Who’s Who on The Unemployment Rolls
Quick personal update: I am still unemployed, but I did have an interview last week. I thought it all went well, but I am still waiting to hear from them. This happened among several encouraging signs that the unemployment rate has started trending downward. I am also encouraged that the recession has affected more than just the middle class. As examples, I will cite several recent high profile additions to the unemployment rolls, and one who is literally committing murder to keep his job.
Job Loser #1 – RONALD MCDONALD
It finally happened! After nearly 50 years, the fast food giant has retired their happy-go-lucky corporate symbol. In job severance parlance, the company has decided to “go in a different direction”. Apparently the success of their lattes has gone to their corporate heads so much that now McDonald’s wants to move away from their core business of fast food. Gee, they couldn’t have decided this, say 40 years ago, when they used every trick in the book to convince an entire generation of American youth that there was a great future in being morbidly obese! Anyone who knows me will attest that I swallowed this argument hook, line, and McCheeseburger.
So it is with heavy cholesterol-laden-arteries that we bid farewell to another of our childhood memories. Good bye, Ronald! Farewell to your hamburgers that swayed in the breeze from their patch on our Saturday morning television screens in the 1960’s. Adios, H.R. Pufnstuff rip-off Mayor McCheese, with your human body, very large cheeseburger head (the original cheesehead) and Ed Wynn voice. Good riddance to Grimace, you purple blob pile of I-don’t-what-and-I-don’t-even-want-to-think-what-you’re-made-of-considering-you’ve-been-around-all-that-food-for-four-decades-or-so!
Job Loser #2 – CHARLIE SHEEN
Sheen is a television actor with the second largest ego in the universe (for largest ego, see Job Loser #3 below). Here is a man who had it all — a steady gig in a business not well known for supplying steady gigs that paid him $2 million (yes million) per episode of Two and A-Half Men. He was literally on top of the world with large mansions, a large drug habit, and a couple of female buds who may or may not be prostitutes/porn stars.
So how did he become unemployed? His sitcom is still very popular and wasn’t canceled. Gross misconduct? Hmm, we’re getting warmer. Embarking on a loud campaign denigrating his bosses as maggots, crapping on the entire industry before demanding a raise to $3 million per episode? Bingo! Hey Charlie, way to commit career suicide!
I wonder how long it took the producers to decide that they wanted to “go in a different direction” from Charlie Sheen. I suppose the debate could have gone something like this: “Gee, billions in syndication residuals, but he called me a maggot! Billions in syndication residuals...but he called me a maggot! Billions in syndication residuals...aw, the hell with it!”
Do not cry for Charlie, Argentina, or anyone else for that matter! Charlie will find work again, even if it is just his photograph in your favorite dictionary illustrating the definition for the word “asshole”.
Job Loser #3 – MOAMMAR GHADAFI
Actually, the plucky mass murdering dictator is still employed — despite my earlier prediction. Unlike some people who know they are not wanted when they get their notice (for example, moi), Ghadafi can’t take the hint. He is not being very gracious at all by staying on, killing thousands of his countrymen, and trying his very best to plunge his country into civil war.
Ghadafi’s arrogance just edges out Charlie Sheen for largest ego award!
We can’t stress this enough, Moammar: it’s time to go and call it a career. Retire before any more embarrassing information comes out about you, like the fact released by one of your former ministers that you ordered the Lockerbie bombing. Actually, all of us figured that one out a long time ago, but it was still satisfying to find out that our suspicions were correct.
All of this violence and killing cannot be good for his resume. How will all of this look when he goes on a job interview? Well, that interview might go something like this:
Human Resources: So, Mr. Ghadafi, I see you were at your last job for what, 40 years. Why did you leave?
Ghadafi: My people, they loved me, but they wanted me to leave. So I killed them! I killed them good...by the thousands.
Human Resources (after a long awkward pause): Okay, well, they probably had it coming to them. (Chuckle.) Anyway, where do you see yourself in five years, Moammar?
Ghadafi: I see myself ruling over my people...with a benevolent iron fist!
Human Resources: Benevolent iron fist?
Ghadafi: I will love them, or crush them underneath my iron fist...with benevolence, of course!
And so on and so on...
Attention to Human Resources people everywhere who have to put up with the Ghadafis, the Charlie Sheens, and the Ronald McDonalds of the world: you have my deepest sympathy.
(Thank you for reading. Please remember pimping fatty burgers to children, partying life away on blow, and mass murder do not a career make!)
