A site of satirical musings, commentary and/or rhetorical criticism of the world at large.

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Location: Southeastern, Pennsylvania, United States

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Happy Hour for Frogs

A popular bottled drink, which I won’t name, has a gimmick of fun facts printed on the inside of their bottle caps. I won’t name the product because 1) they are not paying for advertising space on this blog; and 2) my keyboard does not have one of those encircled “C” keys which I would need to print as a superscript immediately after the product name. However, in the spirit of compromise I will call it “S*******”.

Anyway, these fun facts are very interesting. They comprise information on science, history, sports, pop culture, and just about every other subject under the sun. I haven’t made time yet to actually verify any of these facts, so I will assume like everyone else that they are not made up. Still, I half expect to open a bottle of S****** some day and find these words, “All the other bottle cap facts are full of crap.”

One fact, which totally threw me for a loop, was this, “Frogs don’t drink.” I was astonished to find this out. I always assumed that they, like all other living organisms on the earth, took in some sort of liquid to help their slimy bodies function. In fact their habitat is almost entirely made up of the one substance that sustains all other life forms on the planet: water.

They are surrounded by water and yet they don’t drink it! They must take it in somehow, either osmosis, or perhaps using a straw when they know no one else is looking, or some method to keep them going. I can’t believe that they have never tasted the clear, crisp goodness that is found in water. Aren’t they the least bit curious in what it tastes like? In case any frogs are reading this and this question has occurred to you, I can tell you this about water: it doesn’t taste like chicken.

Now that we cleared that up, we must come to the horrible realization that, once again, Madison Avenue has lied to us. Remember the whole series of Super Bowl commercials advertising another beverage, which I’ll refer to as B********. These commercials had us believing that the frogs craved this drink so much that they would croak out the product name. All along scientists told us that these calls were for mating purposes, but these commercials disputed that and told us that all the frogs wanted was a beer.

We have all lived in our little naïve worlds since those commercials aired. Ever since that time, we believed that frogs would retire to their favorite watering hole at the end of a long hard day on the pond. Once there, they would knock back a few brews and munch on such happy hour specials as deep-fried mosquito wings (salsa on the side). Now that I know that they don’t drink, I don’t know what to believe in anymore.


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