Squashing Rumors

As a public service, arteejee dispels another batch of ugly rumors, which I am making up as I go along.

1.  Pundit and political office holder failure Sarah Palin will make a thorough and diligent search of all news sources (print and non-print media) every day to prep for her occasional commentary on Fox News.

2.  Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson will release an album of his favorite songs, among them, “That’s Why Darkies Were Born.”*

3.  Political commentator Sarah Palin will glance at the major news sites on the Internet to understand what her Fox News viewership believes is the issue of the day.

4.  Rick Santorum will come out; gay community retches en masse.

5.  Once or twice a week, Sarah Palin will ask her husband, Todd, “Was’ up?”

6.  Soviet Premier Putin asserts his heterosexuality again by going shirtless in Red Square; straight and gay communities laugh their asses off en masse.

7.  The Gunther household will abandon Heinz ketchup as the chief house condiment in favor of its rival Hun…no, this is so ridiculous that I can’t even finish it.

8.  Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson will accept the lead role in a local production of La Cage Aux Folles; gay community laughs their asses off en masse. 

9.  Rick Santorum will place first in a Carmen Miranda look-alike contest at a New Hope, PA bar. For the record: Phil Robertson will place second in this same competition; Sarah Palin will quit midway through before the winners are announced. (This one is also ridiculous, but I managed to complete it without vomiting!)

*This is not a racist comment. It is an actual show tune from George White’s Scandals (1930), which was viewed as a satire on racism. Artists such as Kate Smith and Paul Robeson recorded the song. So, go ahead, call Paul Robeson a racist for recording it! I dare you! See if I care!

(Thank you for reading! Oh for God’s sake, Sarah! Unfold a newspaper - any newspaper - and review the articles before you open your yap on any subject!)