Job Loser #1 – RONALD MCDONALD
It finally happened! After nearly 50 years, the fast food giant has retired their happy-go-lucky corporate symbol. In job severance parlance, the company has decided to “go in a different direction”. Apparently the success of their lattes has gone to their corporate heads so much that now McDonald’s wants to move away from their core business of fast food. Gee, they couldn’t have decided this, say 40 years ago, when they used every trick in the book to convince an entire generation of American youth that there was a great future in being morbidly obese! Anyone who knows me will attest that I swallowed this argument hook, line, and McCheeseburger.
So it is with heavy cholesterol-laden-arteries that we bid farewell to another of our childhood memories. Good bye, Ronald! Farewell to your hamburgers that swayed in the breeze from their patch on our Saturday morning television screens in the 1960’s. Adios, H.R. Pufnstuff rip-off Mayor McCheese, with your human body, very large cheeseburger head (the original cheesehead) and Ed Wynn voice. Good riddance to Grimace, you purple blob pile of I-don’t-what-and-I-don’t-even-want-to-think-what-you’re-made-of-considering-you’ve-been-around-all-that-food-for-four-decades-or-so!
Job Loser #2 – CHARLIE SHEEN
Sheen is a television actor with the second largest ego in the universe (for largest ego, see Job Loser #3 below). Here is a man who had it all — a steady gig in a business not well known for supplying steady gigs that paid him $2 million (yes million) per episode of Two and A-Half Men. He was literally on top of the world with large mansions, a large drug habit, and a couple of female buds who may or may not be prostitutes/porn stars.
So how did he become unemployed? His sitcom is still very popular and wasn’t canceled. Gross misconduct? Hmm, we’re getting warmer. Embarking on a loud campaign denigrating his bosses as maggots, crapping on the entire industry before demanding a raise to $3 million per episode? Bingo! Hey Charlie, way to commit career suicide!
I wonder how long it took the producers to decide that they wanted to “go in a different direction” from Charlie Sheen. I suppose the debate could have gone something like this: “Gee, billions in syndication residuals, but he called me a maggot! Billions in syndication residuals...but he called me a maggot! Billions in syndication residuals...aw, the hell with it!”
Do not cry for Charlie, Argentina, or anyone else for that matter! Charlie will find work again, even if it is just his photograph in your favorite dictionary illustrating the definition for the word “asshole”.
Job Loser #3 – MOAMMAR GHADAFI
Actually, the plucky mass murdering dictator is still employed — despite my earlier prediction. Unlike some people who know they are not wanted when they get their notice (for example, moi), Ghadafi can’t take the hint. He is not being very gracious at all by staying on, killing thousands of his countrymen, and trying his very best to plunge his country into civil war.
Ghadafi’s arrogance just edges out Charlie Sheen for largest ego award!
We can’t stress this enough, Moammar: it’s time to go and call it a career. Retire before any more embarrassing information comes out about you, like the fact released by one of your former ministers that you ordered the Lockerbie bombing. Actually, all of us figured that one out a long time ago, but it was still satisfying to find out that our suspicions were correct.
All of this violence and killing cannot be good for his resume. How will all of this look when he goes on a job interview? Well, that interview might go something like this:
Human Resources: So, Mr. Ghadafi, I see you were at your last job for what, 40 years. Why did you leave?
Ghadafi: My people, they loved me, but they wanted me to leave. So I killed them! I killed them good...by the thousands.
Human Resources (after a long awkward pause): Okay, well, they probably had it coming to them. (Chuckle.) Anyway, where do you see yourself in five years, Moammar?
Ghadafi: I see myself ruling over my people...with a benevolent iron fist!
Human Resources: Benevolent iron fist?
Ghadafi: I will love them, or crush them underneath my iron fist...with benevolence, of course!
And so on and so on...
Attention to Human Resources people everywhere who have to put up with the Ghadafis, the Charlie Sheens, and the Ronald McDonalds of the world: you have my deepest sympathy.
(Thank you for reading. Please remember pimping fatty burgers to children, partying life away on blow, and mass murder do not a career make!)
posted by todd gunther | 7:32 AM
2 Comments:
Dear RTG,
Why not schedule an interview with Chuck Lorre (aka "Chaim Levine")? I hear he's looking for a replacement actor for a very popoular and well-paying sitcom. And what you experienced at the Moonglow may have provided you with the prpoer credentials for the job... :-)
Janey
I wish I could spell in the morning...
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