A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Squashing Rumors: Winter 2016 Edition

Every once in awhile, we feel a compelling need to squash rumors that we created five minutes before. The following are (as our libel avoidance lawyers remind us) NOT TRUE.*

(LAWYER’S DISCLAIMER: As counsel to the blog arteejee, we will state that we advised our client against this post, and otherwise deny all knowledge of its creation and execution. Particularly #3. Don’t blame us. Sincerely, Tiger, Mako and Hammerhead, Esq.)

1.  Bristol Palin will be named the new spokeswoman for Trojan condoms.

2.  Punxsutawney Phil will emerge from his hole, see Donald Trump, and instantly want to have carnal knowledge with his hair piece because it has been a long winter and Phil hasn’t had “it” in a while.

3.  Sarah Palin and Tina Fey will run off to Provincetown together.

4.  Abe Vigoda is dead. (Okay, so some rumors finally do come true.)

5.  Ted Cruz will win the Iowa caucus.

6.  OH SHIT!  #5 IS TRUE!

7.  Chris Christie will be humbled by his defeat in Iowa and go back to being governor of New Jersey.

8.  I can’t believe I used the concept of humble in the same sentence with the words Chris Christie.

9.  Donald Trump will be humbled by his second place loser finish in Iowa and…oh, who the hell am I kidding?

*But we had fun making them up anyway!

(Thank you for reading. BTW, better late than never: R.I.P., Abe Vigoda.)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

~ Freckles

February 3, 2016 at 8:02 PM  
Blogger Bob said...

Bristol! Bwahahahahaha!

February 4, 2016 at 9:13 AM  
Anonymous Janey said...

My lawyers, of the firm Screwem, Takemore, and Runn, have advised me not to say this, but Marco Rubio (whose appeal I cannot understand) is a closeted gay, who life has been supported by his "single gay rich billionaire benefactor", and his marriage is a sham. I love gay people (and even several straight ones!), but I hate closet queens. So if Cruz is ineligible to run due to citizenship issues (according to my reputable lawyers), and Rubio's life is a lie, that leaves two blowhards (not that I know from sexual experiences with them): Trump and Christie. Sarah Palin would make a fine running mate for either of them, but rumor has she is munching Tina Fey's bush in Provincetown (from what my friends tell me)...

February 4, 2016 at 10:12 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you Freckles, for the link. I never heard that song before, but to be fair I was writing my master's thesis the year it was released and I dare say I came up for air less times that Punxsutawney Phil did that year. Warrior Queen enjoyed hearing that song again.

Thanks, Bob! I'm happy that Bristol put a smile on your face.

Thank you, Janey for that insightful analysis and tee-hee-hee, you said "bush".

February 5, 2016 at 6:47 AM  
Blogger Ur-spo said...

quite silly.

February 7, 2016 at 10:05 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you, Spo, for endorsement.

February 12, 2016 at 6:36 PM  

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