arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Snort Notes – February 2012

MAN SUFFERS HEART ATTACK WHILE CONSUMING A HAMBURGER SANDWICH CALLED “THE TRIPLE BYPASS” AT LAS VEGAS HEART ATTACK GRILL

I just love it when these blog entries write themselves. Honestly, I don’t even have to knock my head against a wall thinking of a punch line. (Fear not, blog readers! I will admit now that I have never committed acts of physical violence on myself just to think of a funny ending. Or maybe you already realized that?) It’s already there in the text of the story. “Ah, sweet irony of life, at last I’ve found you...”

OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TWEAKS ITS REQUIREMENT THAT RELIGIOUS BASED INSTITUTIONS PROVIDE COVERAGE FOR BIRTH CONTROL AND CONTRACEPTION FOR THEIR EMPLOYEES

The backlash from a variety of religious leaders (coincidentally, many of them Roman Catholic) and Republican congressional leaders forced Obama to modify his requirement as part of a comprehensive health care policy. To be fair, Obama’s critics had a point, but only up to a certain point. They argued that this requirement was another example of government over-reaching, yet they don’t view an amendment outlawing abortion as over-reaching into the private lives of women. Boys and girls, ladies and gentleman, welcome to blatant hypocrisy theater!

Obama’s critics could have struck an ironic tone (see HEART ATTACK above) in their objections and claimed that his rule violated the separation of church and state. This would have been ironic because these same critics spend much of their time battling against this constitutional interpretation of sacred and secular separation with repeated attempts to inject their sense of morality into legislation. Curses, conservative movement! You may have won this round, but the liberal left will not slink quietly into the night.

RICK SANTORUM ENJOYS A SURGE IN THE POLLS IN HIS QUEST TO BE THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

Santorum has voiced so many loopy, narrow-minded pronouncements on the campaign trail that I hardly know where to begin. It’s like whenever I go to a Chinese buffet — do I start with the cold salad area, or go right for the hot dishes. Do I delve into the sweet and sour ethnocentric mud of his condemnation of Obama’s religious beliefs? Today’s controversy du jour quotes Santorum as calling out the President for following a “phony theology”.

Or do I bite into his earlier very hot General Tso’s chicken observation that a major Democratic Party voting bloc comprises single mothers? Whatever will you do to solve this crisis, Rick? Marry all the single mothers off and require them to register Republican?

Or do I take a chance on the indigestible dim sum chicken feet ear marks criticism leveled at him by Mitt Romney (remember him?)? At this point, I feel like I should issue a fair warning to the ladies: if Santorum gets into the White House, there is a very good chance that American women will spend their time kissing...kissing all their rights goodbye! Oh, I have no factual basis for this claim, but when it comes to making outrageously, negative comments on political candidates then why should Fox News and conservative Republicans have all the fun?

Speaking of Republicans having fun...

THIS WEEK'S REPUBLICAN DEBATE FOR THE NOMINEE OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HAS BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST

I believe I can say, on behalf of a grateful nation, and to paraphrase the words of Jim Nabors’ most famous character (Gomer Pyle), “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

The debate was in trouble as soon as Romney and Santorum declined to participate, and apparently nobody bothered to ask Ron Paul what his plans were because his name didn’t even come up in the press stories. That left Newt Gingrich to debate himself! Can you imagine what a circus that would have been? A full hour of Newt Gingrich taking on...Newt Gingrich?

Could it be that the Republican nominees have concluded they have run out of things to say? They have thrown barbs back and forth about offshore taxes, earmarks, health care reform, what they would to get Americans working again, what they would do about taxes...and the convention isn’t even until August!

Perhaps they should just make up items to debate and argue about just for the sake of debate. After all, at least one of them will eventually have to take on President Obama in the fall before the actual election. They might as well keep their chops up and hone their skills as it were for the big show.

So about what can they debate? Perhaps they can totally go off the charts and argue various facets about, oh, let’s see, I know! The Three Stooges! For example, “Mr. Gingrich, who do you think was funnier, Curly or Shemp?” Or “Mr. Romney, with your business background, do you believe you could have managed the team’s business affairs any better than Moe did in real life?” Or "Mr. Santorum, would you have approved an earmark for Larry to start tutoring inner city children on playing the violin?” And, of course, the big question for all of them, “Gentlemen, where do you stand on the spelling of Curly’s name: with an 'e' or without?"

As a matter of fact, it was the monthly open house at the Stoogeum this weekend. Thank you for asking! Not that any of the Republican candidates bothered to show up...

(Thank you for reading. Payroll tax raise countdown amended. Payroll taxes may rise in ten months and ten days.)

1 Comments:

Anonymous janey said...

Well, I've got a bit of a buzz going, so I'm go to take a look at the potential grooviness of Santorum (the candidate, not the rectal discharge; I know, I know that it is difficult to tell them apart...)becoming the Republican nominee for President: first, it would expose all of his narrow and bigoted views for the whole nation to mock for months! Why should just we Pennsylvanians have all the fun? And then when he loses (I hope for his humilating defeat in all 50 states), then he goes away. But if Romney gets the nomination, (and then loses), then guess who will be back in four years, running yet again? Nominate Santorum (again, the man, not the rectal discharge, although I will be patient with the frequent confusion), let him be nationally vilified, and then let's all move on...

February 19, 2012 at 4:52 PM  

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