More Than Just the Normal Monday Morning Blues

I tried starting this entry yesterday, but the blank screen in front of me did not prompt any thoughts to spring from my mind to my fingertips.  The weekend, hot, and humid when it wasn’t dreary and downright monsoon-like, seemed to confirm something I’ve always known about myself.  Namely, bad news or some sort of trauma in my life does not hit me emotionally at the moment of the event.  Rather it creeps up on me and I implode hours later.

There’s no doubt that I and my co-workers suffered a trauma last week when one of our colleagues collapsed on our floor.  The ambulance crew arrived shortly before I did and were already working on him.  They were able to revive him once and get him transported in the ambulance.  Ultimately their efforts didn’t seem to matter; we later learned that he did not survive a massive heart attack.

Now the point that hits home with me the most:  Joe* was younger than I am by 12 years.  He was a very good member of our team.  He left behind a wife and teenage daughter.

Management immediately offered counseling to everyone, and allowed us to take some time (but not necessarily the rest of the work day) to get our thoughts together.   If only we could get beyond this event with just one counseling session.

I was able to make it through the day, but fatigue from my recent surgery and a desire to seek medical attention for my poison ivy condition prompted me to call in sick the next day.   Yes, this gave me a three day weekend to sort it all out.  On the upside my poison ivy rash is drying up quickly with a prescription from my physician, but even now I am fighting off an overall malaise that I hope will not keep me from work today.

Over the last few days I have struggled to keep focused on whatever task was at hand.  I was able to sit through a television broadcast of The Lone Ranger (the Johnny Depp version), but I couldn’t be bothered with so much else on television this last weekend.  This is not unusual for me, but even channel surfing through all of the cable reality shows, the home shopping shows and true crime documentaries became more tedious than usual.

I wondered if I am having a case of survivor’s guilt.  After all I am the one who has something like 15 pre-existing conditions, most of them heart-related.  My department has lost two others in recent months; I fully expected that if anyone else were to die this year then it would be me. 

Now it is time to put aside my ruminations, get ready for work and soldier on.

More to come…

*Name changed to maintain the privacy of the survivors.

(Thank you for reading…this far!)