God and Son: Just Another Friday in Spring
And now time once again for the most blasphemous show in the
blogosphere: God and Son!
(Cheesy situation comedy theme music up with studio audience
applause.)
Jesus: What? That Pilate is a nut!
God: Good Morning, Son.
What is that you have in your hand?
Jesus: It’s my I
Phone, Father. I’m just reading the
latest Twitter feed from Pontius Pilate.
Get this: @PontiuePilate, Jesus
and his followers believe they have the secret to living an ever-lasting
life. LAME!
God: Um, where did
you get such a device in your area of the world?
Jesus: One of my
disciples gave it to me. I think it was
Judas. (Beep sound.) Now what?
Oh, you won’t believe this tweet, Father: @PontiusPilate: stories about Jesus feeding
multitudes with bread and fish. Another
Jesus hoax!
God: Wow, he’s really
letting you have it. Wait a minute, how can you even possess such a device that
gives you these messages? Doesn’t it
require some sort of, you know, technology?
Jesus: Yes, I guess so.
God: Okay, and does this technology currently exist in 32
AD?
Jesus: Well, um, no. I thought this device was another one of
your miracles.
God: Oh, right! Yes,
this is my most advanced miracle yet.
Carry on. (Another beep.)
Jesus: What now…oh,
this is unbelievable. Get this, Father.
@PontiusPilate: Jesus should just mind his own business and let the money
changers run the temple. All of this self-righteous talk about salvation. SAD. This kind of rhetoric really makes me angry. I should go and talk to Pilate about his
thinking.
God: Um, yes, you do that, son. You’ll be right on schedule…
Jesus: What? What do
you mean right on schedule?
God: Well, you
actually do have an appointment with him, right?
Jesus: I do?
God: Yes, check your calendar on your miracle device.
Jesus: Okay, I just
swipe left and, oh here it is, Friday.
Wow! I have a full schedule! Audience with Pilate, arrest, arraignment,
torture, trial and in the afternoon death by crucifixion. Wait a minute…Father, what month is this?
God: Month? I don’t know; months have been
invented yet.
Jesus: You don’t know what month it is? I thought you were an omniscient deity.
God: Oh, excuse me, prophet with a device that won’t exist
for two thousand years! (Awkward pause with some thunder in the
background.) Look, I do know that it is
spring time, when the earth renews itself.
Jesus: Oh,
right. The earth renews itself and you
get another chance to demonstrate your greatest miracle…everlasting life. (A beep.)
Now what…oh, great! @Pontius
Pilate: just ordered soldiers to arrest Jesus.
God: Well, at least
you’re getting advanced warning this year.
(Troops marching in the distance.)
Jesus: Cursed future technology!
Roman Soldier: Jesus of Nazareth? You are under arrest by order of the Emperor
of Judea, Pontius Pilate.
Jesus: Yeah, fine. Just give me a minute to tweet this. @JesusChrist: Hey Pilate! You suck!
God: Whoa, son!
Language!
(Applause and cheesy music up and out.)
(Thank you for reading.
Remember to tweet responsibly.)
posted by todd gunther | 9:22 AM
3 Comments:
This version is about as credible as the Gospels themselves - and much more entertaining.
As a result of my daily Bible readings (since about 55 years now) I'm now settling on the notion that J.C. (a real historical figure, I'm sure) was simply delusional, though perhaps unlikely to have been unaware of it himself. That seems to make more sense than other approaches. Hardly original, I know.
I smoked a lot of pot and drank a bottle of wine last night -- were you here with me partaking, RTG? And if not, why not? And if not, what WERE you doing to inspire such entertaining blasphemy? ;-)
Thank you, Raybeard. I had not thought about the credibility of the Gospels, but you do raise a good point.
Good Morning,Mary/Janey. Sorry I was not there to help you drink your wine. I think I had a bottle of beer last night. I know, boring!
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