A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, July 19, 2007

A Conversation with Steven

Our cats, Steven and Meredith, are very important to Anne Marie and me. They are our children, and we spoil them as much as we can. Recently, Steven and I had a lengthy chat about life in general. Our conversation went something like this.

STEVEN: “Meow?”

ME: “I know you’re tired of eating salmon every night, but it is very good for you. Actually, you made a good suggestion about other flavors that should be sold. Believe me, your mother and I have searched the supermarket shelves for marinated starling, chopped sparrow, roasted breast of robin redbreast, and minced squirrel, but they simply don’t exist at this time. Tell you what, let’s write these flavors down and submit them to Ralston-Purina for their consideration. I’m sure they would appreciate your suggestions.”

STEVEN: “Meow?”

ME: “Really? I thought catnip was catnip, regardless of where it came from. I had no idea that the catnip from South America was that potent. We’ll have to look into that for you. I guess the good old domestic nip doesn’t cut it anymore, eh?”

STEVEN: “Meow?”

ME: “Good question! Simply put, the President is an idiot!”

STEVEN: “Meow! Meow?”

ME: “Oh, Steven, how can you think such a thing? Obviously, you’ve never seen the Zapruder film. Look let me demonstrate for you…”

(At this point I reconstructed the Kennedy assassination using a catnip toy as the presidential motorcade, a kitty climbing tower as the book depository, and a small orange kitty tent as the grassy knoll. I also used small velvet mouse toys to stand in for the President and First Lady, and the Connallys. Unfortunately for my presentation, Meredith came running through, grabbed up the Jackie Kennedy mouse with her teeth and took off. Despite my best efforts at this visual demonstration, Steven still believes in the lone gunman theory.)

STEVEN: “Meow?”

ME: “The meaning of life? Oh, that’s an easy one, Steven. The answer is 42. If you don’t believe me, look it up in Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”

STEVEN: “Meow?”

ME: “Hmm, I don’t know if an ultimate cat exists. I mean, we humans have a God that we believe has some control over our lives, but I’ve never heard of an omniscient, omnipresent feline. I suppose one could exist…but it doesn’t matter to me if you believe in one or not. I’ll always love you as my own precious cat.”

STEVEN: “Meow! Purrrrrrrr!”

ME: “Yes, I’m glad we had this little talk too!”


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