Sunday Morning Post (V.1, #24) – Ramming the Ramparts

In his Fourth of July hooray for me address, the President took some liberties with the American story.   More specifically, he embellished and changed around certain portions of our country’s history.  Naturally, the Internet and the media having been having too wonderful of a time with the President’s faux pas.

So what the hell!  Let’s jump on this band wagon lickety-split!  Here is how we believe the President would rewrite one episode of the American Revolution.

“Let me tell you, the winter of 1777 was incredible!   Washington and his Continental Army left Philadelphia and camped at Valley Forge that winter.

One day Washington gathered his staff at his wonderful headquarters and gave them a pep talk...

Washington:  Therefore, my plan is to take the airport at Newark, which will give us a commanding view of the city, truly a very beautiful view of the city, and we can retake it from the British.  Questions?

Lt. Col. Alexander Hamilton:  Yes sir, what’s an airport?

Washington: Seriously, Hamilton?   You ask irrelevant questions like that and people will begin to wonder how you got your portrait on the ten-dollar bill!

Hamilton:  Hey, I got connections, okay?

Washington:  Yeah, you got connections.   You know Ben Franklin’s got us both beat.   His kisser is on the 100-dollar bill, and he’s only a printer!  Go figure!

Lafayette (you know, some French guy):  Excuse me, Monsieur Washington?  Can we get back to your plan?

Washington:  Yes, of course.  Any way, we’ll march into Manhattan, take the city block by block, ram the ramparts...

Hamilton:  Begging the general’s pardon, sir, but wouldn’t it better if we rammed the doors of their headquarters like we did in Trenton?

Washington:  What?

Hamilton:  Think about it, sir.  Ramparts are high walls.  We can scale them, we can climb them, but it would take us forever to ram into them to breech the wall…

Washington:  For God’s sake, Hamilton!   Start thinking outside the box!  You’ll never get your life immortalized in a Broadway musical with that kind of thinking!

Hamilton: What’s a Broadway musical, sir?

Washington:  Oh, hang it all, man.  Lieutenant Burr!  Take Hamilton outside and give him a stern talking!  See if you can knock some sense into him!

Lafayette: Monsieur General, please?   What will we do after we defeat the British?

Washington: Hell, if I know!  The teleprompter stopped working!

Then Elizabeth Warren came in with trinkets from the nearby reservation, I don’t know…or something like that.  And that, my fellow Americans, is how we won the American Revolution with lots of red glare, walls that kept out the immigrants, and a beautiful health plan for everyone!"

Do not despair readers!  The President proved this week that he knows crap about history.   He won’t be rewriting anyone’s story any time soon. 

(Thank you for reading!   I wish I were making this up, but...)