A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Save the Honey Bee

Last week, I was made aware of another threat to our ecosystem, specifically the honey bee. An internet video report stated that there is a possible link between the decline in honey bee populations and cell phones. While I am still trying to confirm what exactly this link is, I thought I should still share what I know with my loyal readers.

It is my theory (cue Ann Elk) that there are several reasons why cell phones are responsible for a decline in the bee population. First, there is the very real possibility that our cell phone messages, when transmitted through the air, jam the bee's tiny antennae. This could prove disastrous for communications between a bee in the field and the hive.

For example, a bee could communicate to the hive, “Hey, good pollen supply up the hill to the left of the oak tree.” However, if someone is operating their cell phone within proximity of the hive, then the received message could read, “Jill, meet us in the bar at Champps after work.” The bees then converge on the wrong area and an embarrassing situation arises for all concerned. The misunderstanding can be compounded if the bees leave their identification at home and are refused service at the bar.

Second, there is the problem with cell phone towers. An unsuspecting bee could fly close to one of these towers and mistake it for the biggest mother of all flowers that God ever created! The bee believes that the hive will be real impressed with all the pollen that can be collected from this “flower”. Unfortunately, the bee is usually shocked to learn that the tower is not a flower at all. This becomes apparent when the bee backs into the satellite cup and gets its fuzzy little butt burned for its effort.

Third, there is the problem of handling the cell phone itself. While the bee has mastered the art of flying despite having a wing span ratio smaller than its body mass, it still has not overcome the problem of holding on to the cell phone while buzzing around. This is a problem throughout the animal kingdom. Higher life forms (such as our own human species) are not nimble enough to talk on a cell phone and keep a car going at a high rate of speed without leaving the highway. I even heard a rumor that recently, in the Serengeti Plain, a pride of lions nearly starved because the lioness was unable to catch a gazelle and hold a cell phone at the same time. Once again, the cell phone causes disaster in the wild!

The bee has a unique problem in that it can barely get its tiny limbs around the cell phone while it lands on a flower. Many times the flower stem breaks, and the bee is crushed by the cell phone when both fall to the ground. I can just imagine that cell phone related deaths among bees are up 100% due to this scenario.

We as humans possess the knowledge needed to save our friend, the honey bee. We must take immediate steps to save them from premature extinction. We must also, judging from the theories I have presented here, keep science out of the hands of rank amateurs like myself.

NEXT WEEK IN THIS SPACE: Mud Wasps and the Perils of Text Messaging!


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