A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Friday, April 13, 2012

Dear Long Shots

Dear Newt:

I am sure you are aware by now that one of your opponents for the Republican nomination, Rick Santorum, has dropped his bid for the White House. He certainly had a good personal reason for his decision, and I am sure that you hope his child recovers soon from her illness. Yet, there is a silver lining to his dropping out.

You know the old expression when a door closes, a window opens. Yes, Newt Gingrich, this could be the window of opportunity you were waiting for! This could be your chance to overtake Mitt Romney in the remaining primaries and clear your path to becoming - ah, dare I say it (I dare!) — the Republican nominee for President of the United States in 2012!

Just think about that great moment actually happening to you! You would be standing at the podium with your Tiffany’s jewelry encrusted mate Calista at your side, as the balloons tumble from the ceiling, the states signs bobbing up and down in an endless sea of delegates, and all the while the Republican faithful are chanting, “Newt, Newt, Newt!” Yes, this could be the finest moment of your career!

Then it would be on to the general election campaign...oh, think of the fun you’ll have! You can go head-to-head, toe-to-toe against Barack Obama. Imagine the opportunity to air your loopy ideas, I mean your grand vision for America! Ideas that will propel this great country of ours out of the pit of left-wing engineered Socialism and into the stratosphere of free form capitalism and unbridled social Darwinism!

Wheeeee! Wow, from up here we can see Barack Obama’s real birthplace! That’s right, you can see Hawaii from here! From up here we can loosen our trousers and take a whiz on the poor and downtrodden! Golden showers on the 99%! Wheeeee!

Whoa, maybe we should sit for a moment and catch our breath! After all, this is all very heady stuff and we must not let our ambitions swell our heads too much. Still, it’s fun to dream!

Then, once in office - yes, I’m talking about the Oval Office, Newt — you can realize all of your most wonderful ideas! Repeal child labor laws, and put 12 year olds to work! Who needs children with good educations anyway? If we need intelligent people to run the country, then we can just hire out to India or China to run the country for us! What the hell; we’re not that far from that idea becoming reality now!

Go ahead, Newt, put America on Mars. Do it without raising taxes! Do it without the extra revenue that a multi-trillion dollar program like that will cost! Go ahead; drown the country in red ink while you literally reach for the stars...

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Dear readers, please understand that I have not suddenly abandoned my deeply cherished slightly left-of-center political principles and gone all Republican. I am not seriously considering the idea that Newt Gingrich, of all people, is suitable for the presidency.

You may ask then, “Arteejee, what’s up? If you are not sincerely pushing for a Gingrich candidacy, then why are you filling his head with all of these ideas that he actually has a shot at defeating Mitt Romney for the nomination? You could not have an ulterior and devious motive for your sudden endorsement of Newt Gingrich, or could you?"

Dear readers, I am shocked, positively shocked, that you would question that I have a devious, underhanded, low down, no good, ulterior motive. The answer is, “Yes, of course I have a devious, underhanded, lowdown, no good, ulterior motive!”

If Romney is allowed to proceed unimpeded without the friendly fire from a bruising primary battle before the GOP convention, then he will have more money and resources to use against Barack Obama. I would much prefer the pre-convention drama of a knockdown, drag out fight amongst the Republican rivals, than a concentrated campaign against the President this early in the election cycle. Besides, it’s too early for Romney to shake his Etch-A-Sketch.*

Although, now that I think about it, I should probably hedge my bets and address the other long shot for the Republican nomination, just in case Newt wimps out.)

Dear Senator Paul:

I am sure you are aware by now that one of your opponents for the Republican nomination, Rick Santorum, has dropped his bid for the White House...

*Copyright/trademarked by Ohio Art, blah, blah, etc, keyboard still doesn’t have the capability to print the trademark icon thingy!

(Thank you for reading!)


Anonymous Janey said...

I AM shocked! :-)

April 13, 2012 at 7:27 PM  

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