arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

My Photo
Name:
Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Monday, September 30, 2013

Snort Bites – September 2013



NEW HYBRID RIPENS TOMATOES AND POTATOES ON THE SAME PLANT

News was received this week from Great Britain that a new plant is available which grows tomatoes on top and potatoes at the bottom of the same plant.  Both fruit and tuber ripen at the same time! What hath botany wrought?

Now the next step: get the plant to dip its roots into a deep fryer and drop the tomatoes into a processor to mix up a batch of ketchup at the same time. French fries with ketchup produced instantly from plant to plate in a matter of seconds. Imagine whole families watching this show as they munch their McSandwiches! 

Botanists of the world: you have your work cut out for you!

BASEBALL SEASON ENDS: PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES NOT IN THE POST SEASON FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2006 

The Phillies lost their final games of the season to the division title-winning Atlanta Braves (ouch), and ended up in fourth place, one season after having their all time best season in team history. WTF?

The Braves will go on to the post season, but my team will come home and do whatever the hell they do with their four month break. The post season teams will go through their motions of the division series, then the pennant series, followed by the swimsuit competition, before the preliminary trials, motions by the opposing attorneys, and finally… where was I? Oh yes, finally, the World Series may end with any luck in time for opening day in April 2014.

Unless of course Ted Cruz launches another filibuster; in which case all bets are off.

Suffice to say our Phillies did not have their best year. The players that took the city to the World Series in 2008 are old and beat up. We’re in a rebuilding phase. We’re telling ourselves the same thing we’ve told ourselves for many years: just wait until next year. I have a feeling it may take a little longer than one year.

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES VOTE TO CONTINUE FUNDING OF FEDERAL GOVERNMENT BEYOND END OF THE FISCAL YEAR WITH AMENDMENT TO DEFUND OBAMACARE

Again! Forty-three votes could not repeal Obamacare, because the Senate will not even entertain the idea of defunding the President’s signature legislation. The Party of No can’t take no for an answer! It would be real nice if they had a positive alternative to shutting down the government, but noooooooo…

Tuesday morning will dawn and we’ll be closed, world! Thank you, conservative fanatics! Thank you, Tea Party! Thank you again for bringing this nation to its knees!

Oh, I could go on and on about the whys and wherefores, but I’m effin’ bored with their shenanigans!

Besides, why be wordy, when we can commiserate on our situation by showing that great political philosopher Slim Pickens perform his impression of the Tea Party conservatives:



(Thank you for reading and enjoy the shutdown!)

7 Comments:

Blogger Bob Slatten said...

Oy.

That's all I got.

September 30, 2013 at 10:08 AM  
Blogger David Jeffreys said...

Yes, the government will shut down tonight.

And that's not all . . . these tea party traitors will do it all over again in two weeks, when we run out of money!

Thus we will have a bankrupt government with its employees furloughed with such a poor credit rating that even China won't lend us money.

I think it is time for another tea party in which we throw the tea party overboard (and make sure that each member drowns).

September 30, 2013 at 4:19 PM  
Anonymous Janey said...

There is a MLB swimsuit competition??? I'll be the judge! :-)

How about I develop a plant that grows both marijuana buds and Fig Newtons?

October 1, 2013 at 5:57 AM  
Blogger Harpers Keeper said...

We have a grafted citrus tree that grows lemons, limes and oranges on the same tree (at different times).

October 2, 2013 at 1:15 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Thanks, Bob! Sometimes one word says it all!

I feel your frustration, David, but we should remember that even these people deserve a shot at (ba-ha-ha-ha-ha) salvation! Ah, i knew I couldn't through that with a straight face!

Go for it, Janey! Your combination reminds me of another memory from the Moonglow: a quick pot of boxed macaroni and cheese to satisfy our munchie craving at 2:30 AM! Was that the same weekend I woke up to find Pigboy sleeping on my chest???

Dear Harpers Keeper, thank you for your factoid. And thank you for publishing your comment on the 123rd anniversary of Groucho Marx's birth! Hello, we must be going....

October 3, 2013 at 7:46 PM  
Anonymous Janey said...

Pigboy was probably sleeping on your chest because you had macaroni and cheese on your breath! :-)

(Fellow readers: Pigboy was the VERY LARGE cat I had through my years as a teen, college student, and beyond.)

October 4, 2013 at 8:34 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

You bitch! :-)

October 4, 2013 at 7:33 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home