arteejee

A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Thursday, July 17, 2014

Head Stone Tributes



I’m thinking ahead again to the inevitable; sorry, can’t help it. I’ve been mulling over ideas for my head stone. What follows is my current list of finalists. No doubt I’ll get more ideas in the future which I will post here. After all, I don’t expect to have to use any of these for years to come.

Here are some inscriptions I’ve considered - and rejected most of these for being too wordy - for my head stone.

1.  I don’t see any ketchup here. What kind of hell am I in?

2.     Come on in! The dirt is fine!

3.     I’m spending eternity with the souls of every shrimp I’ve consumed at a Chinese buffet…and man, do they look pissed!

4.     Okay, God, you can stop laughing now!

5.    If you’re reading this and eating peel ‘n’ eat shrimp without me, then I must be dead.

6.     You’re wrong! I’m not pining for the fjords.

7.     If you’re reading this and enjoying kettle chips with California onion dip without me, then I am definitely dead.

8.     No, no, no! This can’t be heaven! Afternoon Delight is being played on an eternal loop! No, no, no!

9.     If you always look down, you’ll never see the sun shine.

(Thank you for reading. And I’m not resting after a prolonged squawk!)

10 Comments:

Blogger David Jeffreys said...

I've left instructions for the inscription on my stone "To sleep: perchance to dream" because of my career and love of sleep disorders. Of course Shakespeare was referring to "death" when he said "sleep" in Hamlet's "To be, or not to be" soliloquy.

July 17, 2014 at 10:08 PM  
Blogger Raybeard said...

You may well be aware of the epitaph which was 'voted' this country's favourite - Irish comedian Spike Milligan, "I told you I was ill."
(Well, at least if you didn't know it it might have been worth it!)

July 18, 2014 at 10:40 AM  
Anonymous "Afternoon Delight" Lover Janey said...

If you ever again write negatively about the beautiful 1970s' sex song Afternoon Delight, then your demise may sooner than you wish...

July 18, 2014 at 7:16 PM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Hi David, your inscription is lovely! I didn't appreciate Shakespeare in high school, but I've grown (matured?) to accept all the accolades given to his work over the years.

Thank you Raybeard for reminding me of Spike Milligan's epitaph. I've always considered "The Goon Show" the epitome of radio comedy; although I got more out of the later "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again."

Ah, Janey! We live in a truly diverse world where some of us believe "Afternoon Delight" is the word of God, and those of us who believe it's aural shit. :)
BTW, how's your mom? Please give our best wishes!

July 19, 2014 at 7:45 AM  
Blogger Raybeard said...

TG, I never really 'got' the goons, even though I'm old enough to rememeber them being broadcast for the first time. I laughed only because one was expected to, though I do find the surreal bits a bit funnier now, but not as side-splitting as some do.

Yes, 'I'm Sorry...Again" was, and still sounds, brilliant. I especially liked the inter-reaction with the very knowing studio audience. The programmes do get re-broadcast from time to time on one of the BBC channels - 'Radio 4 Extra' - but at this present time they, sadly, are off. Great stuff!

July 19, 2014 at 11:13 AM  
Blogger Ur-spo said...

"Finally stopped worrying"

July 19, 2014 at 7:58 PM  
Blogger Fearsome Beard said...

If you always look down, you'll never see the sunshine. I love that.
Now about planting that earworm afternoon delight in my head.......

July 21, 2014 at 9:45 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Hi Raybeard. I could enjoy the Goons when our local NPR station ran them, despite the thick accents they would use for their various characters and the staticky radio reception.

I think I have over 20 cassette tapes of ISIRTA in my archives. Someday we will have to embark on our own quest for the green eye of the little yellow dog.

Very nice sentiment, Spo! Short and sweet!

Thank you Fearsome Beard; that one is actually my favorite and I might use it if I ever actually have a head stone.
Sorry about the earworm. I advise ten straight hours of Led Zeppelin to extricate this worm.

July 22, 2014 at 8:37 AM  
Blogger Raybeard said...

"Ah, Lady Constance. How long is it now?" "Mmmm - Let me see. Thank you!"
(You probably know that the Lady Constance character was based on Dame Edith Evans who, the story goes, was played a recording of it and she didn't realise it was herself being lampooned.)

July 22, 2014 at 11:25 AM  
Blogger todd gunther said...

Hi Raybeard, and thanks for the flashback. Actually, no, I did not know that Lady Constance was based on anyone in particular. I believe that she and Warrior Queen share the same attitudes towards life in general.

July 24, 2014 at 7:01 AM  

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