A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Toilet Tissue Casserole

Our mid-April nor’easter has reminded me of the many storms that my wife and I have endured down through the years. Once such a storm is forecast, a panic overcomes the general population. At the same time, a herd mentality takes over and everyone rushes to the grocery store to stock up on food for the coming days when they assume they will be stranded at home.

The situation was particularly acute in the Washington, DC area. Anne Marie and I had several chances to witness this phenomenon first hand during the years that we lived in Northern Virginia. The most interesting thing about this shopping rush was that the herd always depleted the same items: milk, bread, and toilet tissue.

Separately these items are staples that have a variety of uses. Okay, maybe toilet tissue isn’t as versatile as milk and bread, but in my mind I could only imagine how the soon-to-be-stranded-by-a-winter-storm-shoppers would use all three together as sustenance to get them through the ordeal. If you don’t know by now, I will confess it here: my imagination is slightly twisted.

Now I will admit I have tried several different exotic foods that are not always found at your local Genuardi’s. I’ve had frog legs as an appetizer; here the old cliché “tastes like chicken” applies. Jellyfish, as a cold appetizer in a Chinese restaurant, reminded me of crunching on chopped cabbage. I tried to make this as appetizing as possible, but no matter which sauce I tried (duck, sweet and sour, and hot mustard) I couldn’t enjoy it. Breaded alligator bites, as served in Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville restaurant, tasted like spongy chicken. On the other hand, the taste of caviar made me believe I was diving headfirst into a sand dune with my mouth wide open. My taste buds run closer to the proletariat than to the bourgeois.

Still, I have never tried what I believe is a delicacy for many people waiting out a winter storm. I will call it toilet tissue casserole. My recipe and serving suggestions are listed below.


One roll toilet tissue
One gallon of milk
One loaf of bread

Combine all ingredients in a bowl until the mixture is smooth.
Pour contents into casserole dish. Bake at 325 degrees for 30 minutes.
Season to taste.


Throw it out immediately, unless you’re really, really hungry. In that case, bon appetite!


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