I Wouldn't Want To Be Like Them*

I will confess that I am not the most religious man in the world. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I was in a...oh, what do you call it? Four walls, steeple, stained glass windows...oh, now I remember! Church! I can’t remember the last time I was in a church.

Despite this, I do have some deeply held cherished beliefs, and from time to time I do express my gratitude to a Supreme Being. Today is one of those times in which I feel compelled to thank God for making me the man I am today. This compulsion is in light of recent events that happened within the last week.

Dear Lord:

I want to thank you for allowing me to recognize that all of us are God’s children and that your children belong to cultures that are all equal and valid in your sight. I am grateful that I don’t share the same narrow-minded, shortsighted views of some conservatives. Specifically, I certainly don’t agree with that vapid, WASP princess known as Ann Coulter. As you know, she made allusions last week that Jews are “imperfect” and that Christianity is the perfect religion. Perhaps she was channeling the Pope when she said this, but I can’t forgive her for this intolerable point of view. Intolerance after all is the opposite of what we should consider an American ideal.

Lord, I also want to thank you for giving me the wisdom to see the difference between a responsible candidate concerned with the issues and some desperate Republican hack who can’t make a dent in the polls unless he says something stupid. Of course you know I’m talking about - Mike Huckabee, who warned that 10,000 baby boomers a week are becoming eligible for Medicare. He concluded his warning by saying that a lot of aging hippies are looking forward to “getting free drugs.” Perhaps he thought he was being humorous and the audience gathered at the debate where he said this did respond with a polite chuckle. Still, I can’t imagine someone scoring political points at the expense of some downtrodden, establishment dropouts.

Lord, thank you also for allowing me to know the difference between intelligent discourse over our nation’s airwaves, and the rants of an egotistical blowhard against a 12 year old child who spoke out for health care coverage for children. Of course you know I’m talking about your old pal, Rush. He insists that his talent is on loan from you. If that is true, then I must ask the question: Has he made any payments lately? If not, isn’t it about time to foreclose on that loan? Just curious...

Also, Lord, I feel I should call your attention to the fact that Reverend Fred Phelps of Wichita, Kansas is still ALIVE, WELL, and still preaching his gospel of hatred and intolerance in your name. I know I mentioned him last year in my prayers to you, but for some reason you haven’t CALLED HIM HOME yet. I realize you have been very busy what with Christian nations creating false wars against their brethren, but I had hoped that my request would have been filled by now.

Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to request your guidance and grant me more patience for all these things I wish would come to pass. In the meantime, I’ll continue to do my best to see good in everything and everyone. I know this means I will have to allow the Republicans and the conservatives the occasional transgressions, as long as they extend the same allowance to me and the others who think like me.

AMEN.

*With apologies to The Alan Parsons Project.