A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Sunday, April 02, 2017

There She is…Miss Arteejee!

Long time follower Janey raised a question recently about the women who have served as the unofficial sex symbol for the Arteejee blog site.  For the longest time, this honor was held by former Alaska Governor and professional quitter Sarah Palin.  I bestowed this honor on her without benefit of competition from others equally qualified for the title.

And what are those qualifications?  Well, of course, the women need to be celebrated and noteworthy, not so much for achievements they attained, but rather for the sheer stupidity of their political views.  The views are usually aided and abetted by any number of empty-headed, vapid comments stemming from their conservative world view. 

Oh yes, the contestants are usually conservative politically.  This is the forbidden fruit aspect of their qualification.  Lord knows I would never bring one of these conservative women home to mother, but I would still enjoy a romp with them if only so I could dismiss them in the morning with a curt rejection, if not outright kicking them out of bed.   Or they could do it to me, no matter.  In my life, someone usually ends up on the floor in the morning, sobbing how they thought this time was different.

Okay, full disclosure: I was usually the one sobbing on the floor.  Okay, more full disclosure: I would not even get the object of my desire into bed in the first place, let alone being kicked out of the bed the morning after.  To paraphrase a current popular expression on Twitter: SAD.

Has this topic creeped anyone out yet?  To paraphrase Al Jolson: “Just wait, you ain’t read nothing yet!”

And of course there is the shallow factor.   Do they look good in heels?  Does their walk in said heels emphasize their “jello on springs” effect*?  And of course are they sufficiently well endowed “upstairs”?   By upstairs I am referring to the mezzanine, not the penthouse.  I am not interested in intelligence or the capacity of their brain.

My, it is getting creepy in here, isn’t it?

In any case, it is time for Ms. Palin to relinquish her crown and let a new empty-headed conservative woman assume the title.   This year’s nominees include a few legacy contestants, a dark horse and a newcomer to the national political scene.

Ann Coulter

Our first returning legacy contestant has been bandied about or lusted after in this blog before.  Her long legs and equally long blonde hair won her accolades in the shallow competition. Lord knows her various attacks on liberals over the years have been mean-spirited, but more importantly, extremely vapid.  Unfortunately the wrinkles around her Adam’s apple have become more obvious in recent years and, maybe this is my imagination, it seems that her nose also grew longer. Ann, perhaps it’s time to retire from active competition, and let a new pair of legs walk the catwalk.

Nikki Haley

Haley is another legacy contestant, a non-blonde, which is a plus for me.  Sometimes these beauty pageants get over-blonded.  She has had her share of stupid conservative views in the past, but more recently she has voiced views which, to this liberal’s ears, sound positively progressive!  Perish the thought!   

This and the fact that she has been appointed to the political no-man’s land equivalent position of  US Ambassador of the United Nations guarantees that we may not hear her utterances, vapid or otherwise,  for a long time to come.

Michele Bachmann

Has the inches in the legs department for a high shallow score and her past comments certainly qualify her for runner up in the stupid political view competition.   However, on the whole she has come off as, how shall we say, mannish?  Must…resist…snarky comment…about…Mr. Bachmann…here….

Chris Christie

Our dark horse candidate has some obvious pluses and minuses.   He’s a sympathy candidate:  lost the nomination, elbowed out of the President’s transition team, and soon his term as governor of New Jersey will expire. What else can go wrong for him?   His major plus: rumor has it that he once beat the crap out of a bunch of bleeding heart liberals in a schoolyard when they dared to raise their hands to ask him a question while he spewed out some conservative gibberish.  This really impressed the Arteejee judges during the talent completion.

Minuses: wrong gender.  Sorry to say that we at Arteejee have clearly defined (read sexist) rules for the Miss Arteejee competition.  This blog, while friendly to all cultures, persuasions and orientations, does not swing THAT way.  Besides, to paraphrase a popular Polish polka, “He’s too fat for me!”

Kellyanne Conway

The newest contestant and what’s not to like: leggy, blonde, and those comments defending the new administration?   WOW!   Of course her comments run the risk of turning the judges against her.   It’s one thing to play the part of a dumb blonde, but Kellyanne abuses the privilege.

