...Or So My Friends Tell Me

One of arteejee’s most loyal readers has issued a challenge. A few months ago, I was still in medical coding mode, which led me to describe the most mundane aspects of everyday life — as in waking up, brewing coffee, and getting the morning paper – into medical terms. My challenge now is to describe a college party, which the reader swears he and I attended in the late 70s-early 80s. Naturally, I have no memory of ever attending such a party, and as such I had to do extensive research in order to recreate the scene that my reader swears I should remember.

The description of the events of a party from my college years will be written in medical terms first, followed by a translation in everyday English.

The guests were ushered into the apartment and prepped for a procedure of hedonistic abandon. A large metal bladder was produced and found to be swollen, necessitating a tap and catherization procedure for its contents. Legal and controlled substances were administered orally and via inhalation therapy. Clothes were removed and exchanged for other garments that were normally alien to one’s everyday orientation. Aural stimulation was produced and amplified utilizing fine needles running through grooves on a vinyl platter. Several participants removed other participants off the ground for the purpose of performing rapid physical therapy in rhythm with the amplified sounds emanating from the platters.

Two participants engaged in intensive cardio workout therapy in the middle of the room. One dressed in pink chiffon was spun around by his knees by another participant disguised as an altar boy. The procedure was completed, and the participants adjusted their heart rate with rest and replenished their fluids through oral consumption of legal substances.

A small stuffed animal was found to be anatomically incorrect; an exploratory procedure was immediately performed. The tail of the animal was reshaped and inserted through the animal’s legs. The surgeons, satisfied with their work, delivered the patient from the operating theater through a passage above the doorway into the recovery room. The stuffed animal tolerated the procedure well.

Now in English:

Guests entered the apartment where their coats were collected and piled onto the nearest bed. The keg was opened and pumped. Beer was drunk and doobies were smoked. (Confidential to Mom: if you don’t know what a doobie is, then please ask your grandchildren.) Clothes were removed and exchanged (remainder of this description redacted under legal advice). The stereo was turned on and turned up loud. A dance broke out.

Two participants danced suggestively (remainder of this description redacted in the name of everything that is holy and pure). The dancers left the floor at the end of the song and drank more beer.

A Pink Panther doll was found to be lacking a penis and was taken into the bathroom (remainder of this description redacted for...trust us, you really don’t want to know!) The now very well endowed Pink Panther doll was pushed through the transom to the hoots, taunts, and lewd suggestions of the partiers still in the bathroom. Otherwise, the Pink Panther tolerated the procedure well.

This description has been verified as actually happening at one point or another in my collegiate career...or so my friends tell me!

(Thank you for reading. Confidential to Janey: be careful what you wish for!)