Milli Vanilli Goes to the Olympics

In their quest for a more perfect Olympics, the Chinese government has allegedly resorted to tricks and deception. First, there were reports that fireworks had been digitally inserted into the television broadcast of the opening ceremonies. Apparently there was some concern that the cameras would not capture all of the display's splendor for the world-wide audience tuning in.

Now another controversy has reared its ugly dragon head over the festivities. It seems that at one point in the ceremony a Chinese girl would sing, “Ode to the Motherland”. The original girl chosen was determined to be a good singer, but a Politburo member did not think she was photogenic enough: she has crooked teeth. At the last moment, a “cuter” Chinese girl was placed in front of the camera and lip-synched the song, while the original singer sang from a place off camera, and presumably out of vision range of the live audience.

The media were tipped off to the deception by a radio interview with the ceremony's music director last Sunday. The government has defended their actions by saying it was in the “national interest” to present a flawless performance to the world. The incident has sparked a debate within the Chinese media (and blogosphere) about using innocent children to achieve this deception.

The girl seen on camera, Lia Mianoke, was instantly hailed as a rising star immediately after the performance. Yes, she is certainly cute and perhaps this is the beginning of a long career in modeling for her. The girl who did the actual singing, Yang Pelyi, did not mind the arrangement. She was honored to be part of the opening ceremonies whether she was seen on camera or not.

Yo, little girl, you’ve been seriously dissed! Your government basically told you, “Yes, you have a very nice voice, but you have ugly teeth!” If you were an American, or knew an American lawyer, you could probably sue. My advice: see an orthodontist and charge it to the Politburo. You’ve just survived your first harsh lesson in the adult world. As you grow older, you’ll learn how to use your talent to your advantage. Who knows...you may wind up in Hollywood as the next Marni Nixon.

Unfortunately, I’m left with a sour taste in my mouth and it’s not from dim sum. I have to wonder what other things the Chinese government has lied about down through the centuries. For example, is your Great Wall really a wall, or could it be just a 1500 mile long matte painting? Or Mao’s little red book probably was never really red, was it? What about the millions of products shipped to our shores with the stamp “Made in China” on the bottom? Were they really made within your borders, or did you outsource that work to Taiwan?

We’re wise to you now, China! Many of us have seen that disgusting Internet photo essay showing how rats are skinned and prepared to look like roast chicken on the buffet table. I suppose all that sweet and sour pork we’ve eaten over the years wasn’t really pork! I could go on, but suffice to say that your government may have much to answer for once the Olympics are over.

Fortunately, the games themselves are proceeding without incident, but there are a few bizarre things going on outside the arena. For example, one world leader attended the opening ceremonies even while his military was bombing the crap out of Georgia. Not to be outdone, our fearless leader criticized this action, even though he has been bombing the crap out of Iraq for the last five years.

Good luck, Ms. Pelyi and Ms. Mianoke! You will much to learn from us so-called adults!