Patrick Stewart

Yes, I know wrong gender again, but has any one seen those images of him in drag on the Internet?  He could very well pass as Kellyanne’s doppelganger.  On the other hand we refuse to believe he has ever said anything as stupid as Kellyanne.  Still, we could slot him in as one of the runners ups.  Just saying.

So there are the contestants for Arteejee Sex Symbol for 2017.  What say ye, judges?

*Jello on springs: Jack Lemon’s memorable observation on the opposite sex in Billy Wilder’s Some Like It Hot (1959).

(Thank you for reading.  Oh, and have you ever seen Christie walk in heels?  There, get that vision out of your head, I dare you!  Yecch!)


Blogger Bob said...

Wow, what a vile crew of hopefuls.

I will say this, we here in South Carolina are pleased as punch that Miss Nikki is gone.

That said, I might vote for Miss Patrick Stewart.

Just sayin'.

April 2, 2017 at 3:18 PM  
Anonymous Janey, Admirere of Both Male and Female Beauty said...

What a disappointing collection of ugly, aged women, and gross men even I wouldn't do! (Although thank you for considering men, despite your 57 years of staunch and unblemished heterosexuality! Trust me, Readers, if RTG had sucked cock while all fucked up back in his college days, I would have known about it...!)

Still, a choice must be made from your nominees, and after all, RTG, this is your fuckin' blog.

Therefore, I cast my vote: Former New Jersey Blueberry Queen Kellyanne Conway.
Allow me to justify my selection with these two points:

First, a letter writer to The New York Times recently posed this rhetorical question: "Why does Kellyanne always look like she was on a bender the night before, and woke up wearing yesterday's makeup?" Indeed, Kellyanne is one ugly fucking cunt.

Second, I am sure readers of this august blog will recall a recent photo of Kellyanne -- published everywhere -- that shows her kneeling, with her shoes on the sofa of the Oval Office of the White House while figuring out how to use a camera. Many felt that was disrespectful (as if Kellyanne's cheap dirty blueberry-stained shoes were the worst thing in the Oval Office these days...); others were pissed that the sole woman in the room was asked to take the picture of Trump surrounded by the African-American leaders of historically black colleges and universities. I, however, applauded the photo, and found new respect for Kellyanne, for anyone who gets on his/her knees in a room full of black men is alright by me!

Thank you, RTG, for so swiftly responding to the query I posed in my reply to your last post!

Love, Janey
PS: Why no love for Melania Trump? Now that bitch is smokin'!!!

April 2, 2017 at 4:52 PM  
Blogger Raybeard said...

Ms Coulter (I use the 'Ms' advisedly) has been a particular bete noire for the LGBTQ community in the UK for, I think, even longer than the time she's spent vomiting forth her Christian-reactionary views on all kinds of subjects in the USA. ("Obama is a retard!"). Despite claiming to be 'gay-friendly', she and her brother were leading campaigners to get our then Conservative government back in the late 80s/90s, to make it a criminal offence for teachers to tell their pupils anything gay-positive, which they then did. But that's thankfully all behind us now.

But as for voting for just one of your select list to be endowed with your generous honour, well it can't be anyone other than the lovely Kellyanne, can it?
With her glacial, painted-on grin, she couldn't be a finer choice to be spokesperson for the POTUS. It's an entertainment in itself watching her squirm inside as she has to justify D.T.'s blatant inanities, a feat she performs with aplomb, and which fools no one but his many rabid, he-can-do-no-wrong supporters! Come on, Honey. Step up and receive your crown, so richly deserved!

April 3, 2017 at 2:38 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you Bob for the comments. This "vile crew of hopefuls" is one reason we discontinued the swimsuit competition.

Thank you Janey for your comments. Melania Trump was not considered due to her conflicts of interest.

Thank you for your vote Raybeard. I had no idea Coulter went back that far with her hateful comments.

April 3, 2017 at 6:53 AM  
Anonymous Janey, "Head" Judge of the Arteegee Sex Symbol 2017 Competition said...

I request -- no, I DEMAND! -- that next year the Swimsuit Competition be restored!

April 3, 2017 at 9:34 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Be careful what you wish for, Janey. Christie may show up in a thong and pasties!

April 9, 2017 at 8:48 AM  

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