A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Some Advice for the Big Three

Dear Big Three Automakers:

Hi! Hope you’re having a good weekend, or at least that it’s better than the week you had. Yes, I did see the footage of the three of you - all dressed so well like it was your first job interview. Unfortunately, you weren’t after a job. You were only asking for money from Uncle Sam to help you out, just until the end of the year.

The ladies and gentlemen of the US Congress listened very carefully to your concerns about your industry and all the millions of hard-working, blue collar, unionized Americans that will be out of work if your companies fail. They watched as you (figuratively) held a gun to the head of a UAW worker, vowing to take him with you if you went down. (I hope you realize that you can only hold your hostage until 5:00, at which time you’ll need to pay him time-and-a-half!) They listened carefully and closely, and then made fun of your corporate jets. Well, it just goes to show how much respect you rate in the halls of power.

To be honest, it serves you right!

Look guys, I might as well be honest with you: nobody respects you now. You’ve led an industry that was crying out for modifications and improvements, like improved gas mileage and products that are powered with alternative fuel sources, and what did you do? You kept championing bigger, gas-guzzling vehicles because you were convinced that is what the American consumer wanted. In reality, the American consumer was seduced by the lords of Madison Avenue, who used every trick in the book to convince us that, yes, we had to drive those big dinosaurs, or we would looked upon as abject failures of our status-seeking society. Of course, the lords of Madison Avenue were just answering to orders that came from...YOU! My, this modern consumerism is a vicious cycle, isn’t it?

The part that is really sad about all this is that your competitors — your foreign competitors — saw the writing on the wall and offered consumers better mileage and alternative fuels. They saw the writing on the wall years ago and acted accordingly. Now, suddenly, you wake up and notice that your profits are non-existent. So you came to Washington with the explanation that you don’t know how this all happened, but it won’t stop you from begging for money so you can develop your new competitive products that will save American industry. Oh, please, spare me!!!!

I don’t know why I’m doing this, but as a concerned American, I feel I should offer some advice to you to help you the next time you go to Washington. No, I don’t have an economics degree from which to draw my words of wisdom. Instead, I’ll use something that you obviously don’t have: common sense.


No one will take your vows of austerity seriously if you yourselves are not prepared to cut your own expenses. Why should the blue collar assembly-line worker take the fall for you when you’re still tooling around in your $20,000/hour corporate bird? I will acknowledge that General Motors has gotten the ball rolling on this score with its announcement that it is cutting its fleet of jets from seven to five. Nice gesture, GM, but it’s just a start. Cutting down to five jets helps; cutting down to zero jets would be more helpful.


You know the one I mean. The one that told you, “Yeah, sure, fly down to DC in your own plane. It’ll show that you’re truly in touch with the plight of the average worker.” I wouldn’t be surprised if these were the same people that told Sarah Palin, “Sure, go ahead and pardon a young tom at a turkey farm. Then linger around for questions so that the cameras can get a nice view of tom’s fellow gobblers getting the ax — literally, and graphically!”


Yes, I realize that the Japanese ritual suicide is a bit drastic, but it shouldn’t be taken off the table. After all, you were the ones in charge all these years when your industry was led down this self-indulgent, wasteful path to economic destruction. Somebody should take the fall.

Okay, okay, I know, suicide is immoral. Would you consider voluntary resignations - effective immediately, if the government gives into your demands? We may all have to settle on this as your punishment for crimes against capitalism. If it comes to this, then I can only hope that your golden parachutes are made of lead!

Happy landings, fellas!


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