A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Sunday, November 01, 2009

The VA Governor's Race

Please allow me, dear readers, to engage in some good old-fashioned, right-wing fear mongering. This will allow me to comment on a topic, take the most extreme point of view imaginable, and bear down on one aspect of this topic with the most outlandish claims possible, disregard facts without consideration of other points of view, and denounce it as the end of the world as we know it. In other words, I will pretend that I am a conservative talk radio host.

Attention all female registered voters living in the state of Virginia! We urge you to vote your conscience in the upcoming gubernatorial election in your state. Please bear in mind that, if you vote for the Democratic candidate, you will be allowed to proceed with your life as normal. In other words, you will still be able to work a career, be a productive member of society, and reap all psychological and material rewards befitting your hard work. If you vote for the Republican candidate, you may be asked to give up your career, forfeit all benefits and rewards of said career, and, oh yes, you will also have to give up your shoes. After all, you won’t need shoes if state law requires you to fulfill the old-fashioned role model of women, i.e., barefoot and pregnant.

Wow! What a rush! Now I can appreciate why Limbaugh, Beck, and Palin get off on this kind of stuff!

The reason for my advisory is due to some new information that has come to light regarding the Republican candidate, Bob McDonnell. He had been enjoying a double digit lead in the polls, and history favored his winning the governorship in a few months. Then someone dug up his master’s thesis about the negative effect government programs had on the traditional family. In his thesis written at Pat Robertson’s Regent University — and analyzed in Dick Polman’s American Debate blog - he argued that government should not fund programs which undermine the ”traditional family”. The thesis spoke out against tax credits for child day care, which make it easier for working women to “seek workplace equality and individual self-actualization”. He asked whether government should “subsidize the choices of a generation with an increased appetite for the materialistic components of the American dream”.

McDonnell also labeled feminists as the “real enemies of the traditional family”. Never mind that many women are forced to get a job outside the home to cover the basic necessities like food, clothing, and a roof over their heads. Oh, right, these are material components of the American dream. Never mind all of the contributions the “feminists” have made to American society that improve not only their lives, but the lives of their families as well.

I will attempt to pass along a personal message to the Republican candidate in a language he can understand: “Ooh, ooh! Huh! Angh, ooh! Fire! Ooh, oh, argh! Ooh. Ooh!”

Mind you my Cro-Magnon language skills aren’t what they used to be, but I think he may have got the gist of my message. I tried to make him understand that his views are old-fashioned, as in 1950s June-Cleaver-meets-her-man-at-the-door-wrapped-only-in-cellophane-old-fashioned. I attempted to invite him to join the 21st Century in his attitudes towards women. Either that, or I just passed a hairball through my rectum...

(That last line was for my cats, Steven and Meredith! My human readers may not appreciate the humor in that line, but once my cats read it they’ll be purring their tails off!)

McDonnell has down played the controversy by saying that his attitudes from a thesis written 20 years ago do not guide his agenda today. Unfortunately for him, a journalist on the Fox News Network (of all places) pointed out that his views have not changed very much. According to a televised interview on September 27, McDonnell has voted against extending child care services, voted against ending gender based wage discrimination, and voted against requiring health insurance plans to cover birth control. Oh, yeah, this guy is a real modern thinking man, all right!

So, female voters of Virginia, it appears you have a lot to think about between now and election day. Vote early, vote often, and good luck!

(Thank you for reading! Please remember, “Ooh, ooh! Argh! Angh, ooh!)


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