arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Sunday, August 25, 2013

Snort Bites – August 2013



NEW YORK CITY MAYOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG OFFERS HIS ADVICE ON BEING SUCCESSFUL: LIMIT BATHROOM BREAKS


On his radio show, Bloomberg offered his career experiences as an example of his success. He recounted how he would be the first one in the office in the morning, the last one to leave at night and in between take as few breaks as possible for lunches and going to the bathroom. His call to spend as much time as possible at the desk while on the job contributing to long term success is a no-brainer. Still, his advice leads us to conclude one thing about Michael Bloomberg: obviously the man has no prostate.

Not take a potty break? Is he serious? How the hell did he ever get through middle age by limiting time he spent in the bathroom? The medical establishment advocates that you should not delay using the facility when nature calls. Delay can cause other ailments to be manifested later on.

Speaking of potty break, please excuse me for a moment…

Okay, I’m back! God, its hell to have a middle aged, overgrown prostate! Anyway, where were we…?

I know I could not get through the day without urinating at least 12 times a day, sometimes once an hour. Young people should take Bloomberg’s advice with a grain of salt, but not a pint of beer because you’ll just have to go more frequently. If you want to be as successful as Bloomberg, then by all means hold off going until your either absolutely have to go, or you have more free time to do all your business. 
 
Weekends are a good time to urinate. Save it up through the week and just go on Saturday and Sunday. Sure, it’s uncomfortable! Sure, it’s painful, but hey, you’ll be in a better mind set for the harsh, bitchy, dog-eat-dog world of American capitalism. If you’re well fed and you feel no discomfort in any part of your body and you have an overall feeling of satisfaction, then you might not have the fire in your belly to make and close the deal. On the other hand, you’re hungry, your bladder is on the verge of bursting through the walls of your abdomen, and you feel like you haven’t known satisfaction in years, then it’s time to take no prisoners.

Don’t do as I do if you want to be successful. I’ve been urinating since I can remember. It’s too late for me. I’m hooked!

On the other hand, Bloomberg’s advice of urinating less dovetails nicely with his previous proposal to limit the amounts of soft drinks served to New Yorkers…hmm! OMG!

Excuse me, time for another potty break…

GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE IS PLACED ON ADMINISTRATIVE LEAVE WHEN HIS WEBSITE IS REVEALED TO CONTAIN RACIST CONTENT


Earlier this week, hate group watch dog Southern Poverty Law Center revealed that African-American government employee Ayo Kimathi has a website that advocates a coming armed conflict with whites. Despite the fact that Kimathi is exercising his First Amendment rights with his writings - despicable as they are - his embarrassed managers placed him on paid administrative leave by the end of the week.

Until Friday, Kimathi was an acquisitions officer for the Department of Homeland Security. In his off hours, Kimathi writes on his website War on the Horizon things like: “Warfare is imminent, and in order for black people to survive the 21st century, we are going to have to kill a lot of whites - more than our Christian hearts can count.”

And this guy works for Homeland Security. Boy is this awkward!

Even more awkward than a group dedicated to teaching tolerance in society calling attention to Kimathi’s writings is the fact that right wing commentator (and arteejee blog sex kitten) Sarah Palin singled out the story with her pronouncement that Kimathi’s employment with the federal government as “unflippingbelivable”.

Oh Sarah! We have talked about your potty mouth before! Again we must remind you that grown-ups use other words to express their disdain for a situation. Instead of “flipping”, you could substitute the word “fudging” as in “Unfudgingbelievable”. It works just as well, no one is offended, and, best of all, using the word fudge leaves everyone with a nice sweet aftertaste in their mouths.

Speaking of potty…please excuse me again!

SENATOR TED CRUZ ANNOUNCES HE WILL RENOUNCE HIS DUAL CITIZENSHIP STATUS WITH CANADA


Tea Party darling Ted Cruz made a step closer to making a run for the White House in 2016 by renouncing his dual citizenship status. It appears that Cruz, Hispanic in origin, was born in Canada to an American mother. This gave him citizenship rights to both the United States and Canada. This announcement happened a day after he released his birth certificate which clearly showed he was born in Calgary, Alberta. 
 
Alberta, not in any way shape or form an American state.  It is a Canadian province. 

Now, there is nothing wrong in the fact that Cruz is foreign born. Fact is, we welcome all immigrants to our shores so they can contribute to the American Experience. On the other hand, his constituents have been making a lot of hay about Barack Obama’s birth certificate in an effort to delegitimize his presidency.

This poses a prickly situation for his Tea Party supporters. Technically, the Constitution does not forbid Cruz from being President due to these birth circumstances, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t give him any grief in the meantime.

Hey liberals! Did you feel left out of the birther certificate game that was played on President Obama for the last five years? Well, now it’s our turn! In the spirit of the old political axioms, “beware of the backlash” and “what goes around, comes around,” let’s get ready toooooo…(excuse me, potty break)…rummmbbbllleee!!!!!!

Okay, hoser, pull over to the side of aisle and show us your birth certificate, eh?

(Thank you for reading! Hey Sarah, here’s a factoid for you! Someone actually let a girl run the state of Alaska a few years ago. Talk about unfudgingbelievable…)

4 Comments:

Blogger David Jeffreys said...

I think your potty breaks were used for vomiting rather. All that good news creates much nausea. And it is hard to hold back projectile vomiting. I am heaving just thinking about it.

August 25, 2013 at 9:12 PM  
Anonymous Janey said...

I'll vote for Sarah if she promises to hold her bladder for her entire term. Oh, that's right, she resigned her governorship, so she wouldn't know what an entire term is!

Ted Cruz should only be allowed to urinate in the country of his birth.

Personally, I pee more often than a frightened schoolgirl with a Starbucks addiction...

August 27, 2013 at 6:05 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thank you David for your comments. I hope you feel better soon.

Hi Janey, thank you for the comments. Actually I'm getting to the point where I am interrupting my potty break to go on a potty break. I got it baaaaaaaad!

August 27, 2013 at 8:04 PM  
Blogger Harpers Keeper said...

I am torn on the freedom of speech issue for the Homeland Security guy. Objectionable as his thought are, I am uncomfortable with him being censored by his employer, especially when the employer is the government. Is there some written code of conduct or employment contract he is in breach of with his writings? I'm not sure the quote reads like an actual incitement to violence.

Good for SPLC for shining a spotlight on it but I am not as sure of what happened downstream of that.

August 31, 2013 at 1:14 PM  

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