Fun With Stereotypes, or bin Laden Knows Best

Now time for another exercise in historical theory, as we learned this week that Osama bin Laden spent his final days in domestic turmoil. Indeed, some news reports have detailed that his wives were angry with him — all three of them. Bearing this in mind, we have to wonder if ole Osama didn’t fight as hard as his bluster all these years and give up the ghost at the crucial moment when US Navy Seals invaded his compound. We can only speculate with the following, which we will entitle (the first, last, and only episode of the late reality series) bin Laden Knows Best.

(Aging terrorist Osama bin Laden is alone in his room, reading out loud from a paper in his hand.)

Osama: ...and my youngest wife, Yasmine, always hangs her burqa over the shower rod! What's that all about?

First Wife (running in) – Osama! You must talk to...

Osama: Silence! Can’t you see I’m polishing my monologue for the Khaddafi Lounge at the Holiday Inn in Islamabad later this month?

First Wife: But, Osama, your second spouse is driving the rest of us crazy!

Osama: Please, I need to rehearse! Now, where was I? Oh yes! Take my wives, please!

First Wife: I swear I cannot stand it here any longer! I am cooped up with those other two harridans all day, every day! Look, tomorrow is supposed to be a nice day. Can’t we at least walk around the compound for a while? We can stay within the walls...

Osama: Please, woman! I need to do well with this gig. Maybe you haven’t noticed, but our funding has dried up! Al Qaeda has stopped sending payments, and the last few checks from the Taliban have bounced...

(Two more women enter, yelling at each other.)

Osama: Oh! Now what!

Second Wife: Osama! Please talk to Yasmine! She is being so stubborn!

Third Wife: I am not stubborn! What is wrong with wanting to have a change of scenery?

First Wife: See, even she wants to get outside of these walls! We are tired of it, I tell you!

Third Wife: Yes, it’s true! I long to shop at the market!

First Wife: Just a walk around the perimeter of the compound, please?

Second Wife: I want to go to Miami!

(Silence as Osama stares hard at his Second Wife.)

Osama: Miami? That is a bit radical, Second Wife! By the way, what is your name?

Second Wife: Barbara!

Osama: Barbara? I’m beginning to have my doubts about you! Are you a true believer of Islam? Do you bow in the direction of Mecca every day?

Second Wife (stammering): Yes, of course I do!

Third Wife: Liar!

First Wife: It is true! I heard her use a foreign word, ko- kosher, that was it! I heard her say that when we were cooking in the kitchen the other day!

Second Wife: No, it’s not true! They’re both lying!

First Wife: I swear I am telling the truth by...

Osama: Stop it! All of you! Your constant nagging and whining is driving me insane. We can’t be seen outside at all! I have explained this to you! The Great Satan has eyes in the sky which will seek us out and destroy us all!

Third Wife: I want to go to the bazaar!

First Wife: I want to stroll in the sun!

Second Wife (whining): I want to go to the Fontainebleau!

(Again silence; another hard stare from Osama.)

Osama: Okay, Barbara! Now I’m convinced...you are Jewish, and a stereotypical one at that!

Second Wife: No, I swear!

Osama: Quiet! May I remind you, all of you, that your papers are not in order! All three of you are in this country illegally! Did you forget about that? The Great Satan would love to catch you. The INS would love that!

First Wife: The INS is an American agency! They have no jurisdiction here!

Osama: I don’t care! I swear, you’re forcing me to call the authorities and hand all three of you over to them. The reason I can’t is because I would have to tell them who I am. “Who am I? Oh, this is Osama bin Laden, the international terrorist wanted by everyone in the free world for crimes against humanity.” It would be very awkward! Me, a wanted man, seeing my beloveds hauled away for immigration violations.

First Wife: No, it certainly wouldn’t do to be in jail for the holidays...oops!

(Long silence.)

Osama: What holidays?

First Wife: Oh...nothing.

Osama: What holidays were you talking about? There are no Muslim holidays coming up for months!

Second Wife: No, but there are Christian holidays coming up soon! Like Easter!

First Wife: All right, fine! I’ll confess! My name isn’t Fatima, it’s Mary Katherine, and I would kill for a ham dinner right about now!

Osama (shouting indignantly): NON-BELIEVER! How could this happen! Two non-believers, a Papist and a Jew living in my house! Yasmine, please tell me you are faithful to the teachings of Islam!

Third Wife: Actually, I’m agnostic!

Osama: UGH! That's it! That's the straw that broke the camel's back! You make me long for Paradise and my heavenly reward in the arms of 72 virgins! Go ahead, keep arguing! I swear, if the Great Satan came in now, I would just throw my hands up and say, “Shoot me now!”

(A loud crash from outside; the wives scream; American commandos enter with guns drawn.)

Navy Seal: Freeze, bin Laden!

Osama: Wow! Talk about irony!

(Thank you for reading. DISCLAIMER: No deities or holy scripture were harmed, destroyed, or blasphemed in the writing of this drama!)