A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Proposition 6 + 8

Everyone in the world, with a few exceptions, has been weighing in with their two cents about the on-going struggle of a California woman to single-handedly repopulate the world. Yes, I’m talking about Nadya Suleman, who recently gave birth to octuplets via in-vitro fertilization. At first, the story was one of those feel-good-about-life human interest bits which normally would make the whole of mankind marvel at the miracle of birth. Then things got weird...

The media probed deeper and found that the woman is unemployed and has no visible means of financial support — not including the taxpayers of California, but more about them later. Further along, we found out that she already has six children at home — three of those with special needs — and that she considers herself a professional student. She does get assistance from the state (food stamps and some money for the special kids), but she denies that this money is welfare.

Father? Non-existent, apparently, and I haven’t heard any reports of any man stepping forward to accept responsibility. The woman lives with her parents, although Grandma has not taken kindly to the new arrivals. I’ve heard that Grandpa, a military man, will be deployed for the relative calm and peacefulness of a faraway land...Iraq!

This week, new mom hired a publicist to handle media requests and started a website to accept donations. Wonderful! She’s getting so many offers that she can’t handle it herself and she’s trolling for dollars with an Internet tin cup. One of the first offers was an interview on the Oprah Winfrey show. I probably wouldn’t watch it, although I would just love to hear Oprah ask her, “Girlfriend, what the hell were you thinking?”

Usually in situations like this, donations will pour in from all quarters. A company will send diapers, another will send formula, and sometimes a new house will be offered. Not this time. The recession is really that bad!

So, who is on her side? Not many of us, apparently. The religious right could praise her for not aborting the extra fetuses, but on the other hand they could use her as an argument against federal funding for higher education. Thanks, lady! You may have just screwed the economic opportunities for thousands of college bound students.

The Vatican? No, I haven’t heard any statements from them, but they have been a bit busy lately. The Pope is probably keeping a low profile since he started letting Nazis back into the church, and his intervention on behalf of Italy’s version of Terri Schiavo ended badly.

California taxpayers? Congratulations, all of you, on the arrival of eight new dependents for your cash-strapped state to support. I know you’re not happy about this, but you now have a chance to turn this into a positive show of democracy. Yes, get those petitions out and start getting signatures for Proposition 6 + 8. (That number is my own original idea. I hope you like it.) I don’t know how you would word it — require Mom to get a job, farm her brood out to the foster care system, or perhaps an outright exile to any other state that will put up with her/them.

The more cynical of us may believe that having all these kids is her way to manipulate the system. I haven’t heard any reports of her telling someone, “I smell money,” (ala Paula Jones), but it is a very real possibility that this all a big con. So be it! Others have done worse (paging Bernard L. Madoff), and hopefully most of us are smart enough not to fall for it.

So, good luck, Momma Suleman. You might be smart to leave California, where you’ve been receiving death threats, and head for an offer to relocate on a farm in Kansas. Yes, the Midwest, where they seem to be comfortable with large families. Do this and the taxpayers of California will be very thankful.


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