White Men Can’t Rap

Of all the things Karl Rove has done to embarrass this country to the rest of the world, his performance at the Radio and Television Correspondents Dinner in Washington last week hit a new high. At one point in the evening, Rove and a group of male correspondents sang an original rap. All swung their bodies in place in what passes for rhythm in the white male community. Rove even barked out the words, “MC Rove” a few times during the course of the song.

I can understand why citizens of the world would hold such things as war, poverty, pestilence and corruption down through the ages against the white male. Let’s face it, guys. Many of the civilizations throughout history have been patriarchal in nature, and so much of the blame for the world’s ills should be laid at our feet.

However, the sight of one of the most influential men in the free world, rapping and swinging his body around like a tree caught in a wind storm was the last straw. Why don’t these guys realize that they were not meant to rap? I know that I am too stiff and unable to loosen up enough to look good on the dance floor. How come they don’t know this? Didn’t they get an e-mail telling them this? If they didn’t, then it’s the only e-mail in Washington that they didn’t receive.

I think another Constitutional amendment should be proposed. Anyone who cannot prove to be loose enough to “get down” or “get jiggy with it” should be prohibited from stepping on a dance floor, stage or any other structure erected for the purpose of public display, expression or entertainment. The penalties could be agreed upon later. Perhaps something along the lines of standing them in town squares all over the country and allowing all American citizens to come, stand around them, point at the offender, and laugh hysterically.

The dinner was not a total loss for civilization. The President himself showed some skill at telling jokes. Yes, it’s true. One of his lines mused about how Clinton’s memoir totaled 1600 pages, but that his memoir would be a pop-up book. At another point he reminded everyone of his administration's highlights this time last year: his approval rating in the thirties, his Supreme Court nominee had withdrawn, and his vice-president had shot somebody. “Oh, those were the days,” quipped President Bush.

I had to admit it, but this is good stuff. Even Anne Marie snickered at the “pop-up book" reference. This makes me believe that he has missed his calling in life and is in reality a frustrated stand-up comic. It probably pains him to no end to sit in his Oval Office day after day, making decisions that will affect millions of people for years to come, knowing that he really wants to be asking, “Hey, why did the chicken cross the road?” to a Rotary audience in Podunk, Iowa.

I hope the President will realize his ambition, the sooner the better. Yes, I believe he should go on national television sometime in the near future and announce, “My fellow Americans. I come to you tonight to announce that I am resigning effective immediately so that I can tour as an opening comedy act for Justin Timberlake.” By all means, Mr. President, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. Do it now, quick, before Condi talks you out of it. Also don’t forget to take that sorry excuse for a male rapper, MC Rove, with you...please!!!!!!