A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

My Photo
Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, October 02, 2008

The Bail Out America Telethon*

Crowd applauds as a singer leaves the stage and Rhett Crit appears at the microphone.

Crit: "Thank you! Clay Aiken, everyone! What a wonderful medley from La Cage Aux Folles."

"Welcome, everyone, to another hour of The Bail Out America Telethon. Folks, this is the big one. I know you get these appeals all the time. Public Broadcasting comes on all the time, and Jerry Lewis is on once a year for his kids, but this is bigger than all of them. This is for all of us.”

“We need your money. And by we, I mean all of us. This financial meltdown will hurt everyone. And by everyone, I mean you, the blue collar worker with little or no health insurance coverage in the Midwest, or you, the white collar worker facing foreclosure in California, or you, the Wall Street financier that can’t make the next payment on his corporate jet. We’re all in this together America!”

“If we let this opportunity pass us by, we’ll see an economic calamity bigger than the Great Depression! Please consider the story of Brewster Ward. He’s a top executive with Lehman Brothers, and he's facing certain ruin because of his company’s reversal of fortune. He still has his home, and he still has his family, but he may not get that $22 million dollar bonus that he’s worked so hard for all these years. Imagine, toiling away at a desk, eight hours a day, five days a week, 52 weeks a year for year after year, only to see his golden parachute snap and send him plummeting into the pits of financial hell! America, we must not let this happen to our gifted geniuses of Wall Street!”

“Our operators are standing by, waiting to talk to you, waiting to graciously accept your donation. The phones aren’t ringing, people! Come on, America! This is for all of us.”

“We’re not asking you for one dollar, or five dollars, or even ten dollars. Instead, we are asking for at least $2,300 from every man, woman, and child in this great country of ours. This amount will save the great banks that so foolishly invested in a lot of bad mortgages. Yes, we are asking you, the American people, the American taxpayer, to pay for their mistakes.”

“Treasury Secretary Paulson will be out later as soon as he gets his knee pads on, but before he does, please think about donating to this worthy cause. I realize that this is asking a lot, but remember this is a bank, I mean country, for the people, of the people, and by the people. We’re passing the hat around and it’s the biggest mother hat ever in the history of this country.”

“If you can’t afford the full amount now, consider using a credit card, or perhaps you still have your stimulus check sitting around at home, uncashed. You haven’t cashed it yet, because you can’t decide on what to spend it. You’ve been thinking of what you can do with that money. Perhaps a down payment on a new car, pay your child’s college tuition, or that big screen television you’ve been drooling over at your local Best Buy.”

“Well, let me suggest to you to forget all that and consider returning that cash back to Uncle Sam. That’s right! Just sign it and return it back to us, for all of us. Call in now! Donate that money now! If you don’t do it now, you’ll surely have to do it next year, or the year after that. Or your children will pay for it...or your grandchildren...or your great grandchildren..."

“I’m Rhett Crit and nobody approved this message.”

*Inspired by a conversation with blog reader Damon Oliver; thanks, Damon!


Post a Comment

<< Home