Sleep Studies

A recent article in the Philadelphia Inquirer reported the differences in sleep patterns between men and women. The study found that many couples sleep in separate rooms owing to women being light sleepers. It is all due to evolution down through thousands of years. The article explained that women have evolved to be alert for dangers to their offspring, even when they are asleep.

The article was fascinating, but I felt we should do more personal research on the matter. Therefore, we at the Gunther Institute for Waking Up in the Middle of the Night and Shouting Notable Internet News Up to Our Slumbering Spouse concocted a series of experiments to test this theory. We chose several different scenarios with accompanying sound and/or dialogue effects to ascertain the reaction of the sleeping person.

Anne Marie went first. As she slept, I prodded Meredith to meow loudly as she often does in the middle of the night. Anne Marie awoke, raised her head long enough to see that Meredith was all right, and fell back asleep. Next, Meredith rubbed her paws repeatedly on Anne Marie’s closed bedroom door, creating an annoying squeaking sound. My wife’s reaction was the same as before: raise head, look around, back to sleep.

Next I tried a loud sound effect: dropping a pile of pots and pans on the kitchen floor. Anne Marie’s reaction was different from the two previous experiments, but not totally unexpected. She woke, yelled down a question to me in language that would make a sailor blush, and fell back asleep without further comment.

The most startling reaction when I yelled a request to her in the middle of the night, “Dear, I’m thirsty. Can I have a drink?” Anne Marie did not react at all and remained asleep. I tried another line, “Yo, get me a beer!” Still no reaction; in fact I could now hear snoring and I thought I saw a smug smile of satisfaction on her face. This is in sharp contrast to the Worship Your Husband study performed at the Institute of Sex Exploitation (1957) in which wives dutifully jumped out of bed and raced to the refrigerator to get a nice, cold Schlitz for their man. Truly, that was a simpler time.

Then it was my turn to be the sleeper. The scenarios for me ranged from the loud crash of dishes in the kitchen, recording of Harley-Davidson motorcycles screaming down the road, loud rock music suddenly cranked up on my clock radio, to Steven jumping up on my bed and walking all over me. Strangely, my reaction to all these scenarios were the same: spring bolt upright, unhook my CPAP mask in one graceful motion, and yell at the top of my lungs, “What the hell is going on?” Apparently I’m also a light sleeper, which contradicts the conclusion of the previous studies. This could also be another example of my being in touch with my feminine side, but there is nothing wrong with that.

Conclusion: disregard studies about who sleeps where and what the quality of that sleep is wherever people choose to lie down. The important thing is to get plenty of rest so that you’re not such a bitch/son-of-a-bitch to those who truly matter to you. Also make sure your loved ones get plenty of rest so that they can treat you in kind. Who knows, if everyone did this there might be more peace in the world.

So, go to bed everyone! Now! No arguments! Good night!