A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Cats as Humans

We’re concluding our first week with Nyla in the house, and I would love to say that everything is peaches and cream between our two adult cats.   

Unfortunately, there are several problems with characterizing their relationship as such. Being mainly carnivores, neither one of them should by all rights like peaches or any other fruit for that matter. Not to mention that cream is fattening, so who needs that?

Another reason the Georgia fruit and Wisconsin exports comparison won’t work is because it’s not true. Nyla and Meredith’s relationship at this point after nearly a week co-existing under the same roof is closer to the cozy relationship enjoyed by the Arabs and Jews than to anything approaching affection. And we all know how well the Arabs and Jews have been getting along for the last thousand years or so. You know what I mean? I think you do!

There were a few days this week that we had hope, but I should have known better because it was happening too fast. Anne Marie came home from work one day and found our cats sniffing each other nose to nose. The mood has changed in the last few days. When they find each other in the same room, Nyla will approach; Meredith will hiss and run to a hiding place. Nyla will give chase and Meredith will respond with more hissing, deep Thurl Ravenscroft-like growling, and loud caterwauling. At this point, Nyla will get a bushy tail and retreat when a member of the staff (i.e., me or Anne Marie or both) intervenes.

I don’t get it, but I probably should. One minute, they are sniffing each other’s butts and the next minute they are yelling at each other like a middle-aged married couple. Don’t you just hate when your pets act so…so human?

Anne Marie and I have been taking turns talking softly to Meredith after each episode. My wife is getting discouraged, but I keep telling her we need to give them more time. After all, Meredith hissed at Steven a few times when we first brought him home. I keep thinking back to Meredith’s past history with other cats and looking for similarities and differences between then and now. Then, Meredith was younger, and dealing with what we believed to be a younger male. Now, Meredith has been introduced to a female roommate. Also, even though Meredith can display a kitten-like enthusiasm and vigor in day-to-day living, there can be no denying the fact that she can also act like…oh, how do the French put it…oh, yes…like a cranky old bitch.

Sorry, Meredith, but today daddy is calling it like he sees it. I know this sounds harsh, but after all we’re dealing with lower animal forms who insist on acting with human-like aggression. 

At this precise moment, all is peaceful. Nyla is stretched out on a shelf at the front of our living room, and Meredith is contentedly munching on crunchies mere yards away at the other end of the living room. I can only assume that this is how they’ve spent most of the hours this past week: ignoring each other’s existence and general avoidance of the other if one or the other sees the other out of the corner of their eye.

(Did that make sense? Were there too many “others” in that last sentence? Sorry! Don’t think too much about it. Let’s press on!)

This morning, I did resort to an old trick my father would use when my brother and I got to be too much of a hassle for him. He would just shake his head and mutter something about next time he would have girls! I’ve concluded that having two girls is no picnic either, so today I said out loud what I thought my Dad might say if he was here now, “Next time, I’m getting a dog!”

Yes, I went there! I dared to utter the “d” word out loud in a house devoted to cats! Anne Marie was shocked! As for the intended audience of my expletive? They yawned, munched, and went back to their everyday business of being cats, which is fine with me.

I’ll be happy if they stop acting so human. Leave the human qualities of vindictiveness and hatred to the professionals. We expect our wonderful, joyous furballs to act better than that.

(Thank you for reading! In conclusion, hiss, spit and arrrrrrgggghhh!)


Anonymous Janey said...

Want to distract Meredith and Nyla from the presence of each other? Get a big, bad-ass male cat, one that still has his balls. Mood changes and attitude adjustments will occur...

May 6, 2012 at 8:11 AM  

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