Valentine’s Day Advice for the Lovelorn

Today is a special day for hearts all over the world, regardless if you’re fanning the flames of romance or throwing cold water on the fire of passion. The following are lines that will be heard today in either situation. Please, dear reader, feel free to use these lines to spread the love on this day.

1. “I love you for all the happiness and sunshine you bring to my life.”

2. “Don’t hurry back from running your errands. I need time to change all the locks.”

3. “My heart belongs to you today and always.”

4. “You (expletive deleted)! You’re breaking up with me after I’ve given you the best weekend of your life?????"

5. “Your warm, caring ways overwhelm my soul and my being.”

6. “Love you, love your cat? Fine with me! Come here, pussy!"

(EDITOR’S NOTE: It appears that Mr. Gunther is not quite feeling the true, loving spirit of the day. Therefore we are discontinuing his “advice” for the lovelorn. Next week in this spot we will present suggestions on what President Bush can do with Iraq. In the meantime, Happy Valentine’s Day!)