A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, August 05, 2011

Dear Wall Street

Dear Wall Street:

Hope this little missive finds you well, although I hear you’ve not been well at all. You taunted and teased us during the course of the default battle recently waged in the halls of Congress. You predicted dire consequences if the United States did not raise its debt limit. Interest rates would rise, thousands (more) would be thrown out of work, retirement investments would shrink, and you claimed that Michele Bachmann would say something stupid. None of which came true, except for your Michele Bachmann prediction, and I’m still wondering what five year old you consulted for that bit of news!

So, in light of all these warnings, the impossible happened: Democrats and Republicans came together (in other times, a sure sign of impending apocalypse) and worked out a compromise deal. Of course, the deal was warmly received for about five seconds, before everyone involved realized what they had done. Sure, Obama got his debt ceiling raised, but without the aid of tax revenue for which he was hoping. Republicans got their spending cuts, but without the balanced budget amendment the Tea Partiers wanted. In short, everyone agreed to a deal that, in the end, left everyone not entirely satisfied.

Their satisfaction was of little consequence as long as you were happy, Wall Street. It didn’t matter one iota if the politicos in Washington were uncomfortable, just as long as you weren’t sitting in the corner and pouting that you weren’t getting your way. So everyone gave in a bit of their principles just to see the look of joy on your face the morning after the dust settled.

So how did you repay us? You tanked! You plunged over 500 points in one session, the worst since the recession began in 2008, and started talk that the recession was on again.

Wall Street, we need to talk.

What the eff is your deal? Historically, you react all jittery every time someone beyond your borders says anything nice about the economy. The government says the dollar is strong, and you start crying. The head of the Federal Reserve develops a case of the sniffles and you go running for an open window on a skyscraper floor very high above terra firma. Someone else sees a trend that first time unemployment filers is down, and you see the end of the world. Please note this equation: working people = good things. Obviously, you have a hard time believing this.

In more recent years we, the American taxpayers, have bent over backwards to help you through your tough times. Unfortunately, you viewed this gift giving as a one-way street. There were strings attached after all.

We gave you billions with the understanding that you would use that money to help homeowners from foreclosure, and to create jobs. So what did you do? You partied and blew the wad on executive bonuses without requiring them to show what they had done to earn it in the first place. Oh, you said they’re good talent and we need to reward them to keep them here.

Hey, Wall Street, I have news for you! There are millions of other Americans whose talent has been going unused for many months, and for some more a few years. When will they get a chance to display their skills again? Hmmm?

Clearly many of you on Wall Street are not cut out for the high stress environment of high finance. Perhaps you should seek out occupations which are less taxing on your nerves. Something like, oh, I don’t know, delivering mass quantities of dynamite in a huge semi tractor trailer that has failed its brake inspections for the last three years. Or how about suicide bomber? There are always openings in this field. Oh, I know, it’s a very short term job, and you can forget about retirement benefits, but it’s obviously more in line with your natural fatalistic tendencies.

(Wow! Job recommendations for those with nerves of celery and career advice for suicide bombers! Can’t you just feel the love, readers? Read on...this gets better!)

Then there are others who are not fulfilling their capitalistic duties. I’m talking about the entrepreneurs who once again — with the help of their Republican chums in Congress — will not see their tax liability go up. You are the ones who it is said are the “job creators”. Okay, so start creating!

As for the rest of you who are not in the position to help homeowners or the unemployed, I have one final suggestion: kneepads! You’re going to need a strong set of kneepads, because there are lots of Americans who are very unhappy with their financial situation and are seeking satisfaction.

Yes, I am suggesting that you get on your knees and suck us! Suck our (insert genitalia here)! So get on your knees, close your eyes, take a deep breath and, I don’t know, “think of England”.

Warmest Regards,

Millions of Pissed-Off Americans

(Thank you for reading. Everyone, send your kneepads to Wall Street!!!!)


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