with a work ethic. Some of you may have heard about this concept, but we thought we should briefly mention it as it has nearly disappeared from the financial canyons of Wall Street.

Our concern about all these bonuses is that we heard some of you pursued irresponsible fiscal policies that nearly sank your company and, in some small way, created the greater economic cataclysm now devouring our country. Of course, we don’t believe this for one second. We are sure that these silly rumors are the creation of those liberal media bloggers. God, aren’t they a nuisance?

Many people - who are probably unemployed and homeless – believe that you should not receive these bonuses, because it would reward your naughty behavior. However, the current management at AIG has assured us that keeping you on board is absolutely essential in order to undo whatever it was you did in the last few years to bring on the economic cataclysm blah blah blah. Some of us - the ones who still have jobs and houses – can see the logic in this. Mind you, we would have to be standing on our heads with one eye closed, both hands tied behind our backs, and twirling one of our legs in the air to see this logic, but gosh darn it, we are just not in the mood to go to those lengths today. Our suspension of disbelief can only go so far.

This is your assignment for this year. You executives who have received these hefty taxpayer subsidized bonuses will single-handedly solve all of our economic woes. This means reducing the unemployment rate and put people back to work. This means stimulating the economy with all that money you just received, or, in other words, spend, spend, spend. This means getting people back into their homes and making all mortgages affordable again. We realize this is a lot to do, but we feel it is fair, since it was your action that helped create this economic mess in the first place.

Don’t let the government take the lead on this. President Obama can only do so much. After all, we are not paying him as much as we are paying you. Poor fellow is making minimum wage compared to the compensation we have given you.

We hope you will give this message a lot of good thought. We do expect good positive results from all this. Please keep in mind that if these goals are not met, then we will HUNT YOU DOWN EN MASSE COMPLETE WITH TORCHES AND PITCH FORKS. Don’t screw us again, AIG. As you may already know, we can be nasty bitches!

Have a nice day!

The American Taxpayers


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