God and Son: Just Another Friday in Spring
And now time once again for the most blasphemous show in the blogosphere: God and Son!
(Cheesy situation comedy theme music up with studio audience applause.)
Jesus: What? That Pilate is a nut!
God: Good Morning, Son. What is that you have in your hand?
Jesus: It’s my I Phone, Father. I’m just reading the latest Twitter feed from Pontius Pilate. Get this: @PontiuePilate, Jesus and his followers believe they have the secret to living an ever-lasting life. LAME!
God: Um, where did you get such a device in your area of the world?
Jesus: One of my disciples gave it to me. I think it was Judas. (Beep sound.) Now what? Oh, you won’t believe this tweet, Father: @PontiusPilate: stories about Jesus feeding multitudes with bread and fish. Another Jesus hoax!
God: Wow, he’s really letting you have it. Wait a minute, how can you even possess such a device that gives you these messages? Doesn’t it require some sort of, you know, technology?
Jesus: Yes, I guess so.
God: Okay, and does this technology currently exist in 32 AD?
Jesus: Well, um, no. I thought this device was another one of your miracles.
God: Oh, right! Yes, this is my most advanced miracle yet. Carry on. (Another beep.)
Jesus: What now…oh, this is unbelievable. Get this, Father. @PontiusPilate: Jesus should just mind his own business and let the money changers run the temple. All of this self-righteous talk about salvation. SAD. This kind of rhetoric really makes me angry. I should go and talk to Pilate about his thinking.
God: Um, yes, you do that, son. You’ll be right on schedule…
Jesus: What? What do you mean right on schedule?
God: Well, you actually do have an appointment with him, right?
Jesus: I do?
God: Yes, check your calendar on your miracle device.
Jesus: Okay, I just swipe left and, oh here it is, Friday. Wow! I have a full schedule! Audience with Pilate, arrest, arraignment, torture, trial and in the afternoon death by crucifixion. Wait a minute…Father, what month is this?
God: Month? I don’t know; months have been invented yet.
Jesus: You don’t know what month it is? I thought you were an omniscient deity.
God: Oh, excuse me, prophet with a device that won’t exist for two thousand years! (Awkward pause with some thunder in the background.) Look, I do know that it is spring time, when the earth renews itself.
Jesus: Oh, right. The earth renews itself and you get another chance to demonstrate your greatest miracle…everlasting life. (A beep.) Now what…oh, great! @Pontius Pilate: just ordered soldiers to arrest Jesus.
God: Well, at least you’re getting advanced warning this year.
(Troops marching in the distance.)
Jesus: Cursed future technology!
Roman Soldier: Jesus of Nazareth? You are under arrest by order of the Emperor of Judea, Pontius Pilate.
Jesus: Yeah, fine. Just give me a minute to tweet this. @JesusChrist: Hey Pilate! You suck!
God: Whoa, son! Language!
(Applause and cheesy music up and out.)
(Thank you for reading. Remember to tweet responsibly.)