The White House Lunch

So the polls were right and Republicans had big gains all over. We shouldn’t have been surprised by the results. There were many disappointments, but happily here in Pennsylvania the polls were correct on the gubernatorial race. Here we’re saying “Bye Tom (Corbett) and Hello Tom (Wolf).”

In Washington, the President’s job just got a lot harder: Republicans now control both houses of Congress. The new Congress with its new leadership won’t officially convene until January. In the meantime, the President and Congressional leaders will have a chance to get acquainted over a White House lunch.

Oh to be a fly on that wall…

Obama: Welcome everyone! We are very happy that you have graciously accepted our cordial invitation to dine with us. Please help yourself to the chilled fruit cocktail and the cold picnic shoulder sandwiches.

Ted Cruz: Thank you, Mr. President. I’m a little surprised at the offerings. I was half expecting watermelon and fried chicken!

(Audible gasp from the other attendees.)

Obama: Ha, ha! Very good, Ted. No, we wanted to serve something quick to give us more time to talk about our concerns. I know we have a lot to talk about and we have a lot of differences between us. Let me start the ball rolling by explaining that I feel we can accomplish more on issue one, compromise on issue two, and table issue three until both sides build a consensus. Yes, John?

John Boehner: Mr. President, that’s all well and good, but you’re forgetting problem A needs to be resolved, and problems B and C need to be voted on.

Cruz: Oh, the hell with all this genteel repartee! Let’s cut to the chase! Repeal Obamacare now!

(Audible hiss from some of the attendees.)

Obama: Really? How about an executive order on immigration reform?

(More hissing from the rest of the attendees.)

Mitch McConnell: We can’t back on you that, Mr. President. 

Cruz: Impeachment!

McConnell: Down, Ted, down!

Cruz: All right, I’ll calm down. Hey, Mr. President, is it true that you do a killer impression of Stepin Fetchit?

(Audible gasp.)

Obama: Ha, another good one, Ted. Let me answer you by taking my FDR Memorial veto pen and write an executive order revoking your American citizenship.

Cruz: WHAT?

Obama: In fact, I’ll add a little side note to the INS: send this cracker Canadian ass back to Ottawa.

(Turmoil roils the room. All at once, the windows blow open; a gust of wind brings forth a host of cherubs, singing and praising the entrance of…)

Cruz: Pope Francis!

Pope: Yes, hello all. Your President asked me to stop by in case things got a little rough. I can see that my presence is needed. As you may know, I recently attempted to welcome the gay community into my church. Okay, so we’re still ironing out those details, but maybe I can work my magic to bring you all together here. C’mon everyone! GROUP HUG!

All:   Arrgggggghhhhhhh!

(Thank you for reading. Tune in next time when Pope Francis will be heard to say: “Ted, are you going to eat your ice cream?”)