A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, October 15, 2009


Today I am 50 years old!

Yes, this is a landmark birthday. I enter the second half of my century, and with it comes new realizations about my life.

First realization: I am now officially out of the primary target age group of 18-49 on which so many advertisers focus to buy their products. Their products and their ads telling me I need those products should no longer be relevant to me. So with that, I say, “Adios, Madison Avenue!”

Second: I am now eligible for membership in the American Association of Retired Persons. This means that I can part with $12 per year of my hard earned money to become part of the biggest lobbying interest group in the country today. This is not necessarily a bad thing, since somebody has to be looking out for the welfare of the elderly, although I don’t feel “old”. Many times I feel tired and in pain, but this is not the same as feeling old. In fact, I know several “elderly” people nearly twice my age who get around better than I do now. I’m sure their secret to this is nothing more than a positive attitude on life. So this is something I will need to work on.

A-A-R-P does have its advantages. The restaurant discounts are great. I will probably join soon, but I may refuse to accept the subscription to their magazine. I have nothing against the publication, except that we already get a copy every month because Anne Marie is already a member. I look at this as saving a tree or two. Of course, if A-A-R-P sends a few Gray Panthers around to my house and give me an offer I can’t refuse, then perhaps I will take the magazine.

By the way, we should all get into the habit of spelling out A-A-R-P with the dashes so that people say the acronym one letter at a time like they do now, and don’t try to say it as one word. A-A-R-P is an association dedicated to furthering the well-being and interests of people over the age of fifty. Saying the word “aarp” reminds me of the noise one of my cats makes when they present me with a hairball. Of course, if the Gray Panthers disagree with me about this point, then I’m sure I can be persuaded to drop the dashes.

A third realization: I need to prepare short, scripted reflections that I can say to younger people whenever they complain about how hard their lives are. These little sayings usually begin with the phrase, “When I was your age...” Here’s what I have so far:

When I was your age...MTV only played music videos!

Or...we didn’t have cell phones, or i-phones, or apps, or blackberries, or i-pods to distract us while we were driving. Instead, the only distraction we had was a McDonalds Egg McMuffin (encircled “R” trademark insignia here) and a cup of coffee. And the coffee cup didn’t have the court mandated warning: “Caution: contents may be hot” printed on the side of the cup! We considered that living dangerously!

Or...major league baseball respected the American work ethic and scheduled playoff games so that hard-working Americans could attend the games without fear of risking their livelihoods. During the week, the games were played at night and on the weekends they were played during the day. There was none of this 2:37p on a weekday afternoon crap!

In any case this day won’t be so bad. I will strive to think young, happy thoughts. I will be grateful for all that is in my life: a wife who loves me (although she won’t admit it), two cats who worship the ground I walk on (particularly at 4:30a when they are hungry), and the support and love of many family and friends.

(Thank you for reading. Please remember to...oh, hell, I’ve got nothing today! What do you expect? It is my birthday, after all!)


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