arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Thursday, January 09, 2014

Squashing Rumors



As a public service, arteejee dispels another batch of ugly rumors, which I am making up as I go along.

1.  Pundit and political office holder failure Sarah Palin will make a thorough and diligent search of all news sources (print and non-print media) every day to prep for her occasional commentary on Fox News.

2.  Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson will release an album of his favorite songs, among them, “That’s Why Darkies Were Born.”*

3.  Political commentator Sarah Palin will glance at the major news sites on the Internet to understand what her Fox News viewership believes is the issue of the day.

4.  Rick Santorum will come out; gay community retches en masse.

5.  Once or twice a week, Sarah Palin will ask her husband, Todd, “Was’ up?”

6.  Soviet Premier Putin asserts his heterosexuality again by going shirtless in Red Square; straight and gay communities laugh their asses off en masse.

7.  The Gunther household will abandon Heinz ketchup as the chief house condiment in favor of its rival Hun…no, this is so ridiculous that I can’t even finish it.

8.  Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson will accept the lead role in a local production of La Cage Aux Folles; gay community laughs their asses off en masse. 

9.  Rick Santorum will place first in a Carmen Miranda look-alike contest at a New Hope, PA bar. For the record: Phil Robertson will place second in this same competition; Sarah Palin will quit midway through before the winners are announced. (This one is also ridiculous, but I managed to complete it without vomiting!)

*This is not a racist comment. It is an actual show tune from George White’s Scandals (1930), which was viewed as a satire on racism. Artists such as Kate Smith and Paul Robeson recorded the song. So, go ahead, call Paul Robeson a racist for recording it! I dare you! See if I care!

(Thank you for reading! Oh for God’s sake, Sarah! Unfold a newspaper - any newspaper - and review the articles before you open your yap on any subject!)

3 Comments:

Blogger Bob Slatten said...

I don't think I'll be holding my breath for any of these to actually happen--I mean, Mama Grizzly Bore™ reading?

But if any one of them does happen, I will laugh or retch en masse!

January 10, 2014 at 9:15 AM  
Anonymous Janey said...

I'd love to have Rick Santorum "come out!" I'll fuck him up the ass and watch the santorum (lower case; Google it) gush out!

January 10, 2014 at 9:59 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Bob, thank you for your message. Yes the idea of Mama Grizzly actually cracking open any reading material is a long shot...which is why we felt confident that stomp on that ugly rumor right away!

Oh, Janey! That's all I can say, but, "Oh, Janey!"

January 12, 2014 at 6:39 PM  

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