A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Friday, February 18, 2011

Fear and Loathing...Live From CPAC 2011!

Remember the attempted assassination of Arizona House member Gabrielle Giffords? And remember how there was a lot of backlash against the heated political rhetoric directed at Giffords during the 2010 elections, particularly since the rhetoric may have inspired the gunman to shoot the congresswoman? And remember how legislators on both sides of the aisle pledged a greater degree of civility in legislative business in the future?

Well, forget all that! The party’s over! This year’s CPAC meeting in Washington demonstrated that nastiness is back in business.

CPAC – the acronym for Conservative Political Action Conference — has become the annual place to be seen for those who actually, in reality, and publicly admit to being extremist, rabid conservatives. And by rabid I don’t mean having very strong allegiance to conservative issues. By rabid I mean profoundly mad, frothing-at-the-mouth political insanity. In other words, I mean it in a very, very bad way...not just for conservatives or Republicans, but the republic in general.

The more newsworthy events of the weekend conference included nearly attended appearances by Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum, and an overflow attended sales pitch from multi-billionaire real estate developer and media peacock Donald Trump. The Donald’s spiel was sponsored by GOProud, a gay, conservative group. Yes, it’s true! They let gays come to a meeting of conservatives! OMG! What is the world coming to?

Since the conference ended, the CPAC leadership has clarified GOProud’s future role in the organization. They are welcome to participate as long as they abandon those obviously horrid, liberal ideas like gay marriage and repeal of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the American military. Translation: come into the big tent, please take a seat (preferably in the back), and most importantly, keep your mouth shut. I cannot blame the group if they realize “What’s the point? We might as well smoke pot and not inhale...or so our friends tell us!”

A few other highlights of the weekend include: President Obama was demonized as a “socialist” (Michele Bachmann), “weak” (Mitt Romney), and “doesn’t believe in truth” (Rick Santorum). Ann Coulter got wild applause when she suggested that “more journalists should be jailed”. Former Vice President Dick Cheney ended up growling at a group of hecklers who called him a “war criminal” and “draft dodger”.

Now, on behalf of all the liberals wronged over the course of the CPAC meeting, I feel obliged to respond. Rick Santorum has trouble with the truth too. Earlier in the week he was quoted in Politico as stating on a radio show that a certain conservative superstar would not attend CPAC, because she was busy with other events which were more financially rewarding. (This month arteejee is not identifying this superstar by name, but we will hint that her name can be translated from the Catawissan for, “She who hunts moose from a whirly-gig flying machine”. You know, what’s her name?) Santorum later denied the quote as “garbage” and that all he said was she was “busy...period.”

Unfortunately, the radio interview itself was widely disseminated throughout the Internet and supported Politico’s quotes as factual and correct. So, Rick Santorum...liar, liar, pants on fire!

Ann Coulter has been identified as a lawyer, commentator and columnist, which is very close to regarding her as a reporter. To this end, Ann, please turn yourself in to the nearest police station or FBI office as soon as possible, and confess to whatever charge they have lying around. You’ll be one “journalist” that won’t be missed...well, you won’t be missed by liberals.

As for Dick Cheney: “Sit, Dick, sit! Good former vice president, that’s a good boy!” And as for all of the other name callers on the CPAC dais: “Sticks and stones may break our liberal bones, but sometimes you nasty conservatives can sure be ugly!”

(Thank you for reading. Please remember, whether we consider ourselves to be right or left, we all have to learn to live together somewhere in the middle at the end of the day.)


Anonymous Janey said...

Gays backing The Donald at a conservative rally? What IS the nation coming to?!? But trust me, we gays will never forget Santorum's "man on dog" comment made when opposing gay marriage. It's all enough to make one want to smoke pot -- and inhale! Perhaps doing so will make one dream happy images of an unnamed half-term governor being trampled by moose in a state far, far away... :-)

February 18, 2011 at 8:04 AM  